i have anxiety
undiagnosed.

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with crumpled ***** of paper: the things I never said, the things I should have never said, the things that someone never said to me.

all of these things are written on every piece of paper
there are so many right now that no more would be able to fit
yet i can't stop thinking things, i can't stop saying stupid things, i can't stop wishing things.

i sigh I reach up to my forehead and i grasp my bangs
with my shaky hands and pull

i'm hoping one day when i do this
the top of my head will yank open
all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts
will pour out in a pile
on the floor
i will kneel down
and uncrumple each and every piece
i will read each one
until my head fills up again.

I've always been a bird,
Trapped in my little cage.
It's dark and cramped in here,
It feels as though I'm suffocating

I watch the free birds from
Behind my metal bars.

I dream of the day my capturers
Set me free.
The day I may spread my wings.
The day I may fly with the wild ones.

I have the power to break out,
But I'm afraid of the consequences.
All my life I've been told how to live.
To sit and be a nice bird.

I'm getting restless.
I'm getting peckish.

I want to break out,
I have the power.
But I'm so afraid that
My wings won't work anymore,
From the lack of experience.

I'm so afraid that the wild birds
Won't see me as their own.
I don't know how to fit in.
This, my capturers have not taught,
Only how to sit and be a nice bird.
Do what I'm told, what is expected of me.

Well I'm getting peckish.

I want to fly.

Standing amidst solitary darkness,
My heart becomes so empty and less fragile.
Sitting at the foyer of my weakness,
I felt the freedom to forget with agile.
  
I know that the pain in me doesn't last;
And in my heart, I found no sign of cleft.
All of my memories faded and had passed.
Henceforth, there will be no emotions left.

I forgot everything that you've done—
And no, you didn't make me feel dumb.
Now all of my sufferings hath gone.
I just realize that I am numb—

Thou art the reason why my heart is cold,
But now, I am strong and precious as gold.

You walked in
a pool of sharks
knowing where the good fish is
and the plankton floats

You were floating in
a great ocean of possibilities
some so foreign, your eyes dilated
some so familiar you felt elated

You slid next to great whales of knowledge
and shook the tentacles with wise octopi
with strands of experience

You got bitten by piranhas of isolation
and even bled internally from bumping shoulders
with beautiful heartless corals

Then one day you met a seashell and her friend
you marveled at the intricate art of nature
and became friends
this time you had the courage to knock

Not all hard exteriors
reflect tough
personalities

You just
had to
knock

Let me sink another glass of wine
To bring me closer to the divine
I don't mean a God of any kind
(If you're religious I hope you don't mind)
I mean the place inside of me,
Where I know lives good poetry

Don't spend too much time in the sun-
You can get skin cancer and die.

Don't spend too much time in the snow-
You can get frostbite and die.

Don't walk home alone at night-
You could be murdered and die.

Don't you dare follow your dreams-
You could loose a lot of time and money....

In my arms, you belong
but you are so far away.
Tell me: what would you do
if all I asked of you
was to stay.