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azumiii Dec 2018
And all of a sudden
the sky is blue
No- I'm not sad
It's not lonely
Rather calm
The curtain dances as the wind blows
Calmly, peacefully
Birds are chirping
I am alive
I look past outside the window
Trees are steady
Leaves are following the lead of the wind
I wish I had someone to lead me like the wind
I'll go wherever it takes me
Even though I know in the end I would fall on the ground
Life after depression
azumiii Jan 2016
I was drunk and you were sober
My hands relaxed on the top of your body
Your hands caressing my back
And our legs locked to each other
We stayed like that for almost an hour when I decided to pull off
I was scared
NOT because something more might happen
I swear, I was ready to give it all to you
I was ready to be kissed on my neck
On my cheek
On my back
On my lips
I was ready to be *****
I was ready to be touched wherever
Especially in between of my thighs
I was ready to kiss you
To undress you
To touch you
And scream as you get inside the lips of my genitalia
And moan as you kiss and lick my femininity
No- I wasn't just ready
I wanted it
I wanted you
I wanted it so bad
I wanted you so bad
In fact, I was craving for it
I was craving for you
I wanted it
But it didn't happen
Nothing happened
Except you reaching out your hand to pull me back to you
Slipping your hand on my waist
And then gently rub my stomach
Nothing happened
Except you hugging me from behind
Your legs wrapped on mine
Your cheek on my cheek
As we calmly breathe in and breath out
And next thing I know
We were faced onto each other
My hands on your waist
Your hands on my cheek
As you kiss my forehead once, twice, thrice, until I lost count of it
I wanted more
I wanted you to kiss my lips
And wanted more to happen
But it never happened
And in that moment I told myself
"He's the One".
And I was scared to love you with all my heart.
To him.
azumiii Sep 2015
Me: I just miss my innocence back then. Haha

Him: I find life a lot more exciting without all of that innocence honestly.

Me: Yeah, I agree. But you know, somehow innocence may feel like you're invulnerable, well, at least for me. Or maybe that innocence made me become vulnerable in this world. Ugh. The paradox.
A conversation I had with a friend.
azumiii Jul 2015
Recovery is when you feel like you’re going sane and insane at the same time.
It’s like you are getting better and getting worse at the same time.

Recovery is seeing flashbacks that seem to be too bright that you don’t know if you’re getting a clearer view or if you’re being dazzled by it.

Recovery is terrible and pleasant at the same time.
Because it’s reliving every moment you experienced- one at a time or two, three, four at the same time.

You’re going to feel how you felt that day you met them, that day when they said they love you, and you’re going to remember that day when they left you with broken promises, beautiful lies and coated words. And yes, you’re going to remember that day you tucked yourself inside your closet and cried; that day when you stayed up all night with nothing in your head and that day when you were seven seconds to ending your life. You’re going to relive those moments, but at least not as much as how you exactly felt back then.

Recovery is being bipolar, one day you’re fine the next day you still are and the next day you’re not, and the next day you’re depressed. It happens over and over again like a cycle, like a routine- but among all routines, this one’s the hardest that you’re going to be used to.

Recovery means accepting yourself –the people you’ve been- and trying to change then.

Recovery means knowing who you were, knowing who you are, knowing who you want to be and where you want to be; It is knowing yourself, finding yourself and creating yourself at the same time.

Recovery means experiencing that trauma over and over again until it becomes real to you, until you accept that it happened to you.

Recovery is remembering what happened not by thinking that it was the old you who experienced them- Darling, it is you who experienced them.

Recovery is acknowledging the old you as you, the current you as you, your thoughts as you and your emotions as you.

Recovery is wanting to give up a hundred times everyday but you fight anyway.

Recovery maybe scary but it is also very beautiful.

Because it is in recovery where you create a beautiful art- you.
Recovery insights from a BPD diagnosed person.
azumiii Jul 2015
She wanted not a lover but a companion
azumiii Jul 2015
“Who am I?”
I always ask myself.
And whenever I do
Countless of flashbacks races before my eyes
Telling me that I am this and I am that
Making me feel uncomfortable on my own skin
Confusing me

“Who are you?”
I ask again
But I don’t really know

"Who are you?"
For the third time I ask myself
And I remember how I used to be
Acting differently between people I meet

And for the last time
“Who are you?” I ask
Still, flashbacks
The memories of me being innocent
Memories of me being a monster
And I ask myself again

"Who am I?"
[June 22, 2015] Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. People suffering from this disorder have a persistent unstable self- image and sense of self.
azumiii Jul 2015
Last night she visited me again with tears on her face.
She leaned her head beside the wall and cried
She covered her mouth so that not a single thing will be heard
But I can hear her gasp, I could hear her sob
I was just watching her because I didn’t know what to do and say
You can see in the way she cried how broken she is -how restless she is
You can see with the way how she leaned her head beside the wall how tired she is
Not that she’s tired that she needs sleep
She’s tired -as in tired for her life- tired for everything
And finally as her tears were falling down,
She told me “I’m tired’
As soon as she told me that,
I cried and put my head on my knees
Because I heard it coming out from my mouth...
May 25, 2015.
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