I've been listening
to a recording of rain
when I try to fall
asleep


I've been learning
to share the space
on the bed
with myself


to let my dreams occupy
the places made
cool and empty


I fall asleep to rain
and wake up in my own arms -
that will never stop

wanting
to hold me

Jorrah has been coloring
all day long sitting in
the grass – He brings me his
sheets of paper says he
has drawn all of his family members

On the papers are one hundred hearts
constructed with wobbly four-year-old hands
all the same color despite his
sixty-four crayons

my lips try to hold
the lingering taste

of your
love you, love you, farewell

cactus holding water
from a rainfall

that happens only once
each year

I am thinking Arizona

when you suggest
we start seeing other horizons

tumbleweeds where words should be

sandy tongue apologies

dehydrated and hallucinating

I mistook you for an oasis

On road trips
we would use each other
as pillows

Brother to window
sister to shoulder
brother to shoulder
sister to window
Are we there yet?

I mean,
Are we grown up yet?

Brother to work
sister to rehab
brother to work
sister to school

No matter the pattern
we all appear
leaning on love
and blood

The word trying
stumbles from your mouth
I wonder how long it has been rotting
on the back of your tongue

In the next sentence
the word sorry
tiptoes across your lips
tries to find sympathy
in my gaze

I am choking
just as you are
finally learning to speak

Trying
Sorry
No

You set the table
making sure we both have
a napkin, two forks
and a knife

I spend hours
preparing a meal
that might be enough
to satisfy both of our appetites

we sit across from each other
I ask you to hand me the bowl

it is already empty
you are already full

You
always content
to leave me
starving

He stares out the smudged window
nose nearly kissing the glass
gaze committed to the tawny rabbit
who sits idly by the shed

He whimpers
fur rising on his back
turns his pleading eyes to me
as if to say

*Mama, I want to play
who cares that it’s raining?