I use to be able to write so much about you.
Now I find I don’t care to even think about you.
All this writing and heartache feel silly now.
All it took was telling someone else my fears and worries.
All it took was turning to someone that respects me more than you.
All it took was accepting my feelings for you were done.
All it took was seeing past the fog of you.

Ending my silent pain cleared the haze.
You are no longer my boogie man.
The thought of you invading my home isn’t terrifying.
The thought of being graced by your presence isn’t paralyzing.
The thought of breathing without you is freeing.

My breakdowns are buried in the depths of living.
You don’t matter to me anymore.
You don’t own my heart anymore.
I am free.

I think that’s what I was afraid of all along:
that you would not mean anything to me one day;
that my love was wasted on you.
And it was.
You wasted my time.
You wasted my trust.
You wasted me.

That smile used to be for me.
But now you give it to some other girl.
Some other girl who isn't me.
And it slices like hundreds of slivers.
You were ready to let me go that day.
I wasn't ready my brain screamed.
I wasn't ready, I'm still not ready, I'm never going to be ready,
but you've moved on.
I moved on my brain tells me,
but it speaks in half truths.

That smile that you give her used to be mine.
Those arms wrapped around her were mine.
The joy in your voice was mine.

I don't want to see you happy
and it makes me feel like a *****.
Still I want you to move on,
even if though I haven't yet.
Even if I must pretend
till I match the color of your eyes.
Even if I must ignore
the moistness coursing down my cheeks.

There's a reason I don't look at your feed on Facebook anymore.
There's a reason I don't talk to you as much as I used to.
There's a reason I don't want to think about you.
And every time I do, my heart breaks anew.
I pretend that I've moved on
and my heart breaks again.
Because that smile...
That smile that turns your eyes into the bluest skies,
used to belong to me.

That song comes on
that one we danced to
and I can't stand it.
It makes my eyes water.
It makes my heart clench.
It makes my stomach sick.

And it plays on and on and on
even after I change the station.
It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
It leaves a sourness in my gut.
It leaves a sorrow in my heart.

Why didn't we work?
Why didn't we try?
Why didn't we do anything?
Why didn't we see the change?
Why didn't we linger a little longer?

That simple song
mutilates my peace,
tears my resolve,
tramples my heart,
clouds my mind,
destroys my life.

I hate you sometimes.
I love you more times.
But I still hate you.
For the love you gave
and stole so thoughtlessly.
But mostly,
I hate that you made a song
meant so much to me.

You broke me two years ago.
Four words silenced five years
in a blink of an eye.
Five years I thought were filled with love,
but only taste of bitter deceit.
How?
How did I let myself fall so hard?

Was it your soft blue eyes?
Was it your charming smile?
Your quiet, seemingly caring nature?
Your strong arms that held me just right?
The terrible, twinkling promise just beneath the surface of your gaze?
What let me fall so hard?

Does it matter now?
Because you broke me again tonight.
You broke me anew with a simple email.
You were harsh in your words
that were probably meant kindly.
They were cruel like your blue eyes taunting me
from the other side of this screen.

I want to be selfish and keep you frozen
in a time I can pretend hasn't changed.
A time where you are mine,
and nothing is wrong,
and nothing is broken.

Your words were cruel
and left me questioning
what I thought I found.
Your words typed so causal,
broke me again.

I thought I was fine,
but you broke me again.
You broke my content.
You broke my calm.
You broke me.

"I want a divorce."
Four words never hurt worse.
Seconds stabbed my heart
like so many needles.
An endless well swallowed my thoughts.
My first response was tracks of water
coursing down my now still face.
There was no outrage,
no questions,
just tears in silence.

Worse!
You responded with lips on mine,
ones that spilled apologies after ripping so deep.
The world had bottomed out from under me,
I floated in a slow fall of anguish.
Anguish you seemed blind to.

Why? I asked myself.
How did we come to this?
Where were the words of love,
the words of tenderness,
the words that had been spoken
in forgotten moments from not so long ago?

Your declaration echoed in my mind
causing tremors of loss
to well and fester upon me in moments.
My body, never seeming so detached
before those words were uttered, was numb.

Then there was nothing.
Nothing but cold acceptance.
The words so callously spoken forgotten.
Replaced with, "I don't love you."

Still worse, you didn't leave after those words.
We shared our broken bed that night.
You whispered you still cared,
and you'd be there,
that this didn't change anything.
All while my body let you hold me, limp and unfeeling

My mind meanwhile screaming:
"No!
This changes everything!
Do you not realize what you've done?
Do you not see my world self-destructing at your feet?
Things are over!
Nothing is ever going to be the same."

But...
those words were silent.
My lips returned your kiss,
again and again and again.
My eyes flowed rivers
I did not want you to see
(though you seemed blind to the sea growing around you).
My heart fell to pieces,
shattering...and shattering and shattering
into so many slivers,
slivers that cut so fine and so many times
I couldn't believe I hadn't died.

And you thought you freed me,
from something I no longer loved,
something that no longer suited me.
You know nothing
if you believe that's true.
But still I press
knowing it's for the best.

Since that day of tear wretched relief
fueled by simple words of release
My mind has been in a fog of self pity.
Pity flamed by the media and doubts hovering so near
That finally broke the surface of my outward self confidence.
Could I be loved again?
Did I deserve love again?
Do I want love again?

Who could love someone else's trash?
Who would want this used and abused body and mind?
Who?
Who?
Who?

The days and weeks and months flew and dragged
In ceaseless toil and endless motion
Despite my frequent protests
My frequent denials
My frequent mournings.

When do these burning doubts extinguish?
When will my mind stop this downward spiral through the rabbit hole?
When will the me I use to know be exhumed?
When?
When?
When?

A simple golden band
full of promises.
So often unworn
to protect its fragile nature,
now a phantom reminder things lost.

Locked away to help forget,
but my thumb still absently rubs
the place it use to rest.
A memory of five long years
connected by smiles and featherlight kisses,
laughs, tears, and frustrations,
disappointments and disconnections,
leading to that final break
of a home thought to last till death.
That warm band now stone cold
telling more than words ever could
of love abandoned and forlorn.

A band now used in deceit
to fool potential mates,
rather than the symbol
it's suppose to be.
But still it brings pain
to the mind
of what could have been
of what should have been
of what would have been.