in a society where eating disorders are less of a concern and more of a trend
we dont compare grades anymore only cuts and scars on our wrists
everything is  political and you need to stay woke
in a society where my trauma is on display so people call it
woke

it’s 2pm PST
my PTSD is eating me
ring finger on control key
my poor and lonely body

It's all just numbers, isn't it?
Day by day,
Year by year,
Always counting.

Day by day look at the number on the scales.
Let the caloric calculator count until your head is filled with numbers.

Minute by minute count the seconds it takes for him to text you back.
Let the doubt and fear multiply until your head is full of him.

Term by term let a percentage on a piece of paper define your worth.

Don't we have better things to do than count?

i spent my life trying to please
someone with a twisted disease
i broke myself down
and tucked my feelings away
to become the person
they wanted me to be
i let myself be watched
through the glass of a two sided mirror
of a sociopath
i wallowed my spirit away
and begged for acceptance
but there’s nothing in the world
that i could do
to let the narcissist know
that i am human too

Voices in my head constantly tell me I'm not enough, gorgeous enough, thin enough.
They tell me I should change who I am because I won't be loved looking rough.
They tell me I should have a smaller nose, smaller thighs, smaller everything.
They say "you're prettiest friends are your thinner ones. If you wanna be like them then stop eating every single little thing."
I'm disgusting, they say. I'm unworthy of love and I'll never find it.
"GET YOURSELF THIN." they scream. "AND YOU'LL FIND TRUE LOVE IN A BIT."
The voices are cruel. They never let up. They tell me "All of your thin friends get the guys attention, you don't because you're ugly and fat."
"They never give you a second thought because you're too big." They spat.
I know I'm ugly and fat. I'm not thin. My mind is a toxic place so I'm giving up and giving in.