Why is it every time I get ahead I just fall back down?
One step forward twelve steps back,
Why everytime I feel a glimpse of contentment,
I end up crushed?
A wrecking ball to the chest
Knocking me back
Taking my wind
Crippling me with terrible force.
To say you broke my heart doesn't do the pain justice.
Crushed me
Mangled my body into pieces that will never be whole again.
My littlest kin
Why?
Who are you?
The mask you wear shields what you use to be
I remember the conversations
Hours spent teaching you
Coaching you
You, so eager to learn and willing to accept every aspect of my religion
Jah was good to you
Is this the same girl?
The one spitting at my face?
Yelling? Hitting ? Pushing?
Terrible things said send daggers of pain to my heart
Every thump sends shreds of glass through my veins and out my extremities
Only to circle back inside
Endless cycle.
I miss who you use to be
I am loosing faith
When do I walk away?
When do I say it's time to go?
Now.
Now I am done.
Now is enough.
I've held on for so long
The rope has finally snapped.
Things will never be the same.

I have not written in a while. My life is complete and filled with joy and happiness. I write when I am broken, and I haven't felt the need to write. I feel something coming though. Something locked away deep inside that needs to be set free. It will break out of it's cage soon, and when that happens be prepared for heart wrenching poetry straight from my mental break downs. Thank you all for your love and support.

-Amy John
P.L.U.R

Lost in a pit of despair
Looking in retro spect
Should have changed the sequence of motions I neglected to face
Avoiding the signs
Pretending
Scheming
Forgetting
Remembering a moment too late
Seconds
Minutes
Hours
Countless hours spent
Searching for the right melody to sing
To play
To listen and speak
Fighting the loosing battle
Nothing but weak
Pathetic and helpless
A joke
So full yet so empty
So warm yet so cold
So understanding yet so ignorant
Silence
Keep quiet
Fake a smile
Share a laugh
Hoping that one day
Maybe one day
This will all be a dream
Fake and unreal
What is it?
Unspeakable force weighing on your shoulders
Controlling your mind
Speaking your thoughts
Is it you?
Does it make up who you are?
Who are you?
A whisper?
A secret?
Kept locked away brewing and boiling every minute it is ignored
Constantly fighting to break free from the cage so well built
Yet so collapsible
So broken
The battle will never be won
This entity will never be overcome
Outgrown
Forgotten
The shadow creeps close behind
Barely touching me
Yet I can feel the presence
I can feel it grow stronger every day
And every day I feel the darkness spreading
Creeping through each layer
Breaking through every door
Stalking
Lurking
Capturing
Controlling
Loose who you are
What you are
Where you are
How you are
The girl you once knew
Now a pathetic shadow of what use to be good
Blood turned sour
Spirit starting to rot
Happiness eroding away
Drifting off into the sea of empathy
Down the vortex of black
Crumpled up and thrown away
Memory haunts her
Day after day
Living each lie
Each worthless second in her miserable life
Worthless and alone
She closes are eyes
Waiting for the constant thumping to cease
And for the battle to be lost.

Scavenge for information
Lied to protect her from the truth?
Or lie for your own selfish habit?
Faulty words,
Mistaken hearts,
Shattering dreams.
Drifting into space
Leaving this empty place of sorrow behind
Leaving the pain from the lies so easily passed through your lips
No regret once spoken
Own selfish comfort to keep this secret locked up.
Does it numb the pain
Does it help you through it?
Does it let you drown out the horrors of your past?
I have horrors too
We all do.
Where is my way out?
Where is my escape?
How am I suppose to deal?
Alone waiting
Watching
Waiting
Watching
Hoping for a scrap of information
A minuscule notion in the array of schemes brought upon the weak,
There is no leaving the hell hole I'm constantly ****** down
Rotting on the inside
Why am I the one who ends up broken
******
Bruised
Forgotten
Mangled in the struggle towards salvation
Despair
Lies.
Always.
Burn.

What is reality?
Is it in the sky?
The whistling wind?
The whispering trees?
Or is it the voices that speak to me?
Ever so softly in the dead silence of the night
Dancing in the wind
Swaying to the silent music
Sweet voices sharing knowledge and helpful suggestions
Dreaming of a world where no harm is done
Wake up
With each passing second the soothing voices grow louder
Suggestions become questionably dangerous
Hinting on what they want to be done
What they want to finish
Walking backwards
Crooked head
Wide open eyes
Listening to the echoing silence waiting for the next word
Aggressive commands
Yelling and screaming
Bouncing off the cranium walls
Shrieking what they demand to be taken care of
Won't stop....

Won't stop
WONT STOP
Won'tstopwon'tstopwon'tstop
Circling and over lapping they continue
Chaotic noise fills the overwhelming silence that is reality
Too far gone
Pathetic attempts to cease the faceless demons
Run
Hit
Scratch
Scream
One way out:





Do what we say...



Think what we think...



WE are your reality now.

My mind is broken
My heart left to bleed
Empty and alone you left me to face the horrors of my life

Fate twisted and turned into what was instead of what is,
Feel the rocks beneath your feet,
Smell the dreadful sorrow coming from deep within,
Resist the compelling urge to fight back,
Accept the darkening clouds filling the sky leaving you empty,
Broken,
Alone.
Why do i suffer so?
All there is,
Pain.
All there ever was,
Agony.
Surrounded by dozens,
Yet so utterly alone in this.
Somehow i got lost along the way,
Forgotten and abandoned,
No one to listen to my cries.

I am,
Nothing.