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Dec 2019 · 486
Dysphoria is Back
Arden Dec 2019
I can feel it getting tighter
And
It's strangling me

My heart racing
And
Head pounding

I thought this was gone
But
It's back

I was done with this
But
I guess not

Someone help me
I'm suffocating

Ice
A knife

There's blood
There's so much blood

This is not what I wanted
I just wanted it gone
Arden Dec 2019
If I think harder do I burn more calories

Does being hot or cold burn more calories

Silent night time exercise

how many calories in
           lexapro
           ibuprofen
           air
           saliva

how many calories did Auschwitz prisoners eat

is diy liposuction possible

what body parts can you live without

could they have poured calories in this water

how to give myself the flu

can thinking about food make you fat

how much does a finger weigh
please don't hate or make fun of me for the things I have wondered. I am mean enough to myself.
Arden Dec 2019
rip off all my skin
2. stop, just stop
3. ask for help
4. never talk to anyone ever again
5. go far away and never come back
6. never eat again
7. eat ******* everything
8. lay in the snow, in a swimsuit
9. stop being so ******* dramatic
10. you should just disappear already
Oct 2019 · 308
not ok
Arden Oct 2019
Im not doing ok
I havent washed my hair
since last Sunday

I've worn these clothes
For the past 3 days

Just about killed myself
Saturday night

But like nothing is really wrong
Im just ******* depressed
And I don’t know how to get out of it

I almost asked someone how
I know if I need more help
But
Instead I typed a paragraph about
Why they matter and
Need to put themselves first
Sep 2019 · 288
not all
Arden Sep 2019
It is true that not all who wander are lost
But it is also true that
Not all who are lost want to be found

Or maybe I’m I just don’t think I deserve to be found
I feel to lost to be found
I am too far away from who you think I am
That if you knew
I would be a stranger to you
Sep 2019 · 1.3k
trigger
Arden Sep 2019
Can we talk about the word trigger
Because people are dumb
Teenagers say they are triggered when
They don’t want to write a paper
They miss a goal in soccer
They drop their phone
That is called being annoyed or disappointed
That is not triggered

A trigger is an emotional allergy
Some that triggers distress or panic
A trigger is loud noises cause a panic attack
Sep 2019 · 251
dear dysphoric trans girl
Arden Sep 2019
Hey dysphoric trans girl,

I see you.
Your outfit is really cute today.
And I'm really proud of you for getting
Our of bed with such grace.
The weight of dysphoria is heavy
Let me carry it with you.
You're essential to the world we live in.
You're more than a trending topic.
Your bodies existence is a radical act
And it's survival is worthy of celebration
Disappointment *****.
Being able to still be disappointed
Means you are engaged in your life.
You are an active player.
That's good!
Every part of you is a girl.
Especially the part you don’t like today.
Your voice, hands, and feet are feminine
What else could they be

Love,
A dysphoric trans boy
Sep 2019 · 212
still here
Arden Sep 2019
guess what  
no matter what you say or do  
my ****** does not make me less
male  
my chest does not make me less
male  
my voice does not make me less
male  
i am what i am and you cant change that  
i am a friend  
I am a lover  
I am a brother  
I am not the subject of your study  
I am not the punching bag for your queerfear
i am strong  
i am everything  
i am still here
Sep 2019 · 174
Untitled
Arden Sep 2019
I look at my chest the way I'd look at a wound
I know its a part of me  
I know its there  
but it feels temporary  
and a little gross
like I sliced my thumb  
on glass at 1 am  
my binder is a bandage  
and it's hard to take off
because the wound will open up  
And my back hurts wearing from bandage  
But it's so much better than  
Seeing where my skin splits in two
Sep 2019 · 179
homeless
Arden Sep 2019
last week my dad told me  
i am going to be homeless
when i grow up  

but from what i can see
i am not going to  
make it that far
Sep 2019 · 250
boy in the closet
Arden Sep 2019
There is a boy in my closet
The boy is friendly but stays hidden
When I look in the mirror there he is
I became jealous of who he is
He says he wants to come out  
I decided to ignore it
But the curiosity grew bit by bit
Until I could barely stand it
"CUT YOUR HAIR"
But when I went downstairs my unapproving mother stood there
The boy wasn’t at ease with what our plan began to be
Because in reality, the boy was really me
But all people can see is she
That part wasn’t cut out for me
I don’t understand the big deal if I'm a he
Sep 2019 · 174
shhhh
Arden Sep 2019
You call me
She, her, daughter, girl
Shhhhhh…
You speak with a blind mouth,
Look at me, see me
She isn't me
Only a fantasy that you clutch
I'm not broken, I'm free

Long hair
lipstick
lace dress
You question me every time I show you my truth
"Are you trying to hide your femininity?"
No, my femininity is simply not my definition
Spend a day in my skin, in my cage
And don't cry when the words start to pierce you like daggers.

Shhhh… stay silent, don’t worry its just a phase
Now do you see the "She" just doesn't make sense
You speak to me but your voice seems distant,
Bouncing off and echoing
Sep 2019 · 163
down pour
Arden Sep 2019
Maybe I can’t stop
The downpour But
I will always join you  
For a walk in the rain

Together we will flow
Through an ocean of  
Ever-changing tides  
Drenched  
Tired  
Stronger  
Empowered  

The sunrise  
Will never look brighter  
Then the day we become  
One
Sep 2019 · 268
Broken
Arden Sep 2019
i was getting better  
i was feeling again  

But
Now

its crashing down
in slow motion this time  
i desperately try to stop it  
but just keep getting attacked

by this thing  
this monster that i  
cant see  
how do i defend myself  
against something that  
i cannot see  

how do i be  
not broken  
im tired of being broken
my jagged edges keep cutting  
people i care about  

i was getting better  
but now  
im shattering
Sep 2019 · 570
Accordion door
Arden Sep 2019
There's an accordion door  
And now he's back  
He's here

But he is always here  
It's every birthday party  
Every Christmas  
Every ******* Sunday  

There's an accordion door  
And now he tells me it's normal
I'm special
This is our secret  

Cuz I thought family
Was supposed to be safe
I have been told  
That family is safe  

There's an accordion door  
And I'm back  
upstairs at my grandma's  
With my cousin  

Family is my safety net  
So what am I supposed to do
When my safety net strangles me
Sep 2019 · 240
Time
Arden Sep 2019
I think it's time
For me to close my eyes
And slip into the sleep 
That I've always desired.

I think it's time 
To say goodbye
To everything I've grown to know
And everything I'll have to let go.

I think it's time 
To find out
Once and for all 
What dreams may come.
Arden Sep 2019
I don't have an eating disorder
But
I eat one meal a day

I don't have an eating disorder
But
I cant eat more than 700 calories a day

I don't have an eating disorder
But
I have to skateboard at least 5 hours a day

I don't have an eating disorder
But
If I don't know how many calories is in something I can't eat it
Sep 2019 · 332
Invisible
Arden Sep 2019
I want to go home  
I hate this feeling  
I don't want to do this  

I really wish I weren't me

It would be a lie to say I feel invisible
I feel painfully seen and ignored
Jun 2019 · 154
comfort food
Arden Jun 2019
why does no one talk about how scary recovery is
Like being mentally ill is not fun
But I also am terrified to get better because I don’t know
Who I am without depression
I don’t know who I am without self harm
My personality is mentally ill

This is all I've ever know
Self harm is my favorite blanket
Depression is comfort food
And anxiety is the love of my life

And I don’t understand how there are people
Who can get out of bed every morning
How people can be social and not feel
Like a volcano is being forced down their throat  
How people can just raise their hand in class
It just sounds fake and impossible to me

So idk know if I really want to get better  
Because I don't know who I am without this
Apr 2019 · 273
50's
Arden Apr 2019
you sit in your pulpit all holier than thou  
claiming if it was the 50's
you would fight in the civil rights movement  
but now you are sitting back doing nothing

so  

shut the **** up  
you don't get to watch kids being  
pulled from their parents and do nothing  
while saying you would have fought for
people of color  

you are lying there is no other way to put it  
you ******* coward  
and by the way the fight for  
people of color isn't over so
get off your *** or shut up
Apr 2019 · 920
peter pan
Arden Apr 2019
I just realized that peter pan is actually an angel
And neverland is heaven
Those kids didn’t age because they were dead
I wish I didn’t age

I try to put my mental health before education
But then it affects my education which effects  
My mental health which effects my
Educ- you get it

Do you realize we are the kids our parents
Warned us about

I am an overly emotional
Clingy
Distant private person
Who has the tendency to overshare at any moment
And I don’t know what the **** that means
But I'm going with it

This poem doesn’t really have a meaning
But I think that might be the meaning
Mar 2019 · 442
windex
Arden Mar 2019
I know how many stories is tall enough
I know how much Windex I have to drink
I know long I have to be alone in order to hang myself
I know where to cut
I know how many pills I have to swallow

So you ask how come I keep trying and keep failing
Listen you have no idea how ****** windex tastes
Listen I can't get to the roof of the buildings
Listen All the pills are in a safe
I do everything wrong
I can't even die correctly

But I don’t want to **** myself anyway  
My uncle shot himself
And I watched my grandmother lose a son
I watched my dad lose his best friend
I have seen what it does to people and
I have felt that feeling

I don’t want to **** myself
I just want to be in a coma
Arden Mar 2019
1) Mental hospitals are more like dramas/comedies than horror
    films. When people think of psych wards they think of criminally
    insane people rocking back and forth, talking to their imaginary
    friends and throwing chairs. Don't get me wrong, there's some of
    those. But most of us just do word searches, color, joke about
    serious things.
2) We aren't monsters, we are your brothers, your daughters, your
    mother, your co-worker we are just regular people who have lost
    our way and need some help finding the path again
3) I am closer to people I knew for 2 weeks than I will ever be with
    anyone on the outside. Yes we all call it the outside
4) Sometimes talking to people who understand what you're going
    through is more therapeutic than the actual therapy groups. This
    is not to say that the doctors there are crap it is just to say that no  
    matter how much they read and listen they will never truly
    understand what it feels like unless they have been there and we
    can tell who has been there, they go the extra mile to make us
    feel like people
5) It's not a vacation, it's not fun, it's not an escape from the real
    world. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is work.
6) Everyone in there is a person in unbearable pain but it isn't just a
    bunch of people sitting around crying. We go from group to
    group and then color and go to bed nothing about it is really fun
    but you get used to it
7) The mental hospital is like a camp for empty people, just like a
    band camp we can all relate to each other and makes you feel
    less alone
8) Getting discharged it a great feeling because you are free, but it
    is also completely terrifying, in the hospital it's safe, people get it,
    there is always someone to talk to and now you're all alone
9) Just because I've spent 7 and a half weeks in a mental hospital
    over 2 stays doesn't mean I am fixed there is no cure for my
    illnesses and that's just the way it is
10) We are not who you think, the kindest people I've ever met
     were also the ones hurting the most.
Mar 2019 · 1.2k
darkness questions
Arden Mar 2019
you know what's creepy about humpty dumpty? they never said it was an egg
don't you dare sounds normal, but do not you dare sounds weird
envelopes are strange. its like here's a paper wrapped in paper that i sealed with my saliva
butter is food lotion
when you wait for the waiter you are the waiter

How much pain do I have go though until giving up is okay?
Mar 2019 · 531
in case no one told you
Arden Mar 2019
• You're not a burden
• It's ok to be struggling
• It's ok to tell people you're struggling
• Please tell people you're struggling
• Don't suffer in silence. Tell someone. Get help
• It's ok to need help
• The world is more beautiful because you're in it
• You are worth it
• Thank you for existing
• You're beautiful
• Please stay alive
• If you're looking for a sign not to **** yourself, this is it
• People love you
I love you
Mar 2019 · 273
other half
Arden Mar 2019
I'm not searching for my other half
Because I am not half

I am so much enough
You have no idea how enough
I can be

How enough I am

Trust me I will
Make the time to
Prove to you that
I do not need someone
Else to complete me

I can create my own sunshine
Mar 2019 · 359
Or is that just me
Arden Mar 2019
Do you ever want everything to stop
Or is that just me
Do you ever want to just collapse
Or is that just me
Do you ever feel like no one cares
Or is that just me
Do you ever feel like no one understands
Or is that just me
Do you ever want to get in a car and just drive until you run
        out of gas
Or is that just me
Do you ever wish someone would just **** you because it
        would be easier that way
Or is that just me
Arden Mar 2019
I know it feels like your presence causes pain to the people
             around you
2. I know you truly believe that the world would be better
             without you
3. I know it’s petrifying to be alive when you thought you
             would be dead
4. I know the shame
5. I know the scars no one will ever see are much worse than
             the ones they will
6. I know the feeling will never really go away
7. I know you don’t want people to know because it will hurt
            them
8. I know people don’t get it
9. I know it ***** not having hope
10. I know it seems like it can never get better
Mar 2019 · 3.8k
tell me
Arden Mar 2019
I hope you will tell me
I cannot know your secrets without your words
I hope you will tell me
Tell me please your thoughts of suicide
You might feel scared to tell me
When I ask you if you are thinking of suicide
I will try to help you feel safe
I will not judge you
I will not interrogate you
I will not panic
I will listen gently as you tell your story
In your own words in your own way
Suicide might tell you not to
Suicide might tell you I am your enemy

Suicide lies

Suicide might tell you that nobody could possibly help you
That dying is the only way to end your pain
Suicide might tell you that you are a bad person
Defective, undeserving of life
Or love or hope of compassion
Please tell me
I cannot help you fight the enemy
If you do not tell me about the enemy
The enemy that is trying to **** you
Do not trust suicide
They are not rational
They are a symptom a sign a cry for inside
Something inside you needs healing
Healing not killing
Tell me please what suicide tells you
Does it tell you everything is wrong with you
Suicide plays tricks with truth
Hiding the truths that make you want to live
The pieces of hope
The pathways to healing
The possible
Tell me, please
Tell somebody
Feb 2019 · 531
body house
Arden Feb 2019
my body is a house
but
someone else lives there

my body is a house
but it's not mine
i'm just visiting
Feb 2019 · 399
wow
Arden Feb 2019
wow
I have a crush on death
cuz everyone loves to say they have a mentally ill friend
until we actually have symptoms they don't understand
its like
ohh you're sad all the time you poor thing
wow you're so paranoid and believe irrational things
well now you're just being difficult
Arden Feb 2019
1) I wake up and the only thing I look forward to is going back to bed
2) Hallways seem never ending
3) I forget how to cry
4) I rub my forehead a lot
5) All my clothes are *****
6) I start taking long naps
7) I can't stop thinking about death
8) I start wanting therapy everyday
9) I feel so much that I don't feel anything
10) I push people away so my death doesn't hurt them so much
Feb 2019 · 268
not suicidal
Arden Feb 2019
Im not suicidal
I just dont want to be alive
     like I dont look both ways before
             crossing the street
     like I dont check how many pills Im supposed
             to take and hope I take too many
     like I cut food with the knife facing me
     like I play with fire and
             I run with scissors
because I still have a little
hope left
but no desire to stay alive
Feb 2019 · 177
claiming christians
Arden Feb 2019
to all the claiming to be Christians
using Gods name as a reason for your hatred

where is your God
how can you say that God is love
but claim that you hate in his name
how you say God doesn't make mistakes
but hate people who are different

I think you need to read that scripture again
John 8:7 "he who is without sin cast the first stone"
matthew 7:1 "condemn not and you shall not be condemned
romans 13:10 "Love does no harm to thy neighbor therefore
love is the fulfillment of the law"
1 John 2:9 "anyone who claims to be in the light but still hates a brother or sister is in the dark"
proverbs 10:12 "love covers all sin"
Feb 2019 · 245
to be trans
Arden Feb 2019
to be trans is to have you live expectancy slipt into half
to be trans is being homesick in your body
to be trans is being hated by people ** claim to preach love

to be trans is beautiful
to be trans is beautiful
to be trans is beautiful
I repeat myself because I am trying to convince myself
to be trans is beautiful
Feb 2019 · 353
mom listen
Arden Feb 2019
mom i am trying to tell you something
i didn't **** your daughter
i cant **** a person who never existed

if only you knew how hard it is to know
that i will never be free
if only you knew how it feels to need to
claw my skin off

i am tired of waking up
knowing who i am
while everyone uses the wrong name
the wrong pronouns
because no, it is not just a pronoun
it is validation and i know I shouldn't
need that **** but
i do
Feb 2019 · 712
my bones
Arden Feb 2019
i feel broken in my
own bones
i want to get out of my skin
i want to change the unchangeable

my chest
my voice
my face
my everything feels wrong

I feel like crawling out
of my skin
ripping my chest off
and running away from my body

i just want it gone
just let this pain end
Feb 2019 · 159
past 15
Arden Feb 2019
I'm 17 years old
and I struggle to look past
yesterday
I never thought I would live past 15

what didn't **** me
leaves me lying awake at 2 am
wishing it had
and I must ask
how much pain
do I have to go through
until giving up is ok
Feb 2019 · 282
dna scars
Arden Feb 2019
I will kiss the sadness off your bones
Stroke your DNA and reshape it
Cradle your heart
I will stitch you back together
And love your scars
Feb 2019 · 160
anxiety is
Arden Feb 2019
Anxiety is experiencing failure in advance.
Anxiety is I like to be left alone
But when people don’t notice my absent
It hurts
Anxiety is perpetually hearing the enemy music but never seeing the enemy  
Anxiety is censoring my thoughts in just in case teachers can read minds
Anxiety is knowing you need to talk t someone but you don’t want to burden them so you bottle it up
Dec 2018 · 293
not a mistake
Arden Dec 2018
Dear heteronormative cis people who get made when we come out,

I know this is a hard concept for you to grasp but
it is about you!

We do not come out for you
We do not come out
For the one's who hate us

We shout and make as much noise
As possible just so
Other people like us who are
Scared and cannot be themselves
Would know that they
ARE NOT A MISTAKE

— The End —