I want to call your phone and speak one last time to you but just to remind you that i still remember the time we went on that bike ride and found all those flowers and the sun
******* we found the sun
and it was so warm and bright and maybe thats why i liked it so much because i was so cold and so dark.
it was probably never you just the things we used to do
and how up for anything you were but i have to admit we were so close i could feel you even when you weren't there
and now you're not here and i'm telling you i can feel it and it's so harsh but you're not who you were and i'm not even sure i am who i am and i guess it doesn't really matter anymore because it's all over.
I went so long without a longing thought but now it's like i'm constantly reminded of things that used to stop my lungs but in such a good way
such a ******* good way
but it all sizzled out and you really can't bring something back once it's dissolved but honestly why would you even want to?
It's the thought of what was and how much you want the "what could be" but that's a pigment of your imagination and "what could be" is actually "what never will be" because things turned out one way and that's the way they will stay.
I was drowning and I swam to the top for air and that was the best choice I've ever made because now i can tell the difference between when clean air is available and when i'm choking on the air i've been stuck breathing for a year and a half.
I want to go back to the beginning when everything was wrong but we made it feel so right and if our lighters went out we didn't care much because we'd make fire some other way.
sat in drafts for a while
I tell myself I'm worthless and I cry and I yell and I catch myself driving far beyond the limits I know to try to find something I can use but I always end up with a mirror in front of my body and eyes that could burn holes through it
and in reality I've been trying to feel something for so long that I've convinced myself I'm just incapable of feeling anything anymore.
my nerves are shot and fried and more often than not
I'm wilting and my petals are spread across the ground beneath me
but my leaves have fallen as well and what arms do I have left to pick up my own pieces? so I never bother with resuscitation I just start from the beginning and hope for a year without any thunder.
Sometimes I miss the days I would spend angry.
I would rip my own skin and scream and tears would be dragging down my face but ******* at least I could feel the fire rushing through my veins instead of questioning whether I even had veins or not because they'd gone so numb.
I've noticed the juice my arteries are pumping isn't just blood and it's a lot cooler than it used to be.
I find myself looking in the mirror and seeing all kinds of yellow and occasionally I catch the corners of my mouth reaching to the sun and begging the stars to kiss them.
I catch myself with red cheeks and pink lips and my eyes have little specks of gold in them and this is so surreal because my cheeks have been grey and my lips have been blue and my eyes have been empty for as long as I can remember and it's times like that when I forget my own name because I'm so happy to have colour in my life.
I'll never live for anyone but myself which is why I know I'm living my life as a cactus; I'm so against letting anyone close to me and I hurt everyone in the process of trying to climb every ladder and let myself be okay
But this is different and I feel so ******* much for once that I don't ever want to let this go.
It's January and I'm a year older now and here I am independently depending on you to make me smile and light the flame behind my eyes when candles are meant to go out eventually and I'm trying to keep this light on forever. The next minute I'm thriving on my own, out for dinner alone just because I can and I've always hated inconsistancy so when am I going to open my eyes and realize I am as inconsistant as it gets?
Now it's February and I'm supposed to feel the love but all I feel is cold air on my neck but I'd do anything for it to be your warm breath but it's just not and I need to learn that I will never be able to control anyone but myself.
February fades into March and I catch myself reminiscing to my time across the atlantic where my only worries were what to spend my money on and finding a wifi signal occasionally. This year I'm in the same place as always and I'm starting to think there's a message that I just keep missing year after year.
Another April fools joke I play on myself where I try to convince myself that the world is sweet and warm and I can't figure out if it's hopeful or just cruel because every year I realize it's only a joke. I spend April seeing the warmth but then the rain follows it and it's kind of like the world keeps changing it's mind, are you cheery or are you dark?
May all your stressers settle down and May you get a good night's sleep, more than once in a row. The weather is getting warmer and your heart is getting softer. You spent a long time shivering and wishing for the warm weather when you believed you could finally love yourself and now it's here and you're starting to but you can't shake the feeling that come fall, you'll be back to your old ways.
June is when you were never yourself last year because your new friends were into different things than your old friends and they never forced you into anything but you chose to float around on a cloud rather than face the world and walk with your feet. You're hoping that this June is going to keep your chin up and your spirit as yellow as can be but you have to live day by day or you'll end up with navy blue clouds around your brain.
You're swimming in July and realizing that your swimming hair doesn't define you as a person and by now you think you're lovely all around. You feel the warmth of the sun until 10pm and you're happy to be alive and happy that you pushed yourself to overcome your black lungs of the winter. You're not worried about falling because by now you've taught yourself that your will to live will hold you stronger than your will to die.
August comes around and you've been working everyday and you're glad to have the friends you have and even though you work until 9pm you know that afterwards you'll be laughing yourself into tears because you've made it, you finally made it. The dark cloud has been lifted and you're okay with yourself on your own and if no one will love you, you'll love yourself.
September fades in and you remember getting your act together a year ago and how before that you were one hell of a tornado and you psyche yourself out that you might fall back into that under the pressure of a new school and no more friends to run to at night. You spend more time sitting on your own because your friends are out of city and you realize you really did make the best out of summer but you want it all back right now.
You're getting used to things and it's October but youre more worried about the lack of light outside than what might be running around in it. You're not one to fear the night and the ghosts it encases but you are one to fear the ghosts living inside of your shivering body. After radiating yellow for so long it's devastating to feel your knuckles turning grey.
It's November now and you always wear mittens because the grey you felt in October has worked its way up to your wrists and you don't want anyone to know that your yellow is being drained. You feel like you're walking on eggshells or rusty nails because no matter what you do a part of you breaks and you know standard first aid so why cant you figure out how to fix yourself? You're constantly yelling for help but your left hand shoots up to cover your mouth every time you open it.
It's December and you realize you are once again at war with yourself and you want to throw in the towel, honestly, but somehow last year you made it and youre just not ready to lose any more than you already have. You go to draw your sword but the moment you reach you notice youve grown 4 other arms already pointing daggers in your direction. Staying calm is all you can do but you know yourself better than to be capable of such and you fall back into your old moments of panic only to repeat the vicious cycle of the months again.
There's this warm feeling I get everytime i stand up and i feel it come from under my shoulders and crawl up my neck and cheekbones only to seep back down into my chest.
I don't know what it is.
Sometimes I convince myself it's the guilt I keep from questioning whether I'm really over anything I've ever felt,
other times it's from the confidence of knowing I'm fine on my own.
I lay down and am overcome with a shiver that stays in my arms and legs long after it's finished
and honestly thinking about it brings it back everytime.
I truly believe I'll never know if it's because I'm cold without you or just flat out cold.
A part of me feels like I'm falling and people are noticing but no one will catch me
but most of me knows that I'm still on my feet not drawing any attention to myself.
I have a habit of wearing warm clothing in attempt to stop the shivers
but the fleece doesn't change the goosebumps
and I've realized I'm never really cold at all; just alone.
Sometimes when I'm sleeping I have these visions involving the people who used to love me and sometimes they call my cell phone and leave messages in languages I can never understand.
I always tell myself the voicemails symbolize how they left without an explanation and that maybe if they explained I wouldn't understand it anyways.
I feel a shiver every time I get in the car to drive away and mostly I think it hits me that I'm capable of independence but sometimes I wonder if it's because you're not in the car with me.
If I drove for long enough I know my wrists would finally calm and my toes would uncurl at the tips of my shoes and thats a good thing but everything resets in the morning when I wake up and I can't spend every morning driving until I stop shivering.
F** is for all the times you forgot about me. We'd sit on your couch and watch the kind of videos you have to keep your legs crossed for because otherwise you'd *** your pants from laughing so hard. You laughed and I laughed and I'm still not sure if I was laughing at the video or because I was happy that you were happy. We'd talk on the phone and I'd tell you the things that were hurting my brain and you'd tell me I'm a good person and that it's okay to get sad but if you to choose to be happy then you will be. So i chose to be happy and you chose to stop calling me back.
R is for the razors I picked up when you said you never cared about me. I'll never know why you bothered to pretend to care when I cried because while you were collecting my tears to water your plants you missed the fact that it was pouring rain for 3 months straight. They say words can be sharper than knives and that's how your words cut me deeper than I ever have.
A is for the lost city of Atlantis and how you drowned me in water so deep I recreated myself to live through rough conditions. I wake up in the morning and avoid all mirrors because I look like hell and I feel even worse. I spend my life watching people swim and pulling kids out of water right before they're ****** under and maybe the reason it's fulfilling is because I myself went under and no one tried to help me because you covered up the sound.
G is for the guilt you made me feel when I asked you to explain why you lied to me. I thought I deserved an explanation and I told myself to be strong in knowing that I'd done no wrong but you were quick to jump on my every word and faster than any train I'd ever ridden on to make me feel lower than I'd ever let myself slip. You had me convinced I was too hard to handle and that simply existing was a burden to anyone in contact with me but you were wrong and now I know I'm a ******* hurricane of wild ideas.
I is for your disbelief in my mental illness. I spent a significant part of my life in a room without windows and my skin had become so pale I could see the lack of blood flowing through my veins. When I told you I'd tried opening the door but it was locked you told me to just unlock it but all this time you knew I didn't have the key. It was then that I made a key of my own and ran out of that room without ever looking back and it may have been your idea but I pulled it off all on my own.
L is for the lessons I've learned from you. Now I know you can never trust a tsunami but if you face enough of a wave you'll figure out how to brace yourself enough to make it through. I've learned that it's okay to let your guard down sometimes because if you never let yourself get hurt you'll forget why you ever had your guard up to begin with. I've learned that all those times you said that "i don't know why" wasn't a valid answer, my answer should have been in the form of cutting off all ties to you.
E is for the epiphany I had when you told me you couldn't talk to me until I got over you. I had cried in the middle of the night wishing for you to acknowledge my existence but you didn't for over a week and I'd never felt so ******* empty but then you sent just one short text and I swear it was right then that I knew you were poisonous. I'd spent so much time hoping that we could work things out and thinking that if I just tried a little bit harder our problems would disappear but I am not a magician and that is why I didn't realize my biggest problem was you until after you were gone.
 there are people in this world who only want to hurt you and i know your tender little heart will have a hard time grasping that concept because sometimes it gets all too easy to love and you end up laying in your bed for 16 hours at a time because even though your legs are clear you have endless bruises on your heart and sometimes its easier to pretend youd rather be sleeping than just dead.
 school is hard but keeping friends is harder and when you decided not to go to school you shredded the contract keeping you in touch with the people who used to know your favourite colour and make you cupcakes on your birthday but now youre mostly alone and even when youre surrounded by people youre screaming "i need to go home" in your head but you know you dont mean your house, you mean your home.
 youll cough and ***** and your head will pound but even then you wont be as sick as the people who proved they couldnt care less about you and even though youre one to give everything your entire existance nothing works out for people who see the good in the world because so many people are taught to see the bad.
 youre on a train alone and youre wondering how you got there and where are your friends and why cant you keep your eyes open without tears pouring out but you keep composure because youre in public and youre off to college on your own in only a year and how will you live alone in another city from everyone you care about if you cant even keep yourself together for a 45 minute train ride to a concert you bought tickets for 3 months ago.
 no one means anything they say but pretty please dont let that make you think its okay for you to say things you dont mean because fighting fire with fire causes third degree burns and bubbles of soap may be cute and light but bubbles in skin hurt like hearing something you know is untrue from someone you want to eat popsicles with in the summer and kiss until their lips fall off
If ever in a situation where someone could possibly leave me,
I always contemplate leaving first.
Not because I'd ever want to
but because it's like the ocean would stop coming in waves; to be left.
Velcro works because it consists of two pieces,
one soft, and the second rough; catching on everything.
I am the second piece of velcro.
I cling to everything that will let me cling
and letting go is ridiculously hard because even when I'm mentally convinced upon doing so
my physical body holds on with each tiny *****.
I love getting attached.
Depending on someone is such a beautiful thing
and I could compare craving someone to the way the waves always come back to kiss the sand,
hopeful for a return,
unfortunately the water kissing the sand is a constant and the one you want to be there for you isn't always.
I have so much hope and love
that honestly, sometimes I forget to breathe
and its upsetting to know that I hold my breath everytime someone leaves me
and maybe thats why I spent 4 years thinking I was dead.
i wrote this on the toilet