I guess I forgot where time stood
since it doesn't stand at all
it waits in your lungs and laughter
sitting deep within each fall
each exhale on your lips
in the moment right before a kiss
didn't realised how much I missed
for time to stand once more
Here we are again
And I selectively choose to say we
Referring to myself
As I am indisputably infatuated with myself
Endeavoured by the sound of my own voice
Turned on by my reactions
Reactions that you stimulate but I congratulate myself for reacting in the appropriate manner
I am a planner
If I practice in the mirror my ****** expressions long enough I can plan her
Analyse and evaluate through clenched teeth
I am a circle where the ends don't meet
In reflection, perhaps it is the product of my inability to connect fuelled alongside my desire to be included. I learnt how to be human. I read books on how to be human. I analysed and studied the reactions of those around me. I fixed and tweaked myself. Now when I feel something, I have no idea if it is the real thing from either party included: one falling for a constructed personality and the other playing a part.
"I've noticed something about you;
a consistency in your attitude;
a frequency in you--"
the words in her mouth for a moment
before completing the comment.
"You are always waiting for everyone to leave you."
Conversation with a friend.
Sometimes I cry so terribly that I have to stop myself before I **** myself
Just those moments when
I ebb into a saturation of grieving
I let myself
Unintentionally let myself
Until it’s difficult to draw breath because my throat is trying to follow my tears by retching itself from my chest
Always in front of a mirror
And while I watch my body tear itself apart I lock away the image and analyse the show
I’m at a theatre
And I’m performing
Practicing a part
And I start to write the script between my teeth before I have even acknowledged the grieving as my own for my mother
Who never reached forty
I create a story
And like any good book that grasps me in the depths of my empathy I can fall so willingly into its embrace but the moment I put it down I can accept that it’s reality is not my own
Just as I transform my gravity into stories that I can
To feel another day
To reminisce on the memory of pain
The fickle fluttering of apathy
Locked away in words
It’s my moment of artistic genius!
Please come bear witness to such a heartfelt sentiment
And let me pretend that it is not real
For as long as I can continue
Otherwise I don’t know if I can stop her from swallowing herself
The next time she cries
Words dance for
May you find
you didn't know
you were looking for.
It's not fair
that despite knowing
you will never love me back
all I can recall
is how you did everything
I said thank you after just one night because I knew that you would one day become nothing more than a beautiful memory.
How many times
can I message you
to see you reply
with one word
and still tell myself
maybe he's just busy
maybe he just doesn't like talking via text
maybe he's caught up working at the job he is so dedicated to
maybe he simply meant to say more but got distracted
he does that
maybe I'm making excuses
for a boy that doesn't love me
or care enough
to give me his time
or show an inkling of effort
everything is fine
How many times?
love can hit you
an unforgiving crunching of steel and glass
then ricochets in a confusion
of twisted metal
screaming down the highway
you had watched where you were heading
so that maybe I wouldn't be regretting
falling in love
with a car wreck
There's smoke in my eyes
I'm not crying
and practice speaking
the languages of love.
But I can climb mountains
In my mind and in the world.
I can build a fortress for my career
Where I am the nurturer of a thousand dandelions
Whose choices deliver a challenge that leave me breathless and my heart racing in exhilaration.
I can smash boulders with the force of palms pressed flat against desperation.
I can ask for help without being owned and I can give it without losing myself.
I can build, destroy, rectify, satisfy.
I can change my mind
And it isn't an issue.
There's "need" and then there's you.
You're the icing on the cake
And for the mean time I'll just watch my weight, thanks.
I am an artist
I paint images of myself in the eyes of others
Different portraits with different expressions
Hung in a gallery
that no one visits
I wasn't looking for love
but it found me anyway
in a glass of cider and a 2am conversation
it filled the silence with heartbeats
and the night with music
it was the grip in my hair and the kisses on my neck
just a peck that left me begging for more
love found me in shared poems
and Lord of the Rings games
and blushes as thank you
and two plates for one meal
in Star Wars jocks
and quirky socks
love said hi with a grin and screamed over loud noises
to drown out every other worry
that I may have
about losing what I've only just begun to love
I need not wander any longer in the tresses of my depression
As this lesson I now know
Long time no see
Mm* these floors I'll never walk again
These walls that hold a love that never ended
The light in eyes of love and life the same
The energy I'll never know again
The faded halls the twists and turns my friend
Hold so tight the love for each dead end
The memory of feet against cold slate
These are the floors I'll never walk again
Mi Re Do
Where does the heart go
Why do my hands still know
The places I always saw
I know I've been here before
Things always look the same
When they give you the most pain
But it's just in your eyes
That I don't recognise
Take me home
To years ago
Love is the same
It's you I don't know
So take me home
Show me the way
Take me home
Lyrics to a song I wrote last year. Perhaps try and imagine a melody...
Sometimes I wonder
About how a green cloth is not green at all
A material that absorbs every other light extension
Then I think about how
Your eyes absorb every light
And how your lips absorb every light
Except a dusky pink
I think about how the light rejects my skin whilst it welcomes yours
Warms as it absorbs within your strengthened brow
I think about how
Colour doesn't exist
And how emotions are a chemical reaction
How when he dealt me "the conversation"
Our bodies fired up
In one last effort to create a connection
Between a male and a female
Of the same species
In one last effort to preserve
As is the instinctual nature of animals
Perhaps what makes us human
Is that we were able to reject
One chemical equation over another
And this cloth has a colour
That doesn't exist.
flipped on its head
frozen time thawed
friends to the end.
Yet I am still human, and falling to loss is instinctual.
I don't know
how to say
how it makes me feel
except that it seems wrong
sitting deep within my stomach
the realisation that
whether by choice
love has an expiry
and the heart clenching
and lost passion
I translate to anger
in a futile effort
to protect myself
from the mortality
A ***** ***** blood from a phallus
with talons that dig deep with malice
into the soft malleable flesh of man.
Perhaps your mother was right when she titled me so.
A *****, however
A ***** buries his **** in holes
ten fold over after swearing to the sanctity of monogamy and honour
after blaming his old lover for the depression and behaviour
that saw men fight with bloodied fists, wrists split and drying
a ***** splits women over his **** like stuffing a pig with a stick that throbs for more meat
a ***** justifies his actions by placing blame on his ex
but Honey, you love ***
and devouring those flowers
was all you
if drinking was a power you'd be superman
if self-destruction was a job you'd be a multi-faceted flaccid rat faced and rancid multi-billionaire
if hypocrites ran for government there would be no one better to elect as president than your sorry ***
So excuse me if I pass but my heart wasn't built to last a hurricane.
I am still alive in this underground prison
livid in the hole that you shoved me in
take a shovel and find out
if this dead woman breathes
The bite of freezing water sets the tone
searing cold that penetrates the bone
whispers on the wind of stolen breaths
tighten around the inhale of a chest
and only when the blood of men obey
will scathing heat surrender the delay
temper flares that stoke the flames to rile
the chosen word that meaning begs worthwhile.
da Dum da Dum da Dum da Dum da Dum
Leaning in darkness
against an embrace
I fall into the arms of night
and meet no resistance
Where full forms
where the release
and the tragedy of life is pronounced.
This is the path that dead men tread and wounded women wander.
In a shop
Posing against the wall
Why do you stare?
You have the one for all.
Take him home
And whisper in his ear
"I saw a girl at the mall
and she could smell my fear."
Do not be afraid, little bird; I have no hold over a memory.
I changed my body in a way that meant I couldn't fit the clothes I used to wear with you
even if I tried
I could have just gotten fat, but no, I have to be perfect
You called me lazy
I was depressed
But never fear, (or do)
I'm still working at myself
Every now and then, I try on the dresses in my closet, the ones that you said I looked beautiful in. Then I cry when they don't fit over my head or zip up to my arms. So they go back to the closet where they will hang forever until someone can be loved in them again.
In the hands of the man I felt safest
Now my hands hold a phone in the bathroom stall shaking
The demise of my previous enterprise
Now the gateway to regrettable conversation
Tears pulled free out of the silence
Torn from a retched need and desperation
How ironic that the one person whose hands held me the gentlest and loved with such dedication would be the one who destroyed my inhibition and ability to control
my own hands
They grip this device where I write and my mind screams to reach out
There he is
How easy it could be just to dissolve within a lost fantasy
A circle where the ends never meet
Where at my feet tears fall flat in defeat
I restrain the desire to surrender to my selfish needs
Yet I plead with myself to give in.
The one place I feel safe and trust with all my heart is the one space I am barred from
How do I get out?
Please help me get out
Or let me in
You'll do neither.
I cannot write how I feel
it reveals what I did
An unforgivable fleeting fantasy
Caught up in my own mind
As you removed my securities
Until you were the only one standing
For me to rely upon
You are no longer someone
Who resists the pathetic nature of a past lover
Who is stronger and has rebuilt love twice over anew
Whilst I stew
Broken open by a man who every day chips away at my resistance
In an instance I break
In the bathroom stall at the gym
My life on a chain that leads to him
where I lie underneath watching him watch TV while
I cry every time.
And I realise
You're the only one who would have saved me
I am not a stranger
I don't even know myself
to grow old
that feeling nothing
the world revolves
and we pay the price
that is life
Time is not the enemy,
for the perpetual
whisper in the library
between the shelves
then lose the page
hush my dear
don't say a word
silence has a bite
and actions are heard
The decrescendo of my melody
My dear, how you have played me
I have forgotten the sweet murmurings of love.
Today I wondered
where does happiness lie?
and how could I feel such wonder
when it touched me one last time?
Today I wandered
in streets that sang of memory
heard the beating heart of matrimony
where I listened one last time.
This is the song I sing for you
A rasping breath, a lonely tune
a mountainous volume, jonquils in bloom
the beat of the drum drowns out the ruin
soon, my body falls.
You refused to sing for me, and to sing with me; instead, you sang against me; the song of a thousand strings, fluttering in the wind, sheared from the body of a bass.
Envy was the girl
Who wanted what the other had.
Pity was the woman
Who spoke with woven words
To a girl lost to blissful deceit.
His words are laced with honey, Honey
Sweet to the taste
Gentle to the touch
See in the midst of his attraction
Attracts the maggots and the flies
But I cannot despise
A greedy child
A scrub that's wild
As this discourse lies empty
I am the sentry to his force
And on the third bite I realise
I am no longer hungry.
I have been kissing
Where the insects feast on honey.
A sting more viscous than a wasp
Still meaningless connections
The blank expression of my reflection
Breaks the surface tension
But if no one really knows
Did it even happen?
Error 404: person not found
He became a crude man who ***** for fun and wears hypocrisy like a winter shawl.
The visage he creates is a poor camouflage for the creature within.
Only a fool could love him.
Oh how irony laughs at mortals.
I wear this pretty face as a mask to obscure the past.
For a pretty baroness
without her farce
is a pretty barren mess.
And I blame you.
Do you revel in the darkness?
Is your distress a discomfort
triumphant as the water rises?
Wrapped in solemn disguises
When did you yearn for the broken embrace
Laced with a never ending dusk?
Oh, but you must be proud.
The tenebrosity of her persuasion
Draws you in, a baby to candy
Feeding the depression with a concoction of sweet whispers and raking nails across once strong skin now a back that weeps of foul misconduct and sin.
despite the desires
one can only drown in the ichor of demons.
The black hole she dug in your soul will extinguish the fires of your dreams - enjoy!
Nothing to be done
Everything to imagine
A mind to unravel
Gentle hands that open the navel and feed me slices of sweet flesh
This man is gone
I cannot forgive him
For he has done nothing worthy of retribution
He hides behind the ability to block
Out of sight
Out of mind
Your height has lessened since we last met
The unspoken word, one day you will regret
Chances to resolve with a solvent and a moment worth my time
But no longer worthy of me
I give no more to the damaged soul
Nothing to be done
You will miss the screams when the world falls silent and you are truly alone.
I loved you for two years too long, now it is time to rip you from my life, despite how much it hurts. You can never relinquish this, for the gate that closes with this poem was the last door open. Goodbye, mystery man in the library, I will forever remember the blessings you bestowed upon my youth. I am alive because of you and I thank you, but now you are killing me, and it has to end.
Rejoice in my silence
For these poems are delivered to my lips when I seek to be rid of the world that encases me
When all sound has receded and the words have halted for eternity
For I must have found peace
Sit with me while we resolve to resist death.
It is my anxiety that forces me to cater for every possibility.
I will not go unprepared into the wilderness where a sideways glance or a shiver might mean a breath longer to wait and counter the doubts and regrets that rule my already overburdened life
I will not go unprepared into masses that sneer and spit spiteful parries that beg for the upheaval of my integrity
Say as you might that I am surely vain and shallow that when you press your boot into my bodice you will hit the bottom in a blink but alas it was your heart that continued to sink for beneath the painted cheeks and frosted glass of a fractured reflection I speak from my digression and beg witness to the man who uses words as daggers
Ladies I warn you of the dangers of a bitter man for he leaves iron in the chest but the breath I will pull in defiance will rust the blade that aligns with his hand
I will not go unprepared.
I will make him an offer and his pride will guarantee the refusal that is my prize.
Before I sleep
I think with the might of a stubborn mule
To conjure images of you within.
I beg for my dreams to be riddled with tantalising glances
Soft touches that tease the senses and spark a fire that has long been left to ashes.
I beg for a glimpse of you
Bless my sight with a quiet smile
So that I might live
Counting sheep that speak your name will never feel the same as when you loved me, but it's better than the reality.
in the sun a languid stretch to catch the warmth of a caressing ray
a promise of safety it encases her décolletage
the tension extends beyond her body
releases into the universe
an image of vulnerability
a momentary lapse in judgment
on the exhale
she forgets that it burns
One wish two fish and a spiralling trivial moment
three at a restaurant
the food tastes of ash and soot his foot against mine under the table you hold my hand and he glances down and whispers
more more always asking never giving wanting the everlasting attention
my inability to be consistent in my heart that always starts but never finishes the plate under my nose
I chose the dessert and learnt that fire means nothing and burns up every morsel
leaves a bitter taste in the mouth
under my tongue and under my lips you kissed he kissed now I lay in bed staring at the ceiling
a deep steady slumber beside me whilst my eyes are wide my soul is wide open to be pierced by the retribution of my sins
a sacred stolen word that haunts my every step I lay in bed twisted in sheets that soak and devour my every breath
as easy as
watch me go
your love will never know
the damage you can deal
when you're bitter the strikes become real and frantic
kisses that exist with other lips
that speak with no denial or trickery
that day in the library
you were the mystery
that I endeavoured to conquer
a war path that cost me half my soldiers
all my provisions
and my dignity
my love was an **** defeat I retreat and sink beneath the earth the steady dirt a sturdy hand slowly
crushes the breath from my body
do you see?
it is your
I remember every second. Your deep brown eyes looking up at me over the rim of your glasses. You were so quiet, but your presence spoke volumes and I fell under your spell, the intriguing man who spoke of honour, love and dreams.
To satisfy is to rectify the prosperity of my heart.
Where does the dog lie?
He is scruffy, overfed
Lies in bed with a *****
Dreams of a witch
Who lost her magic
When the ship departed
He ****** every living thing
I still have the ring
Wear it every week
Even though it is too late
to love a dog.
it's not your fault that he chokes me
it was you who made promises of love eternal
It seems abuse was an omission in your mission for false honour and trust.
"To be honest, my biggest and I suppose only fear now is losing you, and that used to make me feel amazingly insecure. But the truth is I 'gotcha' forever. I have you and I would never let you go. You're mine just as I am yours in every possible way. I suppose what I'm saying is very possessive and selfish but I could have it no other way. I am yours eternally, and we will be together as long as our immortal souls exist. I love you, with all my heart, body and soul. I love you more than words can tell and I hope that my actions show that."
I don't blame you for the present
I do for the past
As for my future?
There is none.
You chose your pride over saving your love
It says a lot more about who you are
To have abandoned without effort
I truly hope you have changed
For her sake.
I name him Alchionidas
But his soul is more like Midas
For everyone he touches turns to gold
He has the hands of a healer
Speaks in waves, a strong demeanour
And his honour was a legend to uphold.
But legend turned to myth just as anger leads to hate and I suffer more than Diabolos does in hell.
He's a man that you may meet
And for me, spit at his feet
For I know more than I do care to tell.
Θα σ'αγαπώ για πάντα.
To the moon
And back again.
A promise where swords clashed and the people sang of a prince and princess who ruled the land.
With a hand dipped in fire
He sought to protect her
An order for cobble and steel to rise high above the sky where the princess would be kept
Within the walls of a tower
The prince, his love deceived her and she shrivelled and cried
The lonely embrace of rock and ruin
Love ran truant
In a small room at the top of a spire the hopes and dreams that they once did aspire for were locked inside and the prince, he had no key.
Crazy, even lazy, the princess, fighting a darkness she did not comprehend
an attempt to fend for herself lead to the betrayal and blame on the man who shall never be named-
Who's only escape was to sit by the window where the moon filled the room with light and a sweet embrace that tickled and tempted the touch of a prince.
She winced when he fell.
For love doesn't tell when to sell your soul for another
until the time is over and done.
Now the prince, he rides under free skies with the moonlight on his saddles as a king with a queen of the night.
Now the princess, trapped in a tower built on selfish desires, the darkness bouncing off curved walls and the thoughts bring with them a self destructive power-
she cowers within herself.
Her only respite to watch from the window- but look!
Her stomach did lurch
There the new king gallops for the church.
She begs for the gallows
Screams that he cannot hear
For he has no care
Her heart shreds, her body bare
falling down spiralling stairs to reach the end of an abysmal reality.
And such is the story
Of a man who loved me all the way to the moon
And never came back again.
If she was the moon, I thought I was the sun. Turns out you were the light and I was no one.
There's a trophy on my cabinet shelf.
I put it on the highest level
and without a step, it was unreachable.
In the streets I would talk about the trophy on the shelf.
The shine, the distinct curve, the plate of gold near its base.
I earned it for this reason, to show the world that it was mine.
Looking up all the time, it shone back at me.
People began to question the existence of such a trophy.
I scoff and puff a lot of stuff.
The trophy sits at home in dust.
Corners of crust they creep into the cup and the shine that I once boasted was cut.
And still I did not clean it.
It was an easy solution to step up to the level but I thought, I am not dusty, I am still clean, why should its sheen be any different?
In a failure to recognise my inability to care for something so utterly precious and dependant on my love, the trophy on my cabinet shelf I threw in the bin.
Winners are losers, baby, and you were the prize.
When one eye shuts, another opens
Forages in the dark where the air has a striking bite and stings the softest cheeks
Where sanity tips and the body sinks beyond the horizon
You can never hide him
My love, it leaks
It reeks of desperation
Why in my abandon
did you forsake me?
There are no words
No stones thrown
In a world I've never known, I cry into your kiss.
In an embrace that speaks of forgiveness
Screams of love
Whispers of fiction
I see the conviction in your eyes to be better with her than me
I am the lesson
The one I never wanted to teach
But I taught nonetheless
Thank you for the presence
I marked your absence with a fist.
The sunlight teases my eyelids with a gentle reminder
And be not weary
For I had been visited by an angel
Of the night.
The man I love left long ago
The man in my mind forever grows.
Thank you for visiting last night, you are the guest I'll always say yes and be blessed to welcome.
Vile clings to the throat
Rich and thick
A dark sludge that pulses with each breath
It quivers under the tongue
Nothing sweet is left
Just the bitter bite of a betrayed fantasy
Tendrils wrap around the tongue
Twisting until the flesh is as warped and demented as my soul
For you see
I am the wasp that stings your mouth with kisses
and releases bile, enough to feed an empty vessel
There's a tickle, a twitch
The bile is alive!
You spit poison
Thickness rises up
Pries open your lips
Oozes then splutters in a violent exhale
Your chest is coated in a black concoction where it bars the entrance to your heart
The bile sheens and glistens
Laughing at the horrors it has delivered, it mocks your naivety
And there where it shines
My face looks back at you
Reflected in the sick.
You cannot speak
You cannot swallow
I offer you my hand
The choice is yours to follow
I was thirteen when my mum died in a car crash.
When I was thirteen
The easiest way to deal with my feelings was to feel nothing at all
To cut my self off from the torment
It no longer existed
I learnt at a young age
That to survive
You had to forget
I learnt at 17 that it all comes flooding back
A tsunami that crushes the life out of all who dare to breathe in its presence and walk near the waves
You held me
Our children will never have a grandma
Followed by a shudder
You squeezed me tight against your chest as I wept and for one moment recognised the agonising reality
For all my fealty I was weak.
It was the worst thing
You could have ever said
Because we would never have those children
I learnt when I was young too young
But I didn't learn my lesson
I stopped feeling
The screaming emptiness in my chest
It tears me apart
How can someone feel like this
Is this what you felt?
Every minute the needle in my chest sinks deeper
Pinpointing the darkest moments
That she left me
That I left you
I didn't let myself feel any of it
It would have killed me
It is killing me
There will never be any love stronger than yours
There can never be anything better
And if that is the case
Then what is the point to living
A life without love
Is a life never lived
So why should I bother
Riding out the storm
When I could lie in the eye
Survive in my mind
And in these words
That you will never read.
If I could have introduced anyone to my mother, it would have been you.
I get nervous around the places I know you live
Or might travel to
Places we have been before
Leave a trace of you
My heart races
My hairs prickle up as if trying to reach out for you
This I cannot escape.
But nothing could have prepared me for that one shift in time where you stood right before me-
close enough to touch
to see the curls in your hair
softly framed eyes
the wrinkles on your hands
the swell of your strength
My heart exploded within my chest
Like a mouse in distress
Beating so fast I could have died
It held me back and I could not bear to look at you
But when I did
Seemingly safe behind a barrier of glass
You looked right into me
Our eyes met and it was just as the first time I saw you
And the last
The barest exhale of breath
Just the tunnel between your eyes and mine
Your history and mine
Your love and mine
Snatched away in a moment
That lasted eternity
My love, you are the horror that haunts me.
Accompanies the moment described in "The heart tears the flesh"
Every time I see my eyes
I think about how brightly they used to shine
How they would light up when I saw you
When I saw myself
Before I ruined what we had
They were a window
Open to the world
Of new possibilities
And the love that protruded from you like a beacon
Reflected so profusely in the window
That I viewed out from
But when I closed the curtain
They lost their reflection.
Realising the error of my ways
I try to grapple with the hooks
And the silk tears
Shreds in a heap on the floor
And there is no window
Just a wall.
When I look in the mirror
My eyes have lost the blue that soared above skies
Now only grey remains as a reminder of the lies.
Maybe in seven years I will see you, free from our shattered past.
My only wish is that the hardness in my eyes is never mirrorred in yours.
My home suffered disintegration through the humiliation of my betrayal.
Spray the beams that hold us together
Coat and cover
Will not last forever
But rather, I feel
To turn the wood into steel
Would be an altogether extensive
More expensive solution
But completely worth every minute.
To break every piece down to nothing and build it back up into something new and strong
With every chance of failure
I could be wrong
But in the end it would last longer.
Maybe this is what I have to do
To make a home with you
And what a home it would be.
I need to get my **** sorted before I can even think about loving you.