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1h · 47
dead end
amanda 1h
so i just sit here
parked at this dead end
of a friendship
because it's still
the most beautiful road
i've ever taken
amanda 2h
the incongruence between
the space he occupies
in my heart
and the space he occupies
in my life
almost makes me resent
my heart,
almost makes me resent
my life
6h · 62
hands
amanda 6h
it was the way my fingers
found their home
in your ****** hair,
as if touching your face
was the reason my hands exist
i had the most
hauntingly beautiful dream
about you last night,
my love
6h · 50
imagine
amanda 6h
you say i have
the most incredible imagination
of anyone you've ever met

but even i have my limitations...

like... i can't even
begin to imagine my life
without you
1d · 43
same state
amanda 1d
at least now we both exist
in the same state

confusion
heartbreak
yearning
virginia
i love being
this close to you

even if we’re worlds apart
2d · 100
collapse
amanda 2d
i guess we finally
found out

we can't both fall
and not collapse
the second
you started having
feelings for me

we started cracking

i was afraid of that
2d · 47
silent
amanda 2d
when you go silent,
i know you're either
eating dinner with her
or off of her
and both make me want
to die
2d · 80
when
amanda 2d
you poured me a bitter drink—
a cocktail of you and her,
all mixed up in each other

you poured me a bitter drink
and asked me to say when—

when i could no longer stomach it
when i was losing too much of myself
when i needed to walk away

when,
ry ry

~
something needs to change

i can’t do this anymore,
not like this
2d · 74
cigars
amanda 2d
maybe that’s why
i like smoking cigars

there’s no expectation to inhale
~
i haven’t been able
to fill my lungs
ever since i’ve known you

but cigars don’t remind me
that i’m broken

i just store that ****
in my cheeks
2d · 63
so, well ...
amanda 2d
your ability to hurt me
is directly correlated
to my ability to love you

so

well

...

guess i’m f*cked
if i loved you less,
you wouldn’t be able to hurt me
as much as you do right now

but ry ry,
that’s never gonna happen,
is it
2d · 36
blue
amanda 2d
the sky is grey today

i must have stolen its blue
i’m blue
2d · 573
tuesday
amanda 2d
how do you expect us
to make it to eighty
when i don’t even know
that i’ll make it to tuesday?
this is getting too hard

watching you with her

watching you spend
your tuesdays together
3d · 94
insomnia
amanda 3d
i’m grateful for the nights
i can’t sleep
for the time i get to spend
with the stars—
none of us knowing
why we have to exist
in the dark,
but choosing to shine anyway
4am and counting
3d · 66
wildest dreams
amanda 3d
even my dreams
feel the weight
of our reality
i used to have
the most vivid dreams
of your body inside of mine,
but these days
my wildest dreams look like
us hugging on the couch
for twenty minutes

because that’s as close
as we can get
3d · 29
born to author
amanda 3d
i’m a poet
unable to write the piece
i was born to author—

because someone took my pen
and called him hers
courtney—
not resenting your existence
is the hardest thing i do,
but some days i’m just bad at it
and don’t care to be better
3d · 38
amanda
amanda 3d
i’ve never wanted to be
amanda
as badly as i did
the day i met ryan

except for every day since
3d · 70
muse
amanda 3d
my love,
the simplest way
i can articulate it
is this—

i never want to search
for another muse
3d · 62
nightmare
amanda 3d
i live alone,
so i’ve had to learn
how to soothe myself
when i wake up
from a nightmare

or when i wake up to one

like the reality that you live
with another woman
3d · 30
new worlds
amanda 3d
we show each other
new worlds
without ever having to leave
the earth
you always tells me
i break your paradigm

you shatter mine
3d · 37
almost
amanda 3d
he’s the kind of pure
you almost don’t want to defile

almost

~
3d · 63
he is love
amanda 3d
i don’t understand love
any more than
the next girl

but i do know you

so i guess i know
everything there is to know
3d · 162
forever constant
amanda 3d
the only thing
that makes me feel
truly peaceful
is change

except for you,
my forever constant
amanda 3d
you’ve got this
natural kind of beauty

like the mountains
or the ocean
or the midnight stars

the difference is—
i can climb on top of mountains
or drown in ocean waters
or lay beneath the stars
i just want to be
on top of you
or under you
or drowning in you

but it’s easier to get
close to nature
than it is to you
3d · 32
sleep
amanda 3d
i don’t understand
how people lay their heads
on hard pillows

or how they set the thermostat
above sixty-eight degrees

or how they let a
poorly translated
and poorly interpreted book
written millennia ago
invalidate and weaponize
the love between two men

but i’d really like to
ask them all

how do you sleep at night?
the fact that a man
could walk on the moon
before two men
could walk down the aisle
in this country

...the word disgusted
isn’t strong enough
4d · 53
you-shaped
amanda 4d
there’s a you-shaped hole
in my heart
that no other man
is big enough to fill
4d · 40
end up with you
amanda 4d
i know i end up with you

in a nursing home

doing puzzles

making up words

and making up worlds

where we finally get

to be together
ending up together
is different than being together

but i don’t think i mind

as long as i end up with you
amanda 4d
i used to wish
i’d find my human
someday

i should have wished
he hadn’t already
found one
i was naive enough
to believe that
when a person met her person,
they’d get to be people together
amanda 5d
the trouble
with a four letter word
is it can be hissed
in a single syllable
to derek—
i hope wherever
you’re slithering,
someone nearby has a shovel
5d · 36
man of your word
amanda 5d
the fact that you’d never
betray her

not even for me

that’s why i believe you
when you say
you’ll never leave me
5d · 74
adored
amanda 5d
i always thought
i wanted to be loved
until you showed me
what it’s like to be adored
~
you adore me

and that makes me feel
like magic
5d · 65
life and death
amanda 5d
i know you and i
will ride and die together

which is why i can’t stand
watching you two
live together
5d · 105
spanish
amanda 5d
i flew to madrid
to run from my feelings for you

only to find out
that love speaks spanish
it doesn’t matter
where on earth i am,
i still need you—
i still love you

i can’t believe it’s been a year
since i fled the country
alone for a weekend
to get over you
5d · 67
us
amanda 5d
us
i keep wondering
if one thing had been different,
would you and i be a we?

but if one thing had been different,
you wouldn’t be you,
i wouldn’t be me,
you and i wouldn’t be us

and i love us

~
amanda 5d
i don’t regret meeting you

most days i just forget
that i ever did
i don’t miss you, lili

like... not even a little bit
6d · 46
i choose you
amanda 6d
i won’t make you choose
me over her

but please realize that means
i’m choosing you over me
6d · 35
impossible
amanda 6d
you asked me to sit on the sidelines
and watch you play with her

you asked me to be your cheerleader
~
you really do believe
i can do the impossible,
don’t you
amanda 6d
forgive yourself
for having hope
everyday i make a
‘today’s to do’s’ list

today the only thing
i’m setting out to accomplish
is forgiving myself
for thinking for a split second
that i could actually have him

it was stupid
and reckless
and something old amanda
would do


and yes— i realize
there should be no apostrophe
in “do’s” but if i don’t include it,
it looks like the spanish number
after uno
6d · 42
soulbreak
amanda 6d
when you lose
a soulmate,
it isn’t called heartbreak
6d · 65
the 22nd
amanda 6d
september 22nd
changed everything

october 22nd
changed me
i wouldn’t have chosen
to end jacaryan
with any other month
than that one

it was the quintessence of us
in the span of 30 days
amanda 6d
i can’t imagine
it would have been easy
for you to choose me
over her

i just never imagined
it would be possible
for you to not
6d · 31
i sure hope
amanda 6d
your life
will probably be
unbearably empty
without me
in it

but i sure hope it isn’t
i just want you to be happy
like i want me to be happy
6d · 64
exist
amanda 6d
you deserve the love
that both she and i exist
to give you

i’m just not strong enough
to exist like this
anymore
6d · 287
7.8B - 1
amanda 6d
it’s oddly demoralizing
when 7.8 billion
minus 1
people
want you

and you only want
the minus one
amanda 6d
it’s not your fault
that he needed
two women
to make him happy

it’s not your fault
that she met him first

it’s not your fault
that you refuse to be second
6d · 33
enough
amanda 6d
you were
pretty enough
you were
smart enough
the books you read were
interesting enough
your dreams were
somehow absurd and attainable enough
and the thoughts you thought were
thoughtful enough

you were always enough
by your own standard

even if you weren’t
by his
6d · 46
about you
amanda 6d
this poem isn’t about him
and it’s not about her

it’s about you

because something oughta be
amanda,
all you do is give

so this one’s for you,
darling
6d · 42
jump ship
amanda 6d
i always thought
that if i ever jumped ship,
it would be into
your ocean eyes

i never thought
they'd be the thing
i was jumping from
6d · 42
ultimatum
amanda 6d
you chose ten years
of history
over sixty years of future

and all this time
i thought you were good
at math
amanda 7d
i know
he loves me
i know
he wants me
i know
he thinks
my brain is magic
my body is perfect
my face is stunning
my soul is art
my laugh is adorable
my friendship is forever

i know
him

i've known
since the beginning

i know

i know
i don't get to have him
7d · 100
the middle part
amanda 7d
i've known from the beginning
that you and i
will never end

so let’s hold hands
and enjoy
the middle part
i’ve loved you
from the beginning

i'll love you for always
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