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Feb 13 · 132
On the bright side
ashley lingy Feb 13
The nurse got me in one stick
A bed is ready for me upstairs,
just as my angry ER neighbor reaches higher octave
The blankets are heated
Most of the staff is kind
Trying their best
I’m losing blood
Not enough for transfusion
More often I find myself floating above the stiff hospital bed on a cloud of Dilaudid
I shuffle to the window in the morning
Stare longingly into the cemetery below
A well kept patch of grass
A smattering of carved stone
No needles
No wires
No tubes
No beeps
No yelling
Peace
Apr 2020 · 113
I'm melting
ashley lingy Apr 2020
I’m not bursting at the seams,
I’ve begun to ooze out between the seams.
I want to cry out, "I’m melting!"
but I’m so tired.
Apr 2020 · 83
Droplet
ashley lingy Apr 2020
Her sunken eyes stare down the storm
This is her chance and she’s ready
Wind squeals; black clouds swarm
as she closes her eyes and holds her arms steady.

Her smile is soft as her small fingertips kiss each droplet.
“Goodbye...goodbye...goodbye.”
ashley lingy Apr 2020
She used to sit in the park with me.
We will sit on a bench and we will each hold a tea.
She never fails to smile with her eyes;
I swear each time I see it, that's the moment it dies.
Feb 2020 · 883
Pride and Potatoes
ashley lingy Feb 2020
I peel sweet potatoes.
My phone pings.
I check it.
Messages of pride flood my eyes.
I feel loved.
I put it down.


I peel the sweet potatoes.  
My dogs sniff my legs.


I am distracted, searching and anxious.
I feel loved.


I peel a previously peeled potato.


I stop.
I lecture myself.
"I focused and worked hard.
That’s all I did."


I focus on my potatoes.
The work gets done.
I feel proud.
I feel loved.
Feb 2019 · 736
after a long night
ashley lingy Feb 2019
i got out of his car
and
hopped on my bike
dashing through the neighborhoods
streaking down a bike path
faster
FASTER
squinting in the face
of an angry early morning sun

i stop

stumble off my bike

try to be discreet
***** into a bush


pick up my bike
wave to a jogger
force a smile

i head home
Nov 2018 · 1.0k
Stripper Soda
ashley lingy Nov 2018
Sometimes I wonder
if the dollar that paid for my soda
was ever in a strippers underwear.
And then...I wonder
if the cashier is ever thinking the same thing.
ashley lingy Nov 2018
I don't know who I am exactly...

and I think I'm ok with that.

Because I get to choose who I'm going to be every day

when I wake up in the morning.

As far as tomorrow goes,

I hope the sun shines through my window...

I need a warm reminder that brighter days lie ahead.

I need help to rise with a pep in my step,

hopefully with productivity and a plan in mind.

Because this year...

I will brave the treacherous aisles of the grocery store in the days before thanksgiving.

And I will be nothing if not gloriously triumphant in my quest.

I hope.

I pray.
Nov 2018 · 769
Beating
ashley lingy Nov 2018
I hold my love for you
like the frail egg of a blue jay,
and I beg my shaking fingers to hang on.
There is a thumping beat within
threatening to break free from
thin shell.
I gently cup this in my palm
and I dream of the day it can beat alongside your thundering heart,
a thought to
soothe
my
worries
and
feed
a

steady

slow


pulse.
Nov 2018 · 3.4k
Selfie
ashley lingy Nov 2018
I pretend I don't know why I take you.
But really,
I like to chronicle my days, my moods, my looks.
Did I put makeup on that day?
Was I tired?
Was I happy? Smiling?
Forcing a smile?
Using a filter?
The truth is written all over my face,
if you know where to look.
Apr 2018 · 507
Defiant
ashley lingy Apr 2018
Encased in smooth defiance.
I am set in my ways, and I refuse to depart,
I refuse to learn, I refuse to be taught.
I'm cold,
closed off, shut down.

What better choice is there when people just
drip
with indifference?

I won't open up,
spring
from my hard earned shell.

For years, it is here that I've stood,
deep in my cool fortress, protected,
cloaked in neutrality.

My secret lies deep.
Here, I can't be cracked.

My weakness.

Here, I am safe.

My fear.

I wonder how long I can hide it?

What will be my demise?

That fragile spot, and
one
warm
heart.
ashley lingy Apr 2018
On the far away island of Sala-ma-sond,
Mira the Koala was head of the pond.

A nice little pool,
it was quaint, it was cool.
The shore side was warm
with eucalyptus galore.

But all was not well in Sala-ma-sond.
For the subjects of Mira were really not fond
of the company Queen Mira kept in her pond.

See, over the years, Mira had gotten to know
a few polar bears, their fur white as snow.

These bears got lost some long time ago,
whilst traveling up to the great northern pole.
On the part of the trip, along the Nile,
the bears lost their map at the 27th mile.

They moaned and groaned, yelled and cried.
They longed for the cold, the north's crisp blue skies.
As the polar bears sniveled, squinting through tears,
Mira heard their loud cries with her big koala ears.
Confused for a moment, unsure of the noise,
she paused and reflected, still keeping her poise.

But the cries of the bears continued to grow.
Queen Mira was left with no choice but to go.

Traveling fast on the path resisting the least,
she made her way quickly to the great sobbing beasts.
She arrived and asked what was the matter.
The polar bears explained, or more accurately, blathered.

"STOP!", pleaded Mira, her heart growing weak,
"I can save you! I can help you! I just need a bird's beak!"

At this the bears paused, for her meaning was unclear.
But then the toucan swooped in, beak sharp as a spear.

He followed Mira’s orders, and poked around in the deep rushing river.
He poked and prodded, but in the end, he had nothing to bring her.

Despite the toucan’s efforts, the map was still MIA,
Impossible to find, a needle amongst hay.

And the bears AGAIN let out big bear cries,
and water also began to fill Mira's eyes.
"Stop bears, stop! I beg of you please!
There is no need to cry, you can come stay with me!
Please come stay in my home,you don’t have to go roam!
Come stay, come stay, at least for a week."

And for a few moments, the bears did not speak.
They looked at each other, nodding their heads,
then roared loud enough to be heard through thick lead.

Every one of the animals heard this great sound,
and every one of the animals turned around,
swiveling their heads 180 degrees.
Every animal turned, from the lions to the bees.
And when the racket stopped, every animal knew
that something was different, something was new.

The bears came to stay just for a little bit.
Then a bit became a while, and soon, that was it.
Suddenly, it was three years later,
and the polar bear's presence had become much greater.

The bears were crude, they were rude, and they were loud.
To their every demand, Queen Mira had bowed,
and the bears felt entitled to every leaf, tree, and stump.
To every single hole, to every single bump.

It soon became clear that in Sala-ma-sond,
the big polar bears now ruled over the pond.
And all of the animals were utterly miserable,
especially Mira, who felt gullible and responsible.

Let this be a lesson to the more hospitable of you.
It's good to be generous, yes, that much is true.
But beware of the guests who take advantage,
for those guests can become difficult to manage.

Don’t be like Mira, letting others walk all over you.
Know when it’s time to bid a guest ‘adieu’.
Apr 2018 · 319
Warm Honey
ashley lingy Apr 2018
Frigid boy.
She sees him, hiding behind sarcasm and wit.
He is flint.
She is warmer than sun in late July.
She is a spark.
They meet and ignite.
Vivid technicolor feelings dance in between.

He is entranced by her charm, her saccharine grace.
Warm honey.
Still uneasy, unsure, with few facts and little certainty.
This is not normal operations.
But he is bewitched.
And this girl, she is not to be tamed.
Baffling beauty.

Her instability makes him nervous, he likes control.
He’s frightened.
But she is persistent.
She has the remedy to his wounds.
She is the catalyst.
With that in mind, he reaches out.
He holds her hand.
Mar 2018 · 590
Your Slow, Steady Burn
ashley lingy Mar 2018
I tumble wildly, trapped, afraid,
with the endless screaming in my head.
I crack one day, but just miss the mark.
I assumed that nothing lay ahead.

Our love was a slow burning candle.
I was blinded by darkness, hopeless.
But your flickering helped me handle
my broken mind, bringing me wholeness.

Once recovered, that slow, steady burn
grew into a raging inferno.
If I had known how much I would yearn
for you, burn for you, learn from you….no.

I would have never tried to leave here.
You are not the only reason I stay.
Yet, you are my guiding light; my fear
met its maker, you melt it away.
Feb 2018 · 286
Numb
ashley lingy Feb 2018
I can smell you on the sheets
of this ****** hotel suite.
A numbness cascades over me.
Listless, I dream of what could be.
I try my hardest to be tough.
I am prepared, with fisticuffs
to wake up next to you one day.
Though now I feel tired and grey.
I know I'll have you back with time.
Tender love rushing back sublime.
Feb 2018 · 744
Dying Dreams
ashley lingy Feb 2018
I woke up this morning and I cried.
Mom, my dream was terrible, you died;
Echoes of mourning subside, tears dry.
Why won’t dying dreams leave my bedside?

This is one of many dying dreams.
Always people I love most, it seems.
Leaving me unraveled at the seams.
The worst is when I hear their screams.

I don’t know why this happens to me.
Could it just be my anxiety?
I’m tired of my mind’s ****** spree.
Please, God, somebody, let me be free.
Feb 2018 · 355
Sifting
ashley lingy Feb 2018
You look at me and
your smile
falters.
It should.

You left us.
I’m left
fuming
in disbelief.

What did you mean when you said
“Love”?
Now you ****** that word with cruel fists,
crushing it beyond recognition.

I glance away.
I’m standing in rubble,
silent.

Maybe I can handle a
S l o w
S t e a d y
D  e  c  a  y,

Can I handle the
sudden,
thoughtless detonation
of my one sanctuary?

Family.

I sift through the debris;
we are lucky.
Everyone survived.
But you should suffer
bitterly
for every bruise and wound
your twisted apologies left behind.

You know what the worst part is?
Every time I
see your face,
hear your name,
remember your embrace,
I miss you.
Terribly.
Feb 2018 · 326
Driving into New Jersey
ashley lingy Feb 2018
WHAT
THE
****
Are you doing?
WHO
Taught you how to drive?
You
****-FACED
SPONGE-BRAINED
DROOLING TODDLER
Get the
****
out of my way,
and wait for
YOUR T-
Oh.
You're letting me go.
....I...
should probably stop honking.
Feb 2018 · 257
Love Long Gone
ashley lingy Feb 2018
We were too young from the start.
And damaged deep early on.
And my muddled, stubborn heart
kept faith in a love long gone.
Seven years dragged on, of course we fell apart.
A love nothing more than a lingering ****.
Feb 2018 · 561
Spill
ashley lingy Feb 2018
One second,
One misstep.
The coffee mug,
full to the brim,
CLATTERS down.
Sweet, creamy bean water
RUSHES across the room.
I groan,
FUUUCK.
I tiptoe around the massive puddle.
Cleaning begins.
Scrub scrub,
spray,
scrub, scrub.
I settle back down.
Annoyed at the smell
of alcoholic lemons.
Feb 2018 · 325
A Curious Power
ashley lingy Feb 2018
My guard was up,
my fists clenched,
so ready to fight you off.
But then,
there was him.
My body alight,
the fog drifts over my mind.
He makes me feel safe,
and oh so alive.
Hello Love,
you rare bird.
I can't resist;
I don't want to.
Jan 2018 · 1.1k
Hey, Can We Talk?
ashley lingy Jan 2018
I really want to say
I hope you're okay.

I see something on your face, a familiar grimace.
I want to tell you, I suffer from mental illness.
And all too well, I can recognize your pain;
I too, have struggled under the overpowering strain;
The suffering caused by a malfunctioning brain.

I see how you've started to avoid and withdraw.
I see enormous stress in the tightness of your jaw.
I see you grasping, desperate for some alleviation,
from this curse of complete anguish and frustration.
I see you like this not because I wish to pry.
In you, I see myself. Allow me to clarify.

I have been where you are, totally lost and alone.
Hiding from friends and family, ignoring my phone.
There were many times I felt held together only by thread.
Eventually I decided that my only option was to be dead.
But there were no lights at the end of any tunnels.
The attempt failed, and I continued my struggles.

Then someone reached out a hand for me,
offering somewhere safe for me to be.
Longing for relief, feeling defeated, I said yes.
And looking at me now, you would never guess,
the darkness that dwelled deep in my head.
Today I'm better, and quite glad I'm not dead.

So, I'm here, should you ever want to talk.
Please, feel free, tell me to go take a walk.

But I swear, my intentions are honest and kind.
I want to help you take back control of your mind.
This is just a hand held out, from me to you.
I urge you to take it, and I'll help you through.

Peer to peer, I'm offering you solace.
If ever you need me, I'll be there, I promise.
Jan 2018 · 3.9k
Brown Eyes
ashley lingy Jan 2018
Occasionally I come across a person with brown eyes,
and I compliment them on those peepers.

More often than not, they laugh and say,
"Oh, they're just brown."
Or
"They're **** colored."
Or
"I wish I had blue/green/hazel eyes."

I want to grab them by the shoulders,
pull them close to me,
look into those eyes and say,
"Your eyes are alluring, deep, and warm."

Eyes the color of delicious coffee,
of which I want to gulp every last drop.
Eyes the color of ancient leather,
the binding of the best books.
Eyes the color of the soft soil,
from which everything good grows.

I say,
"Love your eyes, it's how the rest of us see into your soul."

Brown eyes are my favorite eyes.
Brown eyes make me feel like I am home.
Jan 2018 · 409
Impatience
ashley lingy Jan 2018
Today I beg for the sunset,
and for stars to be revealed.

Yet I will not be satisfied.

Tonight, when I see their lovely shimmer,
I will yearn for the sunrise.
Jan 2018 · 512
Eye of the Storm
ashley lingy Jan 2018
I want to hold the back of your head,

and pull your mouth into mine.
I taste you.
I taste you.

Baby, your soothing lips taste of bitter coffee and mint.
Your beard tickles my face.
I smile against your mouth,
I move to the tender hollow of your neck,
and amidst the sweet cosset of my lips,
I whisper,
“We can't stay long.”

Our longing held captive by a relentless hurricane.

Yet, we’ll find our way.

I'll see you soon in the eye of the storm.
Jan 2018 · 876
When the Dam Broke
ashley lingy Jan 2018
You tried to buy my love
All I wanted
Was a rushing river of affection
You, however, sprang a leak of trinkets and ****** movies
For years, I stayed
My heart never knew any different
Cracking everyday, bit by bit
Inevitably, the dam broke
We split

Years later
I found a man
Who offered me that rushing river
And lead me all the way to the ocean
We gaze at the horizon, my hand in his
Before this moment
I thought I was indelibly damaged
I look to this beautiful soul that found me
I let him sweep me away with the tide
Jan 2018 · 337
I Am Alive
ashley lingy Jan 2018
I teeter along a rickety old rope bridge,

high above savage waters.



I stop when I reach the center.



I look down between a gap in the wood planks.



This was a mistake.

I begin to shake.



I gaze behind me.

I see those gnarled, thorny

branches overlaying the foot of this bridge and beyond.



I stare intently at these heaps of thorns,

thinking of the number of times they sliced me,

how much I bled as I made my way here.



I glance down at my collection of cuts and scars.

I close my eyes and breathe deeply.


I am a survivor.



I

   Am

      Alive.



I open my eyes and look ahead.

I see a path, and though it is vast and grueling,

I know it leads to a different place whence I came.

New is good enough.




I hold my breath.

I take my next step.
Jan 2018 · 2.1k
Ruined
ashley lingy Jan 2018
My body burns
My eyes roll to the back of my head
My arms twitch
My legs quake
My head snaps back
My breath is sharp and quivering
My moaning swells
You have ruined me
Despite the absence of your touch
You do this to me
Jan 2018 · 407
By the River
ashley lingy Jan 2018
A line of benches face the water
Each bench bears a name
Each a person departed
I pick my bench carefully
I sit
I gaze at the water
I wonder what this person was like
What else did they leave behind?
Jan 2018 · 408
In the Flesh
ashley lingy Jan 2018
I have yet
To feel your mouth
The curve of your back
The scruff of your beard

I have yet
To see your brown eyes in the sunlight
To see each line in your face
To see your breath fog up in the cold

Soon, I will
Touch you
Taste you

My heart flutters as that day grows closer

I wonder if I will be able to stay standing
When you are finally...
Finally
In the flesh
Right in front of me.
Jan 2018 · 381
Boxes
ashley lingy Jan 2018
I keep mementos of the past in a box
I have enough of the those
Now I have a box for the present
A place to keep your charming smile
A place to keep your mellifluous voice
A place to keep your electric words
I need a box for the future
A place to hold each other
A place to keep our families
A place to keep our friends
A place to keep our bad days
A place to support each other
If all goes according to plan
I will need an enormous box
Our path is daunting
But filling this box of the future
With you
Is a relentless dream I keep in my box of the present
Jan 2018 · 373
pleading
ashley lingy Jan 2018
I look at old pictures of myself

I muse over where you were then

I lean back, imagining your hand in mine

Your breath on my neck


I feel your chest against mine

Our mouths meet

Your tongue grazes my upper lip

I feel our collective breath quicken

A dog barks in the distance

My dog


I blink and observe my surroundings  

I sit on the floor, surrounded by photographs

I remember that you are many miles away

Frustrated tears escape

SLAM

I toss a photo album across the room.

My dog whimpers

I shake my head

"Compose yourself!"

A desperate plea for peace


No such luck

I go back to thinking of only you
Jan 2018 · 290
Advice
ashley lingy Jan 2018
i tell you to jump off a cliff
i tell you to stand in traffic
i give you advice, it's my job

i tell you to drink chlorafil
i tell you to hold your breath until you lie still
i give you advice, it's my job

I tell you to eat all those pills
I tell you to swallow each and every one
i give you advice, it's my job

you say you wish for me to leave

TOO
BAD

i give you advice, it's my job
ashley lingy Jan 2018
what I'm trying to say is

trees grow for us to sit against
dandelions reach from the ground to say hello

look at me

there are songs that need you, ears and all
and signs begging to be seen
letters flow from my lips tangled and twisted
a growling in my gut lurches
urgent and unending

a pause, i skip ahead

i have new lust for life
new lust for myself
my fingers brush the fingers of god

there are few trepidations left in me
i quiver with each of my thoughts
i can't hold back
fear is temporary
fear is an illusion

we brush fingers again
i hope that one day they might entwine

i hope that one day
i can fathom the future

scratch that

i never hope anymore
i simply know
i see what the others cannot
i know truths they cannot

a low howl creeps from somewhere deep in my head
Jan 2018 · 470
Nana
ashley lingy Jan 2018
I see her hands when I close my eyes
long fingers and perfect, natural nails,
delicate veins.

I feel her feather-light grip on my back, as she holds me.
And she says
"My perfect girl"

She looks at me with her sky blues.
She smiles.
Goodbye, I love you.
Jan 2018 · 598
Breathe
ashley lingy Jan 2018
I feel my chest constrict as panic settles in.
"Go home!" I gasp
"Go. Home." I beg
Eventually, she takes off.
My heart is still pounding against my stiff chest.
I breathe in.
10 seconds.
I breathe out.
10 seconds.
And repeat.
And repeat.
And repeat.
Jan 2018 · 5.9k
Sick
ashley lingy Jan 2018
I sit in my basement.
And I watch others live their lives.
I'm not enough.
And my friends are worried.
And my family is worried.
It's happened, I'm sick again.

And then I go somewhere safe.
I feel better one day.
And better the next.
There's bad days too.
But I see tomorrow.
Jan 2018 · 570
My Facade
ashley lingy Jan 2018
You see into the cracks of my facade.
And you are not afraid,
Or disgusted.

You stay
And you kiss each of those cracks
Until each burst open.
Revealing
Me.
And then,
You tell me you love me.

For the first time in my life,
I believe.
I love you.
Jan 2018 · 690
14 items or less
ashley lingy Jan 2018
the sign clearly displayed

the light on

and here we are

you and I

you with 25 items

I with 6

you in front of me

writing a check

if ****** were legal

oh, if only
Jan 2018 · 641
the first rule of a muse
ashley lingy Jan 2018
is to never seek them out

don't fret

they find you

the second rule

is that when they find you

a muse takes

your heart

your time

your vision

the third rule

is that with those parts of you

a muse drives you to the impossible

— The End —