Life asked death, "Why does everyone love me and hate you?"
Death responded, "Because you are a beautiful lie, and I am the painful truth."

Be happy* they said
**I know I should be happy....
But I'm not...

I don’t sleep.
No I’m not an insomniac,
But when I sleep I dream
And when I dream, I dream of you
And how you’re somewhere,
Dreaming of her
What you don’t understand,
Is I love you more than she ever will
And I find myself constantly comparing myself to her,
Asking myself,
Wishing I could ask you,
Why I’m not good enough.
The voice in my head tells me it’s because she’s
Prettier
Skinnier
Funnier
Smarter
Happier
Better
That I’m worthless
Ugly
Fat
Stupid
Depressed
A freak
That no one will ever love me,
But honestly,
Who could love a monster like me?
You’re the only one who can make me feel like nothing else matters
You make me happy,
And though it’s wrong,
You’re the drug that gets me through
Or so I thought.
Because sitting here crying,
Wishing I was dead,
You seem more like a poison killing me slowly
But I wish you wouldn’t be so selfish
Just **** me already
Or I could let the pills do their job and take away my pain forever
But I don’t regret not saying anything.
My mistake was thinking you actually liked me
Your mistake was falling for the wrong girl
But it’s okay
Because within minutes I’ll be gone
Into a sweet
Everlasting sleep.

Poetry
A word majestic in its own,
Poetry is a tool
A path I take to calm down
A direction I go when bland sentences alone can never truly express,
When the words stay trapped in my throat,
Never spoken,
Because I am not able to show my true feelings through spoken words.
I write.
I don’t like to talk.
Because talking leaves room open for disagreement
Talking, airing my thoughts, seems to ******* me.
Leaving me defenseless, a target to aim for.
Poetry is my small way of winning when I can’t win elsewhere,
Poetry is a battle plan,
Poetry is a blueprint
A map to my emotions, my feelings, how I view the world.
Poetry is like a script
When I can’t speak anything from heart,
When I’m sometimes trapped in my mind
And the unspoken, unwritten words catch me in a web,
I write.
I can organize my thoughts in a way that makes sense to me.
My poetry doesn’t have to make sense to others
My poetry doesn’t have to live up to the standards of others
My poetry doesn’t have to meet the status quo
In my poetry
I’m finally free to express
To say something in a society that’s gone at ends to keep me quiet
To finally tear down the walls that have kept me prisoner in the silence
Agree, or shut up, they say.
My poetry doesn’t have to agree
My poetry reflects back to me,
And I’m proud of the sentences made by words strung together
Out of the 26 letters of the alphabet,
Isn’t it amazing?
Get to the point, they say,
But how can I describe what poetry means to me using simple words such as
Happy, sad, and mad?
Give me something to work with here.
You don’t have to like poetry
But I love it.

Tell me,
When you look at me
Do you see what I see?
Do you see the girl that's actually me,
Or do you see what you want me to be?
Do you see the girl who sometimes cries,
Cause she'll never think of herself as "pretty"?
Do you see the girl who skips meals,
So she'll end up classified as "skinny"?
Or do you see the one that makes sure evryone else around her
Is happy?
The one who'll give anything to see people smile
So they don't end up broken
Like she is?
It's like looking at different sides of the moon,
She has a darkside
Can't you see she's terrified?
Or did you never bother to look in her eyes,
And see the pain she tried to hide?
Notice her cries for help,
As she dies inside?
No.
You never thought twice about it
Upon hearing this you'll probably tell her she's beautiful
But she won't believe you.
You haven't seen her darkside
Well, my darkside...
So I'm left with pathetic thank yous to weak compliments
As I try to gather my thoughts
Determine true or false,
But it's almost always false
That's why I'm scared, you see,
When you call me gorgeous, beautiful, pretty
Because that girl you see?
I don't see

Mixed girl
Being mixed, I’ve never quite fallen into a category.
No I’m all not black,
No I’m all not white,
But a sweet mix.
Problem is in most situations I am forced into a slot,
Told what I am and what I am not
Don’t hold me to stereotypes
You don’t know me
Don’t take me and shove me into a cluster of a single ethnicity
Don’t judge me based on the color of my skin
How I’m too light or not light enough
Too dark or not dark enough
The fact of the matter remains
I will never be a single race, a single ethnicity
I am African American, Irish, Polish, and Native American
“Mixed girl”

When love turns hate
It's always sad
To somebody I would once die for
I now don't even speak to
So you wonder why I'm scared,
When you say you won't leave me-
Because everyone who said they wouldn't
Did.

Where I was, was bad,
But where I am is worse.
I feel like they’re taking away who I am,
Filling my bloodstream with anti-depressants,
Forcing me to become someone I’m not
Someone I don’t want to be.
The fact remains that my sadness defined me
Struggling against the medication
Desperately attempting to hold onto the part of me that’s me
Wanting so badly for my days to mean something
Instead of the same bland depressing schedule I face everyday
The pills do nothing but supress my suicidal thoughts to my subconcious
So I'm forced to fake a smile, one unlike any other.
This one is to keep them from increasing my dosage,
And I'm scared.
I've never felt so alone
This is what I get
For asking for help

“Eww who let her out of her cage?”
“She’s fatter in real life. LOL”
“That makeup makes her look like a clown.”
“Go die in a hole. Nobody wants you.”
“Go **** yourself already!”
“Wow hahaha you’re really stupid.”
“You’re 13? 13 hundred pounds, maybe.”
“Clutz.”
“Idiot:”
“You’re worthless. You’re not a good singer, a good dancer, or even good at math. All you do is read.”
“Jump off a bridge, do us all a favor.”
“*****.”
“Go to hell.”
“You must hate yourself.”
“You’re pathetic.”
“Look, she’s crying! Hahaha”
“You’re ugly as ****.”
“Who’s ever gonna want you?”
“Oh, you’re crying? P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!”
“She attempted suicide….ehh, she deserved it.”
“You’re such a failure. You couldn’t even **** yourself right.”
And you wonder why I’m depressed
You wonder why I don’t eat
You wonder why I cut
*You wonder why I wanna die

The saddest part
Is I have no one to blame
No one to be mad at
Because my only clear enemy
Is myself
My thoughts
They hold me hostage,
They conjure up things
I so naively believe
They drag me onto the battlefield
Against a reflection of myself,
My negative thoughts.
My opponent attacks me with words
She viciously convinces me
Who I am is a waste
And I attempt to fight back,
But I’m powerless
How do you defeat your mind?
She continues to attack,
Calling the razor to kiss my skin fiercely,
Until it is I guiding it
And I am defeated
I know this is what she wanted
And I’m sorry
I have not only lost the battle,
I’m so tired of fighting,
I’ve lost the war
I’ve lost to myself
I’ve lost myself
But in this moment
I am noting
I feel nothing
But the all too familiar
Emptiness
And the longing
To end it all