I needed a heart and my kind mother gave me one, while caring me on her shoulders through the midnight light, telling me to be brave and that it will serve me well.

I believed with her heart resting in my chest I'll never feel pain, but the pain is there up to now burning grief and regret. I am questioning in tears “Is this pain born from love, or is this love born from pain?”

How can I know?
When I am the child that took Mother’s heart and departed for the promised land without looking back at the baskets of black grapes we picked in our vineyard before me leaving, Mother’s hands squeezing the grapes all alone making the red wine that was served with everyone, but me, at her funeral.
She did the impossible to protect me from grieving. Right now, I wish I can find something I could blame her for.

Mother,
you gave me your heart,
and it serves me well. I want you to know,
I never had so much pain,
and I never had so much patience.

You gave me your heart, and it serves me well.

I never write when I'm happy,
rather, to peel the scabs off healing scars
sculpt the pain into calibri and bold
paste my black skin onto the white screen
and wait
for the views to roll in
which i use as validation,
and bandage myself up again

They idolized my deep seeded melancholia
claiming it graceful and unique

it was neither of those qualities however

subtly  existing was a despairing emptiness within the deepest depths of human consciousness,

someone whom ought not be idolized in the slightest

born in disorder
heart in unrest
instability within my soul
with chaos for bones.

if the anguish ensconced within my heart alongside the distress infused in my soul were translated upon my skin
you wouldn’t recognize me..
.. as broken as I am

🕳

Being a poet
is both a pain and a privilege.

All you do is
bleed your emotions
on a thousand pages
while people sing your praises
for ages.

scratch my fingers
until it turns red
clenched my fist
till it left a crescent mark
hold my words
till my throat hurts

I'm tired,
keeping all this feelings on my own
living in fears
being scared of everything

I just want it to be over.

/f.r/