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Anna McNutt Jun 2018
I am driftwood in this ocean.
Anna McNutt Jun 2018
When you stop to writing,
All your old words seem foreign,

You read the lines you have once memorized,
And think:
What imposter is this?
Who have I become?
Anna McNutt Jan 2017
We start at yours, in autumn,
As I sit cozy on the couch
Reading a fairytale about Neverland,
Leaving that bittersweet end
In my mouth,
I pause to glance at you, time-to-time, always cooking,
Your living room smells of paprika and
Tangy, hot spice fills the air,

That night it’s laughter with our friends,
Gorging on food,
And watching you get drunk
On happiness,

I carry you to bed, kiss your forehead,

On another day, in winter,
I hide behind my scarf,
And look up to you,
Eyes laden with love,
You smile, and look away
Checking the time of the train arrival,

In spring, we walked distances unheard of
And grew tired,
But our hands never parted,

Cherry blossoms adorned my street,
A dog watches us out the window,
And you kiss me every time before we walk in,
To the damp house
Cups of berry tea to keep us warm
Cool all year round – London, after all,

Quick! A flight
I stare at half your face
Droopy smile and sleepy gaze,
You remind me to feel loved,

And I remember a night out
Drinking pungent beer,
Guitarist in foreground,
A black piano cracked open,
Clapping, singing…

In summer, we walk more,
The sun is hot, your shoulders broad,
Sea salt hair, rough warm skin,
Sand everywhere,

God is on your side,
A wooden cross hanging as a pendulum
In your car,
You drive us to the waterfalls
Where the water is biting cold
And mossy rocks, slippery,
We climb up & up,
You tell me to jump –
I chicken out.

We paddled back through strong currents,
With burnt backs,
Our bodies entangled underwater,
And then that bittersweet taste
Washes through my teeth again -

Miles are collected,
Train tickets crossed in red,
We take long bus rides together,
Curl up against each other,
Knuckles hurt from holding hands,
Limbs numb from sitting,

When we arrive to the island of freedom,
Loud music greets us,
Dirt inhaled,
Liquor spilled,
No worries or care,
Passionate kisses in the tent
When –

I am reading in the autumn again,

To waste time now,

            I ran past train seats to kiss you goodbye,

                  This is where we should have ended,

                           Obliterating moments after,

           I saw your soul when we were making love,

                  Gave you part of myself,

                           Keep it

But leave the rest,

Leave the rest of me to me.
Anna McNutt Oct 2016
People keep asking me why
I do the things that I do
And as we lie side by side
I’m telling you:
I want to figure it out.

I am not scared of anything…
But spiders
And sharks
And graveyards.

I walk into
The autumn of our days
With stage fright
And an indifference to our separation,

It terrifies
And releases me.

Cowardly men,

I could be your greatest love,
Or I could flatten into nothing.

The milk could go off,
I may forget my lines,
And we can hang from the highest point,
(knowing you’re afraid of heights)
But it is the fear of
Dying alone -

And maybe we fall in love to
Have something to do.

Maybe I don’t need to
Figure it out.

Maybe I should
Sleep alone tonight.
Anna McNutt Oct 2016
you cannot hurt me
and then heal me.

you cannot do both.

if you choose to take my heart,
and shatter it to pieces,
you cannot take it up,

and cut your fingers,
to put me back.

that is not your role.

and it breaks you too,
but I cannot heal you,

I must learn to let go.
Anna McNutt Aug 2016
My God, how I’ll miss finding your body in the dark,
How I’ll miss smelling your cologne on my skin,
How I’ll miss your hand on my thigh during long bus rides,
How I’ll miss your music and watching you dance,
How I’ll miss sharing films and breakfast in bed,
How I’ll miss your voice when you call at 2 AM, drunk,
How I’ll miss waking up to you, finger tracing my hip,
My God, how I’ll miss you,
How I’ll miss loving you.
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