I found you again today.
I was leaving work.
The sun was setting
And there was a
Cool breeze in the air.
The sky was an ocean
Of oranges and grays.
Like the threat of rain
And the warmth of sunshine
Were dancing,
Just wanting to be close.
The locusts sang
The very same song
You told me about years ago.
I sat for just a second,
Taking you in.
I could have lived there.
Your presence so tangible
It seemed silly that anyone
Could think otherwise.
And I thought of you still,
As I put the car in reverse.
Thought of you still
As songs carried the waves
Of sadness to and from my soul.
Thought of you still,
As I wished the tears would just come.
It wasn't long before they did.
A song, so you,
And so far from you,
Was filling my ears.
And the smell of citrus,
Sweet and soft and tragically you,
Was filling my nose.
These tears took me back
To the days in hammocks
And playing in the hose.
To nights returning home
And cuddles on the couch.
To when life was less complicated
And I knew a you
I could want to hold on to.
As I sit now,
No more tears to give,
The locusts still sing
And the sky is still gray.
Birds echo the ache in my heart
But I feel at peace.
A sad lonely peace,
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

You're just sinew and bones
With a dash of soul
But you wreck me.
You're a taste of everything
I can't have
Because my mind runs in circles
And I'm too enthralled
To stop it.
I watch your body move
And your mouth dance
Around words that
Make my knees go weak.
But I only half believe them
Becaue you're on another planet
Far from the island to which I've swam.
And I watch life go by
With my past a broken record
And I tell myself that's
No excuse because we all have them.
So I'm back to wondering
If there's something I'm missing
And if everyone else feels the same way.
But your lips on mine
And my tongue on your chest,
I'm sure crack would be jealous
Because you're just that infectious.
And without any warning at all,
I'm waiting for you to come to me,
Because I'm prideful and weak.
You really scare the **** out of me.

It's funny
Because I stand here
A mass of eyes and ears
And nose and mouth
Observing, learning, and feeling you in.
And I thought it's what I wanted,
I thought you were what I wanted,
Because there's a smile
Painted shimmering on your face.
I met the sadness it's hiding,
Which knows mine like air.
It makes you feel like cake
Hitting the curves of my stomach.
It tastes like the memories that
Planted themselves each year.
But the more I digest,
The more I take in,
The more I know,
Nothing lasts forever.
Because you see,
I've tasted the ****
Of every end of the spectrum
And sipped the sweetness, too.
The only constant seems to be new
And it's a high so high
There are no words for it.
But I'm spiraling down quickly
Because if not this,
What else?
So now I'm gold.
My finger tips,
My lips, my hips, and my throne.
I'm a gold digger
Because these bills
Have to be maintained
While I maintain the feast
Your eyes require.
It makes me wonder
How I'm supposed to be
Because we all just want to feel
But were so scared
Because we're all just
Dishing the hurt we've been dealt.
Maybe in a world
Where time really heald all
We'd be able to meet each other,
Stripped of expectations
And of fear.
Stripped of sadness and lies
And we could just be.
But the price
Of the next high
They've all learned to sell you
Is more than a soul can give.
Or forgive.
Because wounds that were never dressed
Can never heal.
So I'll smile again
And pretend that we're both ok
With giving the type of love
That only money can buy.
That the stories
Of love not existing
Are reason enough
To stifle human nature.
To stifle my nature.
And to cut you off
At the depth of skin.
It's time to make our beds
And lie down our wounded souls
So we can forget for just a minute
That we're all here to grow old.

I'm beginning to fear
That happiness isn't mine.
I feel it when it comes to visit.
I wear it as a cloak,
Billowing and soft,
Tied loosely with a ribbon
Dangling around my neck.
The smooth lines
And Jersey fabric
Are enough to fool
Even my heart,
The harshest critic.
But just as easily,
It slips away.
All I want is to cry it out.
To let the sorrow
And the ache
Evaporate.
To give in.
To take part.
To know happiness for real.
But I always feel so distant.
It never seems to make any sense.
Because I should be so happy.
Because I have so much
To be happy about.
But I feel the shift in music
Like a shift in my chest.
And I've smiled so big
And felt so much love.
But now,
Right in this sadness,
I'm a wafer,
I'm a brittle mess,
And my limbs and
The emotions that move them
Are constant and unkind.
Because fear is real.
And so is loss.
And I can't seem to cope
Without whiskey or kisses,
Without things or satisfaction
That equally break me down.
I want more than anything
To heal.
I want more than anything
To love.
I want more than anything
To let the trained kind words
That are sweeping
Against my soul settle in
Sos I can morph and mend.
But they are outside of me.
They are from the place
That happiness has left.
And where it flies back to.

You're a snake in the reeds
And I'm dead set on you.
You've got me walking upright
With a mind full of nothing
But the taste of your lips
And your precum on my tongue.
Watching your eyes
Roll to the whites.
Watching your chest
Rising and caving
In a fathomless succession.
Your skin is on fire
And so is mine
But it's because you lit me
From within.
And you've cooled me so quickly.
Left absent the cheeks
Your hand would smart.
Left empty the crease between my legs.
Stolen from me the feel
Of your finger, your tongue
Your chest pressed
So closely against mine.
But I want to feel you, still.
Run my hands against you.
Trace the curves of
Your neck, your back, your shoulders
And all the places no one can see.
You flutter through my mind
And you undo me with one
Glance from your ocean eyes.
I'm standing here with legs wide open
But I feel you burrowing deeper.
You scare me and that's rare.
Not really, but it's deeper.
It's bigger and more full.
Because I want to taste you.
But I can't read you.
I can't let you in
Because I want it too badly.
It's an endless mind game
And I think that's part of the allure.
Because you've brought me
To a new world full of
Tides that rush past
And sooth while they scrape.
To a place where obsession
Seems ok.

I'm happy.
I'm so happy.
Because tomorrow
is just what I want...
But what if this,
The beers and the jokes,
what if that's what I really want.
My smile says so but
My eyes betray me every time.
We're so close and so far
and I just need our us here.
How do I face this?
I mean tomorrow too.
I'm scared and lonely
And happy and soaring.
But it's just so incomplete.
And it flows, that feeling.
From the back of my eyes
To that point in my chest.
And I'm faking a smile.
Becaue that's what regretters do.
That stone hard resolution
won't let me change my mind,
even if my resolve is half hearted.
I knew getting close was such a bad idea.
Its so much easier to have no one to miss.
But I will.
All the same.
Because you've burrowed like a tick
and you're leeching the ailments
right from my soul.
US.
I will miss it.
So much.

There is a weight in me,
So heavy in my chest.
Heavy in my lungs and in my smile,
Heavy in my hands and in my head.
It's tied to you,
Weaved into an expanse of
Guitar strings stretching long,
Tethering my heart to your soul.
Every now and then,
A breeze rustles them,
Vibrating the walls,
The ribbed cavern of my chest,
Filling me, taking me over,
With the saddest of songs.
I feel you there, in this sadness.
You swing in a hammock
Tied between two trees.
They root deep
Among amber grasses
Which meet the sea.
And the clouds,
They billow like smoke,
Grey and sullen,
A beautiful muse.
Your pensive stare,
My most ardent inheritance,
A tattoo on your face.
There seems to be peace.
Your kind of peace.
Sitting and thinking,
Changing the world with a thought.
Sometimes I run to you,
The tiniest head of bouncy curls,
To join you,
Watching the waves.
You don't look or stir,
Just place a hand
On my shoulder.
You lay, swaying in the wind,
I stand, eyes glassy beads,
Us, both, with furrowed brows,
Feeling that nameless emotion.
I want to keep you here.
This is the youest you I know.
But I can't stay.
Because life is at my door.
And we're of different worlds, now.
So I just box you up,
Like Pandora,
And hold you there,
Until a night comes,
When another breeze
Will rattle me here.
Goodbye.

****.
*****.
****.
Easy.
Trash.
*****.
A rose by any other name
Would be just as sweet.

Maybe this will be it.
It should really be it.
Because I can't keep waiting
For you to walk away.
I can't keep walking
On eggshells.
You can be mean.
And do things I ask you not to.
But heaven forbid I fall short.
I can't keep crying over you.
I wish I didn't care.
Because you're not the one
I should care for.
Because this anxiety
Is a real *****.
It breaks my armor down
A little more every time.
It breaks me down
A little more every time.
And the tears ******* hurt.
They hurt like
When I shut everything out.
Maybe you just want to fight.
Maybe you just want to be angry.
I'm trying so hard to help you.
But maybe I can't.
Maybe I just need to accept that.
I don't want to walk away.
I'm scared I won't feel
Anything so deeply again.
And I'm really grateful
For all that you've done.
But I can't keep doing this.
Because I want to be happy.
I want to love.
And I was hoping
I could love you.
But you won't let me.
So I hope this is it.
I really hope this is it.