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3d · 59
the acrophobic
Amanda 3d
existing apart but cohesively
a group of wanderers
who find home in the highs
and consistency in loss

a group of wanderers
scared of heights
we don’t choose to be
depressive
which is why we fear being
manic
4d · 63
depth perception
Amanda 4d
she sees the world
through poetic colored glasses
that add depth to everything she sees
sunsets
slow falling snow
eight letter phrases
two roads in a yellow wood
the meaning of life itself

never sure if things
are closer or further than they appear
what’s real
and what’s delusion...
i feel deeper than anyone
i have ever met
it’s hard to know if i’m sane
Amanda 4d
i found a brick or two
in the concrete jungle
and stuck them under my heart
when no one was looking

my heart finally has a foundation
for its home
it’s been an amazing
three months
in this breathtaking city
Amanda 4d
i was scared to let
the dark clouds hurt me,
feigned safety underneath
an unsturdy umbrella

wind raging from a new direction
left me exposed,
my feigned safety
bent out of sorts

scared to look up at the hellfire
i knew must be falling from the sky,
three deep breaths before
squinting at the dark clouds above

...blinded by their silver lining...
looking back down in disbelief,
collecting confetti rain
in an upside down umbrella
not everything
has to be hard,
amanda
Amanda 7d
i gave you to the wind
hoping it would bring you back to me
but it turns out

you really like flying
i miss the way it was
i miss you
Oct 7 · 1.9k
careless boy
Amanda Oct 7
the only word
more powerful than
love
is
always
...
stop using words
when you don’t know
what they mean
Amanda Oct 6
my height at rock bottom only slightly
greater than non-zero
as i laid on top of the knife he pressed
into my heart,
my mass rapidly decreasing as i lost
every last ounce of hope—
never had i been lower or emptier

but the gravity between us
you and me

falling was inevitable
you ask me how i know
that i was always going
to fall for you...
it’s science, darling

mass X height X gravity
Oct 4 · 283
tu me manques
Amanda Oct 4
the english
connote vulnerability—
“i miss you”

ironic that the language of love itself
instead connotes strength—
“tu me manques”
literally translated to
you are missing from me

...because i chose to remove you from me
sure i miss you
but good god did i need you
to be missing from me
Amanda Oct 3
ultimatum decision day
she got you
i got me
Oct 3 · 81
just desserts
Amanda Oct 3
you want to have your cake
and eat it too
but you don’t get to have me
if you’re eating her
oh and i’m not a
f*cking dessert

i’m a queen
Sep 25 · 183
just friends
Amanda Sep 25
this line between us
is dashed
and curvy

but man do i admire
your effort
to walk it like it’s
straight and narrow
https://youtu.be/XGmJMvnDZEg
Sep 25 · 63
n of 10
Amanda Sep 25
that thing
you and i used to do
in the dark
because those three words
just weren’t enough

now i do it with him
and him
and him
and him
and him
because those three words
just weren’t true
Sep 25 · 55
honestly?
Amanda Sep 25
tired of getting half of you
and feeling wholly alone.
sometimes i wonder
if this is worth it.
Sep 24 · 241
exorcism
Amanda Sep 24
you told me
you respect the hell out of me
unfortunately respect isn’t
strong enough a force
i need you to
love
the hell out of me
semantics
Sep 24 · 84
toxic
Amanda Sep 24
******* the poison
out of my heart
and all of it tastes like you
but i refuse to spit it out
because all of it tastes like you
you are the definition
of kryptonite
Sep 24 · 108
push and pull
Amanda Sep 24
i pull you close
and you come to me
and everything feels right
ankle deep in your warmth
and i want you to stay

please will you stay

but the tide isn’t meant to stay
every time we get closer
the fall out is even greater
and i hate watching
you run from the shore
Sep 24 · 36
old fashioned
Amanda Sep 24
it was the most
old fashioned
story in the book

it started with
a girl in love with a boy
and a boy in love
with a different girl

and it ended with
whiskey
sugar
bitters
and an orange peel
i know the monday night
bartenders by name
Amanda Sep 23
sometimes i think
of all the high school seniors
cursing the limitations of
rhythmic schemes
confused by the distinction between
metaphors and analogies
personifying the inanimate
forcing imagery they can’t see
rolling their eyes at the blue curtains
hating that **** lit class poetry unit

their homework is my outlet
i wouldn’t know
how to be a person
if i didn’t write poetry everyday

i simply adore being bizarre
Sep 23 · 127
well
Amanda Sep 23
and maybe it is all a sick game
brains in a vat
reality in a vacuum
god’s test
nature’s happenstance
our thousandth of infinite lives
80 random years
maybe it’s all utterly pointless

BUT HERE WE ARE
and look what we’ve done

the planes we’ve built
the democracies we’ve established
the art we’ve created
the mysteries we’ve unlocked
the love we’ve made

so maybe it is all a sick game.
it probably is.
but i’m gonna play.
and well.
put me f*cking in, coach
Sep 23 · 84
twisted
Amanda Sep 23
handwritten notes
straight from my heart
that will live under your bed

the same bed you love her on
i feel icky
Sep 22 · 115
category 5
Amanda Sep 22
my chaos spinning
with eerie predictably
i watch as the unthinkable
becomes tangible
loss and destruction commonplace
searching for stability
in this cloud-covered reality

but somewhere i heard
that there is calm
even silence
in the eye of a hurricane
so i ran straight to the middle

it turns out
calm feels like your arms
and silence sounds like your laugh
thank you for standing with me
at the center of my storm

if it’s not too much to ask,
can you stay here forever?
Sep 22 · 68
muse
Amanda Sep 22
there’s this picture of you
sitting on a bench
a cup of black coffee
in your hand
you’re with your friends
but i don’t see them
and that smile
is the one i look at
with my hands
at night
that red sweater
those glasses that make me blind
that smile
god that smile

i know it’s black coffee
i know you
what else would it be
Amanda Sep 21
you were supposed to be
in a dead end relationship
looking for something more
you were supposed to see my
earthquake smile and feel the ground
shake just a little
you were supposed to get the courage
to back out of the dead end
and turn around for me
you were supposed to be the reason
the other two didn’t work
you were supposed to be available
you were supposed to hold my hand
you were supposed to hold my heart
you were supposed to hold my life

you were supposed to be different

you were supposed to be mine
how did the universe
get this so cosmically wrong?

you were supposed to love me.
Amanda Sep 21
don’t get me wrong
i love the earth
but i’d ****** every last tree
to feed all the pages i could write
about my love for you
if it meant you’d love me too

don’t get me wrong
i love the earth
but i love you more
Sep 19 · 74
a poet's love
Amanda Sep 19
i know your flaws
your shortcomings, and faults
but i love you all the more for them

i want you to run to me
when you fall, when it hurts
and i will put you back together
and play with your hair
i want you to tell me
when you're scared
and i'll search your closet for monsters
and if i find skeletons in there
i'll love those fellas too
i'd die everyday just to see you live
i'd build you a rocket
if this world let you down
i'd capture the stars
if your sun disappeared
i'd put you on my back
if your mind weighed you down
and, best friend, favorite human,
i'd sit in that pew
hiding the tears and the pain
celebrating your smile
i'd sit in that pew
hiding the tears and the pain
and i'd watch you kiss hers

that's a poet's love
they say if you're loved by a poet,
you'll be loved forever.

i'll never stop loving you
i'll never stop protecting
that perfect smile
i'll never stop fighting
for your peace
Sep 19 · 85
revival
Amanda Sep 19
loving you
hopelessly and wholly
warms my heart,
thawing the hope
that was frozen inside,
setting my bloodstream in motion,
spreading to the rest of me,
reviving me,
saving me
it's not convenient
or comfortable
it's not carefree or fun

but loving you, ry ry
...it's saving me
it's something to feel

i hope you know
i'd do anything for you
i'd do anything to make you happy
Sep 19 · 44
7 decades
Amanda Sep 19
jaded
unconvinced and unamused
she simply lost too much too fast
love
faith
innocence
home
hope
confident that no good could last
and no high was worth the inevitable low
resenting her healthy heart that would
beat her into the next 6 decades
looking for things to waste her time
before her sweet release finally came

but sitting there
talking to him...
well...

she wouldn’t mind doing that
for 7 decades
you’re my favorite
waste of time

you make me want to stay
Sep 19 · 105
let me love you
Amanda Sep 19
“time heals all wounds”

the four letter phrase
carelessly tossed by well-meaning fools
each time i say your name with
quivering lips
and tear-stained cheeks

but god
i hope they’re not right
ry, please tell me they’re not right

i want to feel this hurt everyday
if it means
you’re still in my life
you’re the reason
i still believe
that love actually exists

please never prove me wrong

let me love you

you can love her
but let me love you
Sep 18 · 47
forever friend
Amanda Sep 18
i take you
to be my forever friend

i thought i’d never find a human
who could make me trust again
i thought i’d never find a human
who loves my heart the way you do

i want to spend
the rest of my days
writing you poetry
and sending you gifs

i want to run to you
every time i fall
because you’re the
softest place i’ve ever landed

in all my head sickness
and in health
for all my worse days
you give me five better
when you’re richer
and i’m poorer

i’ll still love you like i do right now

so you can trust me to be there
when she wears white
because you’ll never find another human
who loves your heart the way i do
i love you, mister
Sep 18 · 191
infected
Amanda Sep 18
it was bursting at the seams
before you walked into my life
but i made room for you
inside of my heart

the sharp pieces
lying in puddles of my own blood
tell me i went too far

i fell too hard

i broke apart
the worst part?
i feel my wounded heart
getting infected
and it’s spreading to my brain

you’re not good enough,
amanda.
you’re not good enough.
Sep 18 · 47
addictions
Amanda Sep 18
you’re the reason
i drink my coffee black

because i washed those sleeping pills
down with a bottle of red

because those happy pills
made me wired

you’re the reason
i drink my coffee black
all of my addictions
to distract me
from my worst one
Sep 17 · 100
grey
Amanda Sep 17
my needle is prone to the extremes
either stuck on 0
or steady at 100

some like it warm
some prefer the cool
but i’ve only ever known
180 degrees

everything or it’s nothing
wrong or it’s right
in or i’m out
black or it’s white

but for you...
i’ll learn to see grey
i don’t get to be your 100
but i refuse to be your 0
Sep 16 · 116
she’s the edge
Amanda Sep 16
she’s the stool
beneath my feet

she’s the wind gust
on the ledge

she’s the water
with my pills

if life’s a cliff
then she’s the edge
when i let myself think about her...
about the two of you...
together...

it makes me not want to live
Sep 14 · 138
en el momento
Amanda Sep 14
¿de dónde eres, señorita?

¿importa?

¿a dónde vas?

¿importa?

entonces... ¿qué es importa?

estoy aquí
...vamos a bailar
loving every minute
of my spanish adventure
and the spaniards are loving
every strand of my blonde hair
Sep 13 · 88
peculiar people
Amanda Sep 13
there exists a group of us
peculiar people
who experience the world deeply

a depth the world oft prefaces
with “too”
—a preface that makes us
peculiar people smirk—
knowing that these non-peculiar people
have never sobbed
at the stoicism of the moon

they’ve never felt crisp autumn air
baptize their souls as if by magic

they’ve never lost and found the world
in the cobblestone streets they walk

they’ve felt love
but they haven’t existed for it

they’ve been happy
but their hearts haven’t bled gold

they see water when they look at the ocean
we tremble at its omnipotent chaos

they enjoy saying the word “too”
we delight in translating to “fortunately”

there exists a group of us
peculiar people
who experience the world too deeply

we like to call ourselves
poets
context:
sitting on a plane headed toward spain
and i’ve never seen the moon so close
she’s standing watch over the atlantic
while i’m racing the sun to madrid

when it hit me...
only poets have ever felt this.
fellow passengers are watching movies
but i can’t take my eyes off of the moon
Amanda Sep 12
you made the world smaller
which is ridiculous, amanda
no one can change the size of the earth
not even him

but you did

you made the globe smaller
and you had me seeing double

those two blue eyes
held the world

you made the world smaller
you changed the size of the earth
i hate that i miss you
Sep 12 · 139
miss madrid
Amanda Sep 12
technically, yes,
a return flight has been booked
but will i use it?
got my heart broken
so i’m running to spain
para el fin de semana

dame toda la sangria
Amanda Sep 11
i don’t know
who i’m supposed to
tell all of my stories to now

i don’t know
what my poetry will do
without its muse

i don’t know
when these scars will soften
and the hurt will subside

i don’t know
where i’ll run on the hard days
if not to your apartment

yeah, i have questions, but

why
isn’t one of them
i know exactly why
i had to walk away from you
Sep 11 · 227
ready set leap
Amanda Sep 11
for the longest time she was
too afraid to jump out
of the moving vehicle
that was accelerating
toward nowhere
because going nowhere
with him in the driver’s seat
was less terrifying than walking
a different road by herself

but me?
i’m licking the salt
out of the wounds
that i got from the leap
adding some tequila
maybe a lime or two
and heading down
this rundown highway
in search of the happiness
i finally know i deserve
goodbye best friend

wishing you nothing but the best
from this lonely road
Sep 9 · 136
my legacy
Amanda Sep 9
my poems
may never find home
on a bookstore shelf next to
whitman or bukowski
my bwg name may not command respect
or make its way into the history books

but knowing you
wanting you
loving you

will be my legacy
Sep 6 · 96
friend
Amanda Sep 6
the white lilies
on your mahogany box
couldn’t hide the darkness
in your mother’s eyes
reflecting off the black clothes in the pews
as she stood beside the lifeless body
that she had given life to
only 23 years before

i had never heard a sob like that—
with every exhaled wail
i could almost hear her cursing god
for not allowing her lungs the capacity
to meet the demands of her broken heart

and with every tear
streaming down her hollow face,
two streamed down my own

one to empathize with the pain she felt
and another to celebrate
the pain you no longer had to
kevin
my cousin, my friend

it’s been two years
since you chose to leave us
and i hope you got the
nothingness you wanted
on the other side

i hope the voices stopped
i hope it’s nice and quiet
in your mahogany box

and kev
i hope you know i understand,
and i will never call you selfish
i will only call you friend
Sep 5 · 216
i'd see you
Amanda Sep 5
and i think
if my life flashed
before my eyes

i'd see your face
more than a couple times
i don't know if you realize
how monumental
your character is in my story

when i think back on the year
i became an adult
...your name is all over the pages
in italics
underlined
with little hearts drawn next to it
Sep 4 · 217
100 proof
Amanda Sep 4
wine got me through
the other two

you’re the reason
i drink whiskey
the greater the man
the harder the fall
the greater the crash
the stronger the drink
Sep 3 · 125
the note
Amanda Sep 3
i tried
let the record show that i tried

i was the queen of spontaneity
i was always secretly proud
of the number of times that i peed a little
from laughing too hard

i loved with my whole soul
a depth of love that few have ever felt

i climbed so many mountains
literal
and figurative

i treaded so many oceans
literal
and figurative

i never learned how to whisper
and i never stopped biting my nails

i couldn’t lose those ten pounds
but i genuinely learned to love them
there at the end

i was a really good writer
my sister thought it was odd
that i wrote poetry incessantly
but i reveled in her judgment

i made so many friends
because i was the kindest person
most of you had ever met

i wasn’t bad at many things
but oh good lord i was a terrible driver

i had a few too many lovers
but i don’t regret a single one night stand

and i’m sorry momma
but i had a lot of one night stands
at the end

i fought with god
and i gave up on him

i was amazing
i had so much potential
i was the best **** sixth grade teacher
i changed so many lives
i was the best aunt
to little london and maverick
i was a good big sister
i was a good little sister

i was a daddy’s girl
his perfect, brilliant, darling
manda panda

i was a 3.97 student in college
and i thought those missing .03 points
made me more relatable

i was so close to happy

i fell in love three times
and considered myself lucky
with every fall

i was never capable of maintaining a tan
and i looked amazing
in a high waisted bikini

i was more confident than most girls
will ever be

i was always an all or nothing
type of girl

and one day
all turned to nothing

and it didn’t go back
please go back
i begged and begged

but it didn’t go back

so now i’m sorry
now i’m the girl who ruined my mom
i ruined daddy
and B, B, and A—
the best siblings there ever were
i ruined katie
i ruined ryan

i’m so sorry
you don’t deserve to feel this hurt

but i didn’t deserve to feel mine

and i don’t anymore
please don’t let anyone
wear black to my party.
say goodbye in pastels.
Sep 3 · 144
catch 22
Amanda Sep 3
the fact that i love you
is the only thing
that makes me
know for a fact
that i’m still alive

the fact that i love you
will be the death of me
you
are slowly killing me
so everyone tells me
to walk away
but ryan if i lose you...
it’ll **** me
Sep 3 · 268
september
Amanda Sep 3
fall was always my favorite season—
but you ruined september for me.
september will now always be
the month that you ruined “always”
i didn’t know i was capable of hate
until you ruined love

wherever you are, whatever you’re doing
i hope you’re unfathomably miserable
Sep 2 · 75
the making of a cynic
Amanda Sep 2
with you
there was a method to the madness
a cadence to the chaos

with you
there was a narrative
written by god or karma or the stars

with you
my past made sense
and my future was no longer blurry

without you
...well...
here we are
Aug 31 · 1.1k
run
Amanda Aug 31
run
now i don’t suppose
you’ll ever meet anyone
quite like me again—
with a capacity to love
quite so large
or an infatuation with your soul
quite so spiritual

but if you do—

run.
don’t try to fix the next one

you know now
how broken she’ll turn out
Aug 30 · 210
drunk confessions
Amanda Aug 30
believing that true love
doesn’t exist
is easier than accepting
that the universe
has deemed me unworthy
to have it
airplane wine
is stronger than normal wine
i’m sure of it
Aug 29 · 2.4k
mindf*cked
Amanda Aug 29
i lie awake at night
and replay it over and over

the way you slowly undressed
my heart and mind
and stared at me silently
before penetrating my soul

and oh good god it felt amazing

the way it hurt a little at first
letting another person inside of me
like that
but you opened me up
and loosened
my tightest thoughts

the way i couldn’t get enough of it—
giving you more of me
day and night
letting you into places
no one has ever gone before

and then waking up one day
to realize
that no one deserves to know me this way
at least...
not someone who’s in love
with someone else
i would be less broken
if you had just f*cked my body
instead of my mind
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