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Do you remember that time of innocence?
When the horrors of the world were invisible,
and you were so much more than invincible?
Do you remember when you didn't doubt for a second that you were amazing?
When you wore those "crazy" things,
And sung at the top of your lungs, unashamed?
Do you remember when you raced outside at every opportunity?
When catching fireflies were the only thing you could think about in the summer,
Other than swimming in the open sea?
Do you remember when laughing came so easily?
When you didn't catch the naughty things in kids tv programs,
And when you had a million perfect life plans?
Do you remember when you woke up early, because you couldn't wait for the day?
When you spoke so fast, because there wasn't enough time,
And when you created a trillion random things, because you wanted to?
Do you remember dancing, or bobbing your head to some random tune in your head?
When you ran out into the rain, without shame,
And screamed until your lungs ached?
Do you remember when you learned everything, and wanted to still know more?
When you were so proud of getting one thing right,
And not caring if you weren't perfect?
Do you remember watching your older siblings, or grown-ups do things, that made you say "I can't wait until I grow up!"?
When you loved yourself, without a doubt,
And had the power to do anything, or be anyone?
I do.
And I wish I could have all of that innocence, and freedom back.
I wish that openness, and self-love had transferred into my more mature life.
I wish that nonchalant way of doing everything had stayed.
I wish that careless way of dancing and singing had tagged along.
I wish that I had stayed carefree for longer, instead of quickly becoming cynical, and depressed.
I wish that I had never pushed to be a part of the grown-up conversations.
I wish that I had never rushed into intimacy.
I wish that I had held onto my wildest dreams.  
Because, now,
I regret every time I said
"I can't wait until I grow up!",
Because each time I said those words aloud,
Its pushed me further away from my imagination and wilderness faster, and harsher.
Because each time I said those words, and every single adult around me said that I should hold on to my childhood,
I replied with anger and irritation, not knowing the hell that I was rushing into.
I want to go back,
Don't you?
I walk to my favorite coffee shop.
The soothing smell of beans
awake my soul and jump start my mind.

Through the motions
I would order my coffee
and go about my day.

That was until
a firey red head
said hey.
Anguish poured over

               its open and avoidable.

                              He goes to the bathroom down the hall.

                                             I’m so glad I

                                             am not alone.
© A H Butler
I sat there next to you
in a cold room
filled with the secret battles
of two lovers
caught in the middle
of failed expectations
and disappointment.

No one knew me
the way that your fingers drew me
when the tips of your nails
mapped out the curves
of my flesh.

No one knew you
the way that my hands knew;
holding your broken soul
collecting the pieces
and doing the science;
molding them with metal and irons
so that when they were reassembled
you'd be stronger than ever
and never break again.

Yet here we are,
perfect strangers
that desire no more
than to feel something
worth feeling...

or to simply just not feel alone.
"I feel like I have known you my whole life..." "Do you?"
It's not his fault
He can't be
The man I wish he was
Why is letting go of you
the hardest thing I'll ever do
when you said goodbye to me
so easily
I can’t forget it
though I’ve tried
I can’t erase it
from my mind
I just replay your love
I think of it all of the time
because I don’t want to live
in a world without you
so now I’m stuck
in an everlasting blue
constantly wishing for your return
but you have moved on
we've had our turn
our beautiful fire
has already burned
Maybe its foolish
to hope for a spark again
but I will never let go
I will never give in
my darling I loved you then
I love you still
I love you now
and I know I always will
I feel so pathetic for still caring so much about you when I know you never will but I don't want to imagine a life without you in it. You have moved on and started a new life but I am still stuck in the same place, in the same town, and I'm still letting my love for you control my happiness.
I want to feel sun again
I am tired of the pouring rain
I do not deserve to live my life like this
In the presence of this constant pain

I have given everything to you
Trust, mind, body, heart, and soul
Although you cannot see it
Inside me is a gaping hole

Never will I fall for anyone
As hard as I fell for you
You took the innocent part of me
That wasn't afraid to love and lose too

Can't you see how hard I am trying?
Look at the sacrifices I have made
You have given up nothing for me
That does not seem like a very fair trade

I am not the only one with flaws
And the way you are acting proves it
You said I was immature
I think you are a hypocrite

It sounds as if all you care about
Is what's best for you and your routine
Do you ever think of anyone?
Anyone besides yourself I mean

You know goodbye has not been easy for me
I am just trying to express how I feel
So sick of watching you be okay
And treating this like it is not a big deal

Ignoring me will not force me away
It just makes me confused and worn out
And I worry that I am wasting my time
On an "us" you care nothing about

I long to be appreciated
Want one person who will love me back
Not someone who cannot be with me
Unless I get my life on the right track

Something invisible keeps me here
I do not know why I cannot let go
I am in too deep to walk away
Loving you is harder than you know
Baby don't talk to me, I'm trying to let go,
Not loving you is harder than you know.
-Escape The Fate
This isn’t want I wanted
I just want you
I want to love you
I just simply cannot
But I go along
For the adventures
For the poetry
For sweet nothings whispered
By you, a stranger
depression depression depression

Stop it.


I is me and
you are you.
Seperate from identity
yet your lies root to my core.
I can't help but listen as
gravity gradually seems heavier

You can feed on me
that's fine.
Distort my reality
and take my smile.
But you will never take my hope.

The endless source behind the
Of my soul.
You'll never cease the
I in me.

So form each woe,
but forever is my soul.
Endureth this universe.

Go ahead.

Take me.

depression depression depression
here we are
on this crazy ride
an end fast approaching
and i don't want to get off
but eventually
i'll have to feel solid ground
and i've always been afraid of heights
but you are worth falling for
you are something i'll never forget
i'll never regret
you are worth every second
an adrenaline rush
and a safety harness
all at once
and i wish we had
endless time
and our thrills
weren't so hopeless

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