You love like my cell phone camera trying to focus. I want it to focus on a certain apple in the tree but the camera always wants to focus on the Apple next to it. Annoying, it is. I’m not sad that my camera is focusing on the Apple next to the other Apple because this Apple is actually in better shape than the others. This Apple is perfectly colored red with a small, pale yellow patch on the side.

You are rough around the edges but you are so soft and sweet on the inside
You are like my favorite kind of brownie

I remember how embarrassed I was when you wanted to record me leaving for prom and I didn't know how to tell you that it wasn't even a big deal so I just let you do it anyways and just acted like it wasn't happening when my date showed up
I asked my mom if she could pull you aside and remind you that it's not my senior prom, it was my dates and that he can record me in my senior prom but she didn't want to hurt your feelings
I am glad she didn't
I am glad I didn't

You never made it to see my senior prom.
You never made it to see me graduate from high school or see me get my first job or my fist car or start school in the fall

You never made it to see me grow into the person I am today and people always say you're watching and you're proud but I don't believe in that

You told me once that life is too short and no one will ever have enough energy to do all the things they want to but you told me I spark like the sun and my energy is more than a five year old child and even more energy than red waves

You're an inspiration

I'm trying to be happy
And positive
And glow
But it is not for me
I'm trying to be good
And write about happy thoughts
And not write about how every time I smile my face autocorrects it to a frown and I can't help it because that is just me
I'm trying to be happy because that's what people tell me
I'm trying to be me because people tell me to be myself
But myself is sad
Sad is me
I am sad

I looked into your eyes when you laughed at the joke I made the other day about something that I don't even remember  and it reminded me of when I was 3 or 4 and I knew my dad was on his way home from work so I would always wait in the living room so impatient and excited and as soon as I heard that door open I would get so happy and my eyes would light up and sparkle and I would wrap my whole body around his one leg as he struggled to carry me through the living room like that. I wish I could find something to give me that sparkle again.

your 7 year old daughter asked me why you didn't just stop drinking if it made you so sick and it killed me to tell her that you couldn't no matter how hard you tried this was true
The tears I cried were not for you they were for them, your beautiful daughters you left behind because you loved the bottle so **** much
God I wish you could see what you did and feel terrible about yourself i wish I felt more sympathy for you
Last Christmas my aunt cried to me about you because she wanted to take the girls over to your apartment so you could spent time with them and when she called you were already drunk with no presents so she lied and told them you were out of town.

"Like for a tbh and rate" was your status and I liked it at 10pm and you rated me a 8.5 and said I was funny so I deleted the post because an 8.5 isn't good enough for me because funny 8.5s aren't the kinda girls you date and not being the kind of girl you date KILLED me at 14

Jesus I thought being  called an 8.5 by you was the end of the world because everyone thought I was popular and pretty and I've never gotten less than a 10 for liking those stupid posts and to think that you didn't think I was as pretty as all the other guys did KILLED me at 14

I've accepted that this is my life and this is my body and this is my broken heart and this is my future

I've accepted that this is my life and even though I've let 6 year old me down I can't keep trying to change things in my life and I need to keep going to not let 20 year old me down

I've accepted that this is my body and even though 6 year old me was touched and tortured and the past 14 years have been nothing but a chain of things I never knew were possible and a chain of feelings I never knew I could feel

I've accepted that this is my broken heart and even though it's hard to feel emotions these days, i have to keep going for that little girl who had big dreams and never knew that you could actually not like yourself

I've accepted that this is my future and it is in my hands

You consumed my thoughts, my words, my taste buds my goodness I even forgot how I smelled in my own skin without you next to me

I couldn't  fathom a life without you and your charming wit I couldn't handle the idea of waking up and you not touching me or not being next to me

Your words went through my ears so clearly I bet if I really tried I could remember everything you ever said to me

I remember when I fell off the roof of that cabin in my grandparents backyard when I was 8 and broke my wrist and my nose, i cried so hard that day. Maybe I was being dramatic, maybe I am being dramatic, the day you left me felt like a million broken wrists and a million broken noses I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy

I liked him from the start, but he was not my type
He wasn't like you, he had shorter hair and wore flannels and only one tattoo
He wasn't like you in the way that he was nice, he talked to me sweetly and touched me softly
He told me he loves when we lay there in the dark and all he sees is my black shiny eyes
A demon he called me
He wasn't wrong
I know I'm going to break his heart
And he's going to learn to hate my dark demon eyes

I can't even listen to my favorite band anymore because oh my god I cant keep picturing us in your car singing our hearts out and I can't even watch my favorite movie because i have to stop going back to all the times we watched it

I have yet to go back to the institute of art because of you and that was once my favorite place I can barely even walk to my car in the rain because I can't help but think of when your car broke down during that bad storm in 2013 hours away from our home and you told me you didn't even care because you were with me and **** I'm shaking just writing this

I was care free with you
I knew that if anything went wrong
I would be okay
by you

I remember when we planned that trip to the beach
We never thought to check the weather
You and I laughed so hard as it started pouring down rain
I was fine without an umbrella just laying there with you

I am so careful now
I once had everything and lost it all at once
I even carry an umbrella with me on the sunniest days

You told me we would paint our bedroom orange and that we would have a boy and two girls and that our living room would have a big window and lots of those lame decorative pillows that everyone throws off on the couch.

You told me that every Christmas i would get to put a star on the tree and you would get to decorate it because you loved decorating the tree and one year you're going to put a ring at the top and that's how you would propose, you told me that.

You told me we would teach our kids how to tie their shoes with just one bunny ear because we grew up tying our shoes with two bunny ears and all the cool kids in kindergarten knew how to tie with just one.

You told me we would take a cooking class together and learn how to cook because you loved cooking but you weren't that good at it and I never knew what I was doing in the kitchen.

You told me that Ashley didn't matter to you but you ****** her any ways for four months straight and apologized and I told you I forgive you

You told me you wanted to see me the night after our big fight over the phone about how you never cared about me and I mean nothing too you and I told you I didn't want to see you but you showed up anyways and i melted into you and you told me you love me and I told you that I love you too and whispered in your ear that i forgive you

You told me that those texts from gabby didn't mean anything but I called you twice that night and you never answered and then someone sent me a picture of her sitting on your lap, you apologized and I told you i forgive you

You told me that I was over reacting when I didn't want you to go out with your boys that night in August when I wanted you to go with me to my friends birthday party. You went anyways and cheated on me and then apologized until I told you i forgive you

You told me that Amy was dating your work friend and you just drive her sometimes when she needs a ride but I found out you were taking her on dates and buying her lingerie then you apologized and I told you that i forgive you

You told me that I was the reason you weren't committed, that I couldn't hold you down, that you needed someone stronger with no baggage and bigger ******* to keep you grounded.

I never knew how to love myself
I drove around for years without wearing a seatbelt because I wanted to fly through the window
I started smoking cigarettes because I wanted to get lung cancer
I drank every weekend because I wanted to forget
I would cut my wrist so badly that I would pass out and one time I even had to get 5 stitches
I would look for ******* guys to treat me like **** because I knew I didn't deserve better
I would go days without eating hoping that I would get used to the hunger pain and just starve
I never knew how to love myself

The last time I saw your face was the last time I held fresh air in my lungs.

But you have to call me at 3:21 am because you know that I will answer because you know that I am drunk because I have been drunk for the past few weeks because you just keep calling

But people have left me before..
Like my dad, he walked out when I was three.
And then my grandpa died when I was fourteen.
But when I was 19 and you walked out my front door, leaving me there crying on the floor... It was like feeling all of the horrible goodbyes all at once and my god it was the worst pain in my entirel life.

They say that love is so great but I'm so scared because I loved you once and you broke my heart and it hurt so ******* much and what if I don't love anything as much as you.

Did I ever tell you how much I love the way you squint your eyes when you laugh
And how great your hair looks when you drive with your top down

And did I ever tell you how much it ******* hurts to want something so bad that you can't have.

I hope that you
Never forget me I
Hope that my innocence
burns a hole in
Your heart and I
Hope that you never
Ever forget the days
You played me like
A puppet because I
Will never forget and
My child innocence has
No doubt burned a
Hole in my heart

I dont expect you to understand him right away, it took me nearly 3years





He'll tell you his favorite color is blue, but it's not. It is orange. He loves orange.

And sometimes he'll mention little things about the world that he wants to change and most people just brush it away but don't. He wants to talk about it. He's passionate about it.

And when he holds your hand he will squeeze it every few minutes. He does it unknowingly but my god it is the best feeling .

And when you've just spent the night drinking together and you go for a coffee run the next morning, he'll tell you he doesn't want anything but get him strawberry milk. It's his favorite. He'll appreciate it.

When you fight he'll act like he doesn't care, but just give him space at first. He'll come arround. He always did.

And he gets jealous really easily, like when a boy comments on your picture or favorites one of your tweets but he won't say anything about it until you're in a fight weeks later.

And he hates wearing sunglasses when he's driving but he does anyways because the sun bothers him.

But when he changes the subject or talks over you, don't get mad. Sometimes he doesn't realize it. You will learn to love those little interruptions.

And when he doesn't call you back for hours it's probably because he's with his mom. He doesn't see her often and when he does he cherishes their time together.

And when you two have a movie night he will let you pick a movie and then he will pick one and he will always pick the outsiders. Every time.

He'll yawn and least twenty times before he finally gets off the phone with you at night.

And when he leaves you he's like a tornado that tears everything in your life up and into shreds, and you will be numb for days and weeks and months and it's been a year and I still get the feeling nostalgia when I see someone driving with sun glasses or  drinking strawberry milk.

Nearly 2 am and im up taking shots of wiskey using the sweet words you wispered into my ear as a chaser

I just realized that the stars spell out your name perfectly on my left arm

Thats when I threw my half empty bottle at this desk where ive spent so many drunken nights writing about you and I used a peice of the broken glass to scratch out the beautiful consolations.

WRITE YOUR NAME
ON THIS BULLET

SO YOU ARE
THE LAST THING

THAT GOES THROUGH
MY HARD HEAD

Never have I ever

seen an adult with scars as bad as mine

maybe

people like me just never make is that far

Everything turned so dark,
So black

I began to turn my wrists red,
To see some color

But I thought that being older and being a teenager ment going out with friends and hanging out til 4am

But here I am

And it's 4am
And I am older

But the only thing I am doing is debating on weather or not I should take my own life.

freshman year
Happy, scared, young, full, and ready for whatever it is thats about to hit you.
You loose your bestfriend, and your virginity.
You gain a new clique, and a body count.

sophomore year
your freshman expertise kick in and you think youve got the feel for the highschool life.
You fail chemistry, and go to your first party.
you are now a ****
You think youre cooler than your ex
bestfriend because you have ten bucks saying that shes never had a boy see her underwear or that shes never been as drunk at you.

junior year
You spent your summer in therapy, in
and out of mental hospitals because your eating disorder became deadly, and all of the friends you partied with cut you off because your newest bestfriend convinced you to sleep with one of their exs.
You come back to school as dead as
you have ever been and you spend every lunch period in the art room painting your sorrows away and you spend every night at home doing the same only this time your wrist becomes the canvas.

seinor year**
Your down to one medication a day now and you have commited social suicide all summer by staying in to gaurd yourself from turning to drugs and alcohol again to hide the pain. Graduation is arround the corner and you realize you could finally be happy once this is all over.

Is it true? do we end up like our parents?

Its 12:56 and you are awake
and I am awake, too.

Except you have company
and I have the tears I cry for you
While you cry out her name

I trusted you
You betrayed me
*******
            
I gave you everything I had
You betrayed me
*******

You said you loved me
I believed you
you said forever
I believed you

*******
For making me blind
For making me break
For making me lose all hope


For making me want to die.

Sometimes
At night
I relive the memories that we shared

and sometimes
Those same memories

Roll down past my eyes
And climb down my cheeks

i found the type of person that makes me feel different
its so genuinely real
yet so unbelievable at the same time
like im jumping off of a high building
while im still here
just laying in the grass
tangled up in you
melting into the ground beneath us

its been about 9 years since you stopped making me keep your twisted secrets

you are the reason that blood dripped from my finger tips every night for so long

I'm finally strong enough to know none of this was my fault
Bet yet still to weak to run to get help for the other little girls who are probably your victims.

Sorry for taking your innocence
Although it is not my hands clawing at your child thighs
For they are his
And i am sorry.

A shadow flickered across my walls from the lit candle in my bed room and part of me wished it was your presence blowing it away like you used too ******* away with every amazing word of advice you spoke.

I can only wish upon every gleaming light in the sky that you are out there somewhere watching over me, protecting me from all the bad that this world has to offer.