I'm here and sinking
Into the constant unknown
Like life, I guess
I chose this
And I keep choosing this
This uncomfortable beginning
Everytime I start to get comfortable
Being to close to anyone clouds me now
But I miss my loved ones
Yet I have made new loves
Each new energy I come in contact with
Is a challenge to who I am
Really
When I am alone
Away from anything familiar
And then I move on
With a piece of me lingering
And a piece of them
Analyzing
What triggered me
Even so slightly
Because that is what I see in me
What I want, have worked for or was
I've done this before
I was at a different stage in my journey
I am more confident now
It's not always personal
I am still so in my head
But I am kinder to myself
And to those around me
I am supporting my inner self
I am noticing how I exist
And realizing it is not always like others
I am facing myself
Because I think its important
Under the roughness
Filtered through the pain
I find love
Now it sounds cliche
And its not always exciting and bright
It is constant and pleasant
I am still deeply sad
But I find reasons to smile
Reasons to be better
In the end we are all alone
Regardless of how much we clutter around us
So to love me
Means to really deeply understand I am my own constant
And to love what I allow to clutter me
That is where I find my gold
In people
And I too am a person

I have talked and listened
Tried to imagine
The horror
Of someone taking
What isn't theirs
For their own
Selfish pleasure

I never thought
Me too

But seeing his face  
It all flooded back
Within seconds
What my mind hid from me
For nearly half a decade

Me too

I have a short patience
for people who annoy me
by being too noisy
or being too boring

I try to listen
I try to be polite
but the more I nod and smile
the more I feen to bite

As I look at them
dead in the eye
acting like I care
inside I want to die

And I usually don't realize
right off the bat
as I ****** my fingers in
I forget where I'm at

All my focus is absorbed
by my nibbling need  
to every last nail  
I only stop to bleed

As I go at it
I only glance up for breath
But I never stop biting
For my nails are my ****

Only once they
leave me alone
I look around and
see what I've done

I raise my hand
to wave goodbye
but it gets caught
just below my eyes

and I open my mouth
to say something nice
words don't come out
I just bite on my vice

I will cherish my past
You were a part of it
A segment in my journey
And for that while
You made me crazy
You made me happy
So I won't ruin who you were to me
But who you are now
Is a disgrace to who you were
And I don't like you now
But I will push through this
With dignity and courage
To respect MY memories
Because I am important to ME
You helped me learn this
Whoever you become is up to you
I won't change because of you

I promise to tell the truth,  the whole truth and nothing but the truth
So help me God.

Connection your honor.
In this case it can be described as being one with myself.

The ability to then be connected with others.
Let the record show,  it takes hard work,  inner growth and release of ego.
The evidence will show lack of negative energies expressed,
And influx of positive vibes.

Objection; this isn't a sustainable lifestyle.
Overruled.

The defendant has admitted to past involvement in self sabotage.
With a history of willingness to introspection, meaningful dialogue, and sincere change.

Without threat or coercion I choose to let go of the toxic and insignificant,
And plead to expand knowledge and deep understanding of self and others.

To be the bright,  humble and shining Star I was born to be.  

The defense rests.

It's called disclosure
Two negatives
I am opening
I am no longer closing myself
To me
Disclosure
Fighting and falling
Tredding only realize
I am merely moving my limbs
Fiercely under water
As I sink farther down
Deeper into the unknown
My last breath a memory
Attempting to keep each one
As they weigh my down
Yet I am stubborn
I am still
Closed
Crying inside
All the time
So much to hold onto
So much I choose to hide
Tears spilleing out my eyes
Escaping my inner pain
Becoming one with the water surrounding me
Drowning me
I am one negative deep
All I have to do is pick up the phone
Show up
And make it two
Open
I know what's what I need to do

I don't want another heartbreak
I don't want to feel that pain
I can't live with all that suffering
Another man could bring
I have opened my mind
Before we ever kissed
And suffered for myself
Transformed my being
How do I know
You won't do to me
What I can do to myself everyday
But choose the hard way
The work on myself to be patient way
The internalize situations before confronting way
The stop in my tracks to breathe way
The constant fight to be better
The vicious cycle of escaping relapse
Is that not enough
Is the pain you could inflict on me just
You tell me now you love me
You tell me now you wont leave
You seem so sincere
And I want to believe you
But sincerity is a sin

You were my everything
When I go back to that place
In my mind
Who I was
Who you were
How our souls danced
I wanted you more than anything
The space we gave each other
To be unique
The way you looked into my eyes
The way you brushed my skin with yours
The crazy directions our conversations turned
The openness of being who we are
Together
No judgement
Accepting each others journey
Wanting the best for you
Trusting you will continue to be smart and honest
Kind and loyal
You were my best friend
And I fell in love with you
I'm realizing that I don't know who you are becoming
I only know where I'm at
I want to talk to you
To keep you as that person
for me
But im here
Your there
Distant
And we're both evolving
And I will always have a special place in my heart
For who you were to me
Maybe one day
When were slightly older
We will meet yet again
Maybe I'll be right for you
And you'll be right for me
Again
But who knows what the future holds
Just promise me to remember who we were for each other

Falling in love
with me
Who I was
Who I want to be
Who I am struggling
to meet

They come and go

so they say

the true ones are

the ones who stay

But I disagree

for we all are evolving

And true today

may not be tomorrows calling

Logically I know
I can write it all down
Bullet points
Why I'm better off without him

I have two conflicting forces
Living within me
The honest love and unconditional feeling
Like he is the warmest hug to my heart

And then there is the agonizing internal pain
Of being betrayed, mistreated
Sworn at,  yelled at and lied to
Like he is stabbing me through my heart

How can one person
Give their heart,  mind, and body
Yet contradict everything
And how can I accept this

Why can I not let go!?

I don't want to hold on
I don't want to want him
I don't want to allow his existence
To influence me

I need to be stronger
I need to remove my rose color glasses
And finally, allow me to see
Who he is trying to show me that he really is

If he can't respect himself
How the hell can I believe he can respect me
When time after time
He shows me that he doesn't


******* logic

White puffy clouds
Soft and bright blue in the background
Greens rushing by
Rain sprinkles
Never fully dry
Not today
Turn after turn
Up up up
To the top
Turn after turn
Back to the bottom
Farther and farther
Whisking by
Town after town
People living their lives
As I rush on by
Going to go somewhere
To learn about me
But this world still is happening
People and their routines
Day in and out
Same clouds
Same temperature
Same constant dampness
But I go
Leaving lovers behind
Wanting to give them one last piece of me
But I go
The greens all blur
Trees become brush
Mountains in the distance
Start to fade behind
I keep going
Moving forward
Upward and onward

hello new
first breath of air
your mama and papa
your loved ones there
a mini human so soft and smooth
just yesterday in my sister's womb
and today you're in this world
you can even cry
just about seven pounds
you came exactly on time
welcome to the human existance
you've come into a crazy world
I'll tell you stories of how it was
I'll be the one considered old
you will forever know me
as favorite aunt
I'll spoil you and teach you
how others cant
you will be the you'est you
full of confidence and personal views
so happy birthday
happy new

She was taking a break
Breathing
Processing
Laughing
Trying to be present
She was sad
She wanted to be balanced
She stretched and smiled first thing every day
She took a deep breath
When things didn't go her way
Because she was in charge
Of her body and mind
Her soul is hers
And didn't have to be defined
She was growing up
And gave herself something
She should have been given when was young
Support to be her fiercest her
And validation she was worthy
Worthy of that degree
Worthy of her body
Worthy of her mind  
Worthy of the people she accepted into her life
Worthy of those who loved her
And of who she loved
She learned to be proud
She fought her demons to be here
She was grateful for those who lent a hand
She learned to listen
She learned to give
And not expect it back
To file the clutter of her mind
She learned to love

        herself

I just met you
Yet I feel like I know you
Not a type from a box
But someone who got out
Explored the world for yourself
I see myself in you
But I see so much more
You have a depth
But you are still so very much here
Your happiness isn't a given
You have worked to be who you are
I don't  think I would have been ready to meet you
I forgot I had a crush on you
When you leaned in for a kiss
I was distracted by your mind
And our hours of stimulating words
Our visits from others throughout the night
I noticed your sense of hospitality
I feel like I can articulate myself with you
We both have passts
That led us to the people we are

And to each other

Maybe we are too alike

I've felt passion
And I've felt pain
I've felt the warmth
On a rainy day

I've said goodbye
So many times
Each one with a kiss
And- a heart that I miss
But- when I'm here
and when I'm stable
My heart doesn't let me
Be loving or able

I've felt pain
In the brightest of places
Full of life
and smiling faces
I felt numb
With no desire
A constant stillness
A flameless fire

I felt passion
In the darkest times
I let my mind go
I forgot how to rhyme

I imagined black holes
A strong magnetic pull
A downward heavy spiral
Where my energy flowed

I've questioned myself
I've suffered in my skin
I've searched and wondered
Then began to begin

I let the sun kiss me
On my bare skin
Yet I felt freezing cold
Shivers from a deep strong wind within

I've broken the chains
Of my education
And I've bent the rules
For my own revelation

I miss you more than ever
My best friend
The one who long before you kissed me
Knew me
You cared for me
And loved me
You were my family
When I was all alone
And my home
When I needed a roof
You were my friend
When I did not ask
And my favorite person
Without any effort
Whose opinion was important to me
Whose words rarely bore me
Who motivated and cheered for me
Who promised you would love me
And promised never to leave me
Promised never to hurt me
And whom I didn't want to trust
Like that
But you knew me
I knew you
Loving you came easy
You were my person
You kissed me like you meant it
And oh, you meant it
That first kiss
Thinking about it gives me chills
Years of friendship
Of loyalty and respect
Comfort and confusion
Surprise and wonder
Releasing between our lips
You became more my person
Than I knew one to be
I miss our late night talks
About everything and nothing
Your hugs and your touch
And your smile
Your warmth in the winter
And in summer knowing you were close
I miss waking up to your kisses
And your arm finding its way to me in your sleep
Your sweet texts when I least expected
And using less sugar in sweet tea
You knew me
My pillar
My soulmate
My ever after
But can that ever last
That wonderful, beautiful
Love founded on friendship
From day one until it lasted
Until it stopped lasting
Six years of friendship
Two years as lovers
And then a version of you
Just like that
Emerged
Overnight
I was no longer your love
Your passion,  priority or joy
You pushed me and raised your voice
No longer a place for me
Not in your soul
Now your soulless body
Masked with cigarettes and beer
Fake friends and mean words
How do I know someone so well
Love so deep
Turn into my worst nightmare
Yet
I miss you more than ever
The man you used to be
The man you were to me

Hiding behind masks
Of make up and designer bags
Laughing on cue
Subtle touch of the arm
Roll of the eyes when you know their watching
Fitting into who you think you want to be
Hiding behind gossip and others troubles
And your shocked when they don't care
Your loud voice and soft hair
stealing  just a little form everyone
As you hide behind your little screen
Making faces
Hiding behind your virtual reality
100 likes doesn't make you more loved
I notice you
That depth you fill with evaporating sand
Consumed by your appearance
And here I sit
judging you
Part of my reflection

Practical clothing
Practical thinking
Logical habits
Stress on the ball
***** are rolling
Lights turning in
Flickering to constant
Shadows grow
Shadows shrink
They never disappear

The familiar
through time and space
can become so strange

The love
still there
but the energy received
is so
strange

You are still you
but you make me feel
strange

You speak
but don't do
like so many
but coming from you
is strange

It is strange
you won't meet me
or is that just the same

When and why
have you become
strange

Standing still in the air
That split second
Scarring my memory
Softly returning
To the waves
Brushing up
Kissing land
The diamond sand
Dissolving lovers footprints
Cleaning anything that came too close

I was cold

and you were there

untouched

alone

no one claimed you

you caught my eye

you fit nicely

slightly big

how I like it

warming me up

people staring

jealous your around me

I know they want you

you know they want you

they know they want you

now you lay quietly

on the blue couch in my room

so still

yet ready for my touch

I dont know where you came from

or who you were with before

but you make me happy

when your on me

on chilly summer nights

or winder days

keep doing what you do

oh grey jacket

She knocked on my door
I invited her in
She made me belive I could really have it all
She came into my life
Or she was there all along
It's been too long
One of those
Basically a part of me
She sits there
So strong and mighty
Telling me it's for the best
She mimics my intuition
I know in my truth  
She is my poison
Holding me back
I could stay here forever
With her holding my chains
In this state of being
But I know about the rabbit hole
Deep down I crave to explore
But she seduces me with emotion
She disguises herself as logic
Everyday is a new struggle
She cast a shadow over me
I thought I knew who I was
But I've just been her puppet
Her entertainment
The more I fight her off
The louder I hear her laughing
Echoes in her empty shell
She knows I know
She keeps trying to unstretch my mind
Into my reality
I told her it's time to go home
I'm sure she'll come back to visit
I'll know how to treat her this time
Hopefully I can just smile and wave
And tell her to F* off
I know I wasn't her first
And sadly not her last
Oh
Her name
By the way  
I just call her
My Ego

Rip me open
Dig inside
Please tell me what you find
Because I've searched and I've scavenged
I've tried to reveal
Nothin to satisfy
No greater appeal
But go ahead
And sift through me
I've been told there's a treasure
Covered in my dirt
Between my sweat and my tears
My ripped up brown shirt
Maybe it's an idea
To keep me alive
To have something to live for
A reason to strive
But please go ahead
I say as I turn
Show me what I missed
I move towards the door
And before I can take
Even one little stride  
You grab my arm
And stand by my side
You hold me with your gaze
You and your twisted smile
With a soft expression
A generous while
You spin me around
With a soft gentle "whoosh"
And you tell me you've found
The most beautiful truth

There is no such thing as
moonlight.

Know your truth.

Unexpected
Before I even knew your name
I knew I loved your smile
How you concentrated on my eyes
when I spoke
Or just gazing to gaze
Giving energy through eye contact
You made sure I was warm
You didn't need to say anything
Because I knew
And you knew that knew
Because we spoke about it
Genuine kind honest communication
So natural
A life force
The calm of your ocean eyes
Souls are stars
Stars are flames
People with names
You listened with your whole self
Including your heart
You lit up when you spoke
And this gentle reality
Of us wandering
Alone, yet together
Became more and more real
We got it
And we opened it
And we let it breathe
We traveled
And gave our souls vacation
You are beautiful
You don't just
See beaty
That is what you are made of
And you gave me some to spread along
I am forever grateful
Humbled
Awed inspired
By who you chose to be every **** day
You truly are a soul flame
Here to light the world in goodness
Creation
Thank you
From every cell of mine
How I will dream about gazing into each others eyes
You have been my every kind of friend

Diving into your reflection
An unknown depth
The last moment above the surface
A chill overcomes my being
My freshly shaven legs
Now spike from premature stubble
Goosebumps run up arms
I shiver
Tingling behind my neck
Tickling my spine
I squeeze my shoulders forward
My muscles tense
My mind is playing ping pong
Between fear and overwhelming confusion
For a brief moment excitement rides over
and plays against uncertainly
How I know I shouldn't think
Cause once I start
I cannot stop
And on and on I go
Just jump
Surrender
I close my eyes
My heart beats faster
My body tightens
I picture the worst scenario
It's dark and uncontrollable
I know it's just a thought
I also know it's real
I remind myself to breathe
So I breathe
Like the day I was born
And everyday since
Out and in
And in and out
I practice my rhythm
Beat on
Beat off
I feel my whole body thump  
Moving with my breathe
Becoming my focus
I breathe in once more
On my release
I let myself fall
I fly
Shattering my expectations
Breaking every barrier I built
Fracturing my thick walls
My mental cement fortification Exploding
Weightless nothing
Disappearing
And I fall
I twirl on your reflection
Dance in your eyes
our universes colliding
When will I wake up
When will I resurface

Love isn't scary
She doesn't break up lives
She doesn't cause jealousy
She isn't secretly evil
Fear is scary
And the source of all evil
Insecurities cause jealousy
And can break up lives
Love is pure and beautiful
So the next time you try to blame it on love
Remember love is here to love
Don't confuse her with her insecure cousin who lives in fear
Give love the justice she deserves

How can I love you
and let you treat my like that
and then make me feel guilty for feeling wronged
you never bought me flowers
until I left you

You use your voice
In every sense of the meaning
I don't agree with what comes out all the time
But that's okay
Because you have such an incredible perspective
Fresh air
When you sing
I almost melt
You always know the words
Of the songs on the radio
No matter the station
And every word reminds you of a song
I know because I always hear you singing
Running to a flight
Setting up an event
Loading  up the car
Ordering American food
And you just say what you mean
You don't care what anyone thinks
You know what you want
And you want me
I know not just because you tell me
You show me
You don't just rub my back
And hold my hand
I don't just catch you staring
And smiling
With hundreds of faces on you
Your eyes find your way to me
Again and again
I secretly love it
It's not just what I hear you saying about me
It's not only the way you look at me
It's how you ask
How you care
How you show me you care
You can see I can take care of myself
But you want to give me a hand
And you see when I'm anxious
You just say what you know
And its from the heart
From your soul
I've known you just over a week
Your smile and the way you walk
The way you talk and the things you come up with
Makes me want to get to know you
You  pick my brain
And make me crazy
I know we can never be together
Our families would never allow this
And it ***** because I like you
I like how your hair curls over your forehead
And how you speak your mind
I like your smile
The contrast of your white teeth on your deep tanned skin
Your skin that represents where you come from
Who you are
And how you say 'willage'  
You say you are weird
I tell you I love weird
And your smile
It's contagious
And uncontrollable
I like it when you sing
When you talk
Or just purse your lips at me
When I wake up and hear you
When I know that music
Is you playing piano
And singing songs of all varieties
Especially when your singing to me
I like talking with you
And staying up until dawn
Losing sleep every night
Just to be with you
And joking about what's in front of us
You keep life alive
We are in an alternative universe
An alternate reality
Where we have a common goal
And shared purpose
I guess kind of like real life
With school and work
Friends and dreams
And you talk
and speak about your life
Leaving everyone curious
About you and your world
I wish to be part of your world
And your story
And for a moment I am
And for a moment I believe we can be
For this moment I will cherish
This moment we are each other's
This moment has changed me
Your voice has moved me