i get through times
that i honestly
don’t want to
i dream of days
that are far away
hoping
i’ll eventually
get
to you

but my efforts
are worthless
completely pointless,
really

i know
how
and when
and why
people love me

it never lasts
i’m a fleeting feeling
used
and abused
and only out here
to soften the numbness
to create the false illusion
of something
that will
never
truly
exist
i’m so often
and easily
missed
for things i can never
actually be
sorry.
i’m just me

words are nice
they can create
a facade,
a cozy home
for false feelings
to fester
and mess up
our heads

my life isn’t real
where the ****
are my meds?

i am trying
to exist
but to exit
sounds much cooler
which way is out?
i see the emergency exit
but i’m trying so hard
not to sound the alarm
in my poor attempt
not to take it
oh, my smile?
it’s fine
i mostly fake it

no one seems to know
even though
i’m not
a great liar
but i’m a decent actress
and i can pretend my way
through this mess
in a way
that
only those
who pay attention
will notice

which way is up?
i could try to tell you
but it would only be a guess

you are too good
and too bad
to be true
wouldn’t life just be
a lovely fantasy
with you?

often seen as
an outsider

a burning
ball of
fury

rough around
the edges
like
a
serrated knife
in need of
a good
sharpening
but always
putting up
a fight

inside
deep
deeeeep
inside
lies
and hides
a
squishy
lil’ gummy
that doesn’t
want to be seen
in the light
it wants
to remain
hidden
in the depths
of
what’s left
of
my
mind
the little voice
that whispers
“we’re gonna be fine”
fades away
a little more each day
and i
can barely hear it
anymore
i can barely
feel
the sun
shine
even though
it invades my eyes
and tries
so hard
to make me
go
blind

but there’s
no escaping
thought
there’s
no escaping
time

no place
to hide
from
my memories
my nightmares,
no
escaping
these
i can hold
my breath
and count to three
but i’ll still
wake up
and
be stuck
as
“me”

Arlo Disarray©

Is it too early for me to start drinking?
It helps with the thoughts that I'm constantly thinking
And yes, I am sure my liver's aching
But without the numbing power, my heart is always breaking

Scotch is the one thing that I know
Beer is a second if the whiskey doesn't flow
My dad was an alcoholic, too
I hope that you're proud now, I'm always like you

My brain's on vacation from thought
It sits in my skull, and I just let it rot
I've lost all my hope for today
I crumpled it up and I threw it away

The ***** is the one thing I crave
It saves me from dullness and being enslaved
I just got burned with my cigarette
I should want to quit, but I so quickly forget

The shape of my face
is a heart,

almond eyes
of bluest skies
And hair as golden as the sun
My ******* are large
and round,
my waist small
Hips are wide,
and legs strong
Heads turn when I walk by
Smiles light up in my presence

But my heart is black as night,
soul shattered like broken glass
With little pieces that reflect
the hate inside my chest
My intestines twist
and slither like snakes,
as lies form inside my mind
and leave my tongue

So am I beautiful?

Not a chance

I've lost thirty pounds in two months from hardly eating
I replace most meals with cigarettes and ****
I'm surprised that my heart hasn't yet stopped beating
But I guess the smoke is all I need to feed

I cut off all of my hair cuz I went crazy
I shaved part of my head as therapy
Or perhaps I chopped it off because I'm lazy
And dealing with hair was too much work for me

I tossed my kindness all right out the window
Cuz getting stepped on left me in the dirt
I took all my emotions and I let go
Because I was so sick of being hurt

I buried all my smiles in my backyard
When I said goodbye to my closest friends
When every person left me, life got too hard
And that was when my sweet side saw its end

Everyone I care about lives a million miles away
And I'm so empty I don't breathe at all
I grow further from society every painful day
My hope shatters like a porcelain doll

He said "Baby, I really want to put it in your ***."
She said "Okay, but I have terribly bad gas."
So he stuck it in when suddenly he heard a sonic boom
As he was quickly shot out of her *** across the room

I keep stumbling over fallen bits of the moon on the sidewalk, tonight
Taking away from its fullness and capability of reflecting day old sunlight
The sun is too angry for my liking and it takes away from my happiness

The bark from the trees is falling off to spell out my direction
And every leaf has blown the same way to make sure I follow
Little do they know, I am a leader
And I can't be told what to do

A whispered voice upon the breeze tells me it's sorry,
But the apology lands upon the dirt quite far away from me
I doubt I heard that properly
But I have a decent enough imagination to fill in the blanks

.

i just want to live,

find myself,

and be loved

even if it’s just
little bits
of fleeting love
from passersby,
and then i want to die
while
i’m still loved

and before
the visitors
that
love me
realize how
****** up
i really am

.
.
.
.
          sometimes
          

                your weirdness


                          mashes
     

             ­                     with
     

                                      someone
                   

                                   e­lse's
                              

                           ­    weirdness
                        

                            j­ust right
                                        

                 ­                        and then


                         there



                              is




                   ­                     l
                                          ­o
                                        v
                     ­                      e

This year has been a crazy mix of wonderful and horrible events. The two that affected me the most were life and death.

Obviously, the hardest thing I've had to deal with this year (or in my entire life) was the suicide of my father. It took everything out of me, and I'm slowly trying to get back to a good place mentally/emotionally.

And the greatest event this year was, of course, the birth of my beautiful niece, Naomi. She's the light of my life and I can do nothing but smile when I'm around her sweet, little face.

Crazy what kinds of things can happen to one person in a year's time. And because those two things were so huge to me, I can't remember much of the in between.
Mainly this year, I just worked really hard and toward the end I've managed to make a few new friends, reconnect with some old ones, and say goodbye to some duds.  
I got to see some of my favorite bands play,
(including built to spill TWO nights in a row in two different cities. That was rad as ****)

I got lost driving around in the middle of the night by myself and had a scary time trying to get home.

I wrote over 800 poems about love, hate, life, death, and just about everything between.

So much happened...

I laughed, I cried. I ate, I farted. Now, let's see what kind of craziness 2016 will bring to me.

My anger is a monster that devours my kindness
It rips my heart to shreds and fills me with blindness
The monster inside me defeats all my love
Until anger and hate are all I think of

I'm exhausted from this war I'm fighting,
Always sad, always writing
Nothing new, or exciting

Just turn it off, and hit the switch
I'm done with life, and all of this
I'm just a hateful, bitter *****
Who's only filled with emptiness

This monster I have created must die
Smash it dead
just like a fly
Make it suffer,
Make it cry
**** my anger
Say goodbye

will you give it a rest?

i keep ignoring you
and trying to make it clear
i'm unimpressed

but you keep running
your tired lungs
out of breath

i'm not sure
how you've got
any wind
in
you
left

i'm not even
worried

i'm just bored

you keep coming back
no matter
how many times
you're ignored

and i've gotta
hand it to ya
you really persist

there doesn't seem
to be
a life event
that you've missed

i'm not ******
i'm not scared
hell, i'm not even sad

you're a dumb,
lonely man
how could i
even
be mad?

it's too bad

that you waste
so much
**** time

i can't reach
half an inch
i'm not worth
half a dime

get in line
if you think you can
help change my mind
that you can save
my sweet heart
that you can
help me rewind

i'm confined
to the guilt
i've tried
to leave behind
but there's no going back
i can't
dry erase
my mind

no matter how much
i scrub
and bleach
and try to wipe it clean
i'm left with
a black smudge
on my brain
and a nightmare
in my dreams

An Indian once told me that only love can cure my insane mind.

time terminally ticks and tocks
as it slowly envelops my days lived
taking them away and turning them
into nothing

and whilst the days disappear
and months blend into years
we are endlessly struggling
to make time move even more slowly
so that we may live on
and history will never be made from
our battle scars

we can become one with time
by setting aside our fear
of death
and embracing the developments
that come with time and age

everything is numbers

we are surrounded
by numerals
that decide our every move
they decide our fate

while history and time
work side by side
to destroy our lives
and we all eventually die

so time will be waiting
for us all
on the sidelines
waving a sign that states:
"I've been expecting you"

Another night I lie awake, a blank mind dwells on past mistakes. Try not to think of what has passed, of times when I had moved too fast...

Another dream I can't awaken, could it be real, am I mistaken? I wish that my dreams could all come true, because in them I am with you.

Another heart that's set to break, it sits and waits for my mistake. But I am smart and stand my ground. I've fixed and turned my life around.

Another tear falls down my cheek, as I feel alone, cold, and weak. I wait alone inside the walls as they close in and crush it all.

Another day, see what time brings. I am the song that no one sings. Sit in the dark, one last light, living each day in black and white.

Another reflection sees through me, the part that no one else can see. It turns from truth to ugly lies, I dot my Ts and cross my eyes.

Another wound I cut too deep, this is a secret you must keep. Another scar to prove the past, to show the first cut til the last.

Another tongue tastes bitter sweet; my empty, broken heart won't beat. The screeching deep within the walls, nothing below to break my fall.

Another gasp of breath for air, again sweet dream turned to nightmare. I try too soon, I try too late. Put on this Earth, accept my fate.

Another lie comes from my mouth, although the truth tried to sneak out. My eyes are wet, my tongue is dry. Lie in this bed until I die.

Another drop bleeds through my tears, I'm too afraid to face my fears. The voices stutter and distort, but never clearly speak a word.

Another voice has much to say, it falls to dust so cold and grey. The words scramble and try to stay, but quickly are all blown away.

Another new day has begun, my head spins and my heart is numb. I know the pain is just too much, but I won't give in and won't give up.

Another torment is my fault, hitting my head against the walls. Try to forget what's behind me, but something keeps reminding me.

Another cry of shouting pain, one final time I'll scream your name. It's time to let the secrets free, let them all know what's wrong with me.

Another day, another night. It's my last chance to set things right. I'm giving in, I'm giving up. I just didn't try quite hard enough.

Another chance, the last one now, try so hard to figure me out. They just don't see what they can't see. They'll never know what's wrong with me.

jupiter has been longing for our skeletons,
ever since we took our bones to saturn
when we wrought our bodies into the shape of the moon
waiting in darkness for the sun's return

all the fires burning beyond the blankets of space
have carried our breaths to a far away place
though our lips never spoke any words face to face
all the planets aligned in the black, cold embrace

the vacant sky we swim inside is nothing but antimatter
so i guess nothing matters here

I wear my words stapled to my forehead
As a sign to warn you what's inside my mind
And if you keep digging into my withered brain
I'm sure there are many nasty things you'll find

I keep all my darkest secrets in my pockets
I carry all sorts of diseases in my brain
And when you listen to the whispers of the wind blow
You'll hear it say "Everyone deserves a little pain. And everyone is just a little bit insane."

As I walk, I leave my footprints in the sidewalk
From how heavily I stomp within my rage
Merely trying to make it back to my house now
So I can put all my aggression on the page

Little ants get trapped in my holes created
And I set them on fire with my burning eyes
Finally, the ground splits open and I'm ****** in
Simply waiting until all of my blood dries

My head fills up with thoughts
And my brain still tries to swim
But it's ******* into knots
As my head's filled to the brim

I then pop open my skull
So that I can free my brain
But the thoughts keep my head full
And it's driving me insane

I stretch my brain like bubble gum
And roll it up into a ball
But it makes my body numb
And it's just no fun at all

I try to shape it back in place
So I can set my thoughts all straight
But I don't have anymore space
My thoughts have filled it all too great

My poor mind is so worn out
But I've no time to let it rest
I've too much angst and too much doubt
And a great void of happiness

The room quickly fills up with the sound of my heart as it pounds
The walls vibrate and recreate the noise within the top of my ribcage
The notes of an all too familiar song resonate within my bones
The wheezing becomes my words

My fingers are constantly tapping, but I'm not sure what it is I'm waiting for
I'm always on the edge of my seat,
anticipating nothing
something.
everything.

I can feel my eyelids twitching
Flicking quickly against my eyeballs
Almost like they're playing some sort of game I must just be unfamiliar with

The way my thoughts come in reminds me of a second grade class being let out for recess
I always hope they'll line up nicely, and neatly
Politely
But instead, it's always quite a disaster
They're running, trampling all over each other
Screaming "Me first! Me first!"
"No, me! No, me!!"
There's no order
Just noise
And way too much movement

Anxiety chomps and chews on what's left of my existence

And only time will tell
if I'll come out of this alive

I'm afraid of everything
everything that's important
of love
of responsibility
of commitment

I keep biting at my thumbs
and around the edges of my nails
Constantly tapping my toes
and I always hear a song playing in my head
that I've never actually heard before

There are constant bouts of doubt
gently resting in my head
Waiting for an opportune time to jump out and scare the pants off of me

I know what's in my head
isn't what everyone sees
But I'm persistently afraid
of what everyone else will think

I never really sleep,
and when I do,
I barely dream
Just the same worn out thoughts
streaming through my brain
again
and again

It's never enough
but somehow,
it's always too much

And I'm just not sure where one thought ends
and another begins

anxiety punctures holes into my lungs, and i can't breathe anymore
my death is coming more rapidly with every millisecond of increased speed added to each one of my heartbeats

i can't stop counting
i'm always landing on even numbers
when things are too far spread out, it makes me nervous
i need them all wrapped up into my fingers where i can count them all again and make sure nothing is repeated

the cracks in the sidewalk are too ugly and distracting
they keep my eyes from staring at the clouds and finding reasons to believe i see your face
the path i'm on seems to be getting darker and more narrow
i'm not sure this is the way i was supposed to go, but i like to commit to my decisions

nothing is left of my mind, it's all been shunned and exiled by the rest of my body
it was too much
like poison, it was always trying to **** me
the tricks it played were ***** and unoriginal

now and then, i trip over my words and knock my teeth out on the ground
but it's okay, because my smile was hardly ever around
the sun still burns me when i try to shake her hand and tell her how much respect i have for her
the moon still laughs each time he sees me fail
and the stars have taken sides in all direction
we may never know what the consensus is

the constant vibration of motorcycles roaring by
sends my senses on a scavenger hunt
for the peace and serenity i used to know

the scraping and screeching
of metal on metal,
as it sparks
and pops,
festers so deeply into my mind
that my tweezers aren't enough to pluck it out

i am trapped and suffocated
behind walls built by my own two hands
and i can see the world outside just fine
but everyone seems like they're a million miles away, in my mind

the smoke and smog from the fifty car pile up in my brain has left no survivors
and everything is finally starting to go back to normal
whatever normal even is

The strong
and rugged hands
of anxiety
are wrapping themselves
firmly around my frail heart
and squeezing as hard as they can

breathing.is.difficult.right.now.

I need a hero
who's willing to fight
the villains inside my mind
and save me from myself

Chewing on my bitten fingernails,
as anxiety comes in to visit me
He takes me out for dinner and a movie,
to show me how my life's supposed to be

All the folks around us were frozen in their place,
unaware of what time would bring them next
As anxiety was giving me a tour
and explaining what in life I should expect

Tears were streaming down my face as I noticed
that the world was beautiful when it was still
But when the people of this planet are in motion,
all they ever seem to do is ****

Was I meant to be like everybody else?
Just another blob of flesh with pointless thoughts?
Anxiety shakes my bones, leaving me a mess
And my body just breaks down until it rots

Anxiety eats all my power
It breaks me down into small specks
Spinning my thoughts through each hour
As each idea then disconnects

I bite all my nails down to skin
Hoping to gain some relief
I clench my jaw tightly again
So hard that I crack all my teeth

I feel my brain doing back flips
As it tosses around and it turns
Eating mushrooms to gain short trips
And then coming down to return

Drugs are the one thing that calm me
But prescriptions just ain't my style
So I score them back in an alley
And remain being able to smile

I rip all my hair out by the root
And peel off the top of my head
Hoping I'll be able to reboot
And remember all lost things I've said

I walked down the street
and saw dog ****
glistening in the sun

The glowing stone in space
leaves a shadow on my face
As its front is veiled by a cloud that kinda looks like lace

There's a fork inside the tree
that allows my mind to see
a few more stars than what are out there, but it looks perfect to me

And if the sun came out to shine
I'd tell her all the stars are mine
and if she wants to have them now
she should get back into the line

I've been smacked by waves of blue
and beaten by the beaches too
but I take what I can get so I can make it back to you

Your touch doesn't mean*  
a thing

I still know that I'm
alone

Your
words
rip through my chest

And their
teeth
chew on my heart

I
   don't
           know
           why
       I
   let
        you
               always
                      tear
                           my
                  world
                                 a
        
          p
                
                   a
  
      r
        
                           t

there is this itch
in my brain
constantly trying
to steer me
in the wrong
direction
as i try
to find my way around

there’s a whisper
in my ear
breathing softly
and telling me
what move
to make next
and it’s always
so difficult
to decide when
to listen

how many things
in this life
have i
been missin’?
just because i
thought
i was
being
“good”

i often
live in the clouds

i’m up there
in space
floating above
everything
i try to know
but being
unable
to reach it

i’m always either
too high
or
too low
and there’s so much
that i’ll never know
or touch
there are
countless places
i’ll never go

but i hope
that
at
least
once
you can be
something
real with me
so we can experience
life
and
dreams
and tangle them up
into one
in the same
making up
our own new name
for what it’s like
to be a “person”
in this world

i am often filled
with dread
when the words
begin to stir
like
there’s
a blender
in my head

i feel paralyzed
like everything else
is just getting in my way
and feeling like
nothing in that moment
is more important
than what i’m
desperately
trying to say

and when the lights
flicker
and dim
until they finally go out
my brain
keeps getting zapped
by what i’m
stuck
thinking about

there are little monsters
with pitchforks
jabbing and jamming
into my skull
until they reach
that meat inside
and they fuel
me up
to full
as i’m
feeling
each direction
my mind
is being
pulled

communicating
in a real
and
honest way
is too hard

trying to
*****
and find those
words
i want to say
is like
attempting
to
find
a tiny needle
in the hay

time is a
tricky
little ****

it sneaks up
so fast
and then
stalls
and makes
the most
brutal moments
last

days just disappear
and they are never seen
or lived in again
and sometimes
it’s that fact
that causes
me to envy them

My poems are just words, baby
Arbitrary nothings that I scribble carelessly
And I've given up on everything else around me
So I simply let my art surround me
I need something to soon astound me
Because I'm so terribly bored

Bored
Bored
Bored
I'm bored

And I'm dead

Not a corpse inside a casket
Or a chicken's fetus in an Easter basket

But inside I am nothing but words

Meaningless, arbitrary nothings

And I'd give them all to you if they were worth your time
But you deserve so much better than a measly rhyme

All I have are my words

And they're nothing

A cold night, two sets of eyes
Some smoke, some tunes,
and a real long car ride

Souls glued, overlapping from past versions of ourselves
I know they both got along, too
Just as well as you and I do

A day of celebrating the word goodbye
A night of learning to live my new life
It ended far too soon, and I've wished a few times we could do it all over again

I hope our souls are tied together again the next time we meet
And that we can possibly repeat some feelings from that night
Like when I was concerned about you
because you wouldn't stop tapping your feet

I wanted to get lost so I could keep you with me longer
But you were too awesome of a copilot,
And you made it too easy to take you home

i dream of you
even when i’m awake
fading in
and out
of each day
as they all blend
and blur into one

nothing has been the same
since i first learned your name
and my heart hurts all the time
because i want you so badly
and you’ll never be mine

time stops for me
every now and then
when you pop up
into my life
and give me a reason
to smile again

i don’t want it to end

but it’s not for me
i’m not for it
no, i’m just a pile of ****
and the smiles i wear
always fade away
so quickly

I just lit my *** on fire by sitting on my lighter
Had a spider in my pants, and he was quite a biter
Looked up to the moon, the man inside said "you're no writer!"
I'll prove him wrong by jotting down my thoughts, drinking hard cider

Novocaine can stain my brain, but numbness will not **** me
I'll smoke my smokes and joke my jokes, let them be what they will be
I keep tainting all my paintings with my fingers being skill-free
I'm running from the money and the stunning things that thrill me

My hands are tied in knots and all my thoughts are rather vapid
The feelings work on peeling off my layers, just like acid
But the gravity of tragedy can't make me more attractive
All the tears that show my fears are flowing down my face like rapids

Is there more to living than taking and giving? Are we here to receive?
I'm not sure what kind of mind or mark my body may soon leave
When I am gone, you'll carry on
You'll continue to breathe
I'll be the ash under your trash, don't let your heart deceive

The black air above my head sends me a smile
I smile back
As I think of tea parties
and a Cheshire cat

There is something stronger than tea in my cup
I stumble a bit as I wait for the wind to knock me completely over again
I've grown so thin
I can't eat
I'd rather just drink
and not sleep

I spent my last bit of sense
with my last bit of cents
on two cans of PBR
aka Pabst Blue Ribbon
I paid with some silver change
and a handful of pennies
Dad, are you proud of me now?

I feel you crying every time I take a drink
I'm ending up like you, at least that's what I think
Maybe if you hadn't put a gun in your mouth
I wouldn't be killing myself like this
And both of us would have a chance in this place

the land has begun crumbling into the sea,
being eaten by the waves
and destroyed by the salt

feet dangle over the edge of a cliff
and tap together as mist fills the air and fog spreads above the sand

the sun has decided to take a day off,
and the sky is a smooth and consistent shade of grey

raindrops the size of infants flood the ground
and turn the sand into mush
causing shoes to become buried treasure

seagulls screech their wretched sounds and beg to be fed
they've become fat and dependent
they hardly even fly around, anymore

the shore barely exists, right now
and the water is trying to become the land

You must be the king of thieves
The way you pulled the dreams right out of my soul and held them up to the light, able to see how translucent they truly are

It's like you looked into my eyes and somehow saw all the rigid mountain peaks that are tearing me, inside
The snowy caps pop their way out through the gaps in my teeth
Showing you that there is something less than normal about me

A whole world grows atop my brain and flowers spread across the plain,
over hills and under seas and underneath the pouring rain
But when I try to show you what I've grown, you make it ugly and complain

The complicated metaphors are not enough to express all the stress in this mess tangled around my chest that I call my life

Sometimes the flowery words about sad, singing birds are all that I have and when I try to give them away they always end up being crunched up under feet on the sidewalk

When I try to keep my voice to myself, white light ends up leaking from my eyes and shining in your window to wake you from your sleep, giving you just another reason to be angry with me

I'm trapped in a box with a crank handle on the side, tape over the lid and a note that says "please don't turn the handle"
I guess my song will cease to play, and I'll never get to be myself again

All this time we've spent together shan't be forgotten.
Realistic or not, my love for you stays.
Love can never die if it was meant for us to share.
Only if you let it get away...

Right or wrong, we must see this through.
Useless fights won't help us this time.
Life isn't always fair to you, nor is it to me.
Even when I give you yours and don't take mine.
Still we're forever lost in each other's eyes.

True, love is never perfect; and true, neither am I.
Hate doesn't make love stronger, and neither does insecurity.
Every time I know you're sad, it brings sadness to me.

Why do you always want to tear it apart?
Only to try and mend it again.
Realize if you can, that it breaks my heart.
Love me until the very end.
D**ie with my hand in your hand.

this boat will soon rot
and then i'll scream a lot
the sharks here will eat
all my best tender meat
then those sharks will be fished out and caught

my ghost will wail
as other ships set sail
i'll ***** and haunt
as i tease and i taunt
making them all turn frightened and pale

Maybe this just isn't our right time and place now, dear
Let's walk in opposite directions, and meet back up in a year
Time ain't on my side, but sometimes the distance works
And being all alone in life can sometimes have its perks

But here and now, I'm fed up and I need a break or two
Give me time and space, and maybe then I can love you
Our veins got trapped and tangled, cutting the blood from in our hearts
And as we both turned blue and grey, our bodies then fell apart

If time decides to allow it and we meet back here again
I'll be waiting for you, baby, just around the bend

Playing you a song on a guitar with busted strings
My voice so gruffly screeches and cracks while it sings
And I stop to ask "Are you still even listening?"
As your eardrums bleed out, you just smile and say "It stings."

I paint your image on a canvas with my bluest blood
Fill in some of the blank spaces with the thickest mud
The beauty makes me cry out a pathetic flood
But your reaction to my art tells me that it's a dud

I made a sculpture of your head out of my scabs
Every time I needed blood, I gave myself a few good stabs
Every time I needed more, I'd give myself a few good jabs
But when you see my art you sigh and say "It's just so ******* drab."

I can hear my hair growing
It tingles the inside of my head, and sends vibrations along the lining of my skull
There's a bug in every breath when I'm out in the open world
A scab on every leg
A tear in every eye
A hole in every heart
And I've been counting them all to make sure I end up on an even number

A creature in my mind runs rampant and tries to see what kinda dirt on me he can find
I'm constantly sprinting circles after him, but I always end up losing the race
All the embarrassing things that I do and I say are his doing

But **** it
And *******
And **** him
And yeah, **** her too
**** everybody right now, I lost track of my thoughts
Something about something
Right?
Who cares?
Poetry is stupid and I hate my own words

But I need them
******* addiction
Terrible ties to my tongue and my diction
I accidentally set a fire in my kitchen
From the pen I'm writing with making sparks from all the friction

I can feel my fingernails growing
The gritty texture rubbing slowly underneath my skin
And the dirt collects beneath them faster than I can cut them
I think I need to go wash my hands

I bought a seed from Satan that I was to consume
And when I ate that bulb, a flower was sure to bloom
I waited for it to grow. But, alas, there was no room

The seed the devil gave me wasn't what he said it'd be
Instead of a small flower, I was growing a huge tree
And it was soon going to rip right out of me

The branches were starting soon to pop out my eyes
Sticks and leaves were tearing up the skin on my thighs
The devil's seed was there to bring my demise

I screamed out in horror as twigs pierced me inside
I was torn to shreds til I'd nothing left to hide
The tree just kept on growing until I had died

And now here I lie dormant underneath the roots
Feeding the devil's tree with my guts and thick, red juice
This tree would be too perfect for hanging up a noose

We're all burning
as Mother Earth stops turning
And the sun sees us directly
ashamed of us for never learning

a couple states away,
in the snow dusted hills
lies a possible future
that i never thought i'd see

there are several doors
lined up in front of me
and i'm not quite sure
to which one i hold the key

the map that lines my pocket
is crumpled to a point
where i can't read
and the ink has gotten sweaty
as it slowly starts to bleed

i see a light
through a dark, empty space
and i'm too afraid
of truly finding my place
you can read every word
that i think,
on my face
but there's no answer

decision making has always been
something i have trouble with
i either stand in place
or i sink myself into a hole
never really getting anywhere
simply watching
as i, and everyone around me grow old
i'd forget it was winter if it wasn't so cold

time passes around me, twice
twisting trails around my life
letting everything pass me by
as i live, and as i die

I tried to tear myself apart
but I can't find the words to say
They're lost inside and I'm too shy to ask for guidance through this mess
The masquerade confuses me and leaves me searching for a sign
But there's no answer here, this time
Now everything's a guess

I stained my pillowcase with teardrops falling quickly down my face
Connect the dots to make a picture of what's stuck inside my mind
Erode the path with fallen tears and cries from on top of my roof
Where I can fall and no one hears me
My bones don't make a sound

I rode your smile to the pillar over near the water's edge
And took a dive over the cliff to see if you noticed at all
But all I did was crunch my spine
And move my kneecap to one side
You kept on smiling
and I refused to show my face

The branches snapped and scraped my skin as I came flying down, again
I had to climb that tree to see how far it went
But I show off too much
Just craving a tiny piece
of your attention
The pain can't keep me down
as long as you're still standing

The clouds pass by overhead
as I get stained green from the grass being smashed by my back
Words circle around my brain like little sharks, and each one is waiting to take a bite of me

The sun isn't gone, but I'm so cold
The goose bumps crawl over my skin and tingle like ants
As I grin a bit, and bite my lip
And realize my hand is beginning to slip
And the next thing I know,
my body's shaking
from all the sensations that in my mind, you're making
I get swallowed by this warmth, and suddenly I'm moaning uncontrollably

I see stars, in my mind
I see colors not yet defined
I hear singing
ringing
in my ears
And I just want more
and more
until there's nothing left
and I'm deflated
wearing a sloppy grin across my face

there were
no
dreams
inside
my mind
last night

i floated
on top
of
a blank
black
pillow
of nothingness

there was
no
sound
and
no
light

i got to
experience
that lovely
emptiness
of
death

the sweet
taste
of
no breath

my heart
is already
dead
so
why not
slice
out
all the
thoughts
from
my head?

maybe
we could make
a sandwich
using
the meat
from my brain
and serve
everyone
a lunch
that would
help
make them
feel
insane

we could
give them all
a sample
we could
try to
let them
see

but even
if
they ate
my meats
they
couldn’t be
as
nuts
as me

The storm right outside my window
is begging for the lullabies of my yesteryears
The sounds of raindrops hitting my windshield
surround me in a blanket of fuzzy feelings
as the dripping perfectly sounds out my name
The stormy weather calls out to me
and I'm being pulled into the heart of it
by its rich yet hallow voice

The wood of my guitar is beginning to rot,
my strings are rusting,
and the tones in my voice are too dull to be heard
over the beauty and destructive nature of this weather around me

I just wanted to hear a song in the storm