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Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Who am I now
I have been hurting
In the workplace, at home, in my own body
I feel broken
By a God no longer living

I'm with people
I feel alone
Thoughts sparked
Train running
I don't open my mouth
Crash landing in the tunnel
My hands are shaking

Should have let it out
Should have wrote it down
Now I'm choking on my ideas and thoughts
Now I'm drowning in my stubborn loneliness

I'm still with people
I open my mouth
Jumbled words fall out
I ask about them and they ask about me
No stimulation
Just simple small talk
No conversation

They're knocking on my skull asking whats happening
I throw my hands up and tell them I'm trying
They give awkward stares
Sometimes knowing eyes and understanding nods

But I flare and wear and tear myself apart
Grow out all my hair then shave it all off
Search inside every lost memory
Rethink through every philosophy
Reincarnate every fiber in my being
Recreate my everything

I'm soul searching and soul mate flirting

Because this is the middle
These are the moments that matter
This growing experience is just me climbing the ladder
This sick game we live in
These money controlled societies
They don't care about the essence of you
The tears and feeling blue
The messages the world and God send you
Its up to you
You can fight it
But do not forget the people behind you
Your bonds are unbreakable
Your God is unstoppable
My God this world around me
This atmosphere running through me
I can't feel whats around me
My mind has gone crazy
I'm just trying to save me, baby
I am trying
The world has gotten me by the neck
(Lord, help me)
But I am fighting to win my heart back
From these devil memories

I am living the yin yang
I thrash in my sleep
I am back and forth between Mundale and Westfield
Slacking on making my poems into songs
Do not doubt my masculinity just because I am a woman
I am stronger than any of you men
Don't **** with me
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
But it ain't easy they say and it gets harder every day
I'm so cliche and I quote everyone I'm fucke sup duck me ******* **** this world and HEY FCK YOU TOO *****
Thank you chuuwee I'm making chewbacca noises and forgiving myself and making people smile think but here it is I'm here we're here we try to be try I think unless we being bad being bad don't choo know I've always been this way
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Wish we could be different wish we could be the same
And I wish we could try agin and start over again and try to make this what it isn't and what I think it could be
Wish a lot of thinks but wish for love I think is what it always comes down to be
I can't do this no more this hurts
I try to be loving but all I'm left with is selfishness I feel it
I fall into it
Falling in love constantly
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Four leaf clovers birthing books
Your old horses came and took
Your father back into your life

Leading sobriety through letting go
A year with no sips has come to show
The truth to these words we step

I think grass is next on the list
Back and forth we're in the mist
It's hard to give up this smokey bliss

Talk of future business I know I'm yours
Our past should show the similarities
Your treatment should show our differences

We dabble and dart and laugh away
Overflown with tears we laugh today
**** our faults we'll be okay
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Way in the days seem I stray for these ways that we graze through the maze that we cant seem to say it's cozy-
because I always forget but today it's crazy it doesn't scream love enough it , it it it, it don't. And I'm not screaming either I'm just sleeping in too late, but I keep seeing these faces and I wonder what I'm in for and if it's my sleep schedule that is at fault or maybe it's my depression I'm crazy I'm at fault if l am me at all
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
On me on e o me I xan not breathe I can not see em to hear at aln at all at all   What we saying cannot write it can't say it can't Toni I can't Tammy la wut she hating bout can't fudgunb
Amanda Jean Jul 2018
Gone and used I flew from the abusers
Ran so slow they didn’t catch my hands
Spoke too fast they heard my soul speak
Drank so slow but we’re all ****** up
Drank too fast and we’re poisoned too

You lost your charger well I lost mine too
It was longer ago it ain’t a cord
I lost my charger I don’t remember
I can’t keep nothing or remember anything
Work drink sleep smoke **** me i ****** you can’t help you you can’t help
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