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Only three months are left
Until graduation.
I am so scared.
I don't care if I fail all of my classes,
I don't care about how I look,
And I most certainly don't care about how other people view me.
But in three months,
You will be gone.
I'm so scared of it.
You are my best friend.
I love you dearly.
I'm trying to memorize every part of you
So when you leave I'll still remember you.
I remember every odd, quirky thing
That you told me about yourself.
I remember how you were always there for me
And you never gave up on me,
Even when you saw me at my lowest.
I remember all of those weird and crazy conversations,
We would have at midnight.
You are the smartest, most wonderful,
Kind, funny, patient and geeky man
That I know.
In three months, you will be at boot camp
And I'll be in this small town,
Where nothing changes and everyone talks about each other.
You'll be excited to start your new life
As a Nuclear Engineer  
And I'll become a distant memory.
That is what I'm scared of.
I don't want you to forget me.
Even though you once told me
That I am an amazing and a unforgettable person,
I'm so worried that you will forget me.
But this is your dream job
And I fully support it.
You will be under the sea, powering a submarine
And I'll probably be working in some
Dim, dull, dusty restaurant on the main street.
*Good luck, my astronaut man.
The moon has always held a special and private part of my heart.
Now he occupies that space.
"You can't let someone in a bit and then slam the door closed."
I said to you.
I was frustrated with you.
Because once again you started to tell me
What was wrong and
Then you closed me out.
Said it was nothing.
Then a few hours later
You said, "Do you have any questions for me?"
I stared at my phone in confusion.
"I'm a open book."
Yet again this confused me.
Then the next day you said it again.
I think you took what I said to heart.
You actually started to let me in.
Right now you have told me more about
Your day than you have ever had before.
I just want to know,
Why the sudden change?
I'm really happy today.
For the first time in a long time, I don't have to fake being happy.
Early morning rehearsal woke me up
And put me in a good mood.
In choir we sang in Latin,
Which is my absolute favorite language.
In Trig I got all the answers right.
I'm leaving my 7th mod
To go to a blood drive.
That means I get to miss my last two classes of the day.
I really dislike those classes
So this is a plus for me.
I'm so happy and I'm not sure why.
Does it matter why?
No it doesn't!
I'm not going to let anything stop my good mood.
Not myself.
Not negative people.
Not even negative thoughts can bring me down.
This is my first really good day in a while
And I am so thankful for it.
Darling, its almost been a month
Since you said goodbye.
I was sad, heartbroken, crushed.
But now, I am content.
Yes I still miss you like crazy
But I understand.
I just want to thank you
For all the wonderful memories.
I want to thank you
For making me feel beautiful
When no one else ever did.
For making me realize
That I could be unbelievably happy again.
Thank you so much for everything.
I only wish the best for you.
"Please don't be mad but I'm considering
Early deployment to boot camp."
...
I'm not mad at all dear.
I'm just...sad.
Everyone I ever cared about or loved
Has left me.
I'm not sure that I am
Strong enough to survive you leaving too.
But I understand.
Its what you want and I refuse to
Stand in the way of your dreams.
I just wish that I didn't care so much.
I was actually happy.
So happy.
But this feeling is back again.
This dark cloud.
It hugs me gently
Like a old friend.
I shove it away by it holds me tighter.
****.
I really thought I was getting better.
Well I guess I'm never
Meant to be
Happy.
I'm in the gym.
There is a teacher/student basketball game.
I'm surrounded by people
But I feel so alone.
I just want to go home.
Then curl up in bed.
I want to go to sleep
And never get out of bed.
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