I would sing you a song
But my heart's out of tune
Sore from all the playing with
Its melody's blue

But I've a lovely escape
Where I forget about you
It takes me a while, but
It's worth coming to

'Cuz when I'm there I can laugh
And show how I feel
No holding back
All my smiles are real

To remember the past
Is a fruitless affair
I'm erasing the memories
Content not to care

If your words make me cry
Or wish I were nothing
I'll just breathe, close my eyes
And find what makes me sing

I lost cuntrol when I was nine years old.
Mother took my hand off my crotch yet left my brother to the confinement of his ****;
Girls good, boys bad, and oh no sweetheart your beauty is your only power.
And I’d blush; not in the way she’d hoped through the sweep of a brush but rather when my teacher left her hand lingering on my back as she bent over to tick the formula of the female form and cross out what the chimes of the church commanded.
I looked at the curve of the x she used to mark the spot and sighed.

Teach me. Teach me your ways so I can breathe in the sweet blossom of your hair as I rest in the bossom of your heart, its smells like lavender. Lavender.
Lavender sweet dreams honey and I will see you there tonight.

It was then I began my perpetual low earth orbit from dream to dream and departed from what mother said that day when I asked the question that makes mothers quake as they smooth out the creases in their dresses and tuck their unravelled hair behind bitten ears.
Making love. We made love only to make you, darling.
Mother smiled sweetly and turned her back on me as her mind traced back to that morning when she made mad passionate love with the milkman when daddy wasn’t looking. I am still waiting for my little sister.

If practice makes me perfect then meet man, mother.
I used his rocket to launch myself into space where I spelt her name out in the stars and jumped over the moon to Venus. I felt the warmth from her skin like the sun that keeps me alive. Alive. Alive.
Warm me, darling, just with the nestle in my vessel in my veins in my sugar coated spaceship.
We found sticks and made smores and we floated together, with my hand tracing your V in that three-dimensional galaxy between your legs we fell in love. No void existed between our celestial bodies as gravity pulled me into your arms.

He came as I came back from space thinking of nothing but the soft shape of her hips and the trail of her spine that led me back to earth.
There’s man with his grey socks still on his feet, dark matter on the sheets and a wrapper on the floor.
******* I thought, but in the sky…
That night my mother asked me why I am smiling.
I said I have become an astronaut in orbit with a woman who I love in space.
She cried shes lost it.
I smiled, nodded yes, I've lost it to her.

I lost cuntrol when the earth, heavens and waters fell in love and sailed and soured as we danced on the tree tops of your garden, with waves crashing beneath us leaving salt shimmering particles like diamonds on your feet.
You were my alphabet soup that filled me with too many words, the thrill of the prize at the bottom of the cereal packet and the noble intentions of stopping the Titanic from sinking with the touch of button.
We had love at first sight like David and Jonathen, Ruth and Naomi who boarded the ark as my back arched in passionate throws below deck, as Noa held Emzaras hand smiling.
Adding a letter to her name on Transgender Tuesdays was just an afterthought.
Opening her drawers to pack up her boxers and bind her ******* Noa smiled as the clock cocked Tuesday.
She entered her escapism; what the Bible calls a natural disaster, I just call natural.

I lost cuntrol when I re-arranged the stars like pick and mix, so I could always find my way back to you. When you said I love you I wondered whether I’d had too many dolly mixtures and where jelly babies came from.
Sugar rimmed your lips like salt on a martini and left me drunk with desire as I licked around your edges. You slipped a haribo ring on my finger and I gave you my loveheart.

I lost cuntrol one day when my lover Alice said eat me. She showed me Dinah who hide beneath her skirt and I followed curiously.
I didn’t ask her to say please but that’s another story.

After her lesson I was told the Sputnik satellite was man-made and I laughed.
Oh no, women have been launching rockets with complete cuntrol between their legs for years, leaving the earths atmosphere and dreaming of everything else but ***** ****’s ****.
During countdown they think of shopping lists, whether they’ve burnt off enough calories for wine with their girlfriends, and sometimes, sometimes, of her.
Do good girls go gay?
In space, my mother said, in space.

When we were dancing on the moon,
prancing through the market,
and advancing up the mountain,
the rack was white, bright
and empty.

When we would walk to school,
undock and sail the seas,
and rock the midnight scenes,
the rack was clean, unseen
and empty.

Now I stare, loving
and loathing the rack.
Now there are shoes.
*****- worn out white.

They lie there, cold and still-
empty shells, their spirit missing.
No dancing or prancing,
no walking or rocking.

Just rotting, still
and alone.

You're so bright,
But your eyes look so tired.
Are you okay?
Who are you in there?

When there are people around you,
You're always smiling,
Always;
So you must cry alone.

If I could, I would share your tears,
Take half of your sadness;
We could share the burden
between us.

I see you hugging yourself
and biting your lip,
Like you're afraid that you might
fall to pieces
if you let go.

When you look away
can you see your troubles there in
the distance?
There outside the window?
There in the doorway?

Please stop crying,
And trying to hide.
Please stop hurting.
Please stop hurting.

A most beautiful Rose

In all that beauty, that of a rose
To see, its scent, may I propose
A sonnet or some rambling prose
To compliment it as it grows.

A pink, a yellow, blood red verse
A turn of phrase to intersperse
A sanctuary where I immerse
A once off bloom not to rehearse.

Be great; be graceful in your bloom
Posy soft, petal pantaloom
Life’s union of young bride and groom
So vibrant in their special room.

Such dreamy gentle lines that find
A paint brush, colours intertwined
An ******* for creative mind
Natures gift thus wined and dined

All fifty years, each well walked mile
You still reduce me to this smile
So radiant flawless in your style
Fill fifty more, it’s all worthwhile.

That which I pay for, dearly -
The mattress beneath me is imagined to be your chest.
You would cradle me, the way I feel cradled by your gaze.

That which I pay for, dearly -
The lack of holy fiber, which strain to kiss my bones.
It is these very bones - how they ache.
A deep burn, down to the charred marrow.

That which I pay for, dearly -
I pain to hear your voice.
I fear it is warped by the stale heat within my brain.
Its echoes vibrating within the damp cave of my memory -
The pitch now sharp, I suspect.
It rings, a ghostly bellow - to that I cling.

That which I pay for, dearly -
Draw the line in wet concrete.
I fill it with pitch black ink when dry.
It is a line I dare not cross.

This blue pool ripples after the sporadic thumps of my heart.
I bottle it.
Fill the blue glass with beads and pearls - an effort to make this ugly thing sightly.
But it is bottled, I swear.

That which I pay for, dearly.

He was my first
love

He gave me butterflies

When we were together I needed to always
touch him
hold his hand
lay on his chest

He gave me anxiety

When we were apart I needed to always
hear him
know where he was
and who he was with

So many nights spent
laughing
loving
together

so many more spent
crying
alone

I gave him my heart
I gave him my body
I would have given him everything
I did give him everything

He cheated
He lied
and still he loved me
and stupidly,
I still loved him

I walked away
he broke me
finally
I walked away
carrying the pieces of my heart
In my young hands

He got engaged
(to the girl he cheated on me with)

I moved
out of this country and across the world

I patched up my broken heart
It took a long time
and a few one-night stands
there were pieces still missing
and scars where the cracks were glued
but I understood this heart much better
than before when it was whole

Now I'm with my new love

When we are together
We cuddle
We read
We watch movies

When we are apart
We send each other updates
and tell each other
I miss you
I love you

I don't always get butterflies
but I never have anxiety

Almost every night we
laugh
and
love

and when I rarely cry
I'm not alone
and he holds me
and says he's sorry
or I say I'm sorry

He fills the holes that were left behind
and my scars are nearly faded

But sometimes I think back to my first love
my young love
my innocent love

And although my first love
at times felt like
magic
buzzing bees
and hot electricity
running through my veins

my new love feels like
warm cookies
a sweater on a crisp day
sunshine in the cool wind
and home
And I know that this is better.