dark night

grey sky



moon smiles

stars lie



wind whistles

trees blow



clouds shift

sun glows



light shines

lives change



heart's full

life is strange

i would pick my pen up
if it wasn't so heavy

i would take my coat off
if it wasn't so cold

i would hand you my heart
if you asked me

but would you ever
dare be so bold?

i would jump off the edge
if you pushed me

i would test the water
if i knew how to swim

i would fly
up so high
if my wings would grow in

i would do anything for him

i've seen this before

that face

those eyes
and
that smile

i know what this means

i can see how
you're ******* me
in your mind

and thinking about going for a wild
and messy ride
you're thinking
about how
i'd feel inside

how it would taste
to press your lips
against my skin

over
and
over
and over
again

you see me
in your head
with my ankles locked tightly
behind your neck
as our skin melts and morphs us into one
feeling completely intertwined
until the deed is done

after we've allowed ourselves to unwrap
and unravel
we'll fall back apart
from one
in two

our eyes will meet once more
as you'll ask me

what we're having for dinner tonight

I am not me when I'm in public

And what I mean by that is,
I really put on an act

And ohhhh what a performance it is

I could sell tickets to this ****, it's so good

You really wouldn't believe it

You see, I work in customer service
and I deal with people all day
They come and they go, and I am so bubbly and nice
and they just
eat
me
up

I am like candy

so sweet and addicting,
they keep coming back for more

I am the one they all seem to adore

But if they'd just look into my eyes
If they could see beyond the surface
deep inside
where it all hides
They'd see the little black hole where my heart used to be
and the thoughts that keep me awake at night
They'd see the void of happiness
and the hatred I feel for myself
and everyone else
around me
who is happier
than I
will ever possibly be

There is a fire burning
turning my memories
into ash
Sending everything I've ever known
to the trash
And melting away any chance of my healing
Keeping the wounds on the surface
of me peeling
But never
ever
really, truly
revealing

anything

because I am nothing
and my mind is nothing
and my thoughts are

I yearn for the good old days
Constantly longing for my innocence and youth

Fond memories tickle my brain
and remind me of a time when I was happy

A time before sadness draped over my shoulders
like a coat that only serves to leave me feeling cold

Magic used to exist
There was a time when anything was possible
A time before life had worn me down
to the sad nub of a person I am today

It's funny how I'll never see myself as an adult
Just a clown
whose purpose is to make other people smile
while all I do is frown
Wearing my tears upon my head like a crown
And feeling the rain as it keeps pouring down
If I'm not careful, I'll probably drown

I'll keep my claws sharp
by constantly trying to dig myself out
from the bottom

.
.
.
.
          sometimes
          

                your weirdness


                          mashes
     

             ­                     with
     

                                      someone
                   

                                   e­lse's
                              

                           ­    weirdness
                        

                            j­ust right
                                        

                 ­                        and then


                         there



                              is




                   ­                     l
                                          ­o
                                        v
                     ­                      e

If I could turn back time
to when I was a kid
I would redo all
of the things that I did
Just so that I wouldn't have to
relive
all the hurt that I've felt,
and the lies that
I've fibbed

If I could go back once
to when I was young
I would redo
all the of things I had done
Just so I wouldn't have to regain
all the struggle I went through
to work on my pain

If I could just rewind
to an earlier time
To change all the mistakes,
and rewrite all the rhymes
I would take myself back
to when I was nine
When I didn't know better
and the world was still mine

If I could escape
to before I was born
I would go back
just so that I could warn
My mother that she never wanted me here
But I'd show her the life I'd created from fear
I'd point out my flaws, and my anxiety
That all grew because she didn't want me
I'd show her how I was always afraid
Because I was the unwanted baby she made
I'd tell her that I never felt good enough
And how she made my childhood rough
I'd point out the hatred I feel for myself
Because I always wished
I'd been born someone else

If I could turn back the clock
and return to the past
I'd realize
I was forced
to grow up too fast

Arlo Disarray© 03/06/2021