Ashamed ashamed, strayed, lost and afraid
Afraid of the stares and the look on my face, the sound of my voice and the shape of my frame

There was no name to call out, no one to turn to, no future to hope in, all bridges were burned through

Ashamed, in shame, shame was my prison
All I had was myself and the sinking suspicion
that I could never be enough /my future was written…

naked, afraid, exposed and alone… alone… so weak and alone
And then in the pit, in the dark, crying out,
A voice like a blanket covered my doubts
And for a brief second I could see through the clout --

A me without blemishes, apart from rejection,
as if nothing had wilted my frail fine perfection,
as children and home and soothing all comfort…
and then sinking back in, did I even belong here?

Don’t I deserve the shame, oh shame, ashamed and unworthy
So I ran to an alter and threw my heart to mercy,
I was weeping, no wailing for freedom from hurting

But I couldn’t go back to a self with no savior,
no salve to soothe burdens or soften my anger

Then LIGHT, then form, then heart bursting rapture,
"No shame, no shame," you bellowed in laughter
And you came, you were love, it was you chasing… after...after… me?

Racked with guilt for the waste and the dirt on my skin,
you embraced me, unlocked me, invited me in

Calling life from death your words fashioned a new me,
crystal, and jasper, light dancing right through me …
No shame for my children, unashamed in my eyes
[--- twirling and buzzing unashamed but why…]

what gain is there where I had been?
What trade could fair my sorrowed sin –
more than this world, its passions and pleasure,
you lifted me to the truest of treasures

And now with the key to free dark hearts from prison
I rush back to Canaan and to find that which is hidden…
Where ear has not heard and eye has not glanced,
You shine light near the broken to give them a chance

And I, with your eyes, now see my true worth,
to sing of our lovesong renewing the Earth

Now stares cannot stop me, or whispers faze,
I am one who has captured heaven’s gaze

I invite all from shame out from Cain and the curse,
to be washed by the sight of he who loved first

We are his prizes, his treasure, and frame,
oh how he loves the shamed, lost and afraid

My father walked me down the aisle,
But my mother held my arm.
He went with me,
But we went not towards the altar,
But towards the door.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And the ***** rang through the church,
Humming through the elaborate crown molding,
Carved by my ancestors.

He went,
Not beside me,
But before me,
And I watched,
As he was illuminated by the bright,
Overbearing,
Texas sun.

My father walked me down the aisle,
But I did not wear white.
My father walked me in silence,
And I shed tears not for a man standing at the altar,
But for the one I would never see again.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And no veil obscured my face.
All eyes were upon me, but not for my pristine beauty,
Instead for my clenched jaw and furrowed brow,
Severe and fierce to distract from my glassy eyes.

My father did not leave me at the end of our walk to sit beside my mother.
She clung to me for support and sobbed breathlessly,
Loudly,
Unavoidably,
And I carried her with one hand,
My sister the other,
And walked towards my future.
A future family,
Not one person more,
But one person less.
I walked,
One final time,
With him.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And I will never forget it.
Hundreds of eyes isolating my family from the crowd,
Slow and muffled sounds drowning in the deafening beat of my heart,
Blurred faces staring,
Black heels clacking against the cobbled path from the church,
The anguished wails of my mother,
The whimpering of my sister,
And the wooden box that glided before us,
Pulling,
A string tied to our patriarch,
The pin key of our family,
Pulled taut and then snipped with the slam of the hearse doors.

My father walked me down the aisle,
Before I had a chance to grow up.
He walked me,
Out of the church,
Away from the altar,
Never to be walked again.

Don’t fall for me,
simply because
I will turn your kisses into similes
kissing you is like watching a sunset; slow, and beautiful.

Don’t tell me you love me,
simply because
your words will form metaphors in my mouth
you are a thunderstorm my heart is not ready for.

Don’t fall for me,
simply because
I am selfish,
every breath you take, every word you speak
I will find a way to turn that into a composition of letters and sounds
for my own purpose.

Don’t try to be with me,
simply because
I will try to trap you with my words
every space in my broken sentences will be filled with thoughts of you.

Stay with me,
I’ll turn your existence into a poem
stay with me,
I’ll engrave your name into my verses
stay with me,
stay with me,
stay with me,

so I don’t have to turn my heartache into a poem of sorrow once again.

I have not felt at ease with the world in a while,
but that has changed,
simply because
you are my world now
everything I do,
I do for you.

So this is a warning;
don’t fall for me,
simply because
I am a thief who is good with words,
*I will steal your love
and turn it into stories of malignancy and almosts.

If i told you i needed help
would you listen?
Or would your silence
Echo off the walls.
See my life is like a car,
Sometimes moving fast
And other times so **** slow.
If i told you i feel hurt inside
would you not just hear
but listen
to what i said
I need someone to care.
Im tired of trying to fight alone.
Im tired of trying to survive at a table for one.
If i told you
I cry all over my body
And each tear is a knife
And they are leaving scars on my flesh,
Would you cut me a bandage,
Sop up my blood,
Or leave me to bleed out.
If i told you
I was alone and my demons are taunting me
would you get me out
Or would you keep walking
or keep scrolling...
Im not begging for attention,
But one cannot be expected to be alone and silent like a life long detention.
If i told you
I was ready to confess everything
Come clean from my secrets,
Strip myself naked so you could see my imperfections
would you care even the slightest bit
Or are you so selfish
And so ignorant
To walk on
And leave this person to die.
If i told you i was ready to die
would you blame it in cliche,
Or believe it and save me from damnation
Its time to think.
It could be up to you
This isnt just my world,
Its yours, too
and dont you want to be
somebody
To someone?
I need you.
Because all of these "if i told you's
Are becoming
**im telling you

I.

No, don't go now. Please
don't go now; the fog is creating ghosts
out of people and we're breathing clouds out of our mouths.
Tell me about that time when you held your breath
under the lake for six years and still survived;
tell me how if I do that, it'll never work.
I'm not a sea God
any more.

II.

My knees tell better stories than my tongue
ever did, please don't; wretched hive harangues
the mind in a plague, can't you see I'm holding you down
and telling you you're all I ever wanted,
you're all I ever wanted; your head is the stuff of dreams
you're all I ever wanted; you can put your arm
right through me and only feel mist;
I am fog. I'm creating ghosts out of you.

III.

Make it up to me in a rainbow of hues of grey;
at the end of it I'm holding my ribs open. I've never
been more colourful and sad at the same time.
You're the mirrors to my house; stay
has always sounded better than don't go

yet neither seems to work anymore.