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May 12 · 35
Rabbit Hole
Amanda Jean May 12
I’m so alone
No ones home
I am afraid
Of better days

No one is home
I am so alone
I am afraid
Afraid of today

No one is here
To steer me clear
Straight out of here
This hole that I’ve been living in

I cannot seem
To help myself
I haven’t been
Been in the best mental health

I fell down that rabbit hole!
I don’t know what to think no more!
I tell you I am afraid
My world is straight drawn out upside down
I don’t know how to live my life now

Our town has driven me dead and insane
I want to dance and sing
And scream at these walls
My anxiety has shook me up
No words come out
I ask for help
But who? To where?
I’m scared I’m scared
I don’t know how I got here anyways!

I can’t even begin to tell you what I went through
It’s dark and dreary blue
My curiousness and confidence almost killed me
Or maybe it was my insecurities
I’m no doctor
I don’t know what it is
All I know is what I’m feeling

I just can’t seem to shake these bad feelings I wonder if Alice always felt spiders crawling up on down her back
I only know that I tried to **** myself after that tea party
Ribbon noose, I’ve been blindfolded by smoke ever since

It didn’t have to be this way
I know hearts are hard to change

The thought of your existence makes me want to throw up

I always get these bad feelings whenever you’re around

I cannot seem to get over the impossibilities of empathy and reality

Sitting here wasting away
Done with today dreading tomorrow
Can I ever get out of this place?
Can I make it out alive?
This doesn’t even feel like I’m living anymore
This ain’t even surviving
I’m barely afloat
I’ve lost myself
Where am I?
It’s the same old game
Let’s play the pity party of death reapers
We’re begging for the end
Begging for some kind of new beginning
This kind always flies by too fast
Can’t make the good times last
Fast forward to the *****
Yesterday’s honeymoon was never meant to last
This life is the ugly stepchild of Garden’s Eve
Meeting a snake is all I ask

Just gotta get right out of here
May 12 · 26
Memories Sting
Amanda Jean May 12
Daddy was never there
Did he know what sports you played
Promise broken, parallel again
I hate how we play these games
Oj in the morning, art during meetings
There's a spark in your eye, memories flow through mine

Bleeding again
L ove stings
May 12 · 20
Pushover
Amanda Jean May 12
I've been broken
I've been beaten
But I have survived
And now I'm living

This is the best explanation of my way and how I live
I see the good in everyone and give everything I can give
May 12 · 23
Luna Knows Better
Amanda Jean May 12
Reigning down with sunrays pure sunshine I’ll give you some I got mine
We pushing for the moon the divine
go get her goddess Luna in the night sky she always knows better
we’re filled with light and water moving with the stars till we all turn to dust again for the next life next time next try to fly high while we living fine see me in the next dimension see me in the dreams of anarchy I’ll be living free against the efforts of time don’t cha know it’s all a lie we’re reincarnated every day but the patriarchy tells us to stay stagnant and the same but time isn’t real it’s relative these societal standards have got to give I’m tired of y’all hating on the witches when it’s us ******* giving birth to all you hoes and your holidays you don’t understand the pagan ways even though it’s how we’ve all been raised I’m praying we will find the change in our hearts to all love each other the same They say boo ***** they repeat it again I said me too ***** these dudes be wavering they don’t gotta change but I’m not here for it bae I’m not standin for it babe we here for accountability and positive affirmations they’re here to get their **** licked and ***** relations  
And if you’re a dude and you woke too then this ain’t about choo boo I’m here for the enbys and trans I’m here for the truth you’re here because of your parents listen to the sun don’t listen to the childish rampants of our **** president *** this country has gotten so wack I need the obamas back we need to get out of iraq we need to stop the genocide of black and brown lives I stand with Palestine I stand with Sudan we need to feed Yemen we need to stop concentration centers on our own soil don’t tell me to calm down you need to check yourself man
Let’s go back to the Egyptians let’s let go of our prescriptions let’s take dmt till our head feels fine let’s smoke all the **** till our bodies feel right do I let ya in my mind oh babe you know I try but no pill shame but I’m just saying I wanna change everything I got the save the world complex and I’m coming for the government hexes the injustices run pools of blood from bodies I’m sorry to be so gawdy but this **** has got to stop will you pray to your god please
I’ll pray to my god please, and I’ll pray to your god please,
and you will pray to mine don’t cha see we all have the power
don’t cha see we could easily take over
why don’t cha see what i see who feels what I feel who knows what I know
where you at who are you are you coming cause here we go we’re shining like sunshine come get yours I’ve got mine
May 12 · 12
Stay, Please
Amanda Jean May 12
Do I run or do I fight I lay down my pity and I give up tonight
Give up on pain give in to love give up my sorrows to the the heavens above
Giving up my suicide tendencies giving up the control of self harm, ma please
I’ll come clean later I’ll tell the truth someday but today is the day where I take for my own sake and I take what’s given to me
Drugs, give em to me, love, give em to me
If only I could give up the demons in me
Spirits I thought wasted away always coming up when least expected before I try to wash em out again
I beg my partners to stay but I can’t expect them to hold fire with their bare hands
Nothing rhymes nothing times right all my loved ones building their empires and I’m sitting in my lonesome box, please pray
Will we forget our gender norms will we forget the lies that society told will we forget what we came here for
Bouncing back between planets I’ve got the eye of my soul twin twinkling will our ether bodies ever meet
I’ve got a bleak soul I’ve got tremendous turmoil I just want fire and water to exist in harmony with each other
When the words flow they don’t know what they’re saying they’re just part of the music making of our soul ticks of existence
I’m trying hard to not let it bleed
I’m trying hard not to scream I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying please just let me be
I never want y’all to see me like this unless I’m dying and crying and reaching for some kind of sign
Please stay with me through the storm please babes I need your more now than ever
I need to be at peace I wish death would take me and my life cease
Please babes just know I’m trying but when you turn your backs I’ll be crying
May 12 · 21
Green Apples
Amanda Jean May 12
Make a list
Set things right
Be like your father
Smoking green to appease
Smoking green to please
Smoking every single tree
Apples falling drumroll deeds
May 12 · 8
Half Asleep
Amanda Jean May 12
Nap it tap it everybody’s bat **** don’t know how to take **** always going on about a lick what ******* time is it 5:54 to 5:55 we seeing repeating numbers from the fours to the fives y’all realize we all got nine lives right
Left brain doing yo thang fight it out rub it in pushing for a better dimension y’all hate sin we all got sin y’all screaming Jesus’s name but you don’t know how to better yourself from within
In me just like you I like Jesus too but he was just a witch like me boo don’t be mad I’m only playing but really didja know Jesus was gay and guess what he black too my dude was for sure as **** cool
Chillin with travelers and drug addicts and *** workers and y’all ain’t mad about it but if ya can’t transfer that **** to reality then guess what ***** your religion is really just a fantasy world girl
Y’all live your blissful lives while living on blissful lies and y’all don’t do **** you don’t even try to help someone less fortunate than you y’all basically spit on us while we walk by
Calling us slurs and acting crazy I ask you is this how you pray to your God babe?
I mean y’all don’t get me wrong I’m queer whitey from the suburbs but the sick **** ain’t so slick no more we older and I’m calling out the hypocrisy on my own turf so we can pave a better way for us all to live at peace on Mother Earth.
Get past it move on the spirituality of the human soul is coming on we screaming fire we're flying on water we're all born as daughters y’all trying pushing the breaks on feminism but I don’t think you quite yet understand the new waves or what it says we’re singing inter-sectionalism we’re singing gender is on a spectrum sexuality is not what you may think it may be finding our true selves should be our first priority but times up the sun is coming up we turn our Luna crown away as the new day brings on capitalism half of me weeps while I start my daily grind to survive half asleep
May 12 · 21
Pray
Amanda Jean May 12
I’m afraid to say it I’m afraid to pray it I’m afraid to breathe it into existence what if that’s what this is what if that’s what we’re doing we’re just learning how to pray from the time we were little babes till the time we’ve grown up all the way teaching ourself the same things teaching our friends and familys our upbringing reteach reteach redo redo it’s all a circle in my mind boo
May 12 · 22
I Love You
Amanda Jean May 12
Every line from every time I don’t have anything to say
Every word that could have been heard I pray the end of the tumultuous ways
Of my brain dead skull of how mental illnesses steal your soul of how many times I’ve tried but I’ll get back up no lie
There won’t be no last time there won’t be no sad times there won’t be anything but positive thinking for the rest of our lives
Pushing forward opening doors and learning humans from the core
Never a bore chilling but myself I’m bored and cringing
Surrounding yourself with the living it’s the community that’s life giving
Say that again be kind to people cause everybody’s grieving
Say that again we all need each other and all we need is love
Say that again say it say it
I love you
May 12 · 22
Queer World
Amanda Jean May 12
Y’all don’t see me as a guy y’all don’t see me as a girl I’m here to bust your binary bubbles this witch is queering up your world
May 12 · 21
I Bloom
Amanda Jean May 12
I’m in my cocoon shaped tomb I’m amidst my nine lives womb the majesty will be coming soon I’m singing my eon old tune I’m singing I am I am I bloom
May 12 · 22
I Quit
Amanda Jean May 12
I’m
Quitting
Cigarettes
I’m
Catching
My
Breath
May 12 · 15
Pink Sharpie
Amanda Jean May 12
I don’t know how to talk about it
I write it out and I fight the urge to cry about it
Pink sharpie pen on paper I’m feeling my words come to life
I keep saying it’s not fair but it’s fine I’ll be alright
But now I have a broken leg for the rest of my life
Learning how to walk again I’m scared of surgery I’m afraid I’ll never run again
Just keep talking about how I want to fly away
I miss you so much everyday
But we’re not good for each other it’s toxic
We should have called it off after the first hits
After the beatings and cheatings why did we go on like this
May 12 · 16
Where is Romeo
Amanda Jean May 12
Suicidal when I’m pmsing
But I’m still alive we’ll call it a blessing
Imma try to tell my story if I cry don’t mind it just try to learn my lessons
True love shouldn’t be a tragedy
I romanticize our relationship but just like Romeo and Juliet there is no happy endings
This love is poison, an addiction, and I’m in recovery
Rehab is a love story, a sad story
My mind is going numb with your absence
I’m trying so hard to keep my cool
I choke down my tears, my fears, I just wish they taught about this in school
May 12 · 10
Hearse Hitchhiking
Amanda Jean May 12
I’m sorry my brain belongs to a crazy person
Cmon give me a ride I’ll jump in the hearse and
We can go to a place where we’ll never be hurting
I’m scared of the methods of travel but I just want the destination
Where our souls rest before the next test of raising humanities vibration
Our frequency’s bumping and lumping our chains to the floor
I’m running and jumping for that sweet old death door
I’ve seen so many go past please come protect me and fast
Witch tendencies are keeping me free but I don’t know how long it will last
Potions and spells keep me grounded to this earth keep me holy
I think I’m going crazy anyone experienced telepathy lately?
I hear you and me and everyone, what is empathy, where is it coming from?
I grab my citrine on my choker I beg for positivity
I pray and manifest my future I need some change to come to me
I don’t know why I live this life, I think I’ll join my loved ones on the other side
Please,
Is it my time or am I giving up, I'm so tired of living in this rut
Put all my energy into these words, I think all of us truly just wanna be heard
My dad thinks he’s a prophet, society thinks he’s clinically insane
Am I the same way, who is this crazy person in my brain
May 12 · 14
Chirps kill
Amanda Jean May 12
Car reverse beeps and owl coos
6 in the morning I’m blind like a fool
Blunt I’m no small runt you can eat my ****
Frontin smoke you don’t know what I **** it’s ghosts and blind men straight from the beginning I’m just tryna so I can get my future living
Seeing true maybe it’s from the owl coos birds and insects chirp the squirrels chirp my cat chirps we’re all cute animals going for the ****
Jul 2019 · 283
In the end, enby
Amanda Jean Jul 2019
Am I passing or am I fasting from the first time it’s just too long lasting not knowing where your soul lies is it in the sky can you grab it with your fists is it gentle is it your first time doing this I need some rubbing on my temples it’s a new angel from the times of bliss I’m slow but I do it better learn fast we’re different but let’s try another choking cherubs we steal it the water from Zion it started with eve ramblings laying on my dresser I don’t know what my soul speaks it’s ders please ders says ders got all the language to find the knowledge in your head but wake up you’re different in my dreams ders is flying open eyelids I don’t know why I try this therapeutic tumbles guts jumbled y’all too scared I’m scared we don’t like to talk about this **** weight lifts we let it out hair clips bald **** is it the alcohol after all the narcissism swimming ball from heads to toes blood content overflows the boat don’t go down that stream don’t let your mind think those things don’t fumble when your hearts already rumbling learn how to talk right manifest the good things to live by I’m ending all negative thinking by letting out my mind y’all should give it a try
Jul 2019 · 211
Summer feels
Amanda Jean Jul 2019
Tears shake me I want someone to bless me feeling so oddly queer and I don’t know what I’m doing here is it *** or is it drugs hex myself I think I need a hug for the self or for the hoes I’m needing something to fill the holes of lost loves I’m feeling rough I got my mind stuck in a rut I miss my babes from past lives I miss my old self I don’t know why I keep pushing through to the next breath do y’all know how hard I try to be the light to be the sun I want to be the one for friends to come home to I breathe to live free but keep asking myself why I’m suffering is it the jealousy or just feeling too sluggish sometimes too buff I think to myself do they think I’m a man I think to myself I’m doing what I can their thoughts don’t matter my life I’m climbing ladders how high I’m always asking to the sky we’re always passing don’t know if I pass don’t know why I ask so many friends I’m learning loved ones come straight from that ****** sun nothing makes sense I light a cigarette light some incense thats what the fire signs tell me my pyromania is always testing me figured imma struggle till I die but please just know I try
Jul 2019 · 403
New life better shit
Amanda Jean Jul 2019
Ain’t snackin I talking be learning how to walk again start a fire in my soul again repeat repeat put it on paper speak it into being love yourself love the feeling feel wild feel your style feel the blessings raining happy tears on your soul every once in awhile feel it good baby feel it raw no law ******* anarchy for days celebrating pagan holidays ******* up the patriarchy ways stealing souls and femininity from our hearts place tell em how tell em why tell em why we feel misplaced no lie do you see it yet do you see what I see the losing team better hit the breaks before we **** it up for em **** it up **** it up **** it up drink it up live it up it’s our time to shine now and we living free baby we steering clear of all fear from the past see we living queer we living here praise to the people who fought for us to have it this way we are blessed so blessed I’m living no stress telling myself that we’re living free I’m free baby single life solo poly nobody tells me nothing I’m a god or goddess I give blessings you homophobic ******* ain’t telling nothing but showing your own hate don’t got time for that petty **** today no way I’m living the witch life ***** show me your love or don’t come near me
May 2019 · 208
Disassociation Nation
Amanda Jean May 2019
Stuffing my face with pizza playing fortnite to disassociate
Holding back tears from the fears of the memories that crying brings
And my dears they ask me if I’m okay I tell them to turn away I don’t want to be seen like this
******* sobriety whatever life I lead I’m afraid of what holds me down instead of loving what brings me up
Cigarettes on cigarettes chain smoking to hold me down
I need blunts ok on blunts and blunts my nostrils leak and my eyes are bleak
Light another one I don’t care if I choke I just need another ****
Wanna lay down and play dead feel like my futures always read my fates been coming since my childhood days
So many ways we try to change but always stagnant the future doesn’t change
I’m tryna rise up I don’t want them to see me fall
My suicide days are over I say my suicide days are over why do the tendencies follow me like this
I want bliss I borrow what happiness I can from tomorrow
I always say better days are coming we gotta fight for something but now I’m asking myself why I’m running
What am I running from why do I turn away why don’t I grab today by the neck and take back what was took from me yesterday
Medical bills pile up no car no job I’m in a rut
Dyslexia’s got my words jumbled I go mute I let my mind take a tumble
Trying to write so I can set my future right let the emotions flow let me understand what I’m feeling
Old words old poems old trains of thought running on that last steam
Imagine my friends die imagine my family tried imagine imagining everything you never want to happen
I ask what’s wrong with my brain why is it trained to show me flashbacks and screenshots of everything I try to forget
It’s like a mod podge of bad memories a compilation of bad tendencies a pattern trickling into my soul I sit and let it bleed
Clench my fists and I say no not again curl into a ball I do what I can
Just write and fight just write and fight just write down my thoughts as I fight with my brain
Apr 2019 · 165
Easter Abuse
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
Abuse abuse someone find my noose my feelings are too obtuse the abusers are always on the loose and I can’t find a clue what are we gonna do the hitting ****** false accusations and manipulations have gotta stop boo boo
My girl, you too? Us women, for you? We weren’t ever made for this, babes we got batter days than this
We ain’t falling for any more of this somehow charming ******* bliss, this has gotta stop my man, there’s gonna be a change, yes you dumb ***** *******, I think you can, least pay your dues, go to jail be on the news, better days are coming and we’ve gotta start with something
We are hoes, out here, and it is consensual, that’s clear
And I’ll be ******* gay boys till the straight boys can figure out their mess, come here
Maybe internalized homophobia maybe narcissism maybe I don’t trust none of you no more
Maybe it’s daddy issues maybe it’s none of your business cause I can’t talk to you republican *** ******* no more
Maybe I thought I was trans, because of my dysphoria I hate my parents, gender fluid is cool but idk my brains a pool
But I am really tired of you republican *** ***** *** conservative racist ******* *** white men
Apr 2019 · 191
Not this time
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
I never know what to think when I'm in blue
Overcast with depression even with the sun shining
I can't get out of bed with my own mind
Cant get out of my head unless I take time
Keep trying to be in the grind in these new times but I keep falling back to the Limbo loop of ****** occupying everything of mine
Mistakes taught me what I know yet the mistake is still mine
I can't redo the past but I feel the future coming too fast
Fortunes told I'm leaving it all behind me
Dreams so bold but I can't get started
Can't find my feet
I don't know where they're taking me
I'm scared it's farther down this dark hole and it's terrifying
People telling me the way is all uphill but I never learned to ride that way
I push forward through the web and the grey but climbing up to these holy skies seem too many miles away
Another step up into another **** up in which I slip up more and it all falls down on me
Apr 2019 · 116
America’s 9 lives
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
Baby turn me sideways flip me upside down I like all ways my brain is topsy turvy maybe I’ve been flipped too many times my nine lives all blur together each life I try another each life a new lover each life I meet my sisters and my brothers falling in line in the new day new way we’re taught to fall in line no jail not today I breathe and live for freedom for me for this society we all breathe free we all speak free we all should have the right to our voice and our vote, see death happens round us all the time but it’s not every day you see nazis running for government parties to take seats in offices when they should be behind bars, see death happens round us all the time but it’s not every day you see lynchings of black boys and black girls missing and stabbed and the presidency’s lying on tv, see death happens but you don’t usually see it happen, see the young kids in death camps call it what you want I call it how i see it, see em ripped apart  from mom and dad, see em grow up in camp no loved ones had, see us no health care just pop us full of drugs, see us no future just throw us in human trafficking no one will see I see, see death happens round us all.
Apr 2019 · 196
Aug 1
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
Trying to find our flow but not just from memory but from feeling I’m stumbling words blocking my flow I’m running from the memories that scare me because I think I’m different this world shakes and rings like a ticking time bomb I’ve always felt that with each breath I’m struggling to breathe least I’m calm and serene I don’t remember the last time I felt the feeling and been that being to forth-come my own peace I’m not steering I’m in auto drive auto pilot of my mind letting my thoughts wander and gather and barely form full for days writers block I don’t talk I let others steer the way I don’t change I form to beings to fit their ways I gave in to the patriarchy but now I’m back to my chaos praise my original style my own ways we running feminism till it hits the breaks because of the new waves but till we all equal it stays my proud anthem for intersectionalitism
Apr 2019 · 112
Find strength
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
I don’t know what the **** I’m feeling but all these vibrations from the bottoms of my being I’m seething and screaming from the insides I can’t stop but I’m mute and it’s all a fluke and I can’t do this and this feeling is so bad I can’t believe what I did I can’t believe I’m so bad I always thought that I would try my hardest to be the best person I can be harming no one helping and loving and what I’ve done is so wrong I’m on a run I’m fleeing the self ptsd tendencies it’s all a rut I’m sticking in the muck of stagnant thinking it’s the destruction of my being I’ve been a snake and deceiving I’ve come to lie and be misleading I gotta own it I can’t deny it my wrongs have faulted others and demised their soul from where it’s placed next to mine my hearts a wreck but I forever bet my whole life I’ll never sink again, loyal forever is my new brand rhyming don’t matter as long as I know where I stand my flow is better accepting my -
Apr 2019 · 216
Love the self first
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
Stream of consciousness conscious breath I dream of being conscious in my reality see lucid hallucinations delusions in my mind no one’s got the time to see the dreams I’m gonna get the save the world complex see the weight of the world my third eye I hear your worries I hear your sorrow I hear your joy im starting tomorrow I’m filling up my cup
Apr 2019 · 101
Spirited away
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
Spirited away flying farther into consciousness becoming one with the world and one with all word and mediums of communication from my soul to your mine this **** ain’t got to rhyme I’m in your mind I’m changing spirits I’m living proof of alcoholism’s roots of vices of society’s mices we live in the grooves the way we move rebelling the way of the patriarchy we’re living in
Apr 2019 · 81
aa
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
aa
Remind me of my past remind me of mom playing the piano remind me of pots and pans and the alcoholic rams and the shams and the shame of the shenanigans peek over my shoulder it’s my lover never another this one is forever and my heart keeps beating and my feet dance and my laughs prance and my mind falls back again into the past this depression stinking up the game I feel like my whole life is to shame a better version of myself for you to tame it’s not your job but I’m here I’m living weird I’m a little queer I’m falling sober the rain might be over but the pains left holes with names and memories in each one some have graves they never will truly leave us some should have graves from the pain they wrought within us I’ve dug my grave I’m not counting anymore on anything but you this lifetimes starting over
Apr 2019 · 93
Make me
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
Make me forget the pain make me forget my brain make me live better for the grain and no longer live in shame make me love like you love me make me shine like you shine to me make me laugh and dance and sing with you I feel blue boo shake me up with your sunshine
Apr 2019 · 94
Bye
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
Bye
I can’t keep loving you from the depths of my mind
Fantasy fairytales from unrequited lovers left behind
Your mask reminded me of devils haunting but bare naked now I see into your soul
Can’t keep burning can’t keep numbing can’t keep this fire in me don’t make me beg
All this fleeing back between the puppy ******* I’ll follow you till my death
My friends tell me I deserve better and you deserve better too
Why can’t I ever seem to matter to anyone who matters to me my soul is screaming
Nothing was ever meant to happen this way
Catching feelings for lost boys who never seem to want Wendy to stay
I am realizing again in this life that nothing worth it seems to last
Good friends are hard to come by but will always out-stand my crushes company o
Apr 2019 · 78
boy.
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
From 12356 to 3 it numbs me fills me but this is to free me so that I don't let it freeze me
Keep mentioning this Dayton hell hole hoping no ****** kills close to home but it does
It goes and it spreads and this love hoping to heal hasn't stuck in their brains but it will
It will
It will
This love will heal
I remember puking mac and playing games trying to ride Sam while I'm making friends
Cooking some eggs for pj in the mornin just wishing I could never go home again
But we rack back and I leave again we rack back and I come again and rack back to the circus track again
We’re learning to breathe and walk again but in my home I'm suffering I choke on ribbon while we’re partying
In my dreams we die I think
And I think I am your shrink
And my shrinks your god you speak of me you think of him it's all the same we are the sin
I am the daughter you are the son we are each other it's already done I love and live and feel this way but because of you I stray today or maybe the thoughts the opposite it’s all me burning me
It's all my doing its all on me the negativity is killing me but it still falls back on you you you.
Jul 2018 · 3.0k
Who am I healing
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Who am I now
I have been hurting
In the workplace, at home, in my own body
I feel broken
Forsaken
By a God no longer living

I'm with people
I feel alone
Thoughts sparked
Train running
I don't open my mouth
Crash landing in the tunnel
My hands are shaking

Should have let it out
Should have wrote it down
Now I'm choking on my ideas and thoughts
Now I'm drowning in my stubborn loneliness

I'm still with people
I open my mouth
Jumbled words fall out
I ask about them and they ask about me
No stimulation
Just simple small talk
No conversation

They're knocking on my skull asking whats happening
I throw my hands up and tell them I'm trying
They give awkward stares
Sometimes knowing eyes and understanding nods

But I flare and wear and tear myself apart
Grow out all my hair then shave it all off
Search inside every lost memory
Rethink through every philosophy
Reincarnate every fiber in my being
Recreate my everything

I'm soul searching and soul mate flirting

Because this is the middle
These are the moments that matter
This growing experience is just me climbing the ladder
This sick game we live in
These money controlled societies
They don't care about the essence of you
The tears and feeling blue
The messages the world and God send you
Its up to you
You can fight it
But do not forget the people behind you
Your bonds are unbreakable
Your God is unstoppable
My God this world around me
This atmosphere running through me
I can't feel whats around me
My mind has gone crazy
I'm just trying to save me, baby
I am trying
The world has gotten me by the neck
(Lord, help me)
But I am fighting to win my heart back
From these devil memories

I am living the yin yang
I thrash in my sleep
I am back and forth between Mundale and Westfield
Slacking on making my poems into songs
Do not doubt my masculinity just because I am a woman
I am stronger than any of you men
Don't **** with me
-Amen.
Jul 2018 · 1.3k
Fuck you scream through
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
But it ain't easy they say and it gets harder every day
I'm so cliche and I quote everyone I'm fucke sup duck me ******* **** this world and HEY FCK YOU TOO *****
Thank you chuuwee I'm making chewbacca noises and forgiving myself and making people smile think but here it is I'm here we're here we try to be try I think unless we being bad being bad don't choo know I've always been this way
Jul 2018 · 488
Wish
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Wish we could be different wish we could be the same
And I wish we could try agin and start over again and try to make this what it isn't and what I think it could be
Wish a lot of thinks but wish for love I think is what it always comes down to be
I can't do this no more this hurts
I try to be loving but all I'm left with is selfishness I feel it
I fall into it
Falling in love constantly
Jul 2018 · 2.5k
Four leaf clover
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Four leaf clovers birthing books
Your old horses came and took
Your father back into your life

Leading sobriety through letting go
A year with no sips has come to show
The truth to these words we step

I think grass is next on the list
Back and forth we're in the mist
It's hard to give up this smokey bliss

Talk of future business I know I'm yours
Our past should show the similarities
Your treatment should show our differences

We dabble and dart and laugh away
Overflown with tears we laugh today
**** our faults we'll be okay
Jul 2018 · 880
dyt
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
dyt
Way in the days seem I stray for these ways that we graze through the maze that we cant seem to say it's cozy-
because I always forget but today it's crazy it doesn't scream love enough it , it it it, it don't. And I'm not screaming either I'm just sleeping in too late, but I keep seeing these faces and I wonder what I'm in for and if it's my sleep schedule that is at fault or maybe it's my depression I'm crazy I'm at fault if l am me at all
Jul 2018 · 490
Drank help
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Gone and used I flew from the abusers
Ran so slow they didn’t catch my hands
Spoke too fast they heard my soul speak
Drank so slow but we’re all ****** up
Drank too fast and we’re poisoned too


You lost your charger well I lost mine too
It was longer ago it ain’t a cord
I lost my charger I don’t remember
I can’t keep nothing or remember anything
Work drink sleep smoke **** me i ****** you can’t help you you can’t help
Jul 2018 · 1.5k
Apple abuse
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
But it’s just me me me
In this tree tree tree from feeling lost to found I know I’ve got to be somebody inspiring but I’m selfishly trying to get over my nostalgic depressive tendencies I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
Jul 2018 · 690
High but low
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Exhausted on faking
Keep breaking from trying to make it
Ain’t no fun to be around
I keep all my words in my mouth
The devils got my tongue
I’m feeling numb
All my existence is to ***
I can’t get up out of the ******* ground
Years go by
I’m not feeling myself
Tears come out of me like a leaking spout
No drugs can bother me
My head belongs in the clouds
Jul 2018 · 2.0k
Jb
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Jb
They say the more afraid you are to speak something the more power you give it right
Kept asking myself if I was doing the right thing
I always knew it was never something true, still real till this day I’m tearing wondering if this is one of those things that never heal
Will this haunting everlasting death ever pass
How have I not dug myself out of this grave yet
So disturbed burning tears seeing reflections of ghosts near memories seemingly too close
To her soul is the adamant adventure trying to win her back again but devil memories keep me soulless I am a entity of no beginnings no endings just existing in this black hole of nothing
I am still trying
Like right now I’m on meteor showers looking for lost battleships seeing if maybe they could guide me home, dreaming in high clouds looking at the last hour looking back on angelic souls confused with the misfit’s bold while running sin, it swims farther than suns shining rays of golden turning to dust as deathly holes with vampire intents seek to steal all light out of the world but all after explosions and fire and bangs but no one is left to see the void because it is all in the aftermath.
But what’s left to do after that? Always trying to get on with a new thing before processing the last. My brain keeps me busy going and poking fun and finding things I huffle puffs after breaking into strangers dungeons without knowing where this fairytale might take me. Would Alice have jumped down that hole if she knew it was an empty casket? Little bunnies could lead to the devil you really never should judge a book by its cover. You never try to bridge cliffs together when you never learned how to swim in the waters running underneath, you never know how deep those waters may go. You never know how far from home they may take you. You never wanna drown in a fairytale. The amnesia never heals.
Jul 2018 · 1.5k
Dreams
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
If only sleeping didn’t bring out the demons in me

Dark and darker entities popping stopping staring at me for what seems like eternity maybe higher than that maybe in my mind no reality of me living where I am supposed to be.
I see eyes that’s always the beginning they take me inside I overthink the circumstance where I’m the pupil but I’m always sacrificing myself to be the victim.
Flashbacks possibilities deja vus of me disconnections disconnects its blocks of memories.
Stagnant thinking it’s the brinking of uncertainties and the insomniac tendencies left beneath me by my depressive states I question its beginnings.
Where the pain lies in my side every time I wanna die and think back to why it confuses me.
Waking up buried in ***** dust though sometimes sparkly is always as terrifying as the last time.
Even when you get out you’re never truly free in such a dark city.
Let’s try howling like our pets tried when our neighbors died when I wake up I hear her scream.
No clocks ticking it’s just the doorbell ringing and the death chimes on and on.
We’re tearing through the jungle book of matrix look a green computer screen but it’s all black and brown they throw some color red in it.
But it just blurs and blurs and you’re not sure, you just let yourself fade into the chaotic white buzz instead of letting yourself looking at the bigger picture.
It’s on a ladder it’s so confusing every rail means something monkey bars leading seemingly nowhere that’s where the blur starts that’s where my heart dies that’s where I go blind.
Entities blurring creation forget your dreams why have we forgotten where we’ve come from
Jul 2018 · 1.2k
Fuck trump
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Where the artists breathe paint the blue pig too fat to stop them
Blue lives can **** my blue **** swinging money *****
They want to **** my **** and somehow profit from it
Blue killing color from the jails and school halls
We gotta stop dad **** the patriarchy
Spreading ******* miracle whip from the white supreme party
Ignorance it blocks me taunts me my privilege shows
Standing up for the fight of love we fight for our humanity
Fight for every minority because it’s a dog ******* in America’s White House these days
They’re sending out prayers and our media sends praise
Tired of the gunnings and the hangings
Tired of the negative nancies dancing on graves of ancestors shooting up death with no awareness of how they **** others too
Boo hoo
******* and your trump too.
Jul 2018 · 8.6k
Time the rhymes
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Timing rhymes
Does it heal
Proximity
Close to feel
And this crutch
It’s a spinning wheel
Imagine us getting killed
And then you see it in your sleep
It just repeats and repeats
Sometimes I'm the only hero
And sometimes it's you who's saving me
We watch it on tv
Getting killed in societies across nationalities, we catch you screaming in your sleep
Sometimes you gotta bleed
We'll leave you to patch it up yourself 'cause
You're all you really need
This is what it means to be free
We catch you getting help we lock you up, it's the rules of the games, money paper book tree
Paper cures us all the time in the schools, the libraries, and outdated trees in the courtyards
They say nobody reads ours
Nobody has gotta breathe trees for any hours unless you breed ours
Gotta pay to breathe
Repeat repeat
First breath I'm writing on paper
Breathe in again we on the crystal
Square shining on my face
We're mentally chasing the sun that never satisfies
Looking for light in all the wrong places we're constantly mystified by how it never seems to last

I'll chase the light in your eye a day before I die staring at the fire of the sun as it slips to early morn where Luna's shining in the storm

So fierce but lonely does she seem without the fire burning her soul to gleam so clean

We scream fire ****** bathroom sinks filled the graves the shining metal gleams gory ****** are sipping tears from powder quakes

We rake the crowds with raining sun so one day we pray we'll see the light of glory goddesses to be won

We’re shambling ourselves
We're lying in the muck
Crying ghostly in our sleep trying to beat the sound of screaming sheep

One side of me growing closer to the sun, she weeps, I'm drowning in these sheets
She pulls me closer and questions me
My split soul is a far reach

Why even ask why you're trying
I know what we’re finna keep
I'm glad who I meet
We should shatter in these streets

I know what you're asking me
But I don't think you're saying it quite right
I don't think we have the time
I'm riddling you and me we're questioning

I don't know how to say it fine
How to finesse the letters to make em mine
Dancing phrases of better days but I know I haven't yet paid the price to pay to shave the way of better feelings

But standing in this storm I'm reeling
I'm hiding, cover, summer stealing smiles from off the deep end brothers flaked and waked you out you baked in heat from another paper so timeless easy smoking

Like my father, a toking fighter lighter laugh on the wall to appall and adore show us more the universe is sure that we're lurking for a cure

Lurking in the hard to reach forbidden injustices in the back of memories of these contemplated possibilities rolling over thots like a crusted raw prince’s

Tongues never seem to think of where their words travel whether they keep their mouth shut or mind open maybe closed like the door to this blocked soul

I want to write and I do kind of sometimes get something out of me that I haven’t seen before.
Times like these I can’t get more.
I’m bore such a sore grasping, letting go in the face of someone I adore.
I need you.
I can’t do this without you I need somewhere to keep my heart arrest while I dive into these depths of ***** streets, dungeons in the roots of mind where lies me dead and stagnant.
Disgusting ******* written on walls in these tunnels, gulping all love, dear please spit out your fears you may never know the destinations of your timeless travels.
But I yearn to, I dig deep scratching at my skull trying to figure out who I am and why and who I am supposed to be in this world, I twitch at thoughts of happiness while dreaming of death I plead, for better days and understanding I’ve never been fond of this blissful lie.
We all die we all live we all run to jump to fly as high as we can possibly imagine knowing that one day we will fall only to be picked up by lovers still floating in the trees.
My guardian angels of my soul.
We speak to the trees of ancestors of these trying again to win our hearts back from these time never healing devil memories.
We only sleep to name the trees our memories.
They say our hair contains our memories.
If that’s how you really feel, squeal.
Jul 2018 · 12.8k
Deja vu through the matrix
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
They say deja vu is a glitch in the matrix
Repeating numbers is a sign from the universe
Angels scream my name from upside down on the ceiling telling me to quit looking at the clock maybe demons maybe I should pay the **** attention
222333444555666777whaaaaaat
That’s not a time
Time ain’t it
Time heals don’t it
But what is stagnant
Sometimes we’re dead
But we move fast
Together
In time
Travel
Through space
Through a line meet your soul face to mine
Hearts beat faster time moves with it that’s the reality so what are you doing
Taking it slow or fast it’s you or pass
Illuminati my life with your eye-seed to the sky can’t remember my thoughts don’t know why I even try
Try to finish a creation pieces of art are never finished close to what I think
Is completion I think I forget how to breathe I’ve got a blemish I cannot see I’m not sure what’s on my lenses sometimes i don’t speak please tell me what the bens is
Keep saying I’m haunted aight
Keep tellling em I’m doing fine
Life’s chaotic but that’s what it’s about
The blends of of the **** around
The hint hang ying yang huh
The freak shows births golds of stone (gh) yeah
But do you even know what the sheets is what if we really going to do da business man **** this **** I don’t know it I already told you I don’t know how to complete this I have no solutions I feel soulless and too much negative too much negative shitnitz my focus my pictures too big I don’t know how to control this I kept saying that I want to relinquish self but what I really need to do is help make a squeal tell em truly how I feel Queen lions roar from the jungles to the shores sideways animals judging their **** from the sidelines
Wasn’t the point making them feel the fire burning in mountain veins but what animals can you truly tame
Cavemen mocking snakes forming fires for the first time killing em with their own tricks man we keep repeating history with our imperialisthe ******* stupidest **** ever
Please excuse my individual
I’ve not much experience with taking over but with my experience we’ll have an experience we’ve never had before and from there our experience will be something to learn from we learn from experiences
I’m opening my mind and my forgiveness forget to forgive I’m all in forgetfulness can we speed to the completion of wishes I beg this from the bottom of my ***** soles to the top of my buzzed head I hear sobriety is the path to success but I can’t create in loneliness I bring pain and sorrow to the art party drown me out with ***** and bring me to my knees in grass prairies in heaven Reaching out for angels bind me in confusion it’s raining in my heart tea parties never breed working brains did they never tell you that in school? Keep teaching myself everyday yeah in the backs of tiny rooms on mountain peaks I breathe in tropical trees blurring all the lines that form all sorts of definition communication of my mind to yours, the shore at the end of the telephone game I lost the rhythm that goes to the flow I dropped the wand that brings flying wings I smacked the lips of the devil I kreeped in hell I’ve been told I’ve always been addicted to pain repeats repeats 444
Jul 2018 · 3.2k
Vib Bra Tions
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
How long does it take to get over lost loves. Books and sunshine can’t fuel my bonfires celebrating life is but a dream my parties are so outdated I don’t know how my soul speaks anymore. Run on sentences because my brain can’t comprehend grammar anymore it’s just word ***** and love ticks trying to spit out energy at any awkward chance it gets. Will writing be the same I plead my soul to gain its old memories through feel and spontaneity. I learn to love again is it really all through creating I pick my scabs my nicknames by what I seem are better days before an abusive heartbreak I never truly know what is at stake when I put my heart into beings never truly seeing what they’re meaning behind their lies and deceiving I always see the best despite the feelings. My visions always so temporary never thinking what I could truly accomplish is what I want to do. What I want to be. How loud I might scream or how tired I might be but how high I climb over all simple yet complicated atrocities. I just want my soul to gleam I just want to feel so clean I just want to get over all these things that are holding me. I keep hitching thoughts of friends loving me trying to abide by social standards taught to keep me balanced keep me holy.
Keep thinking about human trolls just stagnant in feeling during purrs of not speaking just vibrations under being. Vibes push out dark thoughts yet still no words come out I feel invisible isolated by myself reality is loneliness
Jul 2018 · 3.1k
Aura’s color
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
What is artistic expression how do put my soul on a page
How do I stroke my aura’s color if I can’t see it  
How do paint my humor and intentions
How do I draw my unbalanced chakras back to balanced and write the energies surging through channels
How do I chalk out my thought process when I am reminded of you

Walkie talkies hidden ontop my chalkie chakra blocked like telephone lines hit by drunk drivers or blackouts during storms
Sunshine burning mustard seething weekend breeding burnouts coming out of retirement like

My soul color bleeding rainbows with big blocks of grey in between Needing the contrast Needing the depth and blurred complications the world is not black and white we all bleed the same rainbow sparks into the same riverbeds breathing and exhaling with the time ticks of our existence of light reflected on the glitter trickled surface of the vibrations of our soul speaks ricocheting through galaxies for eternity.

Can’t phrase anything right
In come spiraling thoughts stories of me stories of we can’t help but trip I fall into thee mother Luna romanticizing the waves of the sea you rub my jaw with your hipster b

Crown king we’re being free
We’re trying queen
Forgot the beauty in the cold
Blackened hearts should walk boldly
Frozen on mountaintops trying to keep our souls warm
Broken and torn plastic bag in the wind escaping entities that block their flow

Exhausted on faking
Keep breaking from trying to make it
Ain’t no fun to be around
I keep all my words in my mouth
The devils got my tongue
I’m feeling numb
All my existence is to ***
I can’t get up out of the ******* ground
Years go by
I’m not feeling myself
Tears come out of me like a leaking spout
No drugs can bother me
My head belongs in the clouds
Jul 2018 · 3.6k
Water my fire
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
I got a lil buzzed a lil ****** but not enough and not in time I’m covered in oceans of emotion I can’t keep up with these tides anymore pulling me out to the brinks in my mind I’ve never been afraid of drowning but it’s the lifeguards putting my head under why did I think I could swim I never should have trusted the ones who taught me should have learned how to breather underwater but I’m no mermaid I’m no better I’m not equipped for this please just let me burn burn burn
I don’t want my turn to win top trophies I never even wanted in the game who told you to put me in I cannot out play you cannot withstand this heat I talk like I like it I don’t mind it I just don’t want to be the center of the roasting *** I’m blocking kicks and getting punched I’m throwing fists they hit the heavens fall back on me liken frozen fury a storm I’ve been living in a game so sick you never make it out alive I try to die don’t choo know the rules I try to die who put you here don’t choo know I’m the underdog that hasn’t won yet
Jul 2018 · 1.3k
Whiskey my sour
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Reach inside Pull it out
Strip down Fall out
Feel good Feel you
Feeling whiskey
Feeling sour
Feeling lonely at this hour
Can’t stop writing
Can’t stop feeling
Can’t stop won’t stop forever for anyone that’s what I say
Scream it ****
Repeat repeat
We getting frisky in the bathroom
We getting lovey dovey in the bar
Don’t ask me why we’re here cuz IDK
Ask me why what I think, you’ll get a novel I think
Don’t think enough just try too hard
Don’t try at all
Don’t seem to keen on loving you
Don’t think we’ll be here long
Bars closing soon, let’s find another
They’re all closed, let’s cross the border
Lines uncrossed we forgot our brothers
Tell our sisters
No family means nothing I told you we lost ourselves
Can I ******* take a break? .
Jul 2018 · 466
Right my writes
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
I write for me to right my rights and write my Wright’s. To right my rights would be the only good thing but what I’m doing is writing my rights which is just writing in circles. I should be rioting. But I’m sitting here in circles writing repeating gossip and politics and feats such as the Wright brothers I wish to overcome Dayton but we are just writing in circles not rioting within them.
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
You think I’m boring I think you’re rude you think I’m soft I think you’re crude you think I’m off my rocker but you put me this way by playing with my emotions playing with my emotions playing with my emotions
I’m a wisdom in disguise
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