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Jan 2019 · 160
The gallows
Anna Jan 2019
How long would it take for people to hear
My gallows soundtrack?
The rhythmic thud of my leg
Hitting the desk every 3 seconds
The friction of the rope on the unstable hook
That could give out any minute
Under the weight of my palid corpse
They'll probably only hear it
When the hook comes loose from the plaster
And my body thumps on the floor
They only ever hear the fortissimo
Never the piano
No one ever really cares about the cries for help
Dec 2018 · 1.1k
Anna Dec 2018
7 hours of tears
An incessant cascade
Swollen eyes and pale face
Deep blue crescents carved
With blunt knives
By 1 hours sleep and
All functions cease because
You don't want me

When your 3am text shot me
It hit my spine and I was paralysed
The deepest layer of hell is ice
And that’s where my body resided
Agony spilling over into numbness
As infection set in
I stood in front of the tsunami of misery
And let it smash down on my head

I think it broke my skull
I keep finding fragments of me
On the shores of my subconscious
Trying to gently piece them together
Dedicated to the hunt and
Giving them everything
But they don’t want to come back
They say they need time

I wanted to care for you
Until you forgot how to be broken
But it was muscle memory for you
That didn't leave on whim
You had to break me too
Until I became the floor
Under your feet
That couldn't stop supporting you

I gave you my existence
But you gave me half
And I was still thirsty after
Half a glass of water
On a warm night
During passionate ***
But I'm even more parched
With the nothing I have now

Now I have to erase
Your dancing tiger eyes
Burning holes in mine
And talking
Late into the night
Until we hallucinated
And didn't know who we were talking to

I just want you to stop leaving
Over and over
Like you do in my dreams
A thought loop I can’t leave
And even now you’re gone
You still want to play
With the wound in my chest
Picking off the scab when it tries to heal

If you had nails
You'd dig them into my brain
But you chewed them all off
Leaving unsightly stumps
So you resort to other games
Touching me tenderly
Then pushing me away
I hope you’re having fun

We were only alive during the night
You were nocturnal
And I wished the day away
So I could fall into your arms
And admire the contrast
Of our hair and skin
Rich brown on milky white
Gold on black

The sun always anaesthetised you
As it peered into your room
Stealing your essence
Leaving you a demotivated husk
But the night gave it back
And I was always grateful
That I could have the real you then
I gave up my day for my nights with you

I’d wait through all the smoking
Watching you try to fill the void
Hunting for a way
To try and straighten out
All your vicious insecurities
Too scared to deal with them sober
But you never needed to be high
For me to love you

I want my nerves to register
Your teeth clamped on my bare skin,
Pressure around my neck
And hands on my hips.
Your touch snaking all over
My fragile body
With locked lips
And your soft hair under my fingers

You infiltrate every memory
Imprinting your half smile
Behind my eyelids
I can still feel your hands
The lines they traced
I wish they'd trace more
Something to sooth
The hole in my chest

Sunlight shines through the hole but
Even as its edges become less raw
It's still punched through my chest
My heart’s missing
I hope you have it
Because I’d like it back at some point
Maybe we can plant it in the hole
And fertilise it with new flesh

I wish I could make more memories
And lie in bed with you for hours
But you won’t let me
You’re tidal, pushing and pulling
Until I disintegrate
In your sea of indecision
I’ll do whatever you want me to
I just wish it didn’t make me so sad
Nov 2018 · 1.4k
Anna Nov 2018
I desperately ransack
Crumpled sheets and pillows
Hunting for you
At any time of day
As the sun glares at me
Shining rays of duty onto
My faded features
And bloodshot eyes

When I can't find you
Sparks bury under my skin
But when I turn
It's just the sunlight
Turning me into liquid wax
My eyes dissolve but
I don't care
They deserve to be punished

You're always out at night
I ring the bell so much
That I get tinnitus
But sacrificing my hearing
Is all for nothing
Because you leave my offering
Bleeding in its temple
The scornful God you are

You want me to use pills
To hunt you down but
I won't satisfy your desires
I know you like a game
But your opponent
Is apathetic towards life
Your worst fear
How can you twist numbness?

So we intertwine
A symbiotic relationship
You need me to have you
To exist as an action
This brinkmanship
Might push me to the edge
But I can live on the brink
Can you?
Whenever I get anxious it's always super hard to sleep, and the desperation for sleep sometimes comes close to insanity. It also feels like a game that you can't win and your strategies become crazier and crazier.
Oct 2018 · 522
Shared Burdens
Anna Oct 2018
The noose around your neck
Is around ours
Necks warped and twisted
By pools of molten tears
Erupting without warning

She was an infected bullet wound
Giving you tetanus
A black line that raced to your mind
Reddening your eyes
So you only saw death

You burned in the fire of Hades
Capricious flames dancing
A witch burning alive
Found guilty of being human
A verdict you couldn’t live with

They can't point fingers now
At the void where you were
And their fingers are lost
In old handkerchiefs
Saturated with their tears

Flowers replace you
Where you once stood
White when they should be black
You choke on religion
Even now

We pull back the soil
Tucking you up with the earth
Kissing you with impotent words
Burying you under the rope
You carried so diligently in life
Trigger warning: suicide. This was written about suicide after my boyfriend at the time's brother killed himself. It explores his pain and the pain of those left behind.

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