True fear
It isn't a gun pointed to your head
Or even at your child's
Or your mother's
Or your father's
No
True fear
Is knowing that no matter what I do
No matter what I say
Right now
You are not in my arms
When you need most to be

My life was steeped in darkness
Twisted trees blackly cracked the grey sky
I didn't know there could be such brightness
Until I found that place
That place of colour
And light
And fun
And love
I wanted it
I'd always wanted it
Without even knowing what I wanted
I tried to bring brightness to my twisted world
I strived for so long and so hard
But they couldn't understand
And the brightness was lost to all
Only then did I understand
I was the darkness
The darkness was me
And that was okay
Because the world needs darkness
But it also needs brightness
So I returned to darkness
And let the brightness shine without my corruption
But a little brightness shone in me

There's a person I don't speak about
I try to push them from my mind
But there's a self-control drought
I can't leave the past behind
They introduced me to something dark
Something steeped in despair
And when the knife hit its mark
When I needed help, they weren't there

It began as curiosity
But grew into monstrosity
Now our friendship is spent
All I can do is resent
The person who ruined my life
**Who showed me what you can do with a knife

We used to speak all day, every day
You were my best friend, my sole source of comfort
But now we talk and you get annoyed and I can't help but wonder
Where are we going? What happened to the us that I knew?

There's no time anymore, we're drifting apart
I cling to you like a limpet, you must hate it
I'm sorry all the time and you must be sick of it and I just think
Should I let you go? Should I let you have a life without me?

That's what you must want
Right?
You tell me different
Lies
I'm not stupid
Well
I can see what's happening
Hate
I don't want to be me
Sorry
If 'me' isn't the person you want to be friends with
Fear
I'm so selfish keeping you by me
Be
Free

Sat there, empty and quivering
In your lap, so lost
The girl's heart was pounding so loud
She thought you might hear
Her throat was dry and raspy
Her breaths were short and quick
And sat there, unaware
Your hand was now her full attention
Do it
But I'm scared
Do it
But what if...
Do it
I don't want to be hurt again
Do it

Fingers, intertwined

A little songbird
Once so innocent and free
Now lost, lone, wings clipped
Trudging through the wind and snow
A desolate, ice-locked land

Rant and rave
Scream and shout
You don't know what you're talking about

Screech and yell
Wail and cry
Their flaws are blind to your eye

These people
You worship
Are not gods

And this obsession
You have
Is not healthy

They are flawed
Not perfect
Nobody's perfect

And yet
You rant
And rave

A little girl and a little boy, playing in the dirt  
The girl so eager to please, the boy worried about his shirt
It's alright, I didn't like that mud pie anyway
It's alright, I didn't like that doll anyway
It's alright, I didn't like that coat anyway
It's alright, I didn't like that present anyway
It's alright, I didn't like that music score anyway

But the boy is now something more
Something not-quite-yet a man
The girl, too is on the cusp
Yet still in the palm of his hand
*It's alright, I didn't like that body anyway

In the depths, watching, lurking
Duties to perform, never shirking
Drag them down, to the deep unknown
Drag them down, take their souls
Drag them down, make them pay
Drag them down, while far away
A mother lies
A child cries
For the boy
Oh, so young
Who wanted
To be
A
Pirate

The fridge light spills out onto the tiles
A voice rings out, loud
*Have something healthy if you're going to eat *
A tight smile  Oh no
I'm not hungry at all
A carton, a glass
And the demon in my stomach tries to claw out again

I'm okay, she says as she slices her wrist
I'm fine, she murmurs in between gulps of bleach  
I've never been happier*, she whispers as the light fades from her eyes

Roll it up
Light it up
Send it up
It sends you up
To
Euphoria
Then
Nothing

A little girl, lonely and lost, draws pictures in the sand
Suddenly, a shadow of a little boy falls across her hand
His awkward smile endears him to her
His gentle words weld together
Until they draw in the sand, side by side
Laughing and smiling with care and with pride

But the girl is still lonely, the girl is still lost
The price of her heart comes with a cost
A single confession, on a white screen
Such a thing she could never have foreseen

The little girl tells a tale of sadness and woe
The little boy sits and listens to her lowest low
And then he has his own tale to tell
Of how an angel almost fell

A not-so-little girl, lonely and lost, draws pictures in the sand
Next to a not-so-little boy, with a quivering hand
The hand she takes and folds into her own
At last, she knows, she is not alone

Do you want to talk to me?
Do you even care?
'active now', so says my screen
I know that you're there

Do you think I'm stupid?
Do you think I go too far?
You haven't seen them ever since
I pushed beyond that bar

Do you want to set me boundaries?
Do you think I speak too frank?
I wish you would just answer me
When you didn't, my heart sank

Do you think I need to stop trying?
Do you want to be left alone?
I hate to feel I've upset you
Somehow, again, I'm on my own

We move
We breathe
We eat
We sleep
Like clockwork
We laugh
We talk
We smile
We walk
Like clockwork
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Silence
There's no one to turn the key

There are some people
Who you can't imagine
Ever having a future with
But then there are some
You can see
So clearly
You can imagine them at the top of an aisle
You can imagine them cooking in the kitchen
You can imagine them playing with your children
You can imagine what it would feel like to come home to them
But you never tell them
Because, let's face it
You'd be scared if someone said that to you

My dear we have a week apart
An entire week of not seeing you
You'll be so far away from me
What am I supposed to do?

Perhaps we could do video chat
But then, that would be awkward, knowing us
I worry that we'll grow apart
Despite our growing online buzz

It's not like we don't talk anyway
Through Facebook and our various writing sites
But I love being around you in person
You send my heart rate to dizzying heights

Oh, I'm going to miss you so much
Miss your hugs and awkward looks
Your smiles and your hand in mine
The times we have to pretend we're reading books

I love you, you know this
But I'll say it, even so
And I know you have to do it
But I don't want you to go

If I had one wish
Anything at all
It would be to have the ability
To tell you how I feel
Your words are sweet and gentle
But I can't return them in that way
I'm no good at explaining my emotions
But I can try

You make me so happy
Just seeing your face, your name
You set my heart pounding
When you give me that look, that gaze
Your smile sends shivers down my spine
Your fingers as they dance across a piano
Entrance me to no end
Your face occupies most of my mind
But it's your words I fell in love with
Awkward at first, uncertain, unsteady
Then confident, bold, once you knew where we stood
Then frightened, saddened, as we became unstable
Then sorrowful, astonished, then loving and kind
It's your words I love the most about you

I want to write a poem
To tell you how I feel
I want to write a poem
That plays out like a movie reel
I want to write a poem
That gets stuck in your head
I want to write a poem
But I guess my muse is dead

I don't know how to talk to you without crying
I don't know how to ignore you without dying

Because I worry you

And because I shouldn't

I'm sorry I'm not good enough
I'm sorry I don't get these jokes
I'm sorry I don't know who you're talking about
I'm sorry you have to be friends with me
I'm sorry I'm so clingy
I'm sorry I dump all my problems on you
I'm sorry you have to deal with my 'moments'
I'm sorry I can't help you
I'm sorry you feel obliged to include me
I'm sorry I can't reply right now because of my stupid head
I'm sorry I'm not funny
I'm sorry I pressure you to tell me stuff that's none of my business
I'm sorry I'm so stupid
I'm sorry I'm so insecure
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so, so, sorry

Don't tell me there's a god who loves me
A god who cares about me
A god who accepts me despite my flaws
Don't tell me there are demons in my head
Demons who make me feel this way
Demons who make me like who I like
Don't tell me you accept my sexuality
That you don't mind when I talk about girls too
Because you can't accept it
Unless you acknowledge
It
Is
Part
Of
Me
So don't tell me you wish we were still friends
A friend should never want to change you

A wooden sword and bow
Forgotten, in a cupboard
By a child long lost

I'm screaming
I'm wailing
I'm crying
But you don't hear
I'm begging
I'm sobbing
I'm dying
But you don't hear

You're laughing
You're making fun
You're sneering
Of course I hear
You're shoving
You're tugging
You're jeering
Of course I hear

So deaf are you,
So much I hear
How much has changed
In just one year?

Your skin is softer than silk
Your hair shines like the midday sun
And gazing into your periwinkle eyes
I know that you are the one

One night you finally invite me
Into the place you call home
I shiver with anticipation
As I brush and scrub and comb

But there are bones shoved under the doormat
And blood dripping down from the stair
What horrors I find that night
As I venture into your lair

There are legs hung in your kitchen
Fingers on the dining table
Forever watching eyes on the fireplace
Like some grisly fable

But that is not the worst
Of the torment I endure tonight
As I turn to run from you
You take away my light

There's a knife in my side
As you drag me, so strong
You rip and tear and consume my hide
Until my life is ended like a crash of a gong

Fly away, dragon child,
Away from their lies,
Away from their 'good intentions'
To keep you from the skies.

Escape while you still can,
While you're young and fresh and free.
Don't dally too long or
You'll end up just like me

My wings are clipped by cruel ideals,
Broken by twisted thoughts,
By 'reprentatives of the people'
In their high and mighty forts.

So quickly now, my little one,
Soar on wings of hope.
Something that was scrubbed away from me
Like dirt is scrubbed with soap

I'm the first to arrive in the morning
I'm the last to stay before going home
If I had any choice in the matter
I'd wander, I'd wonder, I'd think while I roam
But the decision has been made for me
That I return to the house in which I reside
Though I smile and laugh and seem happy
Once I walk through the door I've already died
It's a prison of my own making
Filled with isolation and despair
Lethargy so thick you can taste it
A sickly flavour that hangs in the air
My only escape is the wi-fi
The friends whose faces I've never seen
The only people who truly understand me
My real family, behind a computer screen

Dear, You
You who lays claim to someone you have no right to
You who digs up friendships long buried in the earth
You who calls him a traitor for having feelings
You who will never even see these words I write
Yes, You
Get. Off.

Her beauty is astounding
It leaves my heart pounding
I won't bore you with the details
But when she walks past an angel hails

I try to explain this feeling
How she sets my head reeling
But she pushes me away
"Ugly got too close to me today"

She doesn't care that I'm a girl
And she sets my head in a whirl
It's my look she objects to
The cruelty of nature, through and through

Every day I try, I do
To get those thre words out "I love you"
Every day she shows me
The dirt is the only place I can ever be

"Ugly. I'm pretty. You're not."
I don't care a jot
Her hands are filthier than mine
Disinfectant doesn't change a detail so fine

"Ugly. I'm pretty. You can never be."
It's true, I know, as I fall to on knee
She looks perfect but her heart is flawed
There's only one way she can be cured

"Pretty. I'm Ugly. You should be too.
I only do this because I love you
The knife slices through her skin
I hold her frame, so gentle and thin

"I'm Ugly now, you're to blame."
Through her bandages her eyes are aflame
"You were always Ugly, to the core
Be Pretty my love, as never before."

I love you
So much
I live for you
I'd die for you

I love you
In a way
You can't understand
I'd die for you

I love you
I need you
No one else can have you
I'd die for you

I love you
I lust for you
You belong to me
I'd die for you

I love you
But you were with him
If you can't live for me
Then die for me

I'm fuming
I'm angry
I'm ready to explode
At this world
That society seems to condone
Hold me back
Don't let me do it
After all, it's not really worth it
But I want to
I want to smash the face of every ignorant politician
Drop-kick every homophobe and racist
Break the knuckles of every murderer and ******
And when that's done
I want to break the littering fingers
Chop off the chopping arms
Bleach the throats of the bleachers
Then what will be left behind?
The just and the kind
The accepting and the loving
Ready for peace and harmony
All over the world
And me
The violent
Cruel
Heartless
Undeniably
Evil
They wouldn't **** me
The pacifists and the merciful
I'd have to do it myself
Then the ideal world would be born
But I would be dead
And many more people
So I sit and complain
Not really doing anything at all

His sky will never be blue
His clouds will always be grey
His air will always be ash
These visions won't go away
His eyes will always be haunted
His friends will never come back
The war man limps along the road
His possessions in his sack

He sees their agony in the water of the duck pond
He hears their screams in the teenagers playing songs
He smells their burning flesh in the vegetable aisle
What has been done to his friends, what wrongs?
He feels their cold skin on the kitchen tiles
He tastes their blood in the food he eats
The war man remembers those who once were
Their downfall after talk of heroic feats

My mind is a minefield of destitution and despair
My brain is a jungle with poison in the air
Filled with serpents that hiss and spit
Venomous words disguised as wit

My feelings are a tune with every wrong chord
My heart is a patient in a hospital ward
Bandaged and broken, bruised and battered
Every soft part torn, every hard part shattered

My anguish is a balloon growing ever more large
My pain is a fire with a millennia of charge
Consuming my thoughts until nothing remains
Until there's smoke in my lungs and ash in my veins

My smile is an illusion to make me seem strong
My laugh is a scream that just comes out wrong
Nobody questions my joyful guise
They leave me to wallow under my dark skies

You left me
And it's not like I care
Cause I don't
I just wish
You hadn't
I don't want you to come back
But I don't want you to have left
You should have been there
Why weren't you?
Did you love me?
No
If you had
You wouldn't have gone
But you at least stayed two years
Did you love me
For those two years?
If you came back
I'd hate you
But if you'd stayed
I'd love you
You shouldn't have left
Because now
You've lost your chance
To ever be loved by me again
All those years
Not knowing
Why you left
Then the moment
I realised
I wasn't worth it
I'll never forgive
Never forgive
Never
Forgive
The wound is old now
But it still hurts
When I see your name
Where it doesn't deserve to be
On my birth certificate