I'm starting to remember again. How it felt to just sit in one place and do nothing but sink deeper into my misery and numbness. Thinking that if only I was happy thing would be better. But, like that mirror you punched when I made you so ******* angry,I'm never going to be whole again. The important parts of me are shattered and there's nothing but unsteady hope holding me together. And who knows how long that will keep my pieces from falling apart again. You see, you break me time and time again, and I let you. It was true love, right? You made me mistake your anger for love and that's an error I won't be making again.
"You're really not as heartless as you think you are" you told me once in the middle of an argument, I don't think you could ever understand how much further in love with you I fell in that moment. You see right through me and finally I have someone that I don't need to hide from. You make me feel safe and secure and happy and sad and loved. You make me feel. And I know, without a doubt, that is the greatest thing you could ever give me.
She's got sunshine in her hair and the ocean her eyes. And I swear when she laughed you could hear bells ringing. But her soul echoes with emptiness like the walls of a mausoleum. And if you listen close enough, you can hear footsteps of lost loves wandering the halls late at night. She believed, with naive, childlike hope, that those lovers would stay. And she invited them into her heart, and soon they swallowed up her whole being. Now the emptiness leaves a ringing in her ears and an ache in her bones. There is a struggle in the beating of her warn and tattered heart. Isn't it sad that such a pretty thing was drained so completely; without a second thought.
I find it funny how I always used to complain about not being able to remember my dreams. Now that you're in them, however, I wish I couldn't. I don't beleive in signs, but are you coming back to me?
I learned a long time ago that nothing matters as much as you think it does. But a single look from you and I feel like a house that's burning to ashes. The flames burn hot and wild so that in the end I'm left with nothing but the memory of your eyes on my skin. The way you say my name reminds me of the eye of a hurricane, calm and steady amongst the chaos surrounding it. And even a little touch from you makes me feel like glass shattering; my pieces scatter too far to put me back together again. This is the kind of feeling that reminds me that there's more than the pain I've been in. I know that everything is insignificant, but with you it doesn't feel that way.
One day I will be ready to burn every trace of you out of my life. On that day flames will be burning wilder and hotter than any wildfire. You'll feel the heat in your soul. Burning at the edges at first, then slowly engulfing your whole being. And I will smile knowing that you've always been afraid of burning alive.
Those little white lines seem to erase every little problem, don't they? But be careful, dear, you can only run for so long before everything comes catching back up to you. It'll hit you square in the face, leave you with a black eye for a week. Don't let it get that far. Put down the little baggie, put away the credit card, you're better than that.
Missing you is like the ocean. It rips through me like a hurricane. It floods over me like a tsunami. It engulfs me in waves. I drown in it. And, oh, how I love the salt water.
I hope you remember me at the worst times. When you're kissing her, I hope she tastes like me. When you're ******* her, I hope you moan my name. I hope those skinny white lines that you once found an escape through begin to bring me to the back of your mind when you're coming down. I hope that every cigarette you light reminds you of the ones we shared that summer in your truck.
I hope that you see me with someone new and it feels like someone is ripping the veins out of your heart one by one. I hope that you can never get high enough to get me off of your mind. I hope that the years of smoking catch up to you and you lose your breath. I hope you never fully regain it.
I love you.
I can't imagine a day without you. I need you like an addict needs their fix. With you, the highs are higher and the lows are oh so low. You're like a drug to me and maybe that's why it aches so deeply when you leave.
I'm sorry that I'm so needy. I'm sorry that I need you to make me happy, to get me high. I'm sorry that I held onto you so tight and it just hurt the both of us in the end.
I miss you.
I'm sorry that I didn't realize that people couldn't be fixed. I'm sorry I didn't understand that you can't save people. I wish I could have stood by you while you saved yourself.
I'm happy for you.
You look happy with her. They say getting over an addiction is the hardest part, well it looks like you're stronger than me.
I don't love you anymore.
*I'm lying. But that doesn't matter. I just need something to keep me from going back to you. You were like a drug to me and maybe that's why we crashed so hard and burned so hot.
I'm still imagining the day you show up at my door. Will you have flowers in your hand, or tears in your eyes, how about an apology on you lips? How about I miss you, I love you, I never should have left.
I like to think that I would tell you it's too late, I've moved on, you lost your chance. But I would probably open my arms and hold you tighter than I ever have. I would say I know, I love you, please don't ever leave me again.
Because the truth is love never goes away. It hides for a while to help your heart, your pride, you. But love always finds it's way back.
I'm still imagining the day you show up at my door, it will be the day you finally realize that you've always loved me.
I write poems to remember you, and you snort ******* to forget about me. We all find solace in different things.
I hope you like the poem I wrote about you.
I hope you fall in love with the pretty words I used to describe the ***** things you put me through.
I hope the next girl you love reads it and knows it's about you.
I hope she has the strength to stay away from you like I did not.
I hope you fall madly in love with her and I hope that her strength and resistance hurt you.
I hope you wake up in the middle of the night wondering what you could have done to keep her and I hope she's out flirting with boys who are not you.
I hope you feel the pain of unrequited love like I did and I hope you realize I'm not so pathetic.
It takes 21 days to make or break a habit.
It's been three and a half years and I'm still in the habit of missing you.
You're like the cigarettes I used to smoke. I always knew you were bad for me, but the rush I got from inhaling you was worth the risk. The cravings I got when I was without you for so long; the restlessness, the ache in my chest, the need to inhale your toxins into my lungs and blood. Every time you left the cravings intensified. But if you go long enough without something, you learn to live without it. So I'm learning to live without you and without the nicotine. Its been six months and I'm breathing better without either of you. I still haven't figured out which one hurt me more; you or the cigarettes.
— The End —