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Alyssa Apr 2020
He said to me,
"And when you're distraught my dear, I want you to look at your hands.
Your hands are the ones that have braced your falls.
They have moved the obstacles in your way, only to create something so beautiful in the end.
Your hands have touched and healed the Earth and the creatures that dwell amongst her.
They know hard work and soft play.
Your hands are the ones that have gripped and grasped firmly to the things and souls you hold most dear.
They have written your traumas and triumphs.
So once again love, I want you to look at YOUR hands and realize just how strong they truly are."
Jan 2017 · 664
Roots like a Wildflower
Alyssa Jan 2017
Pastel skies and chilly dark nights,
this is life for a wildflower like me.
Sitting by the fire full of hopes and desires,
longing to once again feel free.

Seldom do I feel free with my roots deeply entangled in you.
Apr 2015 · 248
April Fools
Alyssa Apr 2015
I won't spend my life waiting around for you...

Then we broke hysterically, because not even I believed that.
Nor could I convince you.

Yeah, we'll see...
Feb 2015 · 338
Rise
Alyssa Feb 2015
Through the ashes I will rise.
For this fire within me is wild,
and can't be tamed.
Feb 2015 · 337
Forever my Always
Alyssa Feb 2015
I'm in trouble...
I've been in trouble from the start.
The moment you climbed into the ***** seat of my car you peaked my interest.
And in that single moment, when your eyes met mine in the rear view mirror, you stole a sliver of my heart.
From then on I knew my life would change; I gained the only light capable of making this black hole of darkness easier to escape from.

You were the light house beacon and I the tiny weathered boat searching for the shore.

Alas you made excuses as to why we couldn't be together and my darkness continues to swallow me, but you still remained my beacon.

I guess I just realized I always loved you.
I was always in love with you, but now it's more clear.
Especially since you are not here.
I'm afraid. I'm terrified in fact.
Is it finally our turn?
No, I guess not.
I still have to play this ******* waiting game, like I have been for 6 years.
I've become fluent in this game.
What's one more year?
7 is supposed to be a luck number, right?

Maybe I'm just bullshitting myself

You've broken my heart before, but we didn't really recall.
We had teenage angst,
Drugs,
Music and
Art to distract us.
Now it's the real world, and this is very real darling.
I'm terrified.
I don't want to scare you with the truth but, hell, I'm scarring myself quite frankly.

Just old feelings dancing with new ones...

When in reality they've been the same feelings all along just amplified 1000 watts, because it's almost our time.
What's one more ******* year?

I need to take a step back.
More like five.
I do this all the time.
I dive and drown.
But we've dipped our toes in the water before..

*You are forever my always
What's one more year to the 6 I've always loved him?
16 years old in the beginning  now almost 23..
What's one more year?
Feb 2015 · 360
Perhaps
Alyssa Feb 2015
And what happens when I finally give in?
What happens when I give myself to you fully?
Will you take me as I am or cast me out like the rest?
Or will I cast myself out from you and what we try to build...
Have I jinxed it even before we started?

Miles between us.
Hours, seconds and minutes in the past and future.
Seemingly two different seasons.
Hot in one place and frigid in the next.
Have I jinxed it already?
"I miss you" can only be said so many times until it becomes unfamiliar.
Then all of a sudden, it hits the worst at night when I try to sleep.
When I can't talk to you.
When you sleep the day away and I am awake.
Hours, seconds and minutes in the past and future.

I've loved you since always.
I'm terrified of this love because I know how it could end.
It's happened once too many times before..
****, I jinxed it haven't I?
At least, perhaps, for myself.

*But perhaps... it would be wonderful.
Feb 2014 · 925
Demons
Alyssa Feb 2014
She has become her demons.
This innocent flower.
Her demons have lived, pillaged and devoured her.
But yet she does not fight them,for these demons are all she's known.
In all the chaos they have become her home.
At least she's certainly not alone.
Its to the point now, where she dare not escape.
Her mind corrupted and her life at stake.
But its always been this way, ever since she tuned in.
When that happens they finally win.
These hell sent goblins of grief, never stopped to keep the peace.
Instead they thrived and bred, eventually consummating in her head.
This innocent flower, corrupted so soon.
Not even these malignant spirits allowed her to bloom.
But she did bloom, into a flower of despair.
Its too late now, these demons have won.
She has become the most beautiful valley of Autumn Crocus.
So toxic there is no cure.
These demonic sprites have left her impure.
Feb 2014 · 442
I'm tired.
Alyssa Feb 2014
It's days like this when I still feel in love;
then I realize he's gone and the pain comes rushing back again.
Now I just feel the chill of the open window
and I'm no longer enlightened, just bitter cold..
Time is supposed to make this easier, but why wont my heart forget?
Just reset like before.
I don't understand.
I seriously think it's untreatable, unrepairable.
That was all I had left in me and now I'm just tired..
It's exhausting trying to feel anything other than heartache and terror.
Even those feeling exhaust me.
I'm tired...
Jan 2014 · 535
Home
Alyssa Jan 2014
The way I describe Arizona to strangers, is the same way I describe him to everyone I know
I say it with such fulfillment and passion of not only the factual imaginations I have,
but also of the deepest crevices of my heart.
And oh the feeling I get is a euphoric adrenaline rush.
For once in a blue moon I'm high on something other than THC;
for once so often I am high on heart wrenching,
Fairy tale stories,
True...
Love...

*What's happening to me?
Jan 2014 · 585
Confessions of a Desert Rat
Alyssa Jan 2014
Its cold.
I'm cold.
This polar vortex, part two I might suggest, has taken all the warmth that was left.
How? Why?
These are the confessions of a desert rat.
This gelid waste land, not quite a tundra but close, has taken everything from me.
How am I to live in such a place as that?
Survival of the fittest is what Darwin had in mind, but did he realize that over decades and time the fittest have gotten fat?
These are the confessions of a desert rat.
All the others, that have been here all their lives, have no idea I'm still trying to survive.
This frigid winter is no place for me.
I miss my warmth, my sun, my shadeless trees.
Why have I come to a place that doesn't belong to me?
Looking back I thought this place might be a new start, but instead this longing and pain grew in the deepest crevasses of my heart.
It's been three years time, its still cold.
I'm still frozen.
A desert rat in the snow.
Is this really how I must go?
These are the confessions of a desert rat.
*to be continued....
Alyssa Jan 2014
I lie awake and feel the world passing slowly.
I stand still and feel the faces starring.
Peering at me in a hideous tendency.
Their intentions are vague, yet so clear.
Screaming their silent whispers in the eyes of the dead.
...
I lie awake and feel the world passing slowly.
The sands of time falling infinitely;
falling and falling
like Alice in the Rabbit's hole of Wonder.
Can this land we seek be sought?
...
I stand and feel the thoughts overwhelm me.
Spinning my head into complete oblivion.
Tossing and turning it; grinding and churning the inner works of a mind so dark.
I lie awake feeling the whispers of a thousand winds, each telling a story.
Journeys they have taken and paths they will cross.
...
I stand still amidst the sighs of memories.
Growing old, breathing new life.
Now I sleep dreaming of a world quickly spinning,
all faces peering now blurs.
Now I sit actively watching life breathe it's first and final breathes,
until the new day beckons and cries.
...
Jan 2014 · 666
Symbolism
Alyssa Jan 2014
I've realized what the meaning of dusk and dawn are.
Yes, of course the symbol of night and morning,
life and death, some may even say good vs evil.
But simply without one there is no other and that,
to me, is also true for the meaning of love.
When it is dusk the sun kisses the moon and softly says,
"Good morning my darling."
And the moon replies to the sun, with the most gentle of kisses,
"Good night my love."
And through the hours pass.
When it is dawn, then once again the moon kisses the sun and says,
"Good morning my darling."
To which the sun replies,sweetly,
"Good night my love."
For without one there is no other.
This my dears is the purest and most perfect symbol of true love.
Jan 2014 · 2.0k
Anchor
Alyssa Jan 2014
The hardest part is controlling my feelings when its all I've ever known...*

You are my anchor that holds me securely to the sea.
This sea of great sorrow, happiness and agony. And with every tide, I am never swept away.
Instead I'm forced to linger here throughout months, weeks, years, hours and days.
Because, my dear, you are my anchor that pins me to the sea.
This sea of wonderful, chaotic, bitter sweet, lovely agony.
You drown me in these depths I dare to never escape from; for I no longer aspire for the shore.
You are my anchor and I your mistress of the sea.
My darling, this love we've built, we've built on beautiful tragedy.

— The End —