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Bibby Oct 2015
.
From name to name I tried to fit what would please you,
From "Skia" to "Luchesi" to ones like "Paradeaux".
Over and over I tried to find an image that would keep me from pain,
To my misfortune you only used it for personal gain.

I have come to the point of duality,
An awful state of mentality,
Where freedom is lost not just in body,
But mind and life;
To cause sickness, fear,
Frustration, insanity
and ongoing strife.

What is my name? Do I really even know?
Who was I before I became a prisoner of control?
Everyone has grown hatred wanting to call justice,
But you see I understand now-that is why I instead call unto forgiveness.

Never hold onto hatred no matter what you've lost, not even the amount of fear, damage and pain-
Not even when you have lost your very own name.



Mind control suvivor...
<\3
Bibby Feb 2018
I don't remember when
admist a howling crowd,
my eyes started
s
  e
     a
         r    
             c
               h
             i
          n  
       g

for your face to bring me silence.
Late night thoughts.

(Sorry for the spam.)
2AM
Bibby Nov 2018
2AM
All I want to do is cry,
Because all I can think about is wanting to die.
Simple vent.
I hate depression.
I don't know how I am here anymore.
Bibby Jul 2017
Some may call me crazy, because often the majority do,
But I will never forget who you were,
Yes, I will never forget you.

Some will always see the evil, some will always pull out the bad,
But no one was born to be a cruel
person,
Nor an evil man.

You may never remember, you will probably deny it again,
But I remember the moment, when you begged to have a friend.

I remember when you spoke, you told me of your suffering and pain,
You told me you were once happy, when you were still, you quoted "sane."

You reminded me of your mother, and how you loved your sister so,
But how dark times came so sudden, how you had fallen so very low.

"He took everything away from me, and gave me to the Devil,
Now I remain in power, so I shall not ever fall to his level.
I hate what I've become, but ****, you will never know,
What it's like to see your reflection and hate it with a passion,
Wanting to **** what it shows.
They have me captive just as they have you,
They do not want anyone to know any of their truths.
I want to die and have prayed for my death every single night,
In hopes whatever god is listening will end me of my plight.
Please help me, I am so sorry for what I have done,
I truly do mean it, I swear on my family's on blood.
You may not forgive me, because what is left to forgive?
If anyone, it is you, who deserves to fully live."


Before I could try, before I could speak, you were gone again,
Your eyes turned dark and you had that smile, one that was ruthless and bleak.
As if a demon, silenced you, as if some darkness had won,
You were no longer your true self, no, you were gone.
You laughed at my tears, as I shed them that night,
Not in the name of my own suffering,
But because I saw a man lose his own fight.
To my abuser of 7 years, whom I have learned to forgive wholeheartedly and love. As an individual who is still more than human, but had fallen to a deadly illness and cold, empty heart.
Many often hate those who do evil, but as someone with such a strong compassion for humanity, Ive learned to always care and forgive even the most hated.
Yes it may seem crazy, but as said, no one os ever born evil, no one ever asked to be concieved in darkness.
"Do not blame the man who never saw good in the world, but blame the world that never saw the good in him."
Bibby Mar 2018
I live inside the shadows,
For there is comfort in being out of sight,
I fear you will see right through me,
If you hold me to the light.
Anxiety.
Bibby Dec 2018
Today, give a stranger one of your smiles,
It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.
Bibby Mar 2017
The biggest mistake you can ever make is to walk away from the person who stood and waited for you.
To the people in my life who both walked away and to those who stayed-for many years.
Bibby Aug 2015
Someone, anyone?
Are you out there? Are you near?
I have lost so much and I behold so much fear.

Even though I have found a beautiful hope and I have been shown true love,
There is still so much I fall short of...
...and still doubt thereof.

Have I not forgotten and given up all the bad and all the evil?
Or is there still something within me that intrigues the Devil?
Why is it still so that I mourn and suffer from the fangs and claws of the wolves and the mock of the crows?
Why is it so that I haven’t found my repose?
Wouldst one be freed from the wicked and far from all those whom have opposed?

Please; someone, anyone, please tell me why the "Prophet" and his "Acolyte" still look to attract, take, and keep me for himself?
Please, please, tell me why the false one never gives up, and why he never tires!
Is it because of his endless and conspiring desires?
Or is there something deeper that I have yet to transpire?

Can anyone hear me? Or have I been silenced by this wicked man long enough for those to forget that I am here?
Is anyone out there, can you hear my plea?
Or has he taken them all away from me?
Is there someone out there who still holds the love and sympathy I once known? Or has he deceived them too to leave me on my own?

Whichever it may be, please give me answers, please let me see. I want the truth and not a seducing lie, I no longer want to live crying, I no longer want to fear, all I want is someone to hear.
Not the voice of demons, not the sight of spirits. I don’t want the company of a single man, and I don’t want to live anymore under his commands.  

Please hear me; please understand, he can take away everything with even the slightest motion of his hand.
Dear ones, friends and yes, you! The reader in whom I may never know, please do not mistake a ''shadow show'' for the dances of the angels. I warn you, yes please be smart, that this form of trickery this unlawful act is no beautiful art.

I am a ***** to my fear, and I am imprisoned by things left unsaid, because I was careless and gullible and in time misled.
I wanted something out of greed so I let my heart decide, I let it blind me and let it misguide.
I fell for the wrong person, and I awakened the wrong intentions, and now I know what many speak of “sweet impressions.”

So you see and so you have been told, do not be deceived and do not fall for the unknown, for it will be something worth a large bemoan.
Beware the man who dresses as a Shepard but behind him falls the shadow of a wolf, take caution of he that hides his hands covered in blood.
He is no sheep, and he is no goat, but a ravenous wolf that loves to misquote. This ravenous wolf he will not hesitate to throw you to his pack and the rest of the black ravens, for in looking to find something wondrous and grand, you will find no such relations.

I am guilty and I am regretful for the mark on my hand, which leaves me to believe I will forever be banned. I live in my own mistakes day after day, all just because I wanted to hear what he had to say. The scars and the wounds placed upon me from this tormentor have made me no one special anymore.
The only thing I have known is to find what I need through him, and that is it, for he says: “Where else where there be a place that truly cares for you to fit? I am here and I love you, this is the truth not those whom you have looked to!”

It’s ever so painful, ever so hard to depart from the prophet who stabbed me in my heart.
Why does it hurt so much?
Why do I still bleed at such a thought?

I will be free and I will be happy! Yes I will finally be able to see.

Yet, he knows me and what I want to do, he knows just about everything and what I have been through.
He can read anything and he can see it all, but the one thing he does not want is any wailing call.
He fears he will be defeated and he fears one day I will win, so he will do everything he can to make me fall back down in his arms again.

Someone, anyone?

Oh if you please, won’t you help me?
Help me to be more at ease?
Won’t you show to me the light and not that of the dark?
Will you help me to be freed from him and make him depart?

Please oh please, I will not forget you, I promise to do the same, the same that you do. By this promise I swear that I can repay you with good things, ones filled with benefit, love and blessings!

I can teach to you what I know, and I will help you to understand, all because you were there for me to help me take a stand.
I just need to know that there is someone out there, other than the "Prophet" with unreasonable care.


Much pain and much sorrow, there is no "better tomorrow."
For the apostate has captured me and never intends to let me go,
That this is the ''only way possible'' that I can ever know.

This story is true, as true as can be,
Hopefully by then, will it help you to see.
That this world is not friendly and not many can be trusted,
For the circumstances I guarantee, will make you exhausted.

But fear not that I have lost and will wish for any kind of end,
I still hold and progress to make a strong and powerful spiritual mend.
I will hold steady to the only Faith that I know, to learn from experience- to develop and grow.

And may soon the time come when troubles are no more, and the Wolf and the False Prophets be forever done for."

---------
An old poem, but one that means, is, and still so much to me. Personal and however you see it, the story is mine, but that is for your to find out the truth yourself.
Bibby Apr 2018
Be careful how you share your light,
The glow can attract bugs that bite.
Bibby Dec 2017
My mother taught me neglect
And my father taught me fear,
It's not something you can just "forget",
The source of my paim seems clear;
It tastes like love but it is not ,
I am one who has forgot,
To know what home is like and can be called,
It feels so real but sadly-it's false.
Childhood Trauma
Bibby Dec 2018
The people who break you
Are not the ones
Who are going to put you back together.
Bibby Nov 2018
It takes courage
to lay yourself bare,
In a world
dressed up in lies.
<3
Bibby May 2018
There was a man, who I found bleeding,
What were the odds, the chances of meeting?
He held his heart, said it was dying,
Frantic, I kneeled and helped this man- without even trying.
When I screamed for help, I was unbeknownst,
That I had grown...a little too close.
Without a second call, he grabbed me and clawed away at my soul,
The man who I found bleeding? Was a man no more.
Recollecting on trauma and distrust I have for people due to it. It's both a blessing and a curse to love and care so deeply, and sadly, such foolishness has lead me "devoured" before.
Bibby Feb 10
Once upon a time,
Fact and fiction fell in love and gave birth to poetry.
:)
Bibby Nov 2018
Will you keep living the same way,
If death was not a distant concept,
But infact,
Just around the block?
Random.
Bibby Dec 2017
This life is but a garden bed,
The rain it comes and goes,
You can ***** yourself on all the thorns,
Or you can learn to love the rose.
Bibby Jul 2018
A man asked me why I was more afraid of people than I was a hopsital.

With a heavy, yet numb heart, I replied:

"I have had more IVs than I ever had hugs."
Simple late night vent.
Dealing with multiple chronic illnesses my whole life has left me with such a severe depression, sometimes I wish I could die than live like this.
In the passed month, I had been in E.Rs 9 times and admitted as well. As much as you'd think I would be relieved in the end I have treatment, and found a diagnosis after this years start of flare ups, infections, etc...
I wish at times I would just go to sleep and never wake up.
I am not someone who was ever strong against even the most simplest of pain, held strong in times when something came up, and I have severe anxiety about my health even if it is a small cough, every moment is watching the clock, pill bottles and appointments.

I know others have it worse out there, and I know there is hope...
But in moments like now, I see nothing more than pain the rest of my life and being a failure to every single person around me.

To those of you out there who know or deal with something like this...
I am so truly sorry.
Things like this, I would wish on NO ONE, not even the Devil himself.
I wish-as taken for granted as people are towards health and what they can have-
I would give anything to cure your soul than mine.

(Sorry to rant. It's late, I am trying to keep "dark thoughts" at bay.)

God bless everyone of you, and to good health may you always find.
Bibby Dec 2017
Depression is being colorblind,
and constantly told how colorful the world is.
.
.
.
:(
Bibby Dec 2018
If someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.
Bibby Jan 14
And so I poured myself
Inside my fears,
And they had no power over me
Any longer.
Officially came out as Pansexual today!
Bibby Feb 2018
Tell me, Father...
Which do I ask forgivness for?
What I am, or what I am not?
Which should I regret?
What I became or what I didn't?
Bibby May 2016
I don't know how to write the song,
That I'd sing to you every night,
I don't know if I can make you mine,
But I promise I'll make things right.

I don't know if I can sing you to sleep,
But the melody beats in my chest,
I don't know how many wrongs make a right,
But if loving you is wrong, I confess:

Maybe I'm not perfect,
But I did the best I can,
Maybe I'm not worth it,
But I hope you understand.
I know that I'm different,
But it stands that, in the end,
No matter how we're distant,
I will bring you home again.

I don't know what I can do for you,
To make your life more beautiful,
Just as I wish you were here for me,
Know that I'm here for you.

Here I am for you to hold,
Through each and every year,
I will be with you til we both grow old,
Yes, I will be with you, my dear.

So...
Maybe I'm not perfect,
But I did the best I can,
Maybe I'm not worth it,
But I hope you understand.
I know that I'm different,
But it stands that, in the end,
No matter how we're distant,
I will bring you home again.

I don't know how to write the song,
That I'd sing to you every night,
I don't know if I can make you mine,
But I promise I'll make things right.
Bibby Apr 2017
A swirling mist,
Undulating tendrils sneaking away...
Inky shadows fitting in and out of view...
Through the haze, I perceive a world that I have departed, a world I used to know.
I desire only to reach out and caress it, to whisper my silent goodbyes...
My tombstone restrains me, forcing me to remain dead.
Bibby Apr 2018
The only true cosmetic secret to ultimate beauty is this-
.
.
.
Happiness.
Based upon my love for people and seeing someone smile. <3
Bibby Feb 8
I gave you $20 but you left me for someone who gave you $30.
They had $100, I had $20.
Based upon years of being left and forgotten in many areas.  
It's hard for me to trust and make any friends anymore.
I barely have established a stable relationship due to issues and past of being cheated on, abandonment, being ghosted, and always being that someone who was never someone's first choice or friend.
And yet, I still love and get too easily attached.
I can never be angry or hold resentment...
I just wish others who know this pain, didn't.
Bibby Nov 2018
If Earth
Is God's clenched fist,
What are we giving him to hold?

In the beginning,
From blazing flames,
How did we-
Get so cold?
Just thoughts.
CSA
Bibby Aug 2017
CSA
A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort.
To help raise awarness toward something I personally went through enough to cause me to develop and struggle in such horrible and confusing ways.
CSA (Childhood ****** Abuse) is one of many worldwide issues that I am sick of hearing and seeing happen and hope more people can do more to help and hopefully change the world for those who struggle with fear, pain, depression, PTSD, anger and having been silenced and powerless when they should have had their wings and voices to fly.

This is for those who understand this and have survived what no child ever should have to remember.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST OR THE PEOPLE WHO HURT YOU.
<3
Bibby Jan 19
Allow me to dive into your mind,
If I fail to **** the sharks, I'll learn how to swim with them.
Based upon my relationship in which over three years now, we have both learned to better care and understand each other's "deep waters".
It's been a joruney of tears, pain and lessons.
But we are now engaged and have grown and learned so much now!
Bibby Oct 2015
You ask me "What are those scars? The ones going up your arm?"
"Why would you even think of self harm?"
"Why do you hate your own name? Replace it with another?"
"Why did you push away your own lover?"
"Why do you ***** after you eat? Why are you so obsessed with being perfect and 'neat'?"
"Why do you cry for no reason at all? Why do you get so angry when there is no reason to be at all?"
"Why are you so afraid? Why do you stay in bed? Why are you the way you are? "
"I am sorry, was it something I said?"

You see your questions don't scare me, In fact they aren't the first,
Just know this-when you are in pain long enough, you find any way you can to rid away all that hurts.


Excerpt No. 7
Bibby Jan 2018
It is truly a devastating thing to know that the sun rises every morning,
Only to wake up each time to see it set.
I am fighting suicidal thoughts daily.
Lately, nothing seems to help.
Not people, friends, professional help, medicines...
Or the relase found in poetry.

I haven't left the house (or even my bed really) for months.
I see no point.

Yet, still I write.
Bibby Mar 2018
Everything is boring,
Everything is sad,
Everything is scary,
And everything is bad.
Just a random and short poem that describes how depression is for me lately. -.-
Bibby Dec 2017
Truly and intense desire starts in the mind,
Not in the touch of a hand.
Bibby Sep 2015
"Why do you love me?"

"I know no other way to exist.


Reasons are always simple, but worth so much. <3
Bibby Jan 2018
I never knew much about people until I took one apart just to see how it worked.
</3
Bibby Jan 2018
Sticks and stones may build a throne but you will be up there all alone.
Bibby Mar 2018
Don't ever think you are alone here,
We've all been trapped in different hells,
And people aren't against you Dear,
They're just all for themselves.
Bibby Feb 7
The pools of water in my eyes,
Blur my vision,
But for once,
I'm okay with not seeing.
Bibby Dec 2018
Often the hardest people to love are the ones who need it the most.
Bibby Apr 2017
Here I am, lying on the floor,

I just can't go on like this no more.

From my wounds I'm crippled and weak,

From my pain I start to weep.

I feel the blood draining out of me,

All I want is for the pain to leave.

Let me sleep and never wake,

Save me from my wretched fate.

I should've known all along,

That this battle can't be won.

I've never been a hero, I am only me,

And that was never good enough to be.

But this suffering I shall not keep,

When I close my eyes for the endless sleep.
Bibby Aug 2017
The hardest thing I have ever did,
Was run away from you,
When you told me you loved me, but instead I hid.

The bravest thing I have ever did was protect myself,
I confronted you to your face,
"Enough is enough" I said,
"I shall no longer be chased."

The strongest thing I have ever done was cut off ties,
Realizing my 'protective cage' was a lie.
That I was in a prison, to you I was just a weak animal in a zoo,
To realize my mind and heart were victims from them and from you.

Yet...
The most painful thing I have ever done,
Was say goodbye to the only person I knew most,
To know that all this time the destruction in my life...
Was from the one who preyed close.
As someone who has gone through years of mental/psychological, physical and ****** abuse, for me the hardest part was to break free from what was always my "normal". To know that there is another way to life and the only real people you knew are not what you thought...
I still struggle so hard knowing I am away from my abusers. As much as I hate to admit.


This is for those who have done the same...
I am proud of you, you are strong and increidbly worth your new freedom. I love you. <3
Bibby Feb 2018
And yet, I believe the moon knows what it means to be human.
Alone. Uncertain. Created by imperfections.
Late night thoughts.
Ignore.me.
Bibby Apr 2018
You may be soft, fragile and delicate- like the petals of a flower;

But don't forget, you are also the stem, that keeps it all together.
:)
Bibby Oct 2015
Threw my pills across the floor and my blades against the wall,
Screamed until the voices stopped, cried until I was sick-does anyone care at all?
Vomited until I was sore, destroyed mirrors until glass was on the floor,
I fell to insanity leaving reality for a while until I came back realizing I was shattered form the core.*


Excerpt No. 9
Fat
Bibby Jun 2017
Fat
Fat, fat, fat.
All I see is fat.
I am the "chunkiest", the "chubbiest", the "roundest" and the "**** pig".
I might as well be a rat, the biggest of the big.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "just right", "average", "normal" or "perfect size."
They lie every single time, and ****, just 'like that'.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "too skinny!", "I wish I looked like you", "wow! Size zero jeans?!" and "underweight".
Yet, I refuse to touch this cold, stocked plate.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "awful", "dying", Miss "eat something" and "throne of bones".
Yet, this body will never be my souls rightful home.

Fat, fat, fat.
All I ever will be is fat.
Even in a long gown and stuck to the end of an I.V pole,
With doctors and psychatrists and loved ones crying and begging me to just "recover, please come home!"

I am still fat.


The hospital bed is empty,
My bed is left untouched,
There is a silence as the wearers in black all sob and stare silently at the body in the ground.
Devasted and hushed...

I see them, but can no longer speak.
No longer able to feel, no longer live,
Forced to watch time pass and hearts mourn...
Their days now heartbroken and bleak.

My  best friend doesn't speak, she now sits alone,
My mother sobs every night, family reminded
so often of my presence,
The one who secrelty loved me has loved no more,
Even my pets still wait outside my door.

Those who knew me, only can remember me in the things left behind,
Even the sun itself rarely shines.


Dead, lost, gone.
I am no longer fat,
But I also no longer- belong.
Recovery is worth it. <3
Bibby May 2018
A nother day.
C arelessly we go about.
C RASH!
I can only remember so much,
D ismayed, we all started to cry.
E verone will be O.K." They rushed.
N ightmares that leave me awake,
T hanking God, we are all alive.
This poem isn't all that good, but recently we (my mom, me, and my aunt) were all involved in a car accident and I am still having trouble getting through this. We are all okay, but not without our own injuries, although my mom suffered the worst in breaking her back.
I started a GoFundMe account for her to help her in anyways I can, since I am going through guilt, and bad depression for seeing her this way.
The link to her page is here: https://www.gofundme.com/s9d4qv-daughter-needs-help

Any donation helps and I am only doing this to help her with the support she deserves most. To anyone/if anyone donates, God bless you and a huge "thank you" from my heart miles away.
Bibby Mar 2018
Strength.
Someone who carries darkness,
Yet, somehow is still a light.
To anyone who needs it,
A hug, because I mean it with all my heart.


From one surviving soul to another.
Bibby Oct 2015
Shattered mind and stolen heart,
What you did was pull me a part.
From all that was and ever will be,
Not only did you govern my life but take my sight to see.
Throwing me back into the world, thinking I would be just another "machine",
I ran far away and found God within.
I now know men can be evil and often do cruel injustice to those blind,
You ask why I do what I do? Maybe because I believe in Freedom of mind.*


Another excerpt from my condemning past...
Bibby Mar 2018
Life is but a garden bed,
The rain it comes and goes,
You can ***** yourself on all the thorns,
Or you could learn to love the rose.
<3
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