Cyclical

why must this be
always with me

Self-starvation

                        It’s how she lives, how she breathes, how she sleeps

                                    Food, food, always obsessed with food

                                                Going hours at a time on nothing

                                                            Dizzy, so very dizzy

                                                                        The lights are too bright

                                                                                    She hides away in the dark

                                                                                                She sleeps and sleeps


                                                                                                                   Miserable, lonely and heartbroken

Beauty is in
The eyes of the beholder
The heart of the lover
And the mind of the seer
They swoon and swoon
For her affections before noon
To sweep her off her
delicate little feet for dinner
Competition is swift for her
Aggressive and quick for her
They all want to be her first love
The purest and most innocent--
of all things, the heart of the untouched
And the unloved
She wears little white dresses,
skips on sundays, cleans up her messes,
and curls her hair for brunch
The beholder, lover and seer call her name
But she thinks they're all kind of lame
For she isn't into those gentlemen
No, no, not one bit
They just don't seem to match her wit
She is luminous, brighter than most
Just because she's beautiful
Doesn't make her delusional

woof woof
went the dog
who barks until his throat is sore

hiss hiss
went the cat
who growled until her fear was no more

ouch ouch
says the girl
as she slowly fades away

die die
says her mind
which thinks she's a waste of time

forget forget
says her heart
which tells her to stay strong

fight fight
says her love
which keeps her going along

candles glowing in my room
cheap liquor, smell of perfume
forget-me-nots one of a kind
this is a dream, I'm losing my mind

everything is just an opinion
its all blood stained freedom
people think they know
in reality, everything is faux

I know in my head
our most terrible fate
you will be filled with hate
and a broken bond
will never mend
ever again

Your lips burn
Kisses ****
All of these
Give me a thrill

I think theres only
one thing left to say
"goodbye dear,
I will never see you
ever again
have no fear
for this is my last day"

as it barreled toward us
in brilliant white elegance
I yelled but felt nothing--
I couldn't help but think

I am okay with dying

slick white tile
I crash again
water droplets run from my hair
to my feet
and swirl down the drain
in one last hoorah

No matter how much I scratch
rub or claw
the **** that surrounds my skin
will never come loose

down the drain goes
my love for people
my trust in you and
thoughts and feelings
that used to make me smile

someone cleanse me this ick
make me pure again
remove the soil from my heart
and start anew

or turn me into something beautiful
where the dirt remains in my chest
make me a garden
water me, give me plenty of sunshine
and I will forever devote myself
to living, breathing and existing once more

I can't do this anymore
The tears come regularly
And another slash is added to
the final score,
the final tally.

We are already at
one too many,
overflowed,
full and plenty.

I can't move on,
I just can't seem to get a grip,
I really can't forget,
you flood my mind--
fill my gaps--
And without you,
I slowly collapse.

A tight knit room
all the fog, all the gloom
gasses start to swirl and dance
putting all that witness,
in a trance

vision fogs, body tingles
in a room, no one mingles
the world is fading at last
its all spinning and moving
way too fast

Here I come,
here I come,
to the land of the free
and the numb.

I dont have anything

anymore

everyone left me

to rot

they all just forgot

that I existed

how could this happen

again

I thought things were..

I thought things were..

improving

and now all I have are tears,
plenty of fears

and a heart full
of broken promises

love is an earthquake
let me cry, let me shake

let me just sit and wait
for that day to break

leave me here darlin’
and don’t ask where I’ve been

because I won’t tell you
it’s not business you can attend to

keep away, please leave
I just need time to grieve

I guess you could say I'm still confused,
Confused and aching inside,
My heart beats for one, two and three,
but cant beat for four, five, or six
It's hard to stay optimistic,
Or to retain my certain glow,
But I surely can't keep up,
And I'm losing control

Falling apart into pieces
is what I do best,
but I keep enough of myself--
to hold others together.
My love never dies,
I never leave,
and I seem to care--
way too much.
I stay alive for others,
never myself,
because I am useless--
while plenty still have a chance.
to become beautiful
If I am the guide,
so be it--
I will direct and influence,
until they become--
the truest forms of themselves.
Because I want to be able to say
"I was a part of their life"
and if I die knowing that,
I know that my lives work--
will have been completed.

I know this happens often
To suddenly be tossed away
And forgotten
Stopped before completion,
Left to rot, and then readily,
Crumbles to pieces
Only to be swept to the side
I know what it feels like to be lonely,
Sad, broken hearted and led to my demise
Let me cry and sob and thrash
I know this time I wont last
Leave me be, just please leave me
At this point, nothing will complete me

She feels empty
Every morning
Every night
It seems like things
Will never be right


Her life is crooked
Her love has faded
Nothing she does
Is ever appreciated

Kicked aside
To the curb
No one cares
if she’s lonely or hurt

They just laugh, point and stare
It’s not like she really cares
She’s the odd one out,
The freak of the crowd

To them she’s just another joke
They wont allow her to be close
An outcast is she
Never to be free

She sees only one way out
The way that cowards take
A bullet to the brain
A knife in her side
Standing in front of a train

All she wants is the pain to subside

Water my veins,
keep it flowing fresh--
help put me to rest.
Refresh my memory,
make sparks fly--
so I stay alive.

It was cold, terrifying, numbing
Exhaust gathered in the moonlight
Sighs echoed for eternity
A fogged mind, and misted sight
Snow crunched under my soles
My fingers and toes all froze
To keep going, it took all my might

I'm wandering to stay away
Trying to forget before I combust
There is no one left that I can trust

They're all gone, and I'm frozen.

blue sky clouds fog
it wont ever clear
I thought You were mine
things are so clear
-    -    -    -    -    -    -
The Future?

"I dont know"
.
"I really don't"
..
"I can't say"
...
"I'm scared"
....
The gap grows
                                  and grows
                                                           ­   and grows.....
less of love
less of feeling
less of believing
......
more of lies
more of doubt
more of lonely nights
.......
loss of ties
loss of belief
loss of saying
........
"you're mine"
.........
fog clouds sky blue
things are so clear
You thought I was yours too
nothing will ever clear
-    -    -    -    -    -    -

My dear, my love..
Were you sent from above?

I swear I saw you
Float down to the ground
And laid there until I found,
You in the midst of the night

Covered in moss,
Your eyes glossed,
And skin like thin glass

Hair as fine as silk,
Now filled with filth
And body smeared with ****

You cried and you shook
Wailing, with no intention to stop
Not saying what made you sob
You remain silent still to this day

And I just want to wipe your tears away

Your beauty is substantial,
Your mind so fine,
But you wont speak to me
So you can't be mine

oh I want to
oh yes that buzz
that insatiable hunger
to be something other
than myself

to be numb--
tingly,
odd,
funny,
dumb,
and lost.

I want to be lost.

I want to be found.

But which is it?

I guess you'll have to find out.

I picked up her body,
covered in white,
she was still warm,
and lost to my sight,
heat diffused into the air,
soon she'd be as cold as stone,
this just isn't, not one bit, fair

“I don’t want to look, I can’t look”
I repeatedly say as her heaviness weighs down my hands--
And my poor broken heart is guilty and lost
I package her up, swiftly and respectfully
Saying my last goodbyes to her cold dead ears
I will miss you, I will love you
And I promise I will never ever forget you

I really ****** it up this time
there's nothing much
I can really say
except that I'm truly sorry
and I wish for you to stay

1 2 3 4

I dont like you anymore

5 6 7 8

eat ****

healthy and sane
nothing to gain

playful and fun
but actually shunned

what to do
what to do
when you don't have a clue

                         ~
the light at the end of the tunnel
is far away past the struggle

and I don't know if I have enough left
to take the journey and make it to the end

I watch fly
every house,
on every street
by and by.
will be ours
paved tile,
lazy swings,
wild flowers.
a little roof
up and up
down to every
little glass cup.
mixed mugs,
a bedroom for two
walls painted
green, purple, blue.
this is true
any place
your face
my home is you.

Have you ever known self-starvation?
That pang in your side,
the empty feeling in your stomach.
Have you ever felt that?

Then don't tell me I'm wrong.
It's addicting, believe it or not,
so don't you dare tell me to stop.

It's not that easy for me to just bite, chew, swallow,
because later I will be the one in pain,
and wallowing in my own sorrow.

I look in the mirror,
at my distorted reflection,
and say "I'm not there yet".
And I keep trying, I have been,

for five years.

So don't tell me,
to just quit it
because honey
I can't.
I'm a slave to my own ambitions.

I feel cheated,
walking through-
this sticky heat
where are you?
how you could say
you're still there
I won't see you
any other day
stop saying that
you don't mean it
I feel cheated.

I do bad things
just like you
I wish people knew
or had a clue

what the **** I am going through

temporarily inept
my heart leaves
my chest

dust on the floor
I cant feel it
no more

empty am i
synonym for lack
my wings are broken
i can no longer fly

shot mid air
i made a decision
to fall
this is unfair

we danced and kissed in the rain
and suddenly everything was okay

in that moment time was paused

I will be waiting for the day
that we can forget the world
and press play--
in order to dance again
to that lazy, beautiful sway

All I can think about,
are those words you left downtown--
on the paved walkway where we frolicked.

I want to return there,
so those few words can be found--
I want to hear them roll off your tongue.

Slowly my brain will churn and think of a response,
a response that may be easy, or it may not--
and you thought I would have forgotten.

No way,
and someday--
we will go retrieve them.

keep my bleeding heart wide open
warm tears beat on this cold bed
your soft sunrise hair smells like summer

keep me alive in this cold room
warm and bundled safe from the gloom
your soft rose lips taste like winter

keep me aching to say I love you
warm and content in my pasture
your soft glow feels like spring

bleed out
the crimson that stains
won't wash out
can't complain

leave me here
on fake tile
still convulsing
for a while

pain, pain
is going to stay
until you--
make it go away

I can't help me
neither can  you
oh here it comes,
here comes the blues

it sticks, it stains
red and true
brown and purple
green and blue

hold me tight
intertwine my veins
keep the pressure
so my heart stays

home is where
your heart is
mine is not
where it fits

confused,
on what was so true
just me and you
now I haven't got a clue

I am lost
when I'm
with
you

This morning I watched the sun rise
And I couldn't help but think of you--
While it lingered low in the sky--
You were all that was on my mind.

I surrendered to the demon
that resides in my broken heart
even though I thought
my struggle was over

Today I stared at you longingly,
our eyes met and yet --
I couldn't look away.

My saddened eyes conveyed,
what words could not say.

I wanted to memorize your face,
in case--
I wouldn't see you the next day.

There are only a few things that make me feel alive
The pang of hunger
The feel of summer
And your fingers intertwined with mine

A breath of fresh air
The sweet nectar in the breeze
Birds singing in the morning dawn
Warm pavement on slippery feet

The dew in the grass,
The leaves on the tress,
The wind through my hair
And the sound of the bees

Your eyes locked with mine
Quiet noise and long stares
Staying up all night,
Not giving a care

The sound of the moon
The tide coming to shore
The crickets in the thickets
My heart is no more

I faded away, back in May

Days were short, nights were long

Nothing was where it belonged

You were there, so was I

I guess things just went awry

I am gone, you are too

No wonder I am feeling so blue

goodbye goodbye,

its time to no longer try

Midnight rain
starts again
flashes strike
thunder remains

to shake my bones awake

Midnight rain
turns to day
sparkling clear
droplets here

to keep my brain there

Midnight rain
starts again
lights flash
bedazzled night

come to take us to light

Impenetrable mist,
A fog so thick,
I lost myself in you,

I grew and grew,
Sprouted my roots,
And sauntered into the gloom,

I see your shape slowly fade,
Gradual, painful, oh how-
The mist overcame you,

Swallowed you up,
Cozy and tight,
It the dark midst of the night,

I searched and searched,
To see you again,
Under the street-light,

Where we first met,
First loved,
And first saw the night,

For what it was,
What it is,
And what it’s meant to be,

This fog will never clear,
You fade away,
And I slowly decay,

Into the mist,
Into the dark and cold,
Wishing and waiting,

For the time I see you again.

You talk to someone special
And you act like I don't exist
What we have had at the past few weeks
Has just suddenly disappeared

"I really do not understand you"
You tell me this everyday
And I say
"I don't know what to do"

You ask why I say that
But really is that
That hard to figure out?
Think about it

I don't know what to do
About you
With you
With myself

You confuse me with
All these mixed messages
I cannot understand
What you're telling me through your actions

I wish you could say what you feel
Or even give me some kind of clue
That I am doing things right
Or utterly wrong

Once I know you do not want me
I will give up and forget you
And forget everything
That I have ever felt

I was so sure that this was it
I finally found someone that
I truly loved and admired

But I guess my mind made up our story
Just like the past few
My mind makes these dream-like realities
Where I do not know what is real or false

I am sorry for anything that you now regret
I am sorry for everything I did to you
I am truly sorry for being stupid enough
To believe you.

I guess this is it
I lie here heartbroken
While you go on unscathed
Am I overreacting, or is it you.

I woke up from the rain
For two hours I remained
In my bed thinking
In my own thoughts I am sinking

Over and over this thought comes to mind
What did I do this time?
Did I make a mistake,
Or is this guilt fake?

I feel like I hurt you
What have I come to..

Have I turned into a monster?

Wondering and waiting, sitting and watching
Am I not aware of what I am causing?
I keep a watchful eye on you, but still I am clueless
What are you thinking, I know wondering is useless

What the hell am I going to do
I just want our bond to be renewed
Please don't hate me
But this is what I foresee

I am so scared that I ******* this up
Please go on your way, and I wish you luck
For I am truly sorry for the pain I caused
And for now everything is paused