it's back.

the weight.
the fear building up between my eyebrows.
the tears constantly threatening to show.
the breathlessness between each breath.

i'm tired of fighting this alone.
i don't want to be strong anymore,
i don't want to hold it together for one more second.

every heartbeat is a miracle.

a year ago i didn't know the turmoil i would go through
and i didn't know the kind of happiness i would experience.
a happiness so great i could never explain in words, and an
appreciation for everyday life that came out of nowhere but
what seemed like second nature to me, enveloping me
with every inhale and exhale.

i found friendship in places i least expected, i found
distraction when i needed it the most, and i learned that
i have to set my own standards or people can and will
walk all over me.

i learned that it's okay to want to be wanted, but
that i cannot let that define me or i will end up feeling
more lost than when i began.

i learned that it's okay to be lost, and it's okay to not
know how to seek help even when you're trying with
every fiber of your being; even when absolutely nothing
is working, the sheer will to keep going is enough to
keep you alive.

it's important to remember that breathing is involuntary and
so that's one less thing you have to try to do and your heart
pumps blood all by itself and so when you think you aren't
doing anything, your body will take over and let you do
nothing and you are still alive.

and when you look at life like that, any effort you put
in can only be a positive no matter the outcome because
you did more than was physically necessary to get by
and who cares if you ****** up for god's sake you're alive.

the sun will still come up tomorrow no matter what you did
and you may not see it because of the clouds or you may sleep
through it because you were up so late trying to fix what you
think you did wrong or you may be too busy looking down to
realize it but the sun will rise whether you do anything at all or not.

this past year I learned the importance of giving that extra
effort, and how much joy it can bring.
but more importantly, i learned the necessity of not doing
anything at all in order to stay afloat, and that everybody does
it sometimes and even if they don't, they do.

we weren't made perfect beings,
you can't expect yourself to become one.

it's funny how i kept going back to you.
i was told time and time again how you
didn't want anything more, and I tricked
myself into believing that I didn't either.
I truly believed that I was content with a
weekend romance mixed with friendly hello's.

But I was wrong.

I wanted you to ask me how I was doing and
I wanted to tell you that I'm falling apart.
I was drawn to your calm state of mind because
it seemed like everyone around me was moving
and I was standing still and I wanted to stand still
with you.
I wanted to have someone who felt the same and
I thought it could be you but I didn't realize that
I couldn't make you want that too.
You didn't want to be tied down by a girl overwhelmed
by her dreams and you didn't want to spend time
talking to someone who had the potential to ruin
the tranquility you had so carefully established.
And I understood that, but I couldn't accept it.

But I am finally accepting it.
I'm letting you go and I will be better for it.
And maybe if I keep telling myself that enough,
I'll believe it.

i refuse to chase anyone anymore.
i used to think that it was brave to go
after what i wanted, that my confidence
would be taken in such a way that
would attract you even more;
but it just left me open and vulnerable
and alone when it turned out that
you never wanted me back.

but i'm not settling for your "sometimes".
your name doesn't make me smile anymore
and i'm making memories with other people:
better people.

I am not defined by your
inability to love me.
I will find someone who not only desires
me, but values me.
I'm not expecting someone to take away the bad,
I simply want someone to enjoy the good with.
I want to talk in whispers on a Tuesday afternoon
so we can hear the wind and laugh in the middle
of class because I remember something you said earlier.
I'm finally in a place where I can enjoy the world,
and I won't be held back by someone who can't enjoy me.

Imagine a building falling on top of you,
first it crushes your bones
then it spreads your brain a couple blocks over
and leaves pieces of you scattered
so far apart and in such tiny fragments
that they can't tell if that is part of your
finger or trash that someone was too
careless to throw away.

Now imagine floating on a cloud
so light that you think your breath
is heavier than your body, and
every thought is so happy it makes
you want to cry because you never
knew life could be that good.

Combine the two and you enter
a perpetual state of confusion, of
too many emotions in the wrong
time and the wrong place.

Combine the two and prepare
to see your life falling apart
and coming together and prepare
to lose everything that you aren't
even sure you care about.

They found it.

they found my words,

my feelings,

my raw destruction of everyone around me.

I can't face them.

I'm not the person they thought I was.

they found me.

I can't take a deep breath
I can't take a breath at all
teach me how
please help me I'm trying
but my lungs can't keep working
like this I can't keep working
like
this.