your feet weren't fully grounded so I pushed you
the next thing I knew, you picked me up and pulled me in too
I felt weightless in your arms...weightless and protected
yet I had to choose and once again you were rejected

It feels like you were never here
Like I imagined you coming back into my life

i push the memories away hoping I'll forget them like you're forgetting me

I won't let myself feel. I've grown cold, numb, emotionless to you.

You build up and I build down
You have roots and I have wings
You are calm and I am wild
You are nurturing and I am destructive
You are loving and I am hurtful
You stay and I leave
You walk and I sprint
You sit and I pace
You smile and I glare
You are disciplined and I fear rules
You are patient and I'm anxious
You are healthy and I dysfunctional
You are perfect and I am not
You ask why I love you.
Because you're everything I'm not.

I'm angry at myself
Did I force the one person I love most to leave?
Why am I struggling with this?
Why can't I just be better?
Why can't I just have him?

I close my eyes and I picture my dream home
I picture this house in the middle of a piece of land
It has a porch that wraps around the whole house
You walk up the stairs to get to the front door
When you open it, you see a small living room to the left
Directly in front of you is the stairs
There's a kitchen in the back and on the right side a piano for a small music room
It's rustic but not necessarily old
Wooden floors and empty frames on the wall
You walk upstairs and there are different rooms here and there
But the master bedroom is adjacent with the front door
The stairs leads right too it
As I walk up the stairs into the bedroom
There is you
And that's what makes this place home

In the end, whatever argument or whatever place we stood I knew that I would wake up and you would be there with me and that made any place with you bearable...the fact that you would always be by my side.
So tell me what to do now? Tell me what to do when you're gone. Tell me how to breathe because I don't think I can anymore.

My love for you is a paper lantern lit in the sky
The northern lights in Iceland
Big Sur drives along the coast
Light house journeys
The hills behind my house towering my childhood
Walks around my neighborhood
The passenger seat in my car
Oregon and roadtrips
The grey stripped sweater that I sleep with every night
The plants that I desperately try to keep alive
Late nights on my red couch kissing each other, trying to be closer and closer
My 21st birthday in Napa when I imagined what living with you would be like as we sat on the couch in the hotel room watching dumb tv shows
Carriage Hills
Music that only you could ever relate to you
Words that only you would say
Lists that we created together
Random places where we've peed or kissed
Jumping into a body of water with you in the middle of the night
My love for you exists when i close my eyes because when i close my eyes and think of my happiest moments i see you

I sit and think i'll never be able to move again if you're not here
I don't think I've ever been this sad in my entire life
Losing you is unbearable and my whole being aches
The pain won't go
The pain won't leave
It's probably too much to call and ask you to come over and hold me as I cry

Your whole being attracts me
Your sent...even the cigarette smell that sometimes lingers on your clothes
Your hand as it holds mine
Your arms as they wrap around me
Your lips as they kiss my sickly frail body
I could never desire any other body to be next to mine

I didn't want you to let go
If I could be in your arms forever I would
I feel safe and I know you'll do your best to make me happy
You'll do your best to protect me
But you let go
And I looked at you and I watched tears streaming down your face
Tears that I caused once again
And I couldn't bear to look at you
It hurt more than you'll ever know

I can't breathe without you
I can't think without you
I can't act without you
You control my entire being
You are good and just
You love and You are graceful
You have mercy that is new each morning
and yet I don't know how to submit to You

believing has never really been a struggle until now
I never really wondered, never even really cared how
a concept I just always knew
that was never the challenge that grew
but now all that's bursting forth is that doubt
steaming and screaming out of the spout
where are you now
where are you now

unexpectedly stepping towards your back like a gust of wind enveloping
you never once could say you were seeing
encompassing your body it invades your insides
paralyzing your spirit it stays but hides
you couldn't catch it if you desired
for it's made you become tired
every ounce of fervor or passion has been drained as it's been squeezed out of you
there are no words to express or explain the occurrence of the blue
an unexplainable funk settles upon the soul
to **** you dry till you're left dull

You can take off the mask or you can walk out the door, I don't want the lies you feed me anymore

strung up on the words just said
not wanting to be in your arms, not wanting you to touch my head
you shut down as I spoke, the frustration awoke
assuming irresponsibility, was all that I wanted to be
the images in your mind were screaming at me, unconscious me unconscious me
unreceptive to anything being stated, I just get frustrated that we ever dated
holding me to an old perception of who I was, assuming that I would be in that buzz
they started playing and we couldn't speak, you drew near and I drew angry and weak
in our frustration we couldn't help but marvel and speak, at the voices that we were there to seek
they ended, and you said, "im done being unfair," you let down, you let down, cause you simply care
my intentions aren't to hurt, but you know I'm just some dirt
baby don't abandon me when im weak on my knees and you're wanting to flee
promise you'll take care in the good and the bad, that's what you had, that's what you had

You inherited my fears
You inherited my insecurities
You inherited my movements
You inherited my words
You inherited my thoughts

I created you
With every flaw you have laid before you
You've become the person I've shed away, you've become the person I was in years of that dark gray
I love you as you were, I love you as you are
But in this moment realize, you carry my filthy scars
I don't want them back but we can shed yours too, we can get rid of this grey and this blue
Don't rub them on me, it took me so long to get them to flee

the inspiration flows and it just goes and goes and goes
the emotion never stops as it grows with all the crops

you consume me so I cant even be
taking every space of thought in my mind, I cant even begin to unwind
your control over me leaves me as anything but free
I think it's best you walk away even though I'd rather you stay
the future looks to gray, I can't even make out what it'll look like in may
the commitment and constrictment leaves me shaking in fear, i'll hurt you, I can't help it my dear

I've given you a key to this body that consumes me
You can open the door and out I will pour
You're aware of its contents and every single fence
But you'll let it come out and catch it all without a single doubt
I stare at you in disbelief and fear, could you ever want all this fear
Baby you don't know what you're getting yourself into, I'm a mess of every different blue
Leave me as I am, hand me back the key, you'll be better off without me

it's a wicked and twisted love
we know nothing but fragments of discarded clay
we try to put the pieces back together but we're as shaky as the weather
we allow the logic to flow out of brains, hoping to soon receive something worth the gains
but we go with the flow of our bodies in a sick and passionate rhythm, feeding the flesh that so easily entangles our beings
we destroy, we destroy, we destroy
in the inevitable repetition of our sin, we allow to happen, we allow it to win
you couldn't deny the satisfying feeling that overflows your nature, we can't hold out to be anything close to pure
you love my body under yours, as you rest your hands on the frame of my curves
my tongue in your mouth and my body pressed against yours, we can't take a stand we just open the drawers
exploring the beauty of this gift we're abusing, we consistently are misusing
can we even deny ourselves the simple pleasure, of having each other before the intended measure

you're like a drug pulsating in my veins
you're an addiction that wont die
causing my body so many pains
you have control my love, my oh my
your power is frightening to my own soul
you can wound more than you even know
and the more I give the more you have the whole
you can choose at any second to go, go, go

We take pride in what we write
We're unique and silly souls
We rhyme and we rhyme
We express the injustice crime
We judge our work to harshly
We're our own worst critic
But we forget one thing
There are no rules my friend
There are no rules ole soul

I like your eyes and the structure of your bones
I like you in ever single tone
Your whole being attracts me
I couldn't even begin to flee
Your a skeptical soul
You don't believe in change as a whole
But I'm here to prove you wrong
Let's finally write that love song
You loved me in my unfaithfulness
My soul was a distressed mess
I question whether to applaud you or think you a crazy fool
There was always this pull
The attraction isn't dead you said
You're still in my head, you're in my head

Here we are

I'm not sure if we'll get very far

But it's like you said

The initial attraction won't ever be dead

You're ingraved in my being

It's not at all freeing

You're carved in memories I've tried to forget

But maybe it's time to take that step

They're creeping up so I'm letting them out

If this doesn't work they'll be pain without a doubt

But maybe it's time we give it all up

Abandon control

And surrender to the one whose completely whole

the rain beats on the windows.
the rain beats on the ground.
the thoughts come to the surface.
as my heart falls to the ground.

I feel drenched in my own sin.
Again and again I let him win.
Give me the strength to change from my ways.
Don't let me go on like this for days.
Forgive me and help me.
Take this all from me and let me live free.

I go into this mode of someone I don't even know.
Sin has a grip on me and it can't let go.
I've given a foothold and it's my own fault.
I can't even think and halt.
My mind gets clouded.
Sinful thoughts play in my head.
And in the end, it's always regretful.
At this rate I can never be His tool.
Change my heart.
Blot out my transgressions and give me a new start.
Forgive me and do not be far from me.
That's my only plea.
Just save me
from me.

you took advantage of me.
so i'll leave with some dignity.

this is the repition of my life
the cause of all strife
the emotions come later
like the food brought out by the waiter
to most the emotions arrive as we sit down
but i feel nothing so i sit with a frown

this is my life
i'm in this town now
living with strife
asking myself how
i want to see you
i so desperately wish you wanted to see me too

i see it every time i'm here
the broken and ugly sin
i see your struggles my dear
i hope this is a fight you win
i long to stand here by your side
to give advice and comfort
to encourage you along the ride
i know deep down there is hurt
but i pray and pray you run to Christ
He's the only one who will satisfy
Realize what He's sacrificed
and you won't be dry

I've been ripping you off my rib cage.  
We planted a garden in that spot.
The roots of every flower are  gripping there.
They perfectly intertwine with each rib I shared.
They won't let go of the bones inside me.
They've been wrapped around quite beautifully
But you've gone and so must they.
Instead they grow strong each day.
They need to be uprooted.
They aren't welcome anymore.
They are tearing each rib apart slowly.
They've been digging to get to the *****.
That heart that's down there somewhere.
They desire remembrance.
But the ***** is hiding deeply.
It is to painful to remember.
But the war won't stop.
The two sides battle.
As the heart sinks in.
And the roots dig in.

I'll rhyme when I want.
Some times the words will flow.
I'll rhyme when I want.
I'll go when I'll go.
I'll rhyme when I want.
And be elegant when I choose.
I'll rhyme when I want.
And I'll occasionally hear some boo's
I'll rhyme when I want.
Because I simply can.
I'll rhyme when I want.
Not thinking of a fan.
I'll rhyme when I want.
And express the situation.
I'll rhyme when I want.
When I feel the motivation.

I saw you Sunday morning.
You were dressed in white.
You blended with the rest in color.
But you also stood out so bright
I sat right in front of you.
Not by choice.
And I saw you look in my direction.
I was in the corner of your eye.
I knew you were uncomfortable.
I do know you pretty well.
We dated for a year, you know
And we had so much fun
But I left and soon after said we're done
I regret it so much now you see
I honestly wish none of this could be
Can we go back to that time
When you were all mine?

I don't want to desire you in any way shape or form.

I don't want to desire you; you always cause a storm.

I don't want to desire you; you're a heart breaker at best.

I don't want to desire you:  with you I'm never at rest.

I don't want to desire you so please leave my thoughts and don't waste my time.

I don't want to desire you; you'll just cause a crime.

i walked in
and sat right in front
of you.
that was the first mistake.
for every memory
i had with you
flooded my mind
as i watched you on that stage.
i'll admit
that i miss you.
and i'll admit
that i want you.
but am i still in love with you?
or am i in lust with you?

i can't sleep any longer
and i'm not getting any stronger
you won't leave my mind
everywhere i go it's you i find
don't think i've forgotten
the memories stay at the tip of the pen
always there if i needed to be pulled back
but each day, i try so hard, to fight, pick up another pen, and pave a new track

your jacket stays on the shelf with the others i own
and the braclet you gave me stays in the drawer with the phone
i can't recall the sound of your voice but i wish too
i remember those specfic things about you; you were always scared of the flu
oh how you'd laugh and smile every time i said something absurd
do you remember one of our first walks where we had named that bird?
i distrinctly remember the way you looked at me
you had me under a spell, i was far from free
you loved me with everything you had
and you never knowingly let me be sad
your frequent kisses would wear me out
but i miss them without a doubt
indeed, i do miss you very much now
but the person you've become...the dramatic change...i don't understand how

I want to start anew.
I could be anything.
I want to start anew.
Forgetting the past sting.