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Amanda Jean Jul 2019
Am I passing or am I fasting from the first time it’s just too long lasting not knowing where your soul lies is it in the sky can you grab it with your fists is it gentle is it your first time doing this I need some rubbing on my temples it’s a new angel from the times of bliss I’m slow but I do it better learn fast we’re different but let’s try another choking cherubs we steal it the water from Zion it started with eve ramblings laying on my dresser I don’t know what my soul speaks it’s ders please ders says ders got all the language to find the knowledge in your head but wake up you’re different in my dreams ders is flying open eyelids I don’t know why I try this therapeutic tumbles guts jumbled y’all too scared I’m scared we don’t like to talk about this **** weight lifts we let it out hair clips bald **** is it the alcohol after all the narcissism swimming ball from heads to toes blood content overflows the boat don’t go down that stream don’t let your mind think those things don’t fumble when your hearts already rumbling learn how to talk right manifest the good things to live by I’m ending all negative thinking by letting out my mind y’all should give it a try
Amanda Jean Jul 2019
Tears shake me I want someone to bless me feeling so oddly queer and I don’t know what I’m doing here is it *** or is it drugs hex myself I think I need a hug for the self or for the hoes I’m needing something to fill the holes of lost loves I’m feeling rough I got my mind stuck in a rut I miss my babes from past lives I miss my old self I don’t know why I keep pushing through to the next breath do y’all know how hard I try to be the light to be the sun I want to be the one for friends to come home to I breathe to live free but keep asking myself why I’m suffering is it the jealousy or just feeling too sluggish sometimes too buff I think to myself do they think I’m a man I think to myself I’m doing what I can their thoughts don’t matter my life I’m climbing ladders how high I’m always asking to the sky we’re always passing don’t know if I pass don’t know why I ask so many friends I’m learning loved ones come straight from that ****** sun nothing makes sense I light a cigarette light some incense thats what the fire signs tell me my pyromania is always testing me figured imma struggle till I die but please just know I try
Amanda Jean Jul 2019
Ain’t snackin I talking be learning how to walk again start a fire in my soul again repeat repeat put it on paper speak it into being love yourself love the feeling feel wild feel your style feel the blessings raining happy tears on your soul every once in awhile feel it good baby feel it raw no law ******* anarchy for days celebrating pagan holidays ******* up the patriarchy ways stealing black souls and femininity from our hearts place tell em how tell em why tell em why we feel misplaced no lie do you see it yet do you see what I see the losing team better hit the breaks before we **** it up for em **** it up sus **** it up **** it up drink it up live it up it’s our time to shine now and we living free baby we steering clear of all fear from the past see we living queer we living here praise to the people who fought for us to have it this way we are blessed so blessed I’m living no stress telling myself that we’re living free I’m free baby single life solo poly nobody tells me nothing I’m a god or goddess I give blessings you homophobic ******* ain’t telling nothing but showing your own hate don’t got time for that petty **** today no way I’m living the witch life ***** show me your love or don’t come near me
Amanda Jean May 2019
Stuffing my face with pizza playing fortnite to disassociate
Holding back tears from the fears of the memories that crying brings
And my dears they ask me if I’m okay I tell them to turn away I don’t want to be seen like this
******* sobriety whatever life I lead I’m afraid of what holds me down instead of loving what brings me up
Cigarettes on cigarettes chain smoking to hold me down
I need blunts ok on blunts and blunts my nostrils leak and my eyes are bleak
Light another one I don’t care if I choke I just need another ****
Wanna lay down and play dead feel like my futures always read my fates been coming since my childhood days
So many ways we try to change but always stagnant the future doesn’t change
I’m tryna rise up I don’t want them to see me fall
My suicide days are over I say my suicide days are over why do the tendencies follow me like this
I want bliss I borrow what happiness I can from tomorrow
I always say better days are coming we gotta fight for something but now I’m asking myself why I’m running
What am I running from why do I turn away why don’t I grab today by the neck and take back what was took from me yesterday
Medical bills pile up no car no job I’m in a rut
Dyslexia’s got my words jumbled I go mute I let my mind take a tumble
Trying to write so I can set my future right let the emotions flow let me understand what I’m feeling
Old words old poems old trains of thought running on that last steam
Imagine my friends die imagine my family tried imagine imagining everything you never want to happen
I ask what’s wrong with my brain why is it trained to show me flashbacks and screenshots of everything I try to forget
It’s like a mod podge of bad memories a compilation of bad tendencies a pattern trickling into my soul I sit and let it bleed
Clench my fists and I say no not again curl into a ball I do what I can
Just write and fight just write and fight just write down my thoughts as I fight with my brain
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
Abuse abuse someone find my noose my feelings are too obtuse the abusers are always on the loose and I can’t find a clue what are we gonna do the hitting ****** false accusations and manipulations have gotta stop boo boo
My girl, you too? Us women, for you? We weren’t ever made for this, babes we got batter days than this
We ain’t falling for any more of this somehow charming ******* bliss, this has gotta stop my man, there’s gonna be a change, yes you dumb ***** *******, I think you can, least pay your dues, go to jail be on the news, better days are coming and we’ve gotta start with something
We are hoes, out here, and it is consensual, that’s clear
And I’ll be ******* gay boys till the straight boys can figure out their mess, come here
Maybe internalized homophobia maybe narcissism maybe I don’t trust none of you no more
Maybe it’s daddy issues maybe it’s none of your business cause I can’t talk to you republican *** ******* no more
Maybe I thought I was trans because of my dysphoria I hate my parents gender fluid is cool but idk my brains a pool
But I am really tired of you republican *** ***** *** conservative racist ******* *** white men. The end. Happy Easter.
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
I never know what to think when I'm in blue
Overcast with depression even with the sun shining
I can't get out of bed with my own mind
Cant get out of my head unless I take time
Keep trying to be in the grind in these new times but I keep falling back to the Limbo loop of ****** occupying everything of mine
Mistakes taught me what I know yet the mistake is still mine
I can't redo the past but I feel the future coming too fast
Fortunes told I'm leaving it all behind me
Dreams so bold but I can't get started
Can't find my feet
I don't know where they're taking me
I'm scared it's farther down this dark hole and it's terrifying
People telling me the way is all uphill but I never learned to ride that way
I push forward through the web and the grey but climbing up to these holy skies seem too many miles away
Another step up into another **** up in which I slip up more and it all falls down on me
Amanda Jean Apr 2019
Baby turn me sideways flip me upside down I like all ways my brain is topsy turvy maybe I’ve been flipped too many times my nine lives all blur together each life I try another each life a new lover each life I meet my sisters and my brothers falling in line in the new day new way we’re taught to fall in line no jail not today I breathe and live for freedom for me for this society we all breathe free we all speak free we all should have the right to our voice and our vote, see death happens round us all the time but it’s not every day you see nazis running for government parties to take seats in offices when they should be behind bars, see death happens round us all the time but it’s not every day you see lynchings of black boys and black girls missing and stabbed and the presidency’s lying on tv, see death happens but you don’t usually see it happen, see the young kids in death camps call it what you want I call it how i see it, see em ripped apart  from mom and dad, see em grow up in camp no loved ones had, see em no health care just pop em full of drugs, see em no future just throw them in human trafficking no one will see I see, see death happens round us all.
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