Because I live depressed
I live inept
& thrive by comparison
In the trenches.

A gentle wood but harsh fire.

Do you think I've got wisdom?

I have been thinking, and talking to God, and I realized something. I am one of God's children, I am one of God's children!
Are you one of God's children?

They are so angry, so angry all of the time, so angry at the world. At everybody else. Something that they don't realize, that I realize, is that they are angry at themselves. They are angry because they are confused, and their minds don't work like they used to. They are angry because they are afraid, because they can't take care of things like they used to.

I see that.

Sometimes I get angry because this is called assisted living, but I can't get any assistance around here. I've got nothing. I can't get no assistance.

I know this, this is Perry Como.
Merry Christmas.

-  Bob

Where is he?
He abandoned me here.
They take me outside and the leave me in the cold.
It's my only pleasure in the day.
I need someone with me.
Do you have any idea how lonely I feel?
Do you even know how alone I am?
Where is he?

Something is wrong with my brain
What are we doing?
I think I'm dying
I'm dying
I'm going to die
Am I going to die?
What are we doing?
I'm scared
I don't feel well

-Chu

It's like I've died
And I'm trapped in a museum

Mister lonely

I'm okay
are you?

I shut down for, I don't know how long
it was either that or, I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know.

I got off the quick wit
clumsy, and ate ****
and too busy stuffing my big fat face
to give any **** for the place around me
I just slept there
a lot
i shut off
and shut down
and haven't been anywhere

I can't even remember everywhere I had been a regular
I don't know, i don't know, i don't care.
But i think of you, but then
I go back to sleep.

Sometime I'll get back in enough of
a swing of things to let you know
i'm alive
but right now i have to remember
what being alive is.

I dont know.

We wanted to become better people
So we became better criminals.

Once upon a time I had a friend who went by "Klander"

He was quiet and observant and an ever-mind-expander

He may be the only person I'm aware of who I trust

with deeper subject matter, vital, to be openly discussed

if ever there were a person considered Godfather my k9

it's surely Klander/Picojoule, because I know he'd Godfather fine.


And feed him good food, and spoil him til he's rude,

and tolerate the attitude, and not mind the dog seeing him ****.

And he'd clothe him and not loathe him.

I have a friend who means everything to me
Each day I pretend to be the person that I wish that I could be
Every hour I spend further descending. I know I'll never get free.
Because i depend on you depending on the parts I let you see.

I have a friend who means everything to me.
Who fills the spaces that are empty.
Feeds into that for which I'm hungry.

I am lonely.

So is he.

I love you dearly.

You don't know me.

Either way it is wasting.
Claim your right
  to keep copy from pasting,
thereby laden these words beneath stone
where they lie as they rot, still unknown

Or to say
  what to speak is sweet tasting,
each frame recite
              liberties; terms replaced-
                                           -til the thing
doesn't resonate whatsoever, like it had, let alone
retain echoes of intention from initial undertone.

Incubation of thought from at best a guess of hue...
Distraught by more; eventually confessed
and we implore
what is repressed must we explore,
attest the vast extent this mess was misconstrued.

              Til to not adore much, lest
we curse what bless us as we grew.

We drove north into the night with  bellowing  winds gnashing at our backs.
When we came to an intersection he kept north.
Into the yawning

I wasn't waiting here
You found me where I come to, strange
To behave as if by locating
Me at home, it warrants change
Expectations of accommodations
Making room and rearranging

I'll watch the weight descend, and youre
Complicated I can't comprehend anymore
Why  I waited so long, thinking  who would  pretend
That they're  so strong they defend their sinking before
Their feet ever kiss the floor
Their feet ever kiss the floor

What came about in a time of wandering.
The consolation  getting  me by was
     knowing  it would  end,
I could  go back
  I could  go  back  to how it was
    I could  go back to how it was when I remember  happiness  
      I could  go  back  to  how it was when I remember  happiness  
           although  the time,
     then,
     was not.
Coming home to where I am safe
and where I can  be  anywhere  but  here.

I got by in dreaming  of stories  to  tell  
that  reflect  where  I  have  been,
where a path of solitude  crossed  theirs
and voice  where  I fear  most  in going.
I busied my mind  in the folds of the concepts,
and I was not afraid.
I came to  where  I knew I would  
but still I can't  stop  wandering.
The house  is here, and  I  am  inside  
but both  of  us  are  empty.
I know  the  stories  that haunt these halls
even  though  I could  lose my mind  entirely
wondering  what they mean.

Is it common
Am I lazy
Am I standing  in a place that never  existed  
and if I exist

why.

I am  losing  the  grip of
whatever  it is that  actually  cares  to know,
if even anything  is worth  knowing.
Insight recognizes a pattern
I never will  find where  it is I am going.
I ought to just stay here, soon it will be snowing.
I'll  wait here.

Closed off, abandoned, derelict, haunted  
DANGER: DO NOT ENTER
             you are unwanted.  
I guess let it collapse  
   on its  own; we can't  pay
for demolition  faster
             than natural  decay.

If you  visit  
   it is to test the
   structural  integrity,
else to marvel at what could  have  been,
pontificate  
   upon  why she
    is what is left.
Or theft.

I wish I could  collapse  into myself
   to be consumed  within
      the black hole in my chest,
so that my lifelong  companion,
   loneliness, cannot  follow.
             It is where
             it is nothing
and where nothing  may follow  as a guest.

I can wait.

Since I lost account for it,
Leaving just a base line to keep track
Of that which spits without a face
Is a hypocrite that leaves us with no prints
Relieves a chance for chase,

So I can wait.

I was young, we were naive
we knew we had the option, but didn't see why anyone would ever leave
it was easier back then to give the benefit of doubt
to all the words rolling off of a forked tongue
it was easy to believe
when we were young. We were naive.

i stand here, still.
my will is low.

in my hand the pill i
know can **** me,
i keep taking it until i
stop, with nowhere
else to go.

and so i stand here still
beneath the willow.

How and who decides
what
of these concepts to set
aside and which
        if any
Can be kept as set B-side
are manic.

We are kept here set here
beside our mania.
Inept except
We are exceptional at
our accepting our own
Any hour expecting
A guest is alone
A guess is unknown
As the guest refuses to show face or take name
Every one is the same,
And no one can be traced
So they claim that the taste
Left behind if the waste
In the wake of
Of the infamous singlular
Luciferous shadow...
Like as of the malicious
Behavior in which the
New users partake
Which is enough to shake
Many a good man foregone the
Veil of anonymity
Revealing the reason at the base
Of why so many of us fail
This game, we're frail
It's cold
To survive we lie,
And sail
And hold
Onto this thin veneer hoping
The world wI'll buy how we try to
appear
...I propose we are all driven by an inability to cope with our fear.

How and who decides
what
of these concepts to set
aside and which
        if any
Can be kept as set B-side
are manic.

Through Z we see that
everything is semantic.

I miss you, and the way your eyes felt soft and deep and endless as
we steady held the silence in the gaze.
For how you saw right through me...
brought me to life.

I had nothing to hide.

I miss you and the way you held my heart when it was breaking, every day
you whispered comfort for my fears.
You listened as I fumbled towards awareness of myself,
You were strong. You loved me. You knew me.

I miss waking up to love you, and letting you love me.
To fall completely into each day, into the trust.... I miss before I feared.

I couldn't cope with the concept of you knowing me better than I know myself.

And now I know that I have never known myself.

But you have.

And you were right.

I just needed you to know that now I know.

I want the world for you.

****
Please
I *******
Implore you
If you're happy hold your head up high
****
Please
I *******
Adore you
With these words that i have told you
Now i said i do ignore you and I'm cold
Because ****
Please
I implore you
If you're happy hold your head up high

Years that before
Mercy neared close enough
That the blur of the scene
Disappeared in the rough
So unsure what I mean
Or where would i reconvene...
And with whom?
When we are were we are
where they are there just to consume...
Everything they could.
Selling off everything that's good.

From that blinding white clear disaster
I thought I must fight or I'll rot even faster
I fought so I might keep from finding
I'm not really right and what's left's just reminding me how  
High I shot and now why I forgot to keep track what I bought that I caught up a lesson I set out too taught

You became my idol
and I became idle.
I don't blame you,
you've always been the same.
It was my mistake
to shake the heart awake
was just
to make it break apart.

To gaze from nowhere to the sky
at night, as it is starry,
are all the ways I bare as why
for bright, I am so sorry.

There is no
knowing where we were
or what we were
there for....
therefore, there is no going back.

Woulds that have been
growing as I
compare
myself, unsure,
but with what
more
I  wish I could,                  I wish I had.

But I'm too slow.             And I lose track.
Rather than show it, I just forfeit every attack.

Like a tumbleweed
caught
on a chain-link fence
surrounding the lot
where it grew,
I have found to
be humble is to need
what I'm not,
and that pain taught me uncommon sense...
thereby
grounding what has got
me through.

Whatever I thought,
I thought I knew
If I'm freed, I will crumble
and rot, remain sinking
in nonsense that I've misconstrued.

I know I do.

Lacking ample reason, I set you on a pedestal carved out of stone.

And I said, I'll be back in a season, I'm not really gone,

I just fed what starved us; the black of the night of doubt while alone.

The allegation I believe did not require consideration
It was a gross exaggeration out of desperation
This fabrication, and every sick insinuation,
A complication of a self explanation
Of your deprivation and justification
For your manipulation to suit your temptation,
infatuation with your impersonation
Contamination
Indignation within your contamination,
An accusation of your relation became your revelation,
It was not your reputation anymore under investigation
Starving for salvation, you fed each sick implication
As if each misrepresentation in vindication were a donation
To trade your damnation for his incarceration
As if creation of a demonstration

Desperation for an explanation
For your infatuation with temptation
Deprivation justification was indignation,
Accusation of impersonation -
Realization of manipulation
Salvation from damnation
Clarification of contamination
Allegation as donation
The Incarceration cancellation
The only explanation

I woke up, I cannot find the earth.
So I spoke up, just to remind myself
I am, I am, I am
still worth a ****.
I choke up but I am.

Where is the earth,
I ache for the soil
which caught me from birth
I take for granted that I was granted the spoil.
Is it genuine if it was not a choice, am I loyal?
Has it been a gift to get a thought and voice,
or do I sit
where I get  hit
because my spot
is one that taught
my father that none
get done,
that to win is hardly ever to have won.
To begin to disregard is to sever from what you’d begun.
You've been a coward too clever to run.
Are you empowered that you never were a son?
Instead devoured forever a family by the web a liar spun?

Often I think about the feral child
I can't help but wonder if he knows he's wild?

I can't help but think of the feral child
I wonder if he knows he's wild?

I open my eyes before I wake up,
     and I turn
           to settle down my feet upon the soil.
But the ground cannot be found.
To my surprise find I break up,
     and burn
           the heat from the metal on my crown;
           searing the loyal.
Recoil without a sound.
I keep it on, though kingdom gone,
The price to be royal is profound.

I have lost touch with the land.
I have lost touch with the land.
I have lost much, and through my hand
desperately I clutch
my home, realizing I demand too much.
This isn't what I planned.
I have lost touch with the land.
I may or may not understand
why within grasp that which must stay,
crumbled at last gasp and turned to sand

I have lost touch with the land
I have lost touch with the land
I have lost touch with the land
Much I do, much I don't
this much I understand.

Somewhere deep inside, in places that remain unseen
I feel I'm rotting away slowly, in the places I can't clean
and I don't know why I can't translate what I feel and what I mean
into words that you could understand.
Each time I try, I betray my right hand,
and have to realize that not even I understand.

Why I can't come forward, it's as if I'm not allowed...
but no such thing is true, and I don't know what keeps me from saying out loud,
and I just wonder if it is only me,
and if this means this is the person I will always be.
I still don't know if I believe there is a thing like destiny.

Somehow I feel *****, deep inside, I cannot change...
even though I wish I could, I cannot reach that deep, it's strange
and if there were a place that I could go in for a soul exchange...
I know I would; but since I can't, I guess at best I'll rearrange

Each time I try, I betray my right hand
and realize not even I understand

only one thing is certain to come to fruition
Which is claiming that you have it disproves your intuition

Eventually you may see what you politely termed, 'ambition'
might by others be conceptualized, 'condition'

I will not allow anyone to come close
Entirely based on fear.

The constraints of my perception
Knowing life by only one, my  context.

I have to assume the things which I fear for myself, broadly incite similar demons within others.

I know this is flawed, but oh my dear God, I could never take the risk. I'd rather die than push anyone into entropy. Of apathy.

If you killed yourself, I don't know what  I'd do.
And it may come across as irrational, but rest assured I've thought it through.
I've come to see nobody else can save me.
And to bring you as witness, you facing me bravely-
Til the eyes grow tired of what you once admired,
But I don't know how,  but I know you can't fix
This great mes, arriving djrectly contradicts
I love you but I will not hold you down
With your head beneath my water til you drown.

Going out to get used
May be better than getting no use at all

Everything is still the same, except just rearranged
except for dad, he's changed.

I fell down and nearly drowned
in whiskey and *******
I thought I could replace the pain
of not seeing your face again
but every ******* trace you left behind
was sacred space, inside confined
the welling tragedy, silence of the disgraced.
There isn't any telling in defense of the insane,
the mute intense.

and dad has changed.

The youngest nearly starved herself, by Grace she won't accept
but self-punishment and furtherance into sickness of debt;
if i were brighter, were i slighter,
had i done better, he'd have stayed
she blames herself, then just a child,
for causing all the grief you made.

and dad is changed.

a nephew or a niece conceived within loss of control
and then was lost and killed another piece of my exhausted soul
and I was married, with a step-son, after turning things around
but now that's buried ancient history. not what I thought I'd found.
He told me the same things you used to tell me,
they just like you because they don't know you.
your facade is too corrupt to show through.
but I am near now, I know you're a fraud.
You're the antithesis of good and God.

You never met my dog,

and dad has changed.

I remember warm waves of content
Washing over with feeling, now I belong.
Until tide drawing back, you wonder where I went
Sloshing  over revealing it all was wrong

when the thick fog creeping on your back seeps past
consuming sickness that was keeping track, gets lost at last
but this relief is leaping into grief, it's getting deep
and getting black, it's coming fast,
the clouds just weep themselves to sleep
since they can't brace for this attack

i may be awake
i may be asleep
i cannot remember
falling either way this deep

I am a dream.

I am experienced only as I occur
Even then the clarity at best is a stuttering blur.
The strands felt by fingertips lips kiss goodbye
can't repeat or be shared or reasoned much of why.
I am a nightmare.

When the earth in which your roots entangle,
wrapped around your neck to strangle;
what you get for what you're worth-
the only right came at your birth.
Deplete the soil, tried every angle.
Where you grew, your growth has mangled.
And you knew, but still repeat
choking your own cries of defeat.

i misused
and i will try
to heal what bruised
from standing by
my clumsy head
i dont know why
i let you down
i cannot fly

i miss you til the day i die

evaluate the symphony
be critical; direct
judge yourself from your actions
may justice be to reflect

the sentence ends the day you die
until then, run on, mourn
incoherence that depends on why you say why  
you left, right before you felt reborn.

in a way all is done
no body always
lost on the run.
in a way all is done
there is everything

We are not born equal,
                               but alive.
The brave,
    and then the meek,
imagined strong
   actually weak
They who choose
    to seek will surely thrive.
but to say, no
        i must refuse,
        means to survive.

leaders lead b/c followers will follow;
but if the followers
starve by the greed
of the 'lead,'
which as a title will swallow
the purpose that it was meant to feed.

It's all we have got!
No, don't drink what you bleed!
But I'm hollow and i rot!
and wont think to go be where i need.

We gather here a consciousness
collected,
coincidentally of convenience.
Derelict, the meek once scattered
were rejected,
by grace discovers providence
as brothers in uncommon sense-
                                                        -a­bilities receive projected
condemnation, misdirected.

Come
be who you are,
you have done well-come be who you are.

Been dimming.

Swimming in the brimming I don't mean.

When ways of convenience and routine fall prey to entropy
communicative moralities convey what will convene
to birth an expectation.
from misinformed and ill-preperation
after crossing over seeking pastures green,
to find im swimming somewhere sneaking in between.

I need a moment to grieve
the moment you gave me to leave
I don't know anymore what I believe
I won't show you the door
Leading to where I'm sore
Cause I know from before
where I'm bleeding, you pour
salt upon the vulnerable

I can't count
the times I lost
track on the track
in the times
I can't count on you

I lose track of the times I can't count on you.

Without fail the Ego death
Exhales at loss, in every breath

The mockingbird of your dreams
vanished as it grew quiet.
So carry forth, to rocking back-
Words urging flock to riot

Taking flight from the night
to be light feels right.

I wake up
to love you