Life began as an embryo
boldly kicking and screaming
relishing in the first crucial gasp of air
"What a beautiful girl!"
Your father cried.

Little did we know
seventeen years later,
razor blades would find out your soft skin
gliding like scissors on gift wrap
smoothly, elegantly.

Scattered on our ocean blue bathroom tiles
your crimson blood stains.
Redness
thickness
the bubbling of your blood.

Seconds before you slice
the advice of your so-called best friend flashes
"Cut vertically"
She whispered.
"They can't sew that up"

Mother's instinct knew
you didn't want to die.
The mess you were in on the rough cold tiles
pleading "Mum! Mum! I'm so sorry"
You sliced horizontally.

18 months on
one psychiatrist
87 therapy sessions
endless tears
and a bottle of pills in our medicine cabinet.

The days that the golden sphere of the sun shines,
out of my grass green eyes
are the days that turn into evenings
and my head is on my pillow
and all I want is noise!
I want the loud traffic jamming horn beeping,
Wind howling family shouting noise!
The calming chaos of sound to help me fall into a deep sleep.

The days that my mind explodes,
foggy grey cluster of clouds take over.
I am no longer a person.
I am defined by the bustle of thoughts
that race around inside my mind,
like a racecar determined to reach the finish line,
but my mind is no finish line.
My mind is no longer in my possession.

That day,
the fog clouds over
my head is once again on that pillow,
all I ask for is silence.
The silencing of my mind.
The silencing of the four walls trapping me in.
I’ll do anything for silence,
The soft soothing silence.

in doing, I am done
I've been slow burned by thighs
I've been followed by thumbs
you
erase me from my path
I knew something
I knew something
I just didn't know you
sudden existence
sudden power
I am not a slingshot's rock
I am her aim

all the land is grey
day after day
night after coming

you
who is you
what is this
you: like brandy
like honey
you burn going down my throat
and I need it
up and down and inside, behind
I counted your knuckles with my head pressed breathless into that pillow
you make math feel good
you made deep seek deeper

lets be dogs and you can lock yourself inside  of me next time. you can decide again when to leave.

are we leaves ?
always leaving
you the beast
and me a tree
climbed in & you fed from me
the last tooth to sink that way
& I will have to die toothless now without it

you you
again & again
like seasons
like summer
you came after I've sprung
now, what's done is did and what's left must be wrung out to quench thirst; let us not be wasteful.

instilled & in bloom
I watched you turn every rose the right color
you walk past the cherry tree and she fills your pockets
red
red
we are stained now

tell me how to have you and I'll have it

& your name
my favorite taste
reminds me of Florida in May
simplicity on heat
& always wet

I'd like to think I'm alone in the world,
Because when I realise I'm not the only one who's hurting,
I feel horrified that there are so many,
There's no beauty in numbers,
When you read the reason it's for,
Don't you feel a little sick?
There's many of us dying,
worse yet, we're the ones with the **gun.