i didn't realize you didn't care.
i tried so hard
to be there for you,
but you blew me off
like birthday candles.
my favorite smell;
next to pine trees,
on a cold december morning,
where i find myself missing you,
again.
it just turns out,
that all the pretty words you said to me
were lies
and thats alright
because
ill just find myself lying in someone else's bed tonight.

wondering
do you ever wonder why,
as i drive by,
how i throw my cigarette out the window?
so violently..
it's because i dont want it..
to fly back in.
sometimes i think,
you're just like that cigarette.
you fly back in..
unbeknownst to me
and burn my carpet.
leaving another mark,
so subtle.
yet another reminder,
of my black lungs
and black heart.
no thanks,
to you.

when you miss him
yet he used to yell at you
its called manipulation
when you miss his laugh
yet he used to laugh at you
its called manipulation
when you miss his kiss
****…
this is manipulation
did i make the right decision
this is manipulation
i wish i stayed
just to be with him a little longer
yet freedom feels just as nice
better than eggshells
eggshells were all i walked on
even when there was carpet
but i miss it?
this is manipulation
isn’t it…

she was your wife
she misses you
she doesn't want to just be the smoke from your lungs
escaping into the winter air
but what i fear
is that im the cigarette
that you bring to your lips
then toss out the window
when you're finished.

i can't stop staring into your eyes
you're so tall
so blue
so deep
like an ocean im being swept away in
thank god
for those swimming lessons as a kid
YMCA
you want me to be your bae
how come im not at peace?
like when you're sitting there
floating
staring at the stars
the same twinkle in your eyes
when you look at me
im drowning
quick
save me

she has bad tattoos
and wears converse
a totoro hat
over her over bleached hair
sounds familiar

does she watch anime?
does she go to the lego store with you?
does target trips feel the same?
does she comfort you?

do you get the same rush,
when you want to kiss her?

does she let you?

do you get the same nerves,
when you message her on facebook?

do you crave her body,
in the way that you did mine?

so much so that you kept going when I told you no?

do you wish she was prettier,
like you wanted me to be?

do you wish she was blonder,
like the anime character you ******* to?

do you also wish your ***** was bigger,
like I wished it was?

do you also wish that you were more caring to me,
like I wished you were?

do you wish I was still with you..?

do you?

You were my first boyfriend.
I was smitten over someone liking me.
I didn’t even care that I was your rebound.
You compared me to the blonde character in an anime because you wanted me to be perfect.
You treated me badly and broke up with me for other girls
who seemed better than I.
Then, you’d come back to me,
because no one but me had low enough self-esteem to date you.
Sure, they didn’t know the real you; like I did.
They knew the goofy nerd who was in the friendzone.
Finally, I left because I knew I deserved better.
You cried.
Lonesomeness,
is not fun after you’ve been next to someone after two years.
What could you do?
Pitiful, shameful, *** with your ex.
I always regretted it.
Whether it was right when you came over
or right after
or when you left.
One time you said that I “didn’t last long”
because when I regretted it halfway through I told you to stop.
A year goes by.
I pay a visit to your house.
I mostly miss your mom;
ya’ll were my second family.
I had nothing to do before making an hour drive to my niece’s for babysitting.
I dropped in.
I stopped by.
One of my biggest mistakes of my life on that February afternoon.
I watched TV with your mom.
You were sleeping.
She made food so I went to wake you.
We went downstairs and ate.
I asked if you wanted to come outside while I smoked.
You did.
I told you about someone I was seeing,
about how they enjoyed the way I gave head.
Big deal.
To you
because
you said that my head “*****”
I should “prove it” to you that I was good at it.
I refused because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone
especially you.    
Flash forward to your room.
Here’s the part where you can blame me if you’d like.
for going to your room.
How was I supposed to know what you wanted to take from me?
A friendly tickle fight turned into you on top of me.
Force kissing me.
I pushed you off.
Gravity was against me.
When you finally rose
I said “What the **** is wrong with you?”
Why were you doing this to me...?
Without skipping a beat.
I got my answer
that’d replay in my mind
forever.
“You can’t turn me on without turning me off.”
Shock.
Complete Shock.
You wanted my body
and according to you
I was only there for your pleasure.
That’s all I was.
An object for your enjoyment.
I immediately left your room.
You tried to stop me,
you tried to say sorry,
but the damage was done.
You marked yourself.
I had to pretend
in front of your mom
that nothing happened
until I left.
I cried many times that day.
Tears behind my eyes while watching TV right after with her
counting the minutes until I was supposed to leave.
Wailing on my way to my brother’s
Thoughts that it was my fault
that I caused it
while my niece slept peacefully.
And more tears when I told my mom
and even more when she told me to stay quiet
because your mom was already going through a lot.

I was objectified
disrespected
and silenced that day
in February before Valentine’s Day
2016.

i get tattoos
to love my skin
instead of scar it

i get tattoos
to love the art
that goes into it

i get tattoos
to love myself

i get tattoos
to reclaim
what you stole

this is my body

this is my art

this is not yours

this is me

his name is andrew
i met him once
he seemed like an *******
but like
in a good way
we met.
i stayed at his house.
he was an actual *******.
we had ***
while i was half asleep.
i cant remember if it was consensual
in the beginning.
i left the next morning.
he started being weird.
sending me gibberish.
i blocked him.
he added me back
again
and again
and again
30 times now.
making usernames
calling me fat
and again
and again
please dont find me

I met a guy,
online,
named Jack.
He's gorgeous.
He's sweet.
He makes me think..
about all the things i've done in my life;
Why am i here?
He's beautiful.
He's nice.
He has the most **** body;
one that I want..
He's amazing.
He's smart.
I think someone is perfect.
He's picky.
He's cute,
and I like him a lot.
His name is Jack.

cigarettes make me feel better about abandoning you
I want a jeep because of when you would drive your mom's
and play rap songs
I want to be what I thought you were

before I left
you made a cd
filled with songs
of angsty love
i broke up with you
years before this
what gave you the right
to come back into my life

my soul broke
my love decays.
my thoughts of you illuminate

i want to change us,
but that leaves me with dust
because of my mistrust
of you with other girls

you just want a girl with curls
and a skinny body

you don't love my coke bottle waist
my love for you has been misplaced

i feel i look better
in a filter
ludwig
inkwell
but my favorite filter:
the cast of red light
on my face
at an intersection
while on the way home to you

iced coffee and cigarettes
both bitter tasting
makes me think
of the bitter taste in my mouth you left
the sound of your voice makes me nauseous
i hate that i have to hear it
but somehow I find myself coming to your coffee shop
is it because I work near by?
or is it because I crave drama in my life?
do I need that pain back?
am I too happy now with him?

I hope I’m too pretty for you
I hope I’m too kind for you
or am I wrong about that too?

I mashed and bashed myself
just to be a ****** up version of me
a version of me that wasn’t me at all
someone that still didn’t stop your wandering eye

I'm biting my lip at another morning,
it tastes like metal
I've had the pleasure of knowing this taste before
however,
I've never known yours
do you taste like my bleeding chapped lips?
or do you taste like ice cream on a summer night?
do you taste like an unfiltered cigarette?
or do you taste like mint gum?
you must taste like sleepless nights,
because that's all my body seems to crave.

i'm a two faced gemini
and you were too
how could we love eachother
if there was four of us
instead of two

dissociating again.
once again.
but this should be a happy moment
at brusters ice cream.
you're so heckin cute.
you like thrifting too?
and to think..
i almost blew you off completely..
because online you seemed
just like an average guy.
but heck;
im an average girl
aren't i?
but we can't stop talking.
we giggle during what would be
awkward silences.
wow.
and Aquarius;
just the thought of you is..
dreamy..
well here i am,
kissing you goodbye,
outside ulta
at 12:30

you’re at your job
talking to a girl
a girl who used to be me
she smiles
laughs at your stupid jokes
puts up with you lame humor
and she friend zones you
you tell her about the girl across the coffee shop
who broke your heart
when really you broke hers
into so many pieces
that when she tries to pick them up
she cuts her hands
she bleeds
because of you
the girl has no idea
what she’s gotten herself into
you will destroy her
like you did me

When I drink wild air,
I think of you
Swerving cars and yellow lights,
I think of you
The rings of smoke coming from the vape,
I think of you
Big fluffy white dogs and black jeeps,
I think of you
Febreeze and packed bowls,
I think of you
Losing at pool and being alone,
I think of you
Hating this place and wanting to escape,
I think of you
Wanting to feel numb,
I think of you
When I think of me,
I think of you.

i wonder if it will last
is everything really in the past?
i never want to say goodbye
i know i’ll have to one day
i just hope
that it isn’t
soon.

why don't i put another cigarette to my lips
and hope to god I die quicker
hope that I don't have to be here
do I have to be here?

it was a normal day.
the lighter never slipped my fingers,
never once did I slip through my hits.
I sat against the wall thinking it was gonna rain.
it didn’t, but my world still came crashing
everything started spinning
i was watching myself do things that weren’t real
I told myself ‘no, this is real. I’m doing normal things’
I’d look up, and i was somewhere else
somewhere not familiar
some place that was so scary that I could no longer breathe
i’d look down at the real ground, knowing i was back
it was normal again
however when I’d look up, it was a different time
a different day
a different reality
what was happening?
I was so lost, I couldn’t remember
who I was, where I was
the only thing I could do after staggering into the car
was to stare outside
focus on what I knew was real
but then someone would say something
and I was lost again
seeming endless
hopeless
I wanted to die
I was tearing up every 30 seconds
soon I was at the park
breathing again
arguing with jonathan
about how his beliefs were wrong
I was back
everything was ok
I needed a break from this
I got home, safely,
shook up, and scared
but it was alright
everything was alright

did you notice that you were never there for me?
did you notice that you did more harm than good?
did you notice you’ve made people cry more tears than I ever have?
That’s saying a lot.
Considering I used to wash these tears away with a bottle of *****.
Remember when all you knew were tears on your face?
Remember how I was there?
Remember I drove you places to get your mind of things?
I don’t.
I don’t remember a single thing you’ve done for me.

I might be thinking too much,
but if I'm right,
**** both of you
I hope you both fall apart inside
I hope you never utter my name again
Also, **** 12 am panic attacks

another valentine
another holiday
another special moment
nothing happens
whats wrong with me?
do you not love me?
i know you have a ring
you’ve had one for 2 years
what are your fears?
are you scared
of spending your life with me?
i’m scared you that don’t..

I'm literally not following my own advice.
I told her not to worry about someone who lives 1,400 miles away,
yet I still find myself missing your golden blonde hair
and the way you would make fun of me,
of any of us.
I used to live for your fluffy white dog,
who even attacked me a couple times.
I don't even known why I stuck around
for your sarcastic *******.
maybe it was the thought of you loving me
cliché right?
I know.
but I still love you.

he's nice
and so is he
but why don't i
feel anything?
where are the butterflies
and love notes?

i don't want to get too close
you seem almost
perfect
you like when i kiss your neck
why do i almost feel nothing
should i tell you i'm not emotionally available?
because to be honest
i'm emotionally exhausted
from him
and him
and him
and him.
will you be like them?

6'5"
so heckin sweet to me
back to the future
how'd you know?
those nikes..
who's gonna kiss first?
you lose
but is this really winning?
i haven't felt like i was winning in a long time
you wanna see me in tennessee
you wanna see me tomorrow
you wanna see
me?
i blew you off for two months
just like i blew it
this morning
unsureness
will be the death of me
unless cigarettes take my life
first

starbucks
venti iced white chocolate mocha
soy no whip
light ice
why do you work there?
.4 miles away from MY job.
you don't deserve that.
this isn't fair.
i felt so terrible
when i heard you were close to me
something i couldn't help anymore
something i could no longer avoid
it's not fair
that you don't feel this way
that you don't know the dread i feel now
when i get starbucks
when i pass by
when i see the logo
why does your starbucks make the best coffee?
why is it YOUR starbucks in my head?
its MY starbucks
its MY territory
you don't deserve to be in my space

what if i go into target
what if i go into the mall
what if i go anywhere
and you decided to go there too
the possibilities of interacting with you
make me sick to my stomach
i haven't spoken to you since that day.

february 7th 2016

coming up on three years
coming up on three years with someone who loves me
june 24th 2016

the day that started to fix
everything you've done to me
you aren't half the man he is
you're just a boy
a coward
a ******

he is wonderful
amazing
understanding
caring
forgiving
and
encouraging.­

sometimes what you were to me
what you did to me
clouds my relationship with him
so *******
*******
you don't exist to me anymore

if i see you
you don't exist
who are you?
nothing to me

is too close to yours
he somehow
reminds me of you
they all
remind me of you
i find myself
thinking of you
our inside jokes
how you would comfort me
even if you caused my dismay
i think i miss us
i felt so much with you
but now
with them
i feel nothing deeper
than basic appreciation
i miss feeling so deeply
even if it was on the floor
sobbing
while you said you wanted to **** yourself
and i said we could do it together
how do i feel like that again?

he said
another message
you're the only one i like
another
please can i take you out
wow
i guess
my plan for validation
was successful

i sit in my room;
i think of my past;
i don’t deserve the life i have;
it’s hard to see your mistakes,
your insecurities;
i cry at the thought.
this poem has no purpose.
is it really even a poem?
does it have a happy ending?
no.
it just
ends.

its never ending
the room spins
is this real?
mid sentence
thoughts
thoughts
are you actually talking...

i’m alone
there are people home
but i am alone
my room is the only place
that i am safe
i am alone.