i’m not ready to grow up

people say that youth is the greatest gift in life and i’m starting to believe them

as i get older, i’m dragged further into a world that just wants to see me break

i miss the days where i could do almost anything i wanted to do

i miss the days where i didn’t have to worry about if i have enough money for food

i miss the days where i didn’t have to apologize for doing things that make me happy

i would give anything to go back to those days because that’s when i was truly free

bruises and scrapes cover my body as i yell for help

no one seems to hear so i just sit in the bottom of this hole

stuck

never knowing if i’ll truly be okay again

You took my dignity.
You took my esteem.

When you grabbed me, I couldn't breathe.

Being choked by you was the thing that broke me.

You led me to the bench.
You led me to your bed.
You cornered me on a couch.

You only want to use me.

I'm more than my body.

I have to be.

Cause it doesn't even feel like mine anymore.

You ruined me.

And you don't even realize it.

I just want you to lay
here with me forever and
never let go.

Dear Mom and Dad,

       I’m sorry.
       I know you’ve always wanted a boy and a girl but I can’t be your daughter anymore.
       I’ve tried, believe me.
       I just.....can’t.
       You want me to wear dresses and put on makeup and curl my hair and paint my nails.
        But that’s not me.
        I’ve told you that I want my haircut.
        You say no.
        I say I want to wear a suit to homecoming.
        You shove a dress in my face.
        I’m terrified to go into the right bathroom when you’re around.
        How can you expect me to go to you with everything when you force me to shove my emotions down?
         You know my true name.
         You know my true pronouns.
         Yet you refuse to let me be myself.
         Why can’t you accept that I’m your son, not your daughter?
         I know it would be hard at first to get used to the new name and pronouns but you make me feel like you’ll never get used to it.
         I can’t explain how difficult it is to live with you and myself at the same time.
         I want to cut my chest off, shave my head, and just scream at the top of my lungs.
         But you won’t let me.
         So I’m forced to stay in the closet and listen to your insults.
         Constantly wondering when you’ll accept me.
         If you ever will accept me.
                                                             ­                            -A.

Every time I do, the person leaves my life.

That’s why I’m terrified to tell you.

I know you’re accepting but I’m still scared to death.

What if my mom finds out?

What if you tell other people?

What if you leave my life too?

I just want to have a supportive community around me but it’s difficult when no one is.

I want you to know.

I need you to know.

But my mom is right there.

And I don’t know how to tell you.

Why am I so scared to just be myself?

Please help me to understand.

The only thing that can hide my dysphoria and make me uncomfortable at the same time

all i want is to know you

sure, i joke around and call you things but

i still care about you

you're my friend and

it's not gonna change after i see who you truly are

because who you truly are is wonderful

and i don't wanna miss out on that for a second

your eyes like the ocean;

your personality like a secret box stashed away;

everything about you truly:

Beautiful

What do I do when all my secrets are with you
but you're always away from me?

What do I do when all my trust issues cause me to follow you,
believing that, no matter what, my secrets will be revealed.

My past forces me to chase you around, thinking that I
will never be able to trust another person again.

But if that's true, then what made me think that I could
trust you?

i walk down these hallways
smiles facing me everywhere
i look.

i try to escape the prison
but never succeed.

some people say that popularity
is a blessing but i say it's a curse.

all my secrets on a spreadsheet
for everyone to see.

every flaw on show like a band
at a concert.

i try to cover them up but never can.

some days i wish i could go back to my old school.

the one where nothing was public.

everything was hidden and known only by my
friends and i.

the place where being unknown was the good thing.

but now you have to be popular.

you can't possibly be unknown unless you're homeschooled.

every day i fantasize about what life would be like if we were all just

unknown

I still remember the day she told us.
The day our lives changed.
It was a scary experience
But hope held us tight.

I still remember the day of the surgery.
It was on their anniversary
Yet she had to stay at the hospital
While needles poked at her like bee stings.

So many doubts and so many fears clouded my mind.
What if the surgery doesn’t work?
What if it comes back?
What if
What if
What if
Yet there was only one thing I never doubted for a second;
She would survive.

I still remember the day I came back from camp
To see her lying in bed, watching TV.
I wanted to hug her so hard but I knew that would just hurt her more.

I spent my time watching TV with her.
Making my own lunch when she couldn’t get out of bed.
Worrying about her.
Waiting.
Wondering.

I still remember the day she came home from an appointment
With laughter in her eyes
And a goofy grin on her face.

She opened her mouth and out came only two words.
Two words that made us be overcome with joy.
Cancer free.