What did I do wrong
A year later and I don't know
I took time and I moved on
Why was now the time that you chose

To confront me with words like a knife
Cutting deep, sinking through my whole life
When I thought I was done, I was fine
I'm proved wrong, but I know you aren't trying

I don't feel anything for you anymore
That parts over, I've been done for some time
I'm happy, I don't need you, so why does it matter
If you reach out or stay silent

I shouldn't care, it shouldn't hurt
You put up walls and left me here
I shouldn't care, it's absurd
But it's cold and lonely on the other side here

It's been a year, I've moved on to a new life
I made new friends, memories, and habits

Before you I never had these thoughts
That I wasn't good enough or somehow flawed.
I never wondered, I had all the answers,
I knew every piece would help make the puzzle.
But now there's six long months unaccounted for,
Leaving so many questions you wouldn't answer.
What went wrong? Where was I? ...and why?

the moment when everything changes
looking back, you wonder how you were so unsuspecting
how everything could seem so perfect
no red flags were raised, no chance for you to surrender
before the mess and the carnage
suddenly alone, you blame yourself
making lists of what you could have done
how you could have changed the outcome
your mind never at rest
racing thoughts
a pounding heart
constant pain

Desperately kicking
Trying to stay afloat
It went from calm, still waters
To thundering white caps
Within a matter of seconds
The pain was dull, serene
Hiding behind ripples and bubbles
But now it’s pounding
Tearing apart flesh and bones
What I wouldn’t give to go back
To the easy, gentle flow
Rocking slowly with a smile
Please just take me back

cut and paste
tear and mend
dye and die again

try to fix it
do your best
or else you'll never rest

He smiles at me,
eyes full of love and care.
"It will be worth it,
I promise."

This record is stuck,
the needle struggling to go forward.
But it can't, it keeps jumping
and repeating itself over and over.

He looks at me,
cold breath hanging in the air.
"Just put your bag down,
come here."

Red leaves on every tree
Falling to rest on the ground
Candles in every room
Smelling of apple and spice

Orange pumpkins with scary faces
Smiling as the people pass by
The light of the moon like a small star
Thousands of miles away

Yellow sun shining on heads
Warming the frozen fingers
Both birds and children call
To mothers and fathers, to friends and family

Brown hair in its own battle
Wrapped up un a striped scarf
Hot chocolate with cinnamon and steam
Drunk from a ceramic mug

All these things come together
These are the colors of Autumn

closed off from the world
in a room with her thoughts and regrets
she felt felt so lonely in crowded places

her friends always told her,
"hold on a little longer"
but she dreamed of a world
without any pain or hurt or tears

how quickly she'd go and stay
unnoticed but not alone
real life isn't like the movies
she told herself as she held back tears

love, the bittersweet enemy
idolized and envied by naive
keeping quiet her heart screams
with hate and anger
how easy it is to see the way
it tears her down
yet without that hidden place to hide in
she falls apart

crimson covering the bitter memory
of that one little promise
broken with one quick-spoken word

she can't seem to run
away from all the lies
but the truth is a blade
held to her wrist with her shaking hand

Little white blossoms, born overnight
pure, easy, unbelievably real
bred in the darkness, made into light

numbness
drowning, deafeningly silent
in my own thoughts
back to this again

running
away from this feeling
or lack thereof
which consumes me yet again

Now that I've said goodbye...
I've realized just how much I love your hello,
that cute little smile you give me from across the room,
the tight embrace you hold me in every day,
and the way your eyes search deep into mine.

Now that I've said goodbye...
I've realized just how much I treasure our times,
the laughter we share over nothing and everything,
the waves of affection and amazement that pour over me,
and telling you every part of my innermost thoughts.

Now that I've said goodbye...
I've realized that I wasn't ready to yet.

I haven't been around you in so long,
Haven't heard you deep voice or seen that grin.
And now all you've left me with is your lustful touch,
Desired by my body but not wanted by me.

That touch which caused so many new feelings,
Ecstasy and desire, hate and sin.
I loved you, I knew you, I wanted to be yours,
But you made me hate me, why can't you see?

That the only memories I have left of us
Are the ones when you invaded my mind and my confidence.
Not once, not twice, but over and over,
I said no, we shouldn't, and you said it was okay, that you loved me.

Now thanks to your "love," I feel ***** and unclean,
And I know that's an bittersweet innocence I'll never get back.
You took it from me, tore it from my hands,
Stole it without a glance, a nightmare I just can't look past.

And yet amidst this sorrow, this deep regret,
My body begs for your presence,
My mind aches for the love you once gave me,
That gross, uninvited, cold touch.

Dripping with tears of sorrowful love,
The condensation on the glass of her soul,
That fragile muscle, so easily shattered,
Poked and prodded, cracked in two, but barely still whole.

Thin layers coating the surface of her precious jewel,
Crimson covers cloaking the bitter story
Of a long forgotten memory deep in his mind,
Waiting to be discovered and unraveled to true, majestic glory.

The connection of their souls and minds,
Severed by one little broken promise,
One quick-spoken word filled with menace and brutality,
When all she wanted was for him to be honest.

The ringing of those broad bells,
Signaling the end of her anguish and heartache,
And the beginning of new life and contentment,
A sleep from which she had to wake.

How could you do this to me?
Not only did you lie to me,
You manipulated me --
Twisting your words
Until it was what you thought I wanted to hear.
All I ever wanted was the truth!
You destroyed me --
When I found you'd lied,
Nothing else made sense
Your words were all the same,
Sugar coated just to benefit yourself.
Not one thing you did was for me!
And now, I doubt you --
I doubt you ever had true love for me.
Everything you claim is real,
How do I know it's no different than before?
When you said it over and over again,
Digging your own grave,
With each and every sentence,
How do I know you're not just lying again?
How could you do this to me,
Making me doubt myself and everyone around me.

You know what they say,
that you never know what you have 'til it's gone.
And now I know that is the truth.
All this time, I thought
that I had all I would ever need,
but now I see that was a lie.

One more time I hear you say,
you don't wanna hurt me, but it's too late.
Walkin' away, the tears on my face,
knowing you'll never be mine.
I know I said that I'd be okay,
but the truth is I don't know how...

And my heart breaks
with the words that are coming out of your mouth.
I love your honesty,
but right now I can't take it no more.

All I want is to see you
and to feel okay for once,
but I know it's not easy to adjust.
Is there something I can do
to just enjoy my time with you,
or something I can say to change your mind?

One more time I hear you say,
you don't wanna hurt me, but it's too late.
Walkin' away, the tears on my face,
knowing you'll never be mine.
I know I said that I'd be okay,
but the truth is I don't know how...

And my heart breaks
with the words that are coming out of your mouth.
I love your honesty,
but right now I can't take it no more.

One more time I hear you say,
you don't wanna hurt me, but it's too late.
Walkin' away, the tears on my face,
knowing you'll never be mine.
I know I said that I'd be okay,
but the truth is I don't know how...

And my heart breaks
with the words that are coming out of your mouth.
I love your honesty,
but right now I can't take it no more.

Losing a friend,
it's the hardest part.
Sure, my heart aches,
and the tears stain my face.
But the worst feeling, the most pain,
comes from knowing
I'll never have my best friend back again.

I just want you back again
I don't even know who I am now
the silence coming from your direction
is more deafening than any scream
I don't know how to change this
I want to do something -- anything
but I know that I can't

I live in constant fear--
     of messing up.
What a glorious life I could have,
     if this cloud didn't always hang over me.
This plague, brought on by myself,
     by my fears, desires, and tears.
Surrounding me, separating me
     from the rest of the world.
The only thing keeping me
     from truly living.

The funny thing about life's surprises
Is finding out what you thought to be true was all just one big white lie
Once upon a time no longer a land away
The days you cried out and thought you couldn't go on
Haunting your thoughts, but not taking over your life

The things that used to cause the tears to flow
Now just make you stop and think
People which used to break you down
Now just help to build up other relationships

The unexpected outcome of tragedy, joy prevails
The paradox of a forgotten bittersweet memory
The moment you realize you'll never be the same
Changing you forever, messing with your whole, safe, outlook on life
What was once a sad, dark mess is now a bright and sunny paradise

You don't even know
What you do to me
What your words can cause me to think
You don't even know
How you make me feel
How I just want you to say what you never will say
You don't even know
That I go to bed crying
That my tears reflect what I never could say

Those nights back when everything was fine
The stars shone down on us
Looking at each other, our hands intertwined
Tears didn't exist, heartache was unheard of
All we were was just two innocent kids
Always together and and madly in love

The butterflies in my stomach never stopped fluttering their wings
I never felt the silence of a stare
You were all that I knew to need
No one warned me that we could end
Or if they did, I just ignored it
All I could think of was how I needed you to be my friend

I feel the constant need for your approval
For you to say I can or can't
The constant need to know you're okay
If I do this or say that or go there

Why can't I just be independent
And do what I want to do
Why can't I just say, who cares
And not worry about what you think

At night as I lay there crying
Your words, or lack thereof, are what keep me up
They make me wonder if I'm enough
Or if you just make it through with the failure I am

I know I fail, you can see it too
So why do you stay, why do you torture me
Make me happy and sad all at once
You mean the world to me, yet you tear it down

You bring to my life
The most joy I've ever felt
But you take from my soul
The only love I ever knew

Why must you be so kind to me
So loving and caring
But then turn around and make me feel
Like I am nothing compared to you

Is this how I'm supposed to live
One day feeling great and the next terrible
Is this what love is always like
One day on fire and the next burning down

I just want us back to how we were
Laughing and loving and inseparable
But now as I look at you from across the room
I know that it can never be again what it once was

The pain in your eyes,
your voice breaking as you speak,
it breaks me inside.

You've seen so much hurt,
experienced so much loss,
known so much heartache.

You are so **** young,
you should be so innocent
and yet, you are not.

She lives in a world of lies and shattered pieces
Constantly telling herself that everything will work out
That it will be alright if she can just hold on
When she knows in her broken little soul
That the only thing that will mend is the hearts of those around her

Truly she knows how deadly her mind is to herself
The fake, comforting, band-aid thoughts that fill her with dread
Taking over when she's alone and crying
Those white lies that she almost believed in
The one she almost trusted, stabbing her in the back

The delicate rose inside of her withering away with dehydration
Life being ****** out, replaced by a poison of the worst kind
Doubts filling her head, clouding her judgement
Forcing her to do unforgivable things that she'll never forget
The thorn in her side pushing her again and again

They say you need to bleed to know you're alive
And although she has bled, she's still not sure
Wishing it was all just a nightmare, a lie of a dream
Again with the lies, she'll never get away
She runs and runs but they always follow her

All around her she sees the broken pieces of herself
Reflected back at her sobbing figure through cracked mirrors
Lighting bouncing off and hiding away
Hiding from the girl who sealed her own fate
The girl who knew what she was getting into but couldn't stop

The girl who is me
--

she met him by chance, she had another
he fell in love, but couldn't take her from the other
she told him her problems, her deepest thoughts
she had been broken, thrown away as if she were nothing
she had so many scars, so many wounds
she told him everything, all she had ever felt
she fell in love and didn't even know it
he still loved her
she came to him crying, her other had been terrible
he held her, didn't let go, shielded her from the world
she realized the truth and gave him a chance
a chance to be more than just her friend
he made her so happy, brought her up out of the ditch she had been in
she trusted him so much more than anyone else, ever
she hated herself, but somehow still loved him
he tried to convince her of amazing things, tried to tell her
but she couldn't believe him, she wouldn't
still, they were happy, they had each other
it was better than any fairytale, better than any story
it was all too good to be true
a year passed, still they loved each other
she had more valleys, but each time he brought her to a mountain
he loved her like no one ever had before
she began to like herself just a little
she tried to be happier for him, wishing it was enough
she tried to be the woman he wanted
but she couldn't, she wasn't made for that
she told him, said they needed to take a step back
he agreed but they didn't change anything
it was all too fast, they went too far
but neither could bring themselves to stop, to change
she cried, day and night, he was supposed to be there
she sobbed, he should have been drying her tears
he said he didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to cause her pain
but she knew it was too late
she kept it from him, wouldn't tell him the pain he had caused her
she tried to pretend it was all okay
but they both knew the truth, it couldn't go on like this
so she tried to tell him
she tried to explain herself, her mind, her thoughts
he listened, he was there, but she felt like he was always distant
she felt that he was never telling her everything
finally she found out he had been lying
everything he had said, everything he had done
none of it had been for the reason she thought
she cried, she sobbed
a year of her life had been one big white lie
she knew she would never get it back, the time or the experiences
the firsts, the bests, they would never be hers again
he asked for forgiveness
but she couldn't give him any, so she told him
he kept asking, but she didn't budge
she couldn't forgive a liar immediately
she felt everything else to do with him had been a lie
all of it, dripping like syrup off his lips
so she put it off, for another time
she just said to wait, and maybe sometime, she'd have it in her
maybe she'd be able to love again
maybe not, but she had to try

I am done just surviving,
done keeping my head just above the waves.
I am done with fighting to just get that little last breath again.
I am done just making it another day,
done just being okay.
I am done lying just because it makes things easier.

the words you said
the things you told me
the messages I believed
now, nothing but a lie
a dying flower in the fields
an arrow soaring towards my heart
a pair of mockingbirds just copying each other
all this time, it's all been a lie
the looks you gave me
the wonder in your eyes that i had come to believe
the piercing lightning of your touch
now pierces my heart, my brain
I don't understand it, how could you do this
who could be so cruel to lie
for months on end
saying one after another after another
never ceasing
you ask for forgiveness
you ask that I don't hate you
but I can't right now
you dropped a bomb on me, you destroyed me
everything I thought was true
just a little white lie
breaking me, killing me
hurting me more than any words ever have

It's all been said and done,
everything out in the open.
There's nothing I can do now,
nowhere I can hide my emotion.
I've been broken too long,
tried to hold it all in, but it's useless.
All those times I refrained from speaking,
I realize now, it was so foolish.
I'm sorry for all the lies,
for all those times I couldn't say
What I thought, what I felt,
I never meant to lead you astray!

I'm coming, step by step
Slowly bringing myself back into this world
The cold finally nipping my nose
The rushing of the river filling my ears for once
Washing over me like a veil being swept away
Exposing me to the reality of this life
The good and the bad, all filling me with hope
All these thoughts and feelings
Not for the first time, but new all the same
Previously unknown, my body numb to everything
But now, the green of the grass in my blurred vision
Clearing up, becoming sharp again
Penetrating my growing mind

Sitting here with you,
I pour out my heart,
I let you in to the deepest parts of me.

My honesty spills out of me,
riding the tears down my face,
leaving scars where I can't be mended or fixed.

Please, don't destroy me,
I gave you the chance to get out,
but please, don't take it.

You are the light that guides me,
the flashlight to my darkened soul
without you I will never find my way.

the blue in your eyes
penetrating my line of sight
the words that you say
increasing my love for you day by day
the way you move and how you breathe
you're more than I could ever be
hand in hand, we fit like a glove
thank you for this gift of love

spilling out of my eyes
rolling down my cheeks
these thoughts and feelings
drowning me in my own pain
the words i said to you
killing me, stabbing me
wondering where i went wrong
when it all fell apart
what can i do

Lost my footing,
can't get back up.
Need you to help me,
but you're nowhere near.

Losing my mind,
cannot think straight.
Need you to understand,
but you're nowhere near.

I will lose my way,
wander untraveled paths.
I'll need a hero to save me,
but you won't come.

I remember
back when life was simple --
unknown adventure
waiting to capture me.

I remember
back when loving was easy --
your smile, a few words
could make my day.

I remember
back when emotions were logical --
laughs meant good, tears meant bad
and everything balanced out.