pour me a tall glass of tiny tasks for the day
just until i get back to my ***** in the nights

more, more, more, another, another, another

keep em coming and dont you dare
let me stay sober long enough
to think

im certain my fingertips will form blisters
when they touch my neglected journal
as they are already burning now
with every tap of this keyboard

because theyre sick of the mud

theyre sick of of pouring water over my dirt
theyre sick of rinsing and washing and scrubbing
while it relentlessly sticks to my hands

its just not going to wash away
so why would i burn when
i can just let it stay.

01.20.23

my birthday is in six days
and i only want to spend it with you

but we are dead
and you're gone

my birthday is in six days
and i am going to spend it alone

09.19.22

i'm so cold and
i wish you were here
to warm me

i bet you'd think
i want you to hold me
or **** me

but truly i want
to watch your skin melt
in bright flames

i want to listen
as your bones crack and
tumble into ashes

although just
seeing your pathetic face
could ignite a rage

more than enough
to beat this frosty night
- but not as fun

06.29.22

my breath reeks of nostalgia and gin
while i wait for you at the bar

my old lover
my one desire
my almost, it seems

the bartender half listens to the
slurred tales of our dances together

that we never could seem to get right

but there are no sparks nor dread
when i think of us anymore

just a bittersweet aftertaste and...
a tugging desire for one more chance with you

06.19.22

my days are spent
trying to forget you

and your nightly echoes
lull me crying to sleep

where i'm haunted by
who i thought you were

until i wake up...and the cycle repeats

05.31.22

the clock has
its numbers and

i have all these
miserable checkboxes

i can never seem to
tick them quite as quickly

05.28.22

my heart is heavy but not with pain

with prescription pills
meant to sedate my sadness

they didn't tell me it would
******* my creativity too

05.24.22

broken wings of angels can
no longer shield me, even if i
didnt already know that your
embrace is but a white prison

your tears feel as real as the
poisoned blood dried black
on my skin that you offer me
to be cleansed of once again

03.27.22

heat is pain

fire
bones and skin melted
your nerves destroyed
your body scorched

ice
is just a sick kind of fire
a cruel one because, you see

burn me once and discard of my corpse
but freeze me, warm me up
and freeze me again

heat is pain-
but cold? cold is torture.

02.08.2022

where down must spring up
and up must crash down

where i see a dragon slayed
they all mourn a tragic loss

where i drown in air and
catch my breath underwater

where the finish line is the
start i desperately ran from

and i keep running
and running
and-

02.08.2022

i'm equally as scared as i am curious to know
what i would do if i ever could see myself

not my reflection nor my shadow
not a photograph, not a memory
but to stand beside and breathe
separately and simultaneously
with the person i am right now

would i see the girl that
my loved ones claim to admire and cherish
or be disappointed by meeting
exactly whom i already perceive myself as

broken

would i see death in her eyes
like i do daily in the mirror
or would i see hope, hatred
pity, strength, guilt...fear

yes, i think i'd see fear

i think i'd take a knife to her head
and pierce the wicked, coward
that sits protected within my skull
until i couldn't swing anymore

or maybe i'd give her a hug


...


to stab her in the back.
that seems more like it
we've never been one for
confrontation anyways

15.11.21

how silly of you,
my precious and massive heart,
to press and push and wedge and ram
crushing yourself against this ribbed cage that
unjustly holds you inside the prison of our body
ruled by this ruthless tyrant of a mind

i sincerely believe you would break
my bones before you stop

and i dont blame you

fractured and scattered
pieces of me reconcile
when you hold me together
so tightly that even when
you have to let me go

they don't fall away

10.27.21

i think i need you tonight
yet i cant call you like i said i would

i know i don't need to be alone
or atleast, i'd like to know

i think i want you to teach me
but you wouldn't know where to start

i know you won't be mad at me
or atleast, i'd like to know

i think i need you tonight
but i won't call like you said i should

im sorry

10.19.21

i hope as you're drifting off now
you imagine the comfort of
me holding you closely but gently
as i so desperately want to

perhaps if i want it enough
you'll feel a warmth fall onto you
and somehow know that it's
my love seeping through the screen

20.09.21

walking away, your grip
around my throat vanishing
as i ready for a rush of relief
a great gasp fills empty lungs
with acidic oxygen simply
replacing my suffocation with
a different kind of suffering

you're gone but you still hurt me
you're gone but i still feel you

11.08.21

my voice is muffled, isn't it
your ears are stuffed with either
faith, fear or infatuation
that replaces your love with lenses
of bright flashing red lights
when you look at me so please just
keep your eyes closed
until im gone but know this well,
i am walking away but
you are the one who's leaving me

30.07.21

you said i was 'special'
well, at least you got that right
because it takes a special kind of stupid
to stay up waiting and writing
about a ghost all night

18.07.21

all that's left to do
in wait of the next time
my stitches pop and are undone
is patch me up pretty with
embroidered flowers

11.07.21

my darkest desires take point
but my will to live is often spoilt
these savage opposites are joint
never a winner or loser to appoint
a path set from birth you did anoint
i'm always dying to disappoint

11.07.21

i'm tired of the skin
on my face, parched,
because there is more
salt than moisturizer

i'm tired of sitting up in bed
to catch my heaving breath
then flipping over my pillow
before i can lay down again

i'm tired of choosing
between soaking the
backs of my hands and
dry-staining my cheeks

07.07.21

it's not okay
you don't get it
and your hope is
better placed
elsewhere

04.07.21

lately i have noticed that no matter
what i gain or lose
that constant, burning feeling of being
one more worry away
from my complete mental demolition
permanently trapped
on the edge of an implosive insanity
haunts me mercilessly
this devilish dense acidic anticipation
bears an awful weight
that i habitually beg to just crush me

simply because i am so tired
of holding this burden
and i am so sick of
seventeen

04.07.21

new friends and old flames
aren't nearly enough
to fill the you-shaped hole
in my here and now

01.07.21

will this title tether my touch
to your heart or the void
of feelings long withered away

will you finally realize I'm nothing more
than 10 disposable letters to you
even though you are everything to me

30.06.21

i believe i am one more
tiny mistake away
from slipping beneath
the surface again

29.06.21