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Andrea Zapiain Jun 2017
Indecision attempted to drown me

I learned to swim through its tortuous streams
made friends with the fish
wrapped my arms around algae,
dived for pearls

But my legs grew tired
the fish swam downstream.

As I grasped for air
Time started on number one, exactly where it stopped
two decades, and two years
all the hundreds I can't remember
all the thousands that left no trace

But I didn't transform into foam
and when my feet touched land I knew
indecision tried to drown me
because I never belonged to the water
and my destiny was to fly.
Andrea Zapiain Jan 2017
I seem to have left, unknowingly
tethering from the edge of a familiar window
drowning on a coffee stain
in the eyes of a memorable stranger
or hanging from the torn pieces
of my least favorite letter,
a strand of red string

It used to bind me together
tightly, perfectly
almost simulating a whole

The brick and mortar
the absolute, terrible choices
the beautiful aftermath
now left behind.

Perhaps, forever.

I flew away
the North roaring, soaring

I burned enough bridges
to shine with the fire of a thousand Suns
so why do I feel so cold?

The gleaming city
the sunrise, somehow off
what exactly did I want before?

The string disintegrated into
a hundred different useless words
What good is my cursed vocabulary?
All I wanted to say was made of porcelain
all I ever was or could have been
deflected by the gleaming possibility
of a life away from predisposition
and even that, my friends, is a lie!

This is my warning, my truth, my curse;
I only ever learned how to unravel.
Andrea Zapiain Sep 2015
The trouble has been inked across the pages
and I wish the manuscript would crumble
after all these years of reading
once, and over
in the dim candlelight
all the words we've spilled and kept

Will it have been worth it, after all?
The question echoes in my chest, but my mouth is closed
and yours, I wonder if there is an echo at all
Or if I ought to change my focus and concede
that all I ever loved were my own ideas
and you were the perfect pretext
to create something out of nothing
and complicate my existence

Every time the waves came rolling
and receded
they spoke only of regression
of the eternal pattern, and never of conclusion

I am tired of finding meaning
and diving into the unspoken word

I am not impossible,
so what is this fear?
Perhaps a way of elongating our conflicted time?
I am tired, worn out, please understand
I will not fight for you
I've had enough of war

The colours return, just like the waves
the shade and the gardens have nourished my misery
my blue verses, my blue voice
thank you, most profoundly, I'll sing
if silence is your answer,
thank you and goodbye
for even the most silent stole your thunder
and you're not bold enough to steal it back.
Andrea Zapiain Aug 2015
Green, through the open windows
if we truly were two isolated pieces

weddings, singers, possessive past
I never would have guessed
and yet, I found you intriguing

Was disclosure deterring?

If I drowned in our careless words
would it be such a horrible death?
Andrea Zapiain Jun 2015
It was an impossible feat
to traverse deep seas
in a boat full of water

this is no pledge for forgiveness
and in absolute truth, this isn't for anyone but me
when inebriated with newfound words, I realized
I have been running from the dephts of spoken truth
favoring bite sized romance
and a lifetime of saying "no, I do not believe in the ocean"
how foolish to think anyone believed.

He promised me endless mountains
and peace of mind
Yet, I chose my own broken compass and the freedom of fresh air
only to find I always had been tied to another falling leaf
autumn in our lungs, an unbreakable string
never a choice

No matter if someone else loved me in the best way possible
or if I tried my luck at odd romances
I found one thing that's remained true through all these waves
but let's not say anything yet
not until it's time to build a bigger boat
and get lost in the sea.
Andrea Zapiain Jun 2015
I was tired, drowning
I chose love first, and then realized
that love can't be chosen

it drags us to colors
when reason is monochrome
breaks anxiety to inconsequential shards
takes air from my lungs,
relish the lack of oxygen, the lack of thought
gives ecstasy, rather than quiet moments of indecision
inconvenient, stubborn
soaks us to our very thoughts
it is unavoidable, the monolith

love didn't bring me here
I did, on my own two feet

and for that I am profoundly sorry.
Andrea Zapiain May 2015
Longer than I'd like to admit
I have been lost

I'm running to find me
before permanent damage is fact
forgive my packing of things
my swift goodbye
my unpronounceable pain
but understand!
I wrote you a letter with a proper word
you turned it away
and your red rose dried up, once again

yet, I wish you nothing but the best
I can only hope you do so too
even if forgiveness is impossible

I will continue to run, in and out of arms
which you'll undoubtedly hate
in and out of lenses, and actors, and the art of my life
to a place we couldn't arrive

I hope for so many late nights
Insomniac, as I've always been
I exist in peace, knowing I won't be disturbing your sleep
you see, I was never to be held
I have only ever been myself
at least for now, that is all I can be.
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