What did I do to get those stares?

Why do you guys look at like I'm a freak.

They whisper and stare at me when I Board the bus.

I'm just like you guys.

I came back for the Love of the Sport.

Not to be a Nuisance.  

I came because I love the sport. I don't care if I don't play.

So Please don't give me the look why am I here?

and Ignore me like I'm not there.

I know I got cut from the team. I know I don't have my Serve.

I know I seem weak.

Like I can't do my Job.

But I'm trying my Hardest.

I want to please you guys.

I want you to see that I'm here to help.

The stares and whispers are breaking me.

I'm going to have a breakdown.

Because I know you guys don't want me there.

I know why Stick around somewhere where you aren't wanted?

I want to show them I care enough. That I am strong enough.

I Just wish that's how they saw me.

My parents left late at night
Driving to my mom's parent's house
I feared for the worse
That I would lose my poppy
Never in my wildest dreams would I think I'd lose you
There is so much I want to say
To do with you
You promised you'd teach me to drive
A promise I still hold to you
but now you are gone
I know you are proud of me
I will try to keep my head up high
I love you so much
I know you will forever be looking out for me
As you soar above the clouds
And goof around with the rest of the family
I love you dearly
and I know I didn't see you a lot
I know work was important
You will forever be my fun cool Uncle
And I will always share the stories of you I have
Rest in Peace Uncle Adam
Heaven has gained another angel

You say you care but you don't
You say you listen but you are not
You all go to her and tell me that I must feel bad for her
Because mine is not like hers
I can function and do things she can't
But the truth is  push myself because I know I won't be heard
My anxiety came back and all I am is ignored
When she and he passed away I was ignored
I got no help to cope with their deaths
You always assume I can handle it
WELL OPEN YOUR EYES!!! I CAN'T
You make me do everything she can't and it is breaking me inside
Ignored because I silently get destroyed inside instead of it being loud
I hide it all because no matter what you are too blind to see
That your other daughter needs help too
I can't keep living like this. One day I'll break
And there will be no chance in getting me back.

Dear Volleyball team,
I may seem snooty,
I may seem stuck up,
But in reality I am anxious,
and here's the reason why.
For my whole life I have been like this
afraid to speak my mind
Your stares don't help
the walls between us makes my anxiety grow more
I know I'm quiet
I know I'm shy
I can't help it
It's just how I was born
How my mind was made up

Why did you have to leave?

Why did you have to go?

Did I do something wrong?

I Just want to Know

My whole Life I wonder this

As everyone one by one fades out of my Life

Some Stay with good intentions

Those are the ones I can trust

But You have to give your Trust first

In order to see who will Stay

and They always take Pieces of me when they Leave

Parts I can Never get back.

That's when the People who stay'd with me

When I was falling apart

When I was at my worst

Help try and rebuild me back together

with the New Pieces and parts we have created Together.

If you like me too,hold on to me, because I need somebody to fix me. I know I'm asking a lot but I need somebody to show that they will stay.
If you don't like me just tell me I'm already broken so what is a few more cracks.
I'm fragile but tough I can handle somebody I like leaving me again.
I'm used to it. Nobody ever stays.
Nobody ever cares so please just tell me the truth
I can handle the heart break. I'm used to it.

I'm still standing even though  you are gone
Today is my 16th birthday and I miss you so much
I wish you were around because I don't know what to do
you said when I turned 16 you'd take me to get my belly button pierced
Even though I was against you still pushed and pushed
Because I was like a third daughter to you
I was like family
And you were my second mom
I miss all the times we had
And now I am alone
I miss you so much
But When asked How I'm doing since you passed
I'll say the three words you always said with a Smile
" I'm Still Standing"

Sitting on her dorm room bed
Three feet from the floor
Not quite happy
But not quite sad
She wants to feel the ache in her bones
The hatred she has for herself
She wants that to come back
she doesn’t want to feel ok
Cause she’s not
Trying to make that decision
To walkout in the middle of the night
While her room mate sleeps
And to never come back
She’s ok right now
But she wants that sadness
The depression to fill her bones
She wishes she could pull the metaphorical trigger
And not live
Oh how she aches
To just want to not be ok anymore
Because when you’re not ok
You feel alive
Or at least she does
It’s terrible beast
She hates when she’s ok but hates when she’s sad
She just wishes she could not exist
That would be her ultimate goal
She types this in the dark as her roommate drifts off to sleep
I know cause that girl is me

There once was a small girl
She always had a smile on her face
No matter what happened nothing seemed to phase her
Then one day that smile faltered
She had a monster in her brain
No one knew that something was wrong
Then one day it turned to hell
People noticed her weight loss
People noticed her flighty look during lunch
No one knew she was going through pain
All because  of one day
They forced her to eat
They forced her sit
They didn’t realize all this was a monster’s doing


People’s life stories are not what they seem
People like you and me each hold something hidden
Deep inside our heart
This world is becoming more self centered
Girls must be skinny
Guys must be Manly
The world forces us to be a certain way
Heartbreak is common
Calories must be counted
A smile must be across everyone’s face

Fast forward that Little girls life
She’s a 7th grader now
School is fine
She likes her classes and her teachers are great
But there is a voice in her head saying she will never be good
People telling her that wasn’t true
Her best friend turning on her
Her brain confused
What did she do?
How can she fix this
Then terrible news comes upon her ears
Her best friend’s mother and step father are gone
Two people who she loved so much
Two people who had a special place in her heart are now gone
Now she must deal with Grief at 13 years old
Life felt empty felt meaningless for that girl

People’s life stories are not what they seem
People like you and me each hold something hidden
Deep inside our heart
This world is becoming more self centered
Girls must be skinny
Guys must be Manly
The world forces us to be a certain way
Heartbreak is common
Calories must be counted
A smile must be across everyone’s face

A few years later she’s now a freshman
Life has become weird without them in her life
She now has a new best friend one that treats her right
Yet there is this feeling that she can’t shake
Why must the world hate
She hears the rumors the things they say
Her brain agreeing with them
She know she’ll never be perfect
Soon she begins to feel hate towards her
She can do nothing right
Her sun is now dark
Covered by clouds
She thought that she might never feel the light again
That monster was now back but in a different form

People’s life stories are not what they seem
People like you and me each hold something hidden
Deep inside our heart
This world is becoming more self centered
Girls must be skinny
Guys must be Manly
The world forces us to be a certain way
Heartbreak is common
Calories must be counted
A smile must be across everyone’s face

As the Years go on That little girl learns how to deal
That monster never letting her escape
Whispering sweet nothings into her ear
To keep her in his Grasp
She keeps silent to protect those around her
Stress is always with in her
It’s surprising she hasn’t been hospitalized yet
The Strongest of Hearts are always the Most Broken
The Saddest of people always cheer others up
But No one ever notices that she falls in love with this monster
Her life would be meaningless without him
Just like Romeo and Juliet this is a Tragedy from the Beginning
Lost in her world no one can shake her awake
Soon she will disappear into the Darkness with her new found Lover
The only person to know the real her

People’s life stories are not what they seem
People like you and me each hold something hidden
Deep inside our heart
This world is becoming more self centered
Girls must be skinny
Guys must be Manly
The world forces us to be a certain way
Heartbreak is common
Calories must be counted
A smile must be across everyone’s face

Now this little girl is almost all grown up
Almost 17 starting to drive
She’s been on an uphill battle
But she won’t fail
That monster still lives with in her
Not letting her escape
But She knows how to control him
But sometimes he becomes powerful again
And takes over her mind
It’s a rocky path from here on out
But she won’t lose to someone who is so shallow
That he doesn’t have the guts to come out
Cause That Little girl is me
I have the wounds from all my battles
And I’m trying to win this battle
In a war I never asked to join

I wrote about you today
I wrote about how I wish you were here
I'm reading a book and a character reminds me of you
So much that it hurts to read
I miss you
I wrote about you today
I wrote about how I wish I could say goodbye
Then maybe I wouldn't have felt so guilty
I miss you so much
One of the people that read it said it was their personal favorite
It was a dream of mine
He said that it was his personal favorite
I miss you so much
I think about you everyday
I wrote about you guys today
I wish I could have gotten one more hug
One more kiss
One more day
Before you vanished

Thank you
Thank you for putting up with me
for being nice to me
for including me in everything you do.
Thank you for listening to me
and assuring that you will help
the truth is I'm scared
I'm scared I might fail you
You guys have great personalities and I wish I could be the same
you aren't afraid of anyone
Thank you for assuring the teacher that
you would help me
and telling him that you would take care of me
The group makes me anxious to the point where
I want to throw up
but you guys crack the jokes you do and help ease
my awkwardness
and to that I say Thank you.

I can't believe it will almost be three years.
I am not ready to say those words
because If I were to say goodbye I may never see you again
I wish I were there
I wish I knew what was going on
so maybe you'd be here still
and my life would be different
Everyday I walk the Hallways
Strong and resilient
My heart is Ironclad
Because of the Goodbye that was never said
to either of you
I never wanted to say Goodbye
And I never did
I never will hear your voices again
Or the smiles you gave me
I only have my memories left
Which I keep locked away in my heart

You may think I'm lying
just seeking attention
This condition I have not known to many
until I tell them
People scoff at me and say yeah right
or just stay silent  not believing a word I have said
But my condition is real
I can assure you that
I did not make it up for my enjoyment or yours
I don't like when people test me on what I can and can not handle
What triggers me and what does not
Sure my triggers are uncommon
But that doesn't mean they aren't valid
I dislike the need of having to puke and passing out because someone couldn't keep their mouth shut
I know everyone has the freedom of Speech but please don't look at me like my condition is invalid because you have never heard of it

Today you left this world not afraid or alone
but happy and no longer in pain. I miss you so much.
I miss your voice, your laugh
I miss your Hugs ,your Smile
I miss the scolds I miss the Yells
I miss the giggles , I miss the late Night Movies
I miss your Tilapia, I miss the Goodnight Kisses,
I miss everything we did together
I know you aren't in any pain anymore
You fought hard and long
I just wish we had a few more years on this earth Together
You were my second Mother
Someone I trusted
You were tough and beaten
But that smile never left your Face
When asked how you were you'd always reply
" I'm still standing." That was always your reply.
You were my Inspiration.

You tried to Kick Cancer's ****
You gave it a run for its money
Just when we thought you won
Cancer hit back harder
It was a hit you couldn't recover from
You checked into the hospital
Thinking you'd come out
You never checked out
I never said my Goodbye
Or how much I loved you
It's been two years since you left this earth
I've stayed this strong
I miss you every day
My Tears are real and full of Love
I know you can't come back physically
But spiritually you are with me
You will forever Be in my Heart
Love and Miss you
Mrs.Polesovsky ( Jeannie)
From your Bella Bean

I become my self when I am alone
when it is late at night when I am studying for that test
or finishing homework
or a Last minute Article
That is when I reflect on all that I do
I wonder about others
and how they are doing
I always try and make a plan for the next day
so I don't mess it up
People don't realize how hard it is to be me
How much I do behind the scenes so everyone can have fun
They will never know how stressed I am at night behind closed doors

Today I got my license
and this year also marks the 4th year
without either of you
When I was practicing
I drove by your house
The house I called a Home
for 3 years of my life
It was in shambles
The vines I knew that would cause trouble
have overgrown and blocked the stairs up into the house
The grass is overgrown
and Mother nature is taking back what once was hers

I saw his truck
parked in its usual spot
but there was a hole
where her car should be
Tears pricked at my eyes
to see the house I called my second home
to be like this
Overgrown and forgotten by the family
that once lived there

You tried to keep me in your life
even when your daughter tried to throw me away
Because to you
I was never your daughter's friend
but I was a family member from a different family

I wish I could show you my achievments
Hear your voice again
I wish I could go back in time to
when I was happy with just
laying around
and not having to worry about life

Some days I am good
Others I am breaking down
I know I am Amazing
But her Voice her piercing voice hurts my heart
Her words wound me
Saying things in my ear that isn’t true
Many people have her in different forms
To me she’s a tall woman with a pointy nose
Her long black hair wild and she has pale skin with piercing dark wild brown eyes
She has a sword of words and a shield of Lies
She always points out what is wrong in her resonating voice
She was horrible this year
Each day is a battle with her
Internally. No one can see or feel her but me.
Sometimes I win my battle with her other times I lose.
I’m Lucky I have others to help fight her along side me.
Thank you to everyone.

I wonder if I were to disappear
Who would miss me?
Who would live their lives without me? Who would search for me?
Who would forget me?
I wonder who in this world cares about me?
I just wonder who cares sometimes.

16 years ago many woke up not knowing this day would be their last
coworkers, Friends, Couples, Brothers, Sisters, All lost in the Rubble
The Attacks left us scared and afraid
But We banded together to show the ones who wanted to break us that we won't back down
It is hard to think that on a normal day that the news that Mommy or Daddy wouldn't come home
had to be given to young children
It is hurtful to think that there are people out there  that want to hurt us
It is scary that there are people who won't even remember the day and the events that took place simply because they weren't alive.
But Today we remember the Events that happened that changed the course of history
In Our Eyes
Forever

I am terrified of what my age has become
Calling the weridos Gay because they don't fit in
Calling their friends whes and Fkboys because of their genders
they say everything is Stigma free but look around
It sure isn't
I am terrified my Anxiety might show and I'll have to just brush it off
as those who look at me weird because of this illness
My Grade doesn't understand that words can hurt
They say oh words don't hurt the tone  does
But A man can scream at a woman" You're a S**T!" or can say it Monotoned
Both sentences will hurt that woman the same
Those kids laughed when 13 reasons why came out
Not grasping that the show was specifically for them
That people feel this way and that it isn't some comedy act

They don't understand why my voice stutters whenever I speak
Or that my hand writing is bad because of my weak hands
To them all I am is a weird girl who cried during a project because of something I lived through

I am terrified of what my grade has become
That they have lost all common sense
They say no one is born equal but they won't even try to help
They just laugh at those who seem different
And it is stupid

They make fun and harass those who aren't like them
and the Administration turns a blind eye
Saying Oh boys will be boys or that they were only just having fun
Well you know what you can have fun and not make someone cry for  your own pleasure

I'm terrified of what my Grade has become because soon they won't realize what they are doing is wrong
I stress that I won't ***** up that my grades are good that I make a good impression
My Grade says they have stress
But They don't know what real stress is until you are sick from the stress you have
They don't know what real stress is until you can't think back to a time that you ever relaxed
They don't know what real stress is until you have realized you haven't eaten all day because you were too busy worrying about that grade you got on the insignificant quiz  

I am Terrified about my grade because soon we will be adults and they will not be able to know right from wrong

Today we lost someone Brave and Strong
Someone just like you
Why Is Cancer a horrible beast
that takes away someone's child
Please take him in your Arms and show him the ropes
Show him how loved and missed he his
I miss you so much and this death just hurts me more
But I need to be strong just like you
I can't believe we lost him to the same disease we lost you
But hey Just like you always said
I'm Still standing
and I will show you
How strong I am
Just like you

The pain of my secret is too much to bear but I shall keep it for all will despair.
I hold this burden to keep their smiles for if they would know their lives would collapse
All that they have known that it is just a lie why would I show them that much pain when I could protect them from it under my wing. I know that it’s wrong but why should I let their naive minds know how scary the world is

They laugh and play as I fake a smile  my happiness crumble at the seams They are all deaf to my screams as I hide my pain
The world spins round but mine is stopped
with the weight of my secret
it hurts to breathe it hurts to move


I’m like a statue in place
sworn to this spot for all eternity
My burden is too much to bear
But I swear if I let them down
all my demons will fly around
and terrorize them til they fall


Why did I accept my fate
why didn’t I fight
I did it to protect the naive.
the weak
the clueless

I hold this secret to protect me.

What made you special?
What made you normal? Is it that you are straight?
That you are heterosexual?
What is normal to you?
People who are straight that Identify with the gender that they were born with?
What makes you king? What makes you better than them?
Huh? Nothing
We are all equal human beings that everyone is blind to.
Being normal is what makes people comfortable not what society thinks Normal should be.
It doesn't matter on sexuality.
Yes it is true that God said those things about homosexuals
But i think he'd rather be happy with us not killing people over something so trivial.
What does it matter to you that they live like that?
It isn't interfering with your life.
So stop doing the same thing with theirs.
They are normal human beings just like us
and it is time we start treating them like that.
What makes you think you are high up on that podium like a King?

Dear person I hate,
You must have done something horrible if I hate you because there aren't many I hate.
I may be annoyed at you right now and hate you but I never hate someone for the rest of my life
I always forgive people. It is a flaw I have.
You only live once so why hold a grudge.
But you must work with me. If I turn away at first let me cool down
Time will settle things
I know that. And if I truly don't forgive you
That means you have ******* up because as much as I try to keep people in my life
If I see it won't work i will stop chasing.

So dear person I hate. Just give me time. I'll come around.

Sincerely,
            Arabella

A place where it doesn't matter who I am
What words I put on the paper
How I feel or what I mean
Whether it be hidden or clear
I don't have to rhyme
Follow a strict set of rules
A place where I can get all my feelings out
It is like a yellow flower in the middle of a field of cotton plants
Unique in its own way
The only one of its kind
I don't have to worry about anything being right
because no matter what I write it right to me

It is a freeing art
An art where my tears can form words
and the sorrow and grief I am feeling can paint a picture to the reader
It can produce warmth like a fire on a winter's day
The delicate lace that shrouds my heart
when I am feeling most down
lets me to freely write how I am feeling without
the thought of another
It is one art that no matter what
Practice can never make perfect
It is something that is different to everyone
No matter how much one can try
There is no box to conform to

Stumbling upon this art years ago
I look back and smile
Thanking past me
for walking into that meeting
Seeing the faces around that table and taking a timid step forward
That little, timid, shy step is what unlocked this great art
In my life and for that I am thankful

So many things are in my head
Yet I don't know how to write them
Inspiration and misery are both inseparable
How I wish I could be sane
But everything is too much
I don't know what to say or do
I don't know where to go
Just please someone help me
Before it is too late

You have no idea how much I keep to myself
no idea how much I stay silent
I keep to myself because I know you're busy
Because you have more important things in your life happening
You're going off to college soon
Studying for those tests
You have no idea how much I want to reach out to you
Just to talk like we used to
Or how I thought like we used
It might have been one-sided
But I can't remember because every time I talked with you my sadness went away
You don't realize how happy you make me
Next year when you won't be in school
It will be sad
But maybe that will be for the best
Because I know you're busy and you don't have the time like you used to for me
Not saying goodbye but maybe see you later
Maybe just maybe when you go off to college you'll see how important I really was in your life
Or maybe you'll realize that you're better off without me
I want to talk to you so badly that was happening in my life but I know you're busy so I keep it to myself
So have fun in college make some music and some friends
And hopefully you'll text me when you wanna talk for just because

I just sit there and think as they laugh and choose others to talk to over me.
I just think there and think when will I become someone’s number one
And only one word comes to mind
Never

The Year has come to an end. No more time for laughter and fun for we must graduate and practice is ahead
There will be tears and maybe a laugh or two. Saying goodbye to those we once knew.
People we were friends with going to different schools. But we won't say goodbye. That would mean the end. We'll say See you later in hopes it really might come true.
There will be Yearbook signing and hugging our favorite teachers. Cleaning out our lockers laughing at the things we kept for no reason. Turning in late homeworks in hopes it's not too late.
This is the end of middle school but the beginning of a whole new life. We did the same thing for elementary and we'll do the same thing for college. Parting with thoses who helped us grow. And finding those who help us even more. Middle school was fun but I can't stay forever. It's time for me to grow my wings and Fly away into my new life.

Oh how I wish I had someone to hug.
Someone to take my mind off of the things in my life
When I see couples laughing and hugging my heart aches.
But I will never have one. Boys never look at me like that
Never with that twinkle in their eyes
Someone to call just mine
Someone to hug
Someone to laugh
Because no one will ever like me
I've ruined my chances when I was young
Everyone will get married and I'll only be a bridesmaid
I wish someone would love me
Someone who will give their all to me
Someone who cares deeply about me
Someone who likes my smile and knows all my tickle spots
Oh how I wish...

Oh I wish I had a new hobby
I wish I was like others
everyone does such cool things
while I sit on my **** and do nothing
I try to do a hobby, or two but none excite me like they used to
So this is where I ask the people
Please help me with this task
what are somethings you do to help the time pass?

Happiness comes in the smallest of forms
Whether it be by simple words such as hello
or a simple gesture like a hug
Happiness comes when we all least expect it
As if the universe is trying make up for all the bad it has done you wrong

How I wish I were heard
How I wish I were realized
How I wish that you realized my pain
That I feel alone
I feel forgotten
That I'm breaking again
Nobody ever thinks of me
Nobody ever loves me
My life is just a haunted Memory
I'm only a shadow
Because no matter how Hard I wish
They will never come true

The world is a confusing object
How can it spin and we not know
The oceans are a great mystery
One can be so crystal blue the other a dark ominous Blue
Birds of different species all chirping living to come out on top
Everything has a battle with itself
To see who is the best
it can destroy many
And save few

Life is an up hill battle for many and many lose their life because of it.
Many are left to their own devices
and many often Fail
they try so hard but it isn't their chance to shine
Life can be rough when you don't have those by your side
Finding someone that will stay is hard to find
But if you do keep them
Friendship can last a lifetime if properly nourished

Why do those who seem that will stay are the first to leave?
Why do they prey on the weak?
Why did I get my hopes up that maybe you will stay?
Who was I kidding?
Why do I try to make you guys stay when I know you want to leave?
Having you guys was great.
I thought you would stay
But Maybe you'll leave like the rest of them
I just have to wait and see
What will the Fate of Our Friendship be?

How dare you laugh at other people's tears
Here they are sharing what they have been through
and you just sit there laughing at their pain
How dare you laugh at my tears for crying over the fact
that I went through health problems as a kid
or the boy who shared why his Varsity jersey meant the world to him
Here we are sharing the things that we'd never thought we say
just trying to muster up that courage
The words we say are raw
and all you can do is laugh
Because you are a coward
afraid to show that you actually care
Maybe one day you will see how we all really feel
and find out that your actions are ireversable
Don't you dare laugh at one more heartfelt story
because all you are
is someone afraid to feel

Happy
Sad
Confused
Depressed
Lonely
Social
These are all the things I am and always feel
I try and reach out
To get out of my comfort zone
But I can only do so much
When all I feel is unwanted
I see all my 'friends' hang out with one another
but never ask me to do something
why is that?
My anxiety makes me think it's cause they don't want me
They don't like me
My therapist says no it's just that everyone does things with different people
Then how come until I reach out
I will sit alone in my room waiting for that text
inviting me to do stuff with other people