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Apr 12 · 109
M
A Apr 12
M
Thank you for always making me laugh
Apr 7 · 247
M
A Apr 7
M
soft cheeks
radiant smile
a love unlike any i've ever known
Jan 22 · 115
Miranda
A Jan 22
You are my sun
my light
my greatest adventure
May 2019 · 91
Love is
A May 2019
chacos
messy bun
brown hair
brown eyes
baking a pie
holding hands in the grocery aisles
contagious laughter
an amazing actor
the kindest smile
the warmest cuddles
playing the bass
kissing my face
reading hallmark cards
petting her dogs in the yard
giving me an encouraging squeeze on my arm
to be continued
Jun 2018 · 426
marriage
A Jun 2018
the thought of that white dress
with laughter and love surrounding me
used to give me a feeling inside similar to that of
laying atop of a warm fitted sheet
covered with a freshly tumbled comforter
pulled from the dryer just for me

but now it just feels like
crawling between cold sheets
dark and alone
i fall asleep
I don't believe in happy endings anymore. I don't think I'm fit for that life
May 2018 · 210
Untitled
May 2018 · 298
bullet point
A May 2018
I think there's something broken deep inside of me
In a dark and unreachable place
May 2018 · 239
Addiction
A May 2018
Why is it that I hold onto the habits that hurt me the most?
A May 2018
they say that you should stop to let yourself breathe
that you shouldn't constantly be throwing yourself from task to task
not even stopping to eat without finding something to occupy my mind- TV, video games, music blasting in my ear.
I keep my body moving and my mind stimulated so the things deep in my mind don't have time to surface.

they say you need to step back and take a breath
and let yourself think. let yourself feel
but when i try.
when i finally allow myself remember
when i finally let myself reflect
"stepping back to take a breath"
is nothing but pain in my chest
Apr 2018 · 178
A fustrating feeling
A Apr 2018
when you don't want to lay around and
do nothing
but there's nothing you
want to do
badly enough
to get you out of the **** bed
Apr 2018 · 1.5k
TV as suicide prevention
A Apr 2018
"You don't want to look back at your life and realize that you wasted it in front of a screen, do you?"

That's what they say.

And to them, I'd say
There are times that I feel everything around me is crumbling.
That I'm crumbling,
That my mind is turning against me.

As much as I try to fight it
I can't help the crippling depression and anxiety
that comes from seeing
a raincloud in the distance
Or sometimes, for no reason at all.

I can't control how the depression festers,
the intrusive thoughts that tell me
everyone would be be better off
if I wasn't around,
that there's a way to assure
that I'll never be caught in the rain again

I cannot count how many times I've turned to substance abuse to stop the thoughts.
I cannot count how many times the substance has worsened my condition,
Made me paranoid, Afraid of myself,
afraid of what will become of me
if i allow myself to stay

I cannot count how many moments I've had where I shoveled mountains of food into my mouth during a binge because I wasn't sure what to do with my hands.
I cannot count how many times I've punched a wall or slung everything off my desk because I needed to act impulsively in a way that would harm only myself.
I cannot count how many times I have thought of ending my own life.
I think about it every day.
More than once a day.

Sometimes I get so bad off that I can't do anything at all.
I know I can't die
my desk is already empty, i don't have the strength to throw a punch
The thought of food makes me want to *****

Those really bad times are when I turn to
my favorite TV shows for comfort

Watching a good series is like
getting ****** into a different world,
escaping from reality, all while
Being gently reminded that
there is good in this world.
that there are reasons to stay
Even if the only thing keeping me there in that moment
is the cliff hanger that was left for me at the end of the episode

If the distraction of the plot alone wasn't enough already,
the characters teach me

Katara teaches how to stand up for what you believe in and to never lose hope
Zuko teaches that you can shape your own destiny, and do what is right.
Toph teaches that you should never let another person define your abilities

Jim and Pam taught me that love doesn't always have to die as you grow older
Dwight and Angela gave me hope that things can work out in the end, even if the road is rough

Amethyst teaches that you should be comfortable with your body and its abilities
Garnet taught me to never be sorry for being who I am
Pearl taught me that it is possible to move on from losing someone you were in love with
Steven taught me that you should always stand up for what is good

Leela showed me that women can kick some SERIOUS ***, and that we should be proud of it.
Fry showed me that home is defined by being surrounded by people you love

Rick taught me that in the grand scheme of things, a lot of the things i blow up in my head are very very trivial, and that i should focus on more important things... like science!

Lastly, Morty taught me
"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everyone's gonna die, come watch TV"
I've just had a rough few days and leaned on watching TV to keep me from losing myself. I looked back and realized that many of the hardest times were made easier by shows that distract and inspire me. It felt important enough to share
Apr 2018 · 185
Reddit- Shower Thoughts
A Apr 2018
"Every relationship is a language, and when you break up, you cannot speak it with anyone anymore."
posted by user red_panda_advocate

i thought it was touching and decided to share
Apr 2018 · 100
what
A Apr 2018
what are you to do
when you're walking down a hall
gray walls, gray floor, gray ceiling
no texture at all

the hall is long
like one of those assignments they make you do
in your highschool art class
where you draw two lines
that start with some distance between them
but as you drag your pencil across the paper
you angle the lines inward towards one another
maybe to create a road or
a hallway with checkered floors
and doors that you never angle quite right

but my hallway
is just... gray
and drawn out, it seems that the hall never stops
all i can think
all i can feel right now
is that i'll drag my feet step by step
through this bland bland hallway
and when i reach the end of the drawing
the illusion that it continues
i'll just leap off the paper
Apr 2018 · 152
red knuckles
A Apr 2018
im so alone
i am so
alone
Apr 2018 · 119
Confession
A Apr 2018
In the past, when the present would become too heavy
I'd throw myself into the idea of a distant future
That future was bright and hopeful
Because I always pictured being loved by someone else
In a home decorated to fit our taste
With little plants that'd never go unwatered
And a kitchen where I'd make all my favorite foods

But most importantly, in my little future, I was happy because someone loved me and was there to pick up the pieces when I fell apart.
And maybe that's why I'm so unhappy right now
Not because no one loves me
Because even in my fantasies, in the most sunshiny and optimistic crooks of my brain, my happiness was still dependent on the romantic love of another person

How is it that I've become this way?
That I place my self worth in how other people perceive me?
Worst of all, I'm picky about who determines my worth

I don't want love handed out to me, no no
Because I don't trust it! I don't trust that someone could love me
without a struggle after knowing me and seeing me for who I am
So when someone does love me, I question it constantly
I get angry with myself
and that's no way to live.

How am I to allow myself to be loved without restraint if I can't even love myself?

So now, my safe haven will be
Bright and hopeful,
An apartment decorated to fit my taste...
and the taste of four other girls, with whom I'll be living
Fake plants because none of us are mature enough to keep a real one alive, and that's okay right now
A kitchen where I'll cook easy meals because I'm young and have **** to do
Most importantly,

In this future, I will be loved.
Because I am going to learn to love myself.
gotta turn this around. full 180, lets go
Apr 2018 · 112
04/01
A Apr 2018
Please god make it stop
Mar 2018 · 130
Dorm
A Mar 2018
One day I will walk out of that door
and never walk back in
Mar 2018 · 318
Socks
A Mar 2018
Depression is Skipping meals because it's easier to be hungry than it is to get myself out of bed

Depression is Sitting on the floor and desperately trying to talk myself into putting socks on...
Because putting socks on would require wiggling up the bottom of my skinny jeans, putting the socks on my feet, and then carefully pulling the jeans back over my socks without messing them up (you know the feeling I'm talking about)

Depression is struggling with the socks because I know once that part is over, I'll have to put shoes on- the converse match my outfit.
But I've got a wide foot, and I can take converse off without untying them, but I HAVE to untie them to put them back on.
So I have to untie these shoes,
And the RETIE THEM. It's a lot. It feels like so much.
I know it shouldn't.
It's putting on shoes.

But wait, there's more!

Once the shoes are on, I've got to pack my book bag, Which first requires taking the stuff out.
Once the stuff is out, I have to put that stuff in its place.
then I've got to put more stuff in the bag,
I have to put the bag on
Walk out the door,
Eat.
Class.
Rehearsal.
Drive
Park
Walk to my building
Up the stairs
in the room.

Take the shoes off
Change,
Lay in bed

Know that I could've been in bed all day
Try to celebrate what little I did
Fail.

Toss and turn knowing I should've done more.
Fall asleep feeling alone, wondering why I'm never satisfied.

Wake up.
Meds.
Socks?...-
Realize it barely changes

Because

I'm sitting here typing this at 3:53 pm
When I should be
Putting.
My.
*******.
Socks.
On.
Mar 2018 · 96
Untitled
A Mar 2018
there are so many wedges in my time line
i hate that i'll just be another wedge in yours
inspired by a carrie hope fletcher video
Mar 2018 · 91
Untitled
A Mar 2018
they're happy to see me
and I just feel guilty
Mar 2018 · 155
AJJ
A Mar 2018
AJJ
"You can hope it gets better
you can follow your dreams
But hope is for presidents
And dreams are for people
who are sleeping"
A Mar 2018
"I didn't want him to feel bad about this. I wanted him to see the obvious, that it's okay for him to let me go. He's been through so much, and he's finally through it. He needs to not have me around to worry about anymore. He needs me to free him to be brilliant" (Garth 5).
Mar 2018 · 103
Untitled
A Mar 2018
I want to laugh
Mar 2018 · 179
gross
A Mar 2018
i want to squeeze my brain like a pimple
until it pops
and my mental illness spurts out
like ****
onto my ceiling
Mar 2018 · 133
Home
A Mar 2018
Nothing is left untouched
It all leads me back to the same
Terrible terrible place
Mar 2018 · 646
Morty
A Mar 2018
"You don't miss me, you just missed the person that loved you so much you didn't have to love them back"
this line got me
Mar 2018 · 137
Chromatic Alterations
A Mar 2018
It doesn't come easy
Or without any pain,
A struggle,
Wanting to give up

You have to push through
until the end
Feb 2018 · 164
Homestretch
A Feb 2018
They say that when you're running, locking your eyes on a distant object makes it easier to push through until the end.

That far away object holds no real power over you. It can't heal your aching muscles or replenish your lungs of much needed oxygen. It somehow just... makes it easier.

Maybe that object is where you've decided you want to end your run next week; and maybe you've already got your next object picked out. This is good. This is ideal.

Maybe the object is your bottle of water, sitting on the ground at the end of your driveway, and maybe you're only trying this hard because you're driven by thirst. This is not ideal. But creating motivation may be a step in the right direction.

Maybe the object is of no significance and maybe you're only looking because without that object... without something to cling on to... you may not make it to the end. Quitting is not an option. This is the best you're doing given the circumstances. These circumstances are not ideal. But what you're doing is good. You will not stop.

Regardless of the motivation, or lack of motivation
You lock on.
You cling to it.
You Don't. Stop. Running.
Feb 2018 · 131
Untitled
A Feb 2018
I don't know if this makes me weak or strong

Or selfish or selfless

I don't know if I'm right or wrong
Feb 2018 · 101
down down down
A Feb 2018
I'm so tired
the solutions are laid out in front of me
so easily obtainable
yet i'm filled with uncertainty

I can't seem to grasp it
such simple concepts
go to class, don't eat like crap
put the drink down, stop smoking grass

go to the gym three times a week
and treat your body kindly
oh but you shouldn't go if you're there
with a mentality that's unhealthy

Spend time with friends
don't you dare let yourself isolate
ignore the empty feeling in your chest
struggle to play along and relate

maybe sit on that familiar ole' bench
learn a new song on piano!
hear yourself out of tune
belting out your sorrows

slam your fingers on the keys
try to drown out the voices in your head
screaming at you to ******* give it up already
because what you're saying is better left unsaid.

cover the keys, push in the bench
storm out of the beige colored building
clench your fists, try to stop the tears
hope to god that no one is watching

walk back to your tiny room
pace back and forth
you can make it go away for now
but that'll only make it worse

wonder what the **** is wrong
and why you can't seem to cope
think of the things you used to love
that now you're broken with no hope

lay in bed, feel like ****
know you'll do it all again tomorrow
push back thoughts of the "one step solution"
that would only cause my loved ones problems

fall asleep late, wake up early
make that daily morning decision
will you lay in bed and mope around
or face this day with optimism

get up, take your meds
climb up to the top of the mountain
struggle to survive the inevitable fall
your depression sends you tumbling

down
            down
                          down

boom crash
you've hit the ground.
time to do it all again.
keep your hopes up high
until you find a more permanent solution
Jan 2018 · 134
Bleh- 1:20am
A Jan 2018
If I could, I'd build a little cottage
Splashed with my favorite pastel colors
A kitchen full of all my favorite foods
And a bed with a fluffy comforter

My cottage would stand not near the mountains;
It's walls untouched by the gentle ocean breeze
The silence is deafening without the song the Louisiana crickets' sing

my home would live in a moment in time,
Far far away from this place
I'd shut the door and close the blinds
Clasp my hands begging to stay

Don't make me go back
The present is rarely enough
Every day just going through the motions
Knowing there are things I can't overcome




Each moment becomes a memory
And memories can be made to be perfect  
I can build a home in the best of times
and hope later for forgiveness
Jan 2018 · 123
8
A Jan 2018
8
The smaller your world the more miserable you become
Jan 2018 · 121
Reoccurring dream
A Jan 2018
My hands grip the wheel tightly
Complete sobriety
My eyes are on the road
Yet I have no control of the vehicle
I swerve and wreck into building after building.
The buildings sustain no damage.
I hit and bounce off, into the next structure
Over and over
I resist out of fear but I can't put my foot on the brake
The water is approaching
Nothing stops me from plunging in,
My car sinking with me trapped inside
My only thought being that everyone's going to be so mad at me
Hm
Jan 2018 · 222
4
A Jan 2018
4
Evening
Music
Laughter
Grass between my toes

precious moments
Fleeting

I never knew I'd miss you so
Jan 2018 · 132
Hamilton
A Jan 2018
Lord show me how to say no to this; I don't know how to say no to this
Jan 2018 · 123
Death
A Jan 2018
I imagine it would be like the silence after you turn off the music
Jan 2018 · 116
)
A Jan 2018
)
my brain feels like unsalted scrambled eggs
Jan 2018 · 112
-
A Jan 2018
-
It's like having boulders tied to your ankles
a voice constantly telling you that you're not strong enough
That going the distance won't even be worth it in the end
Jan 2018 · 106
Untitled
A Jan 2018
Please
Dec 2017 · 199
A clear night
A Dec 2017
Take a breath and count the stars
Let the world go round without you
"Sing along"
Dec 2017 · 174
Merry Crisis
A Dec 2017
My empathy is making me sick but
What he's screaming at her is true...
It's hurtful. Mean.
But true.
I hate myself for agreeing,
I hate him for saying it.

I'm being pushed and pulled
Not sure how to feel.
What's right?
What's wrong?
How am I supposed to deal?

"I feel like I shouldn't even be breathing around here" she says

I always knew I was like her
Me too
Dec 2017 · 137
20tc
A Dec 2017
It'd be easier to just float away
Dec 2017 · 177
Maybe
A Dec 2017
Maybe I'm tired of the game
Of coming up short of the rules, of the shame
And maybe you feel that way too
I see me in you

A girl full of anger and hope
A girl with a mother who just couldn't cope
A girl who felt caught
And thought no one could see,
But maybe one day she'll be free
N2n
Dec 2017 · 139
•O= |
A Dec 2017
One becomes four
Four becomes one,
Then one on one,
One on air
One on one...
on one.. on one

Won't be long till one becomes nothing
Dec 2017 · 567
With cream and half a sugar
A Dec 2017
Two cups of coffee and suddenly the answers are all clear to me
Nov 2017 · 133
mom
A Nov 2017
mom
You tell a funny story from my childhood
Your eyes light up
Your smile is genuine
I can feel the warmth radiating off of you
Like I had when I was a baby, and I would fall asleep on your chest, only when I could feel your breath against my head.
Like the fireplace in the living room of my old home, cozy and familiar.
You recall every detail.
For a moment, we live in this memory.
For a moment, you are here.
Nov 2017 · 132
Things
A Nov 2017
I could free myself
Of ALL the
...
Things
Nov 2017 · 139
Deh
A Nov 2017
Deh
When you're falling in a forest and nobody's around

It doesn't crash
Or even make a sound
Nov 2017 · 115
Self control
A Nov 2017
"I have a gun just like the one used to **** John Lennon"

The gun was handed over to me

I held the small unloaded revolver in my right hand, my index finger caressing the trigger as my other fingers tightly gripped the handle.

Pinched between my left thumb and index finger was a single bullet.
imagined how large hole in my temple could be.
I slid the bullet into place.


Pause


Dumped the bullet back into my hand.
Placed gun down
Shook off the thought of suicide

Turned to my brother

"No wonder it always took so long to reload on call of duty hahaha"

Causal.
A Nov 2017
as I lay in bed at night, the thought of a tomorrow never fails at making me want to end it all now while it's still dark,
while there is no one here to tell me no or talk me down.

Tomorrow
And the next day
And the next day

It's all just pain in my chest.
Blah
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