you always
get
my stomach
in
a twist

making my
innards
clench up
like a
fist

punching their
way
out
from the
inside

climbing up
out
of
my
throat
leaving
my
lips
dried

i'm so tired
of talking
to the dead
in my dreams

having conversations
in my head
with no one,
it seems

licking my
cracked lips
and rubbing them
raw
with my
callused
fingertips

hearing
the skin
as it rips
and falls off
in
little
bits

nothing is ever over
until the world ends

where one thing stops
another begins

and i hate it

i do

it makes me so sick
watching my clock
constantly
waiting for
the final
tick

but nothing ever ends
it just starts again

repeating in my head
making my heart
and brain
spin

it never
ever
ends

it only begins

my lips
fall right off
and my
severed mouth
grins

sometimes
i can't tell
if it's strength
or weakness
that keeps me here

it's something
i ponder
nearly every night
while
i'm trying
to fall asleep

never afraid
of the dark
but terrified
of the light

holding
and gripping
ugly memories
tight

sleep happens
but i never feel
rested

the vessels
in my eyes
fill with blood
as i attempt
to rub the tears
away
and the salt
tears up my skin,
making it pink
and raw

i've attempted
to heal
with pills
and doctors
who ask me
how
i
feel

but how
do you
explain
the unreal?

that your mother
tore your heart out
and stomped
with her heel

and your
father
blew his brains out
without
telling
you
how
bad
he
feels

i'm left
humming tunes
to songs
that don't exist

while
trying to forget
the memories
i missed

doing my best
not to get ******

but, ****

what the hell
am i
even
still doing here?

between
the lump
in my breast
and
all
of the things
about myself
i detest

it's no wonder
i'm always
in a state
of unrest

and why
nowadays
it's so hard
to think
about ***

**** this mess

like my life
didn't
have
enough stress

but now
i'm truly
being
put
to
the
test

i digress,
i
always
feel
pain
in
my
chest

i'm obsessed
with
the feeling
of
being
depressed

and
even
medicated,
i'm still
always
distressed

writing
is the
only way
my thoughts
are expressed

but even
through my pen,
my
pain
manifests

and
there
seems
to
be
no
end
to
the
times­
i've
confessed

i
would
end
it all
now
if
you
voiced
your request

if
only
i
could

decide

what
is
best

sometimes,
i wonder
if
you love me

or if
you just
put up with me
for
convenience sake

pushing away
the
distractions
i make

and ignoring
all the chaos
i create


and i
don't mean
to
be a burden
to you
with all of the
stupid
things
that
i
do

but i'm
so
disconnected,
coming unglued

peeling away
rotted pieces
of myself
and
attaching them
to you

and you
are doing everything right
i'm the one who's
****** up

taking away from
all we are
and telling myself
i'm not
enough

and
it wouldn't be so tough
if i could
just
take
the blame
and grow up

but here's the thing,

i just keep getting worse

no
matter
how
much
i
try

no
matter
how hard
i rehearse

my tongue is swollen
from all the times
i've tried
to tell you
how bad
i really feel

there's part of me
that always thinks
i
can heal

that the misery
i constantly
live
can't be real

but there
doesn't seem
to be a
point to any of it

i have a head
full of nightmares
and a heart
full of dreams

and
none of
this life
is
ever
what
it seems

you can
clearly
smell blood

you're like a shark

sniffing out the weak
looking for a way
to make
your mark

who do you think you're fooling?
mister "nice guy"

with your predatorial ways
preying on the weak
and trying to harpoon
your way
into my heart

as
if
i'll
even
bat
an
eye

i'm afraid
i'm not that sad
i'm not that lonely

writing is a way to
let out
the pain

not something to
bring you closer
to me

i don't want
anyone
close

in fact,
don't come
any closer

all my alarms
are going off

and i
don't think
i
could feel
much grosser

there was
a time when
i craved closeness
but i'm left
feeling
isolated

i have
done this
to myself
because of the
people
that i've
hated

but i'm more hurt
from the love
i've lost
than the love
i've
pushed away

i would trade you
all
so my dad
could live
another day

but he chose to die
and before long,
so might i

because who wants
to live
with
constant
tears
in
your
eyes?

i feel
it's easier
to start
with goodbyes

no,
i never made it
to jupiter
i didn't
even
make it
to mars

i never reached
high enough
to grab the moon
i never got
singed
by any stars

i've traveled
a few thousand miles
yet
have still stood in place

never quite made it
to the sky

never
drew a smile
on my face

these toes
have been
set in tar
never meant
to leave
these feet

never meant
to run too far
set and
stuck
into one street

memory lane
can really
drive
a girl
insane
no matter
how far
i try to go
i'm not
allowed
to leave my brain

even if
i made it to jupiter
even if
i touched
the stars
it wouldn't help me
to forget
it wouldn't minimize
the scars

gravity
don't have ****
on me
and i
couldn't care less
about how much
you care
about me

i'm ******
no matter
which path
i may lead
so what i need
doesn't
really
matter
anyway
does it?

*******
and
****
me

i like to smoke ***
and i like it a lot
they warned me
as a kid
it would make
my brain rot

but it helps take away the pain
whether physical
or in my brain
i can take a ****,
and when i smoke,
i choke away
the strain

i was always told
i'd start feeling old
and end up
with the memory of
a fish
that is gold

but no matter how much
i smoke
no matter
how much
i drink
i'm left with the
memory of an elephant
i just can't forget
i still always think

my past haunts
my present
and will haunt
my future, too
i'm stuck to my
memories
like industrial-strength glue

sticky
with bits of
yesterday
taped to my face
unable to let go
and let new things
take its place

will you give it a rest?

i keep ignoring you
and trying to make it clear
i'm unimpressed

but you keep running
your tired lungs
out of breath

i'm not sure
how you've got
any wind
in
you
left

i'm not even
worried

i'm just bored

you keep coming back
no matter
how many times
you're ignored

and i've gotta
hand it to ya
you really persist

there doesn't seem
to be
a life event
that you've missed

i'm not ******
i'm not scared
hell, i'm not even sad

you're a dumb,
lonely man
how could i
even
be mad?

it's too bad

that you waste
so much
**** time

i can't reach
half an inch
i'm not worth
half a dime

get in line
if you think you can
help change my mind
that you can save
my sweet heart
that you can
help me rewind

i'm confined
to the guilt
i've tried
to leave behind
but there's no going back
i can't
dry erase
my mind

no matter how much
i scrub
and bleach
and try to wipe it clean
i'm left with
a black smudge
on my brain
and a nightmare
in my dreams

for a long time,
writing was all i had

i was swallowed up by words
and little bits of me
i had forgotten about
would be regurgitated
back into reality

most of my talent
has been scrubbed
and washed away
by all my failed attempts
to keep my memories at bay

and i'm left sobbing
with a knife
pressed
against my throat

sweating,
and begging
for the inspiration
of all the previous
words i wrote

but nothing comes out
except the lies
that i choke


every day brings me pain
but i brush it away
lying to myself
and saying tomorrow
will be okay

tomorrow keeps coming
over and
over again
but nothing ever changes
i just keep waiting for the end

twiddling my thumbs
until they're callused,
creating friction
between them


my lungs fill with dust
blown in from
the piles of memories
stacked in the corner
of my brain

i try to unlock
and unravel them
in my dreams
but i keep waking up
more
and more
insane

i can't tell if anything's wrong
or if
it's
just
me

maybe i'm broken

maybe my story
is better left unspoken

death keeps calling my name
and i'm trying to avoid the temptation
of answering

i see them all in my mind
maddy, and daddy, and matt
they're all waving to me
and i'm waving back
there they are,
waiting in the black
telling me that
once i say yes,
there's no turning back

death is dancing on the dirt
that will soon be my grave
and yelling to me that it's okay,
because all my friends are doing it
this way

i wish they had been stronger
and stayed longer
but i know just as well that it's exhausting
to pretend
that you want to be present
when you want it to end

it hurts
to fake a smile
when your eyes
are aching
from the tears
you're holding back

but none of us
ever
bother to
talk about that

secrets aren't secrets
unless they're kept confidential
i'm getting tired
of being hired
just to give up
living up
to my potential

my rhymes are old
but don't ever try
to hold
my pencil

your arms are too weak
and you'd only
stay inside
the stencil

can't you see
none of this is good enough for me?
i can't be satisfied
as easily
as you want me to be

i'm sick to my stomach
from spinning around
trying to keep
all my word ***** down
living most of my life
inside my head
because i'm too afraid
to pull any stars
down
from the sky
and i'm too stupid
to ask myself why

in rare moments
i'm
a ray
of sunshine

some might
see me
as some
sort
of clown

but
most of the time
my mind's
stuck on
a rhyme

and i just can't keep people around

quite often
i'm outgoing
and silly

i can
make
most folks
pretend
to laugh

but inside,
i have cried
"please, just **** me"

contemplating
taking
my toaster
in the bath


i drink
too much
on more
than occasion

i spend
too much time
feeling blue

but the
sauce
is where
i seek inspiration

and without it
i wouldn't
know
what
to do

i've etched
words
in
my walls
with my nails

when
my pen
had run
all
out of ink

i can't hide

sadness
always
prevails

and
takes over
the
thoughts
that
i think

i
  want
you
  to know,

i don't
  pull
my hand away
  when you
try to hold it
  because
i don't love you

it's because
  i don't want
anything

to
  stop
me

from

   f
    a
      l
     l
    i
      n
         g

          off
      
    the edge

      when

   i'm ready

at this point,
i have
no one
else
to blame
for the lack
of love
i feel
for
myself,
but me

perhaps
my spine
is misshapen
like
the shady smile
of
the moon

and my pigeon toes
make my walk
look awkward
as i stumble through my life

i am not
one of those women
who has a graceful
step

i don't
float
like a feather

i plummet
like an anvil

i'm clunky

i'm awkward
and uncoordinated

short-legged
and
short-tempered

i am the little salty one

that stumpy
grumpy
gal
with the posture
of a woman
three times
my age

i hunch
and i crunch
because i am always
trying to hide my stomach
even when i'm paper thin

which just makes
my back look arched
and curved
but doesn't tuck
my chubby parts in

strangers often
assume i'm much younger
than i am

but my mirror cracks
when i look at it
and i can only
seem to see
the parts
of
myself
that i hate

like
pieces
of
a puzzle,
the things
that
make us odd
are also
what
make us
fit together

dark night

grey sky



moon smiles

stars lie



wind whistles

trees blow



clouds shift

sun glows



light shines

lives change



heart's full

life is strange

i would pick my pen up
if it wasn't so heavy

i would take my coat off
if it wasn't so cold

i would hand you my heart
if you asked me

but would you ever
dare be so bold?

i would jump off the edge
if you pushed me

i would test the water
if i knew how to swim

i would fly
up so high
if my wings would grow in

i would do anything for him

i've seen this before

that face

those eyes
and
that smile

i know what this means

i can see how
you're ******* me
in your mind

and thinking about going for a wild
and messy ride
you're thinking
about how
i'd feel inside

how it would taste
to press your lips
against my skin

over
and
over
and over
again

you see me
in your head
with my ankles locked tightly
behind your neck
as our skin melts and morphs us into one
feeling completely intertwined
until the deed is done

after we've allowed ourselves to unwrap
and unravel
we'll fall back apart
from one
in two

our eyes will meet once more
as you'll ask me

what we're having for dinner tonight

I am not me when I'm in public

And what I mean by that is,
I really put on an act

And ohhhh what a performance it is

I could sell tickets to this ****, it's so good

You really wouldn't believe it

You see, I work in customer service
and I deal with people all day
They come and they go, and I am so bubbly and nice
and they just
eat
me
up

I am like candy

so sweet and addicting,
they keep coming back for more

I am the one they all seem to adore

But if they'd just look into my eyes
If they could see beyond the surface
deep inside
where it all hides
They'd see the little black hole where my heart used to be
and the thoughts that keep me awake at night
They'd see the void of happiness
and the hatred I feel for myself
and everyone else
around me
who is happier
than I
will ever possibly be

There is a fire burning
turning my memories
into ash
Sending everything I've ever known
to the trash
And melting away any chance of my healing
Keeping the wounds on the surface
of me peeling
But never
ever
really, truly
revealing

anything

because I am nothing
and my mind is nothing
and my thoughts are

I yearn for the good old days
Constantly longing for my innocence and youth

Fond memories tickle my brain
and remind me of a time when I was happy

A time before sadness draped over my shoulders
like a coat that only serves to leave me feeling cold

Magic used to exist
There was a time when anything was possible
A time before life had worn me down
to the sad nub of a person I am today

It's funny how I'll never see myself as an adult
Just a clown
whose purpose is to make other people smile
while all I do is frown
Wearing my tears upon my head like a crown
And feeling the rain as it keeps pouring down
If I'm not careful, I'll probably drown

I'll keep my claws sharp
by constantly trying to dig myself out
from the bottom

.
.
.
.
          sometimes
          

                your weirdness


                          mashes
     

             ­                     with
     

                                      someone
                   

                                   e­lse's
                              

                           ­    weirdness
                        

                            j­ust right
                                        

                 ­                        and then


                         there



                              is




                   ­                     l
                                          ­o
                                        v
                     ­                      e

If I could turn back time
to when I was a kid
I would redo all
of the things that I did
Just so that I wouldn't have to
relive
all the hurt that I've felt,
and the lies that
I've fibbed

If I could go back once
to when I was young
I would redo
all the of things I had done
Just so I wouldn't have to regain
all the struggle I went through
to work on my pain

If I could just rewind
to an earlier time
To change all the mistakes,
and rewrite all the rhymes
I would take myself back
to when I was nine
When I didn't know better
and the world was still mine

If I could escape
to before I was born
I would go back
just so that I could warn
My mother that she never wanted me here
But I'd show her the life I'd created from fear
I'd point out my flaws, and my anxiety
That all grew because she didn't want me
I'd show her how I was always afraid
Because I was the unwanted baby she made
I'd tell her that I never felt good enough
And how she made my childhood rough
I'd point out the hatred I feel for myself
Because I always wished
I'd been born someone else

If I could turn back the clock
and return to the past
I'd realize
I was forced
to grow up too fast

Arlo Disarray© 03/06/2021

I fall in love a thousand times a day
Never really knowing what that word even means
But spouting it out to every set of eyes that meets mine
Lying to myself
and always trying too hard
to shine

I've been broken since the start
I wasn't really built quite right
With a head too big for my body
And a heart that bleeds out, inside
Dripping down into my toes
And keeping me awake, at night

I've been told the truth before
About how I'm all washed up
Letting my addictions control my every breath
And never being
quite strong enough

I never wanted to let it get this far
But here I am
not knowing what to do
Or where to go
Or what to think
I don't even know when I should or shouldn't blink
I'm always afraid I'll wake up
only to realize
that I missed one of the few important parts
of my life

my thoughts have spun
a web inside my brain
gluing everything together into a sticky jumble

i must confess, i don't know how to say the rest
i don't know how to pass this test,
but i do my best to seek the answers out of this mess

i spend every moment counting,
adding up numbers,
thinking,
calculating,
and wondering

too much wraps itself around my mind
and i can't feel the brain
inside my skull, anymore
it has grown numb
and dumb
and useless

the moon and sun
blend into one
and i realize,
that once again,
i've had too much to drink

i just can't seem to get it right
always ******* up one thing
or another

always stuck with too many thoughts to think

but i do my best to forget

i don't want to keep living
if all i feel is regret

and i don't know if i'm good for much more

i'm not here to impress, i'm just here to ignore

it all falls to ash
and spreads across my feet
painting my toes
each in different shades of grey

i lost count of all the minutes i wasted
daydreaming about boys
living some sort of played out fantasy in my head
about love
and a man
and a family

my life is a terrible joke
i don't find it funny,
but there's just no way
any of this can be real

this old heart of mine
is beating more slowly every day
shaving minutes off my hours
and slicing months off of my years

i'm not sure i can even find my face
underneath the tears

i only wish i didn't regret
so much of what i've done

The odds of me taking my own life one day, that's a bet I would definitely take. It might not be for a while. It could be years and years down the road, when I'm old and grey. When the skin sags low beneath my bones, and my teeth are not even teeth anymore.

It could be today. It could be tomorrow. It could be next month, next year. It could be any time.

It could happen when I have been weakened to a point of breaking at the slightest touch.

It could be because I need that sense of control, and knowing it's the only thing in my life I actually can take charge of.

It could be that I lose all sense of importance, and realize I have no more purpose here on this spinning ball of dirt.

It could be anything. Any time.

But I'm sure it'll happen, one day.

A brick road laid in front of me,
one slab at a time
I took a step along the path
to see what I could find

A scarecrow cried out for help,
sounded like he was in pain
I asked him what he needed
and he expressed to me,
"a brain."

So I sliced my forehead carefully,
and took mine from my skull
I placed it in his head and said,
"there, now your mind is full."

He thanked me as I wandered on
to find another friend
I met a lion on the bricks
whose life was at its end

He was afraid of everything,
and he was so discouraged
So I reached into my gut
and I gave him all my courage

He smiled and waved
as I left
to give someone else a hand
And I heard the cries of sadness
from a rusted, old tin man

I asked him what he needed and he wailed out,
"a heart!"
So I pulled myself open and tore my ribs and chest apart

Now that I am empty,
I'm dumb, scared, and alone
All that I can think is,
"there is no place like home."

the first song for my album.

Link in notes.

Maybe I should know that
time is gettin' harder
to bear
But I don't
remember
where I've been

Maybe we were younger
Maybe we were older than
the ones
we thought
we loved
back then

And maybe you remember?
We were rolling down
a grassy hill,
out in
the summer sun

Maybe I forgot it...
Maybe I just stored it away,
to keep
it safe from everyone
To keep it safe from me

Maybe...

This is a Christmas song I just wrote. Link to the recording in the notes.



They say this is a time for family
but I am stuck here, all alone
I used to have a man that loved me
but I sent him off, on his own

And I'm so sad
I guess I must've been so bad
Because I'm so sad
This is the lonliest Christmas I've ever had

I didn't have too much on my list
Just to have someone by my side
But I guess my house must've been missed
It's okay, I know Santa tried

But I'm so sad
I guess I must've been so bad
Because I'm so sad
This is the lonliest Christmas I've ever had

I'm so sad
I guess I must've been so bad
Because I'm so sad
This is the lonliest Christmas I've ever had...

I have a warm heart
that's been coated in ice
And when it thaws out
it will feel so nice

But in the meantime,
while it's frosty and frozen
I'm regretting the life
and the choices I've chosen

The signs point me one way,
I walk off the path
The numbers are right there
but I can't do the math

I forget what I'm told
and I leave my room trashed
Maybe I'd remember
if I wasn't always smashed

I'm lost and I'm hardened,
blistered and broken
Stuck inside a dream
which I still haven't awoken

Each breath
in my chest
draws me closer to death
But I'm tough
and I just
haven't given up, yet

I noticed the moon was hanging on a wire,
right before it swung down from the sky
Dangling right before my eyes,
I grabbed it
And ******,
the worthless thing is plastic
And the stars are just the glowing eyes of strangers,
saying that
they're pleased to meet me

Swinging my arms through the night's sky,
I get covered in ink
Black and blue on my skin
from the thoughts that I think
The galaxies are writing stories
on my flesh
and singing songs into my mind
for only my insides to hear
The lyrics are vocalized in a multitude of languages, pitches, and tones
And I feel sick now

I keep hearing your voice in the night when I look to the sky and I stare at the light
The sun has no place here, no meaning at all
She must stay hidden away and only seen when she's wanted
Winter is my favorite time of year because the nights are always longer

my bedroom floor has become
a graveyard for beer cans
and cigarette butts

still,
the moon smiles at me

i know what he's thinking
and i don't dare say
any of it out loud

i've lost track of the time,
yet again
and i'm frantically spiraling
into the night
and sinking into the ground
beneath me

my sense of self control
is barely even in existence,
anymore

i can't seem to stay away
from bad decisions

it's almost as though
i deliberately seek
them out
just to make sure
my life stays
exactly the same

2 a.m. approaches, so of course i'm still drinking
sitting under the stars, getting lost,
simply thinking
and i lose myself in the night, as i'm sinking
goodbyes never come soon enough

notes scribbled out into rhymes
never serving a purpose
other than clearing my mind
taking all the ugly stuff out
and turning it into something else

i've always had a hard time taking advice
i make every wrong choice,
at the very least, twice
and sometimes it's hard to realize
that i'm the one thing that stands in my way

i've been shuffling pennies
inside my pocket
and hearing them jingle
as i take more
and more steps
in the wrong direction

Time keeps trying to absorb me,
but I've broken his hands
and hidden away
the ground up bits of his sands

I'll never be whole again
but at least
he and I are falling apart
together

a couple states away,
in the snow dusted hills
lies a possible future
that i never thought i'd see

there are several doors
lined up in front of me
and i'm not quite sure
to which one i hold the key

the map that lines my pocket
is crumpled to a point
where i can't read
and the ink has gotten sweaty
as it slowly starts to bleed

i see a light
through a dark, empty space
and i'm too afraid
of truly finding my place
you can read every word
that i think,
on my face
but there's no answer

decision making has always been
something i have trouble with
i either stand in place
or i sink myself into a hole
never really getting anywhere
simply watching
as i, and everyone around me grow old
i'd forget it was winter if it wasn't so cold

time passes around me, twice
twisting trails around my life
letting everything pass me by
as i live, and as i die

Now,

the sun isn't even on our side

You can tell by the way
it shamefully hides

And the clouds only serve
to shroud
out our light

The moon falsely projects
recycled rays in the night

And somewhere,
deep inside all of this,
I sit

And I'm just not sure
where I fit
into it

wading through the edge of a dream
i sit and ponder what is in my head
and what is factual reality

there are too many things to count
too many numbers
numerals
constantly rotating along the outside of my brain
as i calculate everything i can see in front of me

time keeps wrapping around me
pasting fragments of my days
to my face
reminding me that time is endless
and no moment in the past
can be replaced

i've been gone a real long time
at least, inside my mind
i don't know if i'm ever coming back
or if i even want to

i'm picking at my scabs
trying to release the pain
and set it free
creating scars to remind myself
of just where and who i've been

surrounded by sky
and speckled in lights
millions of dancing diamonds
flicker into the night

and as each one tells me a secret
i shut out the sound
covering my ears
and pretending
no one is around

fallen leaves cover my feet
i guess i've been here too long
the wind churns through the trees
and i hear my favorite song

my mind paces
a thousand or more circles
a day

and it always comes back
to the same broken thoughts
tying the meat
in my skull
into knots

a dose of medicine
ain't gonna fix it
and if i lost this side of myself
i think i might miss it

it's the only me
i've ever really known
and i don't want her to die

it's not her fault
that her heart is busted
and letting all the
leaky stuff drip out

she was made this way for a reason

and i don't want to say goodbye

there aren't enough minutes in the day
to keep feeling this way

but as time ticks forward,
i move further backward

and i hope one day
i'll catch up with myself
and know where i've been
going this whole time

i love him from a distance
and watch as the world falls down
around us both

i don't know much about him
other than
how he makes me feel

and maybe it's because i know
it will never be

but my mind swims in circles
like a shark
and the only thing
i want to taste
is him

a fire burns hotter
in my heart
than i can handle

and he doesn't even know
he ever struck
the match

I've been trapped inside a memory
and I can't see
what's in front of me

Taking steps backward into my past
thinking it won't last
but I'm gone too fast

and I'm losing track of all my tracks
I'm going back
I'm going back

and I'm losing track of all my tracks
I'm going back

And I don't wanna know tomorrow
And I don't wanna see tomorrow

Taking scoops out of my brain
I'm going inane
From too much pain

Wish I could erase all my mistakes
But it's too late
Oh, it's too late

Don't know how much more I can take
When I'm awake
When I'm awake

Don't know how much more I can take
When I'm awake

And I don't wanna know tomorrow
And I don't wanna see tomorrow

It's too late for me
But please don't cry
It's too late you see
But please don't
It's too late for me
Please don't cry

And I don't wanna know tomorrow
And I don't wanna see tomorrow

Every moment is spent with people
pretending to like me

I don't even like myself,
so how could I expect anyone else to?

There has been no color
in my soul
since the day that my dad
blew his brains out
in front of
the house
I grew up in

Maybe it's time I quit
hanging on by this thread,
and I admit
I'm no stronger than he was

I live every day
as though it were my last,
because one day,
it will be

My heart tries to carry the weight
of so many others,
when there's barely
enough room for myself

I don't really feel like I know anyone

You all claim to love me,
but I spend every night alone,
wondering
if it's even worth it
for me to take in
another breath,
or if I should just
turn blue

i live inside of
stacks of boxes
lining around
the perimeter
of a room

too unsure of how long
i'll be here
not just in this room
but on this planet

it doesn't matter how many
smiles i create
or how many stupid
jokes that i make

i will never feel complete

there is a hole dug so deep inside of me,
i just can't see it

but i know it's there
every time
i see him smile

i know each smile's
for me
but he will never be mine

i try so hard
to live my life
but have i run out of time?

i hate every moment that i waste awake
because at least in my dreams,
in my life that is fake,
i can pretend i'm happy
and that's all
that it takes

clicking and ticking from my talkative clock
tell me minutes are passing, and they'll just
never stop

i'm surrounded by numbers,
they're invading my space
all these sands dropping down,
as they cover my face

the hourglass fills,
but i'm torn on the truth
has a day gone away?
another page
on my calendar used?

what's the use?
i'm left dying
and trying
too hard
another second
on the clock
one more
bit of sand
by the shard

it's too hard
i can't take it
i'm surrounded by noise
each second
that ticks
demanding
i make a choice

where's my voice?
i think i lost it
somewhere
along the way
time wraps around me
and tells me
that i'll live
another day

but what's living
when you've been dead inside?
from the love that you've lost
and the tears
that you've cried

yes, i died
but my heart still refuses to cease
so my soul still remains
until i am released

star dusted skin
shimmers delicately
under a falsely lit stone

wishes are quietly whispered
into an infinite, black ocean of universes

galaxies quake beneath a dozen suns
and we all get burned alive
eventually

i want to mount you
and i know on so many levels
that it's wrong

but you make time slow its ticking

every time i catch a glimpse of your smile
and my bones start quivering
beneath my muscles

every time i remove my skin,
i'm terrified

and as i tremble softly
between my knees
i feel a loss of control
and the thoughts get tangled
into so many knots
i don't even know where one end
begins

i gently remove bits
of layers
of my skin

only showing you a little sliver
as i try to hide my grin

i am much too ashamed
and unhappy
to share the parts of me
i am most afraid of

i'm taunted and teased
by lumps of flesh
and primal human instincts

daydreaming about feeling your fingers
caressing more than just
my neck
and lips

shivers work their way down my spine
and filter through the rest of my bones

i see you smile
and it kills me
from how brightly
and intensely
you make my flame burn