Not home, not yet.
I made a fool of myself
So you could pretend to be a child again
This, I decided, was sticky.
I looked inside myself and found a stranger
I was unaware of the face
staring at me in the mirror.
I think I hate him.
You just have worked some kind of magic.
Something is majorly wrong with this picture
Because the things worth holding onto,
Wouldn't have let go.
No one knows where words come from
But my lips broke.
In high school,
It's all just fun and games
Of who has better aim
And who can get the knife
deeper in your back.
I want to know
Trust me, I do
I want to tell you that he broke my heart
I want to tell you that it's worse than before
I need to let you know that I don't believe in love anymore
I wanna cry out that I'm not okay
I'm not sick because it's cold outside,
I'm sick because I've been crying myself to sleep for weeks
I have no one left for me
But mom, I don't want you to worry.
The word feels foreign on my tongue
Actions make me run and hide
As if no one could ever love someone
As hideous and ***** as me
That's what you want me to believe
That no one will ever love me for the way I am.
So you sit there and whisper in my ear
It's okay, he can touch you like that, this isn't wrong
But it is
He should treat me better.
For a while,
I told myself that I would figure you out
I would understand why you are the way that you are
I would fix you
But it was never that simple
Sometimes, people hurt people just to hurt them
As if they find pleasure in it
You loved to watch me squirm under your knife.
I always thought you loved me
But now the fog has cleared
And I see that it was lust.
I counted the number of times
you weren't there for me
in tally marks on my wrist.
The Stars get tired of hanging.
The Moon doesn't want to rise each night just to fall again.
The Sun gets sad sometimes and doesn't want to shine.
I think there's a place that exists where most of us want to be.
A different universe.
Where imagination runs wild.
You can be you.
Everything could be perfect.
And that destroys your image of reality.
I fight myself awake every morning,
dragging my lifeless body out of bed
because I am so tired of trying
to deal with the reality that you're gone.
And you're not coming back.