A pump. A thump. A beat.  
My blood, pumping in my ears.
A blur. A shake. A vibration.
My eyes, trying to focus.
A breath. A woosh. A whistle.
My lungs grasping for air.
Pounding. Tapping. Throbbing.
In the center of my head.
Ah-one. Ah-two. Ah-three.
Focus on these numbers.
Numbness. Itching. Crawling.
The feeling of my skin.
I take a step, Calm my mind.
One more breath, One more time.
what happens when you are so in love with a thought you could never dream.
       not like being on a timeout, or friend zoned.
  like wishful thinking of a perfect scene, or being.
Can most of us say that we ever truly fell in love at first sight, i can.                  
      i can tell you how the sun shines for the birds and blooms. i can tell you how the  diamonds are hand painted into the night sky and even have their own stories.
   i can tell you all the angles of the prisms, in the colors of a rainbow.
i can describe in perfect detail sculpted cheekbones and a smile so warm everything
    melts inside. 
 i can say how my heart aches to even be known. in the world, in the universe,
   in the front of someone's mind. not just known but really, and truly known by something, anything, anyone.
      i can tell you that my soul aches for more...
   i can tell you how my life essence is tied to more.....
after everything so far.
          i can also tell you that i doubt if anybody even knows my name.
its a mess, im used to it...... (:
I asked you not to touch me, I walked away from you.
I asked you not to kiss me, that is not something I wanted to do.
I told you I had a boyfriend, more than I should have had to.

I told you to stop, when you took off your pants.
I wanted to have fun, not to give you a chance.
I know I drank too much, and that was my fault;
But you should have listened, when I told you to stop.

I was there for my friend, you took me away from her.
Why can't you understand, you didn't even care.
You shoved me to my knees, a taste I will always remember;
I begged, I cried, I broke, on that night in December.

You pushed me on my back, I couldn't even stand.
You forced yourself inside, what a worthless little man.
Then you told your buddies, I bet it was a good story.
You probably were proud, and soaked in lots of glory.

Then I was so broken, as I heard the whispers around.
They didn't know the truth, how you shoved me to the ground.
They didn't know how scared I was, how you forced yourself upon me.
It isn't right, It isn't fair, I am forever haunted by the memory.
No Means NO
  Jul 23 autumn-rachelle
I'm running out of breathe
My limbs are feeling weak
My heart begins to throb
An aching in my feet

My head it starts to spin
My eyes are slow to blink
A pounding in my temples
It's getting hard to think

My legs are cramping up
My arms are feeling sore
Tears are running hot
I'm falling on the floor

Pretending perfection
It's draining me quickly
Hard to recognize myself
I'm looking rather sickly

The energy it takes
to keep this smile in place
To hide my depression
I'll die at this pace
I want to leave, to run away. I want the sun on a brand new day.
See this life I live, its not me at all, almost like its not Autumn  but instead its Fall. Falling down to the dark abyss, not like Alice more like constant darkness. I love him, with all of my heart, but I'm not in love, I cannot be, because how can I love him that way but not me? I have this problem, with finding myself. Who am I, but another story on a shelf?
I search for me, relentlessly but to no avail, its a dead end trail. I dont know where to start, or where to go, but deep down inside I just know.
Its not fair to him or me, this life we've built is misery, and I tell him this and he rolls his eyes, but I'm certain he knows this too deep down inside.
Even still its not fair to us, for us to stay, I'd be better off far away, but how can I leave him if he thinks he's happy, how do I go while still leaving him me?
We never had enough when we were young.
We never needed much, but the exact amount was unknown.
We never got enough; toys food or clothes.
We didn't need that much, so "barely" was the most.

We never got enough of your time.
We didn't understand, the eldest not yet nine.
We didn't get enough, affection or warmth.
We never took for granted, but your time spent was short.

We didn't want more than enough, somehow understanding all you had.
We never asked for much: to play or share or cuddle.
We never got that, you liked to stay in your bubble.
We didn't ask for this, to be born, or brought into your life.

We didn't choose the love, or the lack thereof.
We didn't need the money, you hid away from us.
We had enough for us four, your greed was just because.
We had enough, We had enough, We had enough.

We had enough time, to learn proper affection.
We had enough vocabulary for simple conversation.
We had enough feelings, to know you didn't care.
We were not selfish, so why didn't you share?

Was it that we weren't enough, you needed a new man?
Was it that we weren't calm enough, it got out of hand?
Was it that you didn't have enough, of the finer things in life?
Was it that you didn't think enough, before becoming an underage wife?

Now we live out our lives, believing we aren't enough.
Now we live out our lives, always trying to be more, never being enough.
Now we live out our lives, working hard at enough.
Now we live out our lives, still not understanding the problem wasn't us.
the song of my existence.

any suggestions or corrections are always welcome!
I woke up in a field, a flower crown placed gently on my head. The night was calm, and surreal. Like a photo lens, picture perfect scene, I stood up in flowers surrounded by dark, I knew then, this was the end, the final note, the last piece of my heart.

Well, really the beginning you see. Lets start back at the beginning, the first one, follow me: The day still young, the sky still blue, I was me and you were you. The melody in the wind was nice, the air was chilled but the tone was ice.

No, not iced, but you get the point? Anyway, the short-lived love was oh so perfect, you and me and love was certain. We danced that day, in fields of daisies, holding me, holding us, holding life in the palm of our hands. Intertwined like the rope in a sailors knot, sturdy and  steady. You kissed my lips and I kissed yours, what a wonderful flavor love leaves on the mouth, that was then and this is now....

I'm getting off track. See you left me, alone and deserted. You walked away, I swear I was undeserving, but no that doesn't matter, right? You made your choice, and mine for me, I didn't want that, why can't you see!

I stumbled around in nature for hours, searching for you, picking you flowers, hoping you would find your way back, hoping maybe you just got off track. You didn't return, you didn't care, I was nothing, how is this fair?

I went to the stream where we skipped our stones; I waited and waited, sitting alone. You never returned. All hope was lost. I walked back to the meadow, where we shared so much love, lied on the ground and stared above. I watched the clouds, then counted the stars; My lids grew heavy, my breathing slowed down, I closed my eyes and slept on the ground.

When I woke, I was still alone, so I grabbed my crown and made my way home.
please note any suggestions, I aspire to write moving, clearly read poetry. any changes or addition suggestions are welcome (:
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