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Apr 5 · 63
kinds of days
aya Apr 5
there are good days,
then there are bad days;
there are days that start out alright
but then they spoil, and i cry over them at night.

days when i realise there are still remnants of the pain,
ghosts of the past that cling to me, memories that remain.
it's so easy to bury them, you know,
yet it's so hard for them to let me go.

on days like these, i try so hard to be okay.
i distract myself with things that make me feel
as if the pain was never there in the first place,
i just wish that feeling could stay longer, be real.
04022021 / 1356
Apr 5 · 67
part two
aya Apr 5
ilang taon na ang naka-lipas at wala akong naisulat na kahit na ano
sa lahat ng nangyari, sa lungkot, sa ligaya,
hindi ko magawan ng kahit simple lang na tula.
parang naubusan ako, para bang naubos ako.

pilit kong sinusubukan,
ngunit napagod lamang ako.
napagod piliting may maramdamang malalim,
sa mga panahong pakiramdam ko hindi ako karapatdapat makaramdam ng kahit ano.

ngayong sa aking pag-balik, nais kong maka-salubong ang dating ako.
sana sa panahong ito, mahanap ko muli ang sarili ko.
04012021 / 0438
Apr 5 · 1.1k
part one
aya Apr 5
i can still remember how i used to pick up a pen and paper,
and i would have so many things to say,
things that used to matter,
too much going on in a day.
04012021 / 0438
May 2019 · 188
two sides of a story
aya May 2019
he says he loved her, but only as a friend;
she says she would still love him regardless, until the end.

she says she loved him way too much;
he says he loved her too, but not as much.

he says he tried to return the love she gave;
she says she was a martyr for love, and a slave.

she says she would never tire out;
he says he did not mean to just fool about.

she says he tricked her into giving all her love away;
he says she did it all on her own, that he didn't even have anything to say.

he says she suddenly vanished into thin air;
she says he became someone she could no longer bear.

she says he–the he she first met–had left her;
he says she–the she he knew best–turned out to be just like his mother.

she says she tried to stay with him;
he says she broke her promise–“through thick and thin.”

she says she still loves him, despite what happened three years ago;
he says he is not the same person she loved from long ago.
(060119)
a.e.
May 2019 · 79
why
aya May 2019
why
When somebody leaves and takes away all your bright and happy colors,
Why would they not take with them the blacks and whites and greys?
How could they bear to see you suffer with these sad and lifeless colors
When they could have just left you with nothing?
Isn't that even their purpose for leaving?

Why would they have to leave fragments?
And all you're left to do is see them,
Everywhere you turn, everywhere you look.
Longing for them, yearning for when they'd come back
Even though you know they won't.

Why would they want you to hurt if, in the first place, they loved you?
Or would that have been just something that slips from their lips
From time to time,
Said to every one,
Anyone?
originally about Z. written in June 2017. never published. 'til now. two years later. but now with the realization that he never left. but he isn't here anymore either. (。•́︿•̀。)
Aug 2017 · 27
why is it that..
aya Aug 2017
When you kiss me,
And I close my eyes,
I see his face.

When you hold my hand,
And I grip it hard,
I feel his warmth.

When I think about what I want,
And think about the future,
I don't see you anymore.
Aug 2017 · 799
163
aya Aug 2017
163
"I want you.."


Reading those words slowly,
taking in every word,
a minute at a time.
My stomach felt like a volcano.
And I knew that at any moment,
I would erupt.


"..to be happy"


My world crashed,
and my whole being shattered.
I wanted you.
So much that I didn't even bother
what other people would say about me.
But I guess you didn't want me the same way.
(06172017)
Jul 2017 · 250
if i were paper
aya Jul 2017
If I were paper, you could be water;
And I’d allow you to seep into my skin,
Not bothering how wrinkled I’d get right after.

You could also be fire;
You’d burn me to ashes,
But I’d love to feel your warmth all over.

Or you could be ink;
And leave me with our story,
Of how desperate I was for the love you could give.
a.e.
(03252017, Germ Magazine)


An old piece. About an unrequited love for a boy who used to mean the world to me. But whose existence now only serves as a reminder of another lesson learned.
Jun 2017 · 306
belle
aya Jun 2017
They tell you to get over it,
Because you understand more.
But you're sick and tired of all of it,
You just can't take it anymore.

But remember, when someone is tired,
They do not necessarily stop.
They find ways to again be inspired,
So don't you give up.

You're already nineteen years through.
And all you need now is a break.
So if you feel like stopping, just remember:
**I'll always believe in you.
a.e.
(06192017)


For Doodle. To all of us.


Sometimes, we feel like giving up because the people in our lives who should be our inspiration are the same people who drag us down. But I want you to know that no matter how tiring life gets, we should always look on the bright side. Like the fact that when we can move out and be independent, we don't have to always have them around.
And I've made that my motivation to never give up on life. It may sound selfish to others, but they don't know what I go through everyday.
So no matter how selfish it may seem to other people, if it's what will make you feel better and keep you motivated, then keep it in mind.
It will be your anchor.
Jun 2017 · 284
common sense
aya Jun 2017
You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

The same way you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

Neither can you find someone who tries their hardest not to be found.
(01172016)
Jun 2017 · 476
vacant spaces
aya Jun 2017
We took our broken hearts
And safety-pinned them together.
Maybe we were meant for each other.

But how did it come to this?
Is it possible that we were only
Filling up each other's vacant spaces?
a.e.
(06122017)



"Do we really just fill up each other's vacant spaces until you find it in your heart to just stop?" she asked him. But he never answered. He never will. Because he'll never know of this.

- an excerpt from one of the countless books i wrote for you
Jun 2017 · 1.2k
we never had a closure
aya Jun 2017
Because there was never an "us."

But you're wrong.
Because there was an "us."
Everybody knew.
But you denied.
And so I did too.
05162017
May 2017 · 577
i still do
aya May 2017
I still do, even though I know I can't sing,
Because I'm happier when I strum the strings.

I still do, even though I know I can't dance,
But only when I'm alone will I ever prance.

I still do, even though I know I can't draw,
And when I finish, I am filled with anything but awe.

I still do, even though I know I can't write,
There seems to be nothing I can ever do right.
a.e.
(05232017)
May 2017 · 2.4k
kung pwede lang sana
aya May 2017
Kung pwede lang sana,
Hindi na kita nakilala.
Sana hindi na lang ako nagpaka-tanga,
Nagpa-akit sa iyong mga mata.
Sana hindi na lang ako umasa
Na ang "tayo" ay may posibilidad pa.

Ngunit kung hindi kita nakilala,
Kung hindi tayo pinagtagpo ng tadhana,
Mahahanap ko pa kaya siya?
Makikilala ko kaya ang isang katulad niya?
At tulad nating dalawa,
Pagtatagpuin din kaya kami ng tadhana?

At kahit na ninanais kong hindi ka na sana nakilala,
Dahil ito'y hindi na mababalikan, wala na 'kong magagawa.
Nangyari na ang dapat mangyari at ang nararapat:
Ang makilala ka, magpakatanga sa'yo, at ang hayaan kang ang aking puso'y tadtarin ng sugat.

Dahil dito, sa totoo lang, nagpapasalamat pa nga ako.
Salamat kasi hinayaan **** magpaka-tanga ako sa'yo,
Dahil sa'yo, natuto pa nga akong tumanggap ng pagkatalo.
Maraming salamat dahil sinaktan mo 'ko,
At dahil dito, may nakilala akong iba na tunay na mamahalin ako.
Salamat na lang talaga na hindi naman naging tayo.
05032017
Apr 2017 · 235
my own knight
aya Apr 2017
I dreamed of a knight
in shining armor,
come to rescue me
from the witch
who haunts me
day and night.

but you came instead;
and with you came
the realization that
to be saved,
I have to be
my own knight.
04022017

— The End —