I’m 16
Now what?
When I was younger I had this vision of what sixteen year old me would look like and I’m nothing like her
Sixteen year old me in her head was loud and fun
She would dance on tables at parties at two am
She would be dating the love of her life and have all the friends in the world
She would dress in the latest clothes and she wouldn’t be scared to tell somebody off and stand up for herself or her friends
But
Sixteen year old me currently doesn’t go to parties and is definitely not dating the love of my life
Im trying to stay up with fashion and I succeed sometimes
I will stand up for my friends just not for myself but I’m getting there
However I still feel like younger me would be proud of
16 year old me

I prefer daydreaming

I prefer smiles

I prefer sunny days to ones with clouds

I prefer books and tea

I prefer you smiling back at me

I prefer sunsets on the ocean to the ones on land

I prefer a summer tan

I prefer Minnie

and smoke pouring out of our chimney

I prefer learning to an overwhelming sense of yearning

I prefer dogs to the city smog

I prefer hopeless romantics who still have some hope in love

I prefer knowing that everything is planned out and that I am always going one step closer to my happily ever after

I want to feel alive
But instead all I feel is the strangling weight of my life
I want to do something
I want to be something
No
I want to be someone
This small town just isn't enough for me anymore
In all honesty, it never was
Because Missouri rhymes with Misery and sometimes that's all I can think about
This life is suffocating
I can’t stand it anymore
I have to get out and do something
I can’t just stay here and watch my life slip by
At my age Nadia Comaneci received 3 Olympic Gold Medals for gymnastics
Why can’t I do something like that?
I often think about what it would be like to just leave
I don’t mean dying
I mean running away
I often find my right brain is often caught drifting to what life would be like if I could make it to New York
But then my left brain starts to function again and instead my thoughts turn to how I would die of pneumonia in the snow
Sometimes I believe that’s still far more entertaining than my current situation
I want to do something great in my lifetime
The scariest thought of all is that I never will and I’ll turn out to be trailer trash and I’m not sure I can cope with that
Yes, I want to do something and be someone
But most of all, I want to feel alive

Hello Summer
I’ve missed you
Feel free to stay a while
We could all use your help

Cinderella is the story that most young girls start out with
She is the character that we looked up to
But
As we get older we are told to not be Cinderella because she was weak and needed a prince to save her
But let me tell you something
It’s okay to need saving and it’s okay to need help in order to be saved
And it’s definitely okay to be weak
There are some times you need to be weak in order to know what being strong feels like

I don’t love you anymore
I still care about you
A lot
That’s different
And sometimes worse

I believe that we can do something incredible
We just have got to put our minds to it
We are capable of being the generation that changes life as we know it
For good, or for worse
But I do strongly believe it will be for good
It is time we took a stand for what we believe in
Our voices will never be acknowledged unless we make them so
So go out to the middle of a park and scream until your voice gives out
It is time we start in uprising
It is time we grabbed our fate and said
"No, you'll listen to me now. Not the other way around."
We are capable of great things it's time we do them

It’s time for me to take back what I’ve lost
It’s time for me to take back my happiness
It’s time for me to get control of my life
It’s time for me to realize that life is what I make it
It’s time

Every time I see you I get butterflies in my stomach
Every time you talk to me I never truly know what to respond
Every time your arm barley grazes mine it feels like ten thousand bolts of lightning shoot through me at once
I think it’s safe to say I have a crush

Life has gotten rough
I'll be the first to admit
But, there is still so much goodness and love to look forward to
Look foreword to baking a turkey on thanksgiving day and having the smells of amazing food fill your home
Look forward to the smiles of children as they watch at Christmas lights dance in the darkness
Look forward to having the laughter of people playing in the snow fill your ears
Look foreword to decorating gingerbread men and laughing with your friends and family at how disastrous your cookies may look
But what's most important is to look forward to seeing the person that you are going to become

Have you ever heard this song? It goes
“I wanna see the world, I wanna sail the ocean, I wanna know what it feels like to never come back again”
This song has become the anthem of my life recently
I spent around 4 hours of my day in the ocean today and for the first time in what feels like forcer I feel happy
I’ve taken up a new hobbies with my ocean adventures
I’m trying out stand up paddle boarding
And it feels almost as if I could sail the entire ocean
And that’s the best feeling in the world

I could never be disappointed in you
The moon and stars shy away when you come out
The sun envy’s your smile
So do I
You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me
I could never be disappointed in you

I got asked a question today that made me think
“Do you believe in magic?” My dad asked as we drove past the mall
“Not the type of magic that’s in Harry Potter if that’s what you mean.”
We let the conversation end there but I’d like to elaborate a bit more if that’s okay
I don’t believe in the Harry Potter type magic
But I do believe that there is some type of magic in the world
There has to be
Don’t tell me that you’ve never looked a young child in the eyes on Christmas Day and not seen the light of magic
Don’t tell me that with every laugh surrounded by friends there isint just a little bit of you that believes
So yes, I’d like to say I believe in magic and maybe you should to

I wrote a poem almost a year ago about wishing to be the girl who could just be happy without trying
And I want to tell year ago me that I’m almost there
There are still times when I overthink everything and I’m sure that there always will be
But, when you have someone with you who constantly tells you that you are perfect and beautiful and worth it, well their words start to sink in
I in no way believe I’m perfect
But I do know I’m happier and sometimes that’s all that matters

You're doing it
You're chasing those big dreams
And you're finally doing something that matters
Congratulations :)

My thoughts go off in strange tangents tonight and I can not seem to control them
Although I'm not sure I ever could
They drift from thoughts of my English homework that's due tomorrow to thoughts of Disney during spring break with the marching band
But with all of these thoughts there is one I'm avoiding and that's of you
I told you this but I'm going to say it again, I'm sorry for breaking your heart
It had to be done, you were not ready for me and I was not ready for you
But even after all these thoughts are swirling in my mind it is the rain that still faithfully lulls me to sleep

And so it is time again
To close our eyes and drift away into a land of make believe
Where you can be whoever you want to
But all I want, is to be with you

There’s someone I know who lights up the room each time they walk in
There’s someone I know who’s smile shines brighter than 1,000 suns
There’s someone I know who’s laugh sounds more incredible then the greatest symphony ever composed
There’s someone I know

I'm ready for bonfires and lightning bugs
I'm ready for smores and stargazing
I'm ready for baseball games and car rides
I'm ready for porch swings and lemonde
Summer, please don't stay away for to long
We miss you

Back to the beach
Back to the sun
Back to long days and summer fun

I’ve noticed something
The happier I am
The harder it is to write

I let the music float around me and fill my ears
I wish it could swallow me whole
Wouldn’t that be a pleasant way to go
I listen as the music, strung together, a combination of harmonys and melodys whisk me a way to a world where everything is right
To a world where no one fights
The music is all I want tonight

I’m sorry that I write so much about love
I know it may seem that I am nothing more than a love sick teen
But I promise you there is some brain within my head
It’s just that sometimes my heart gets to much control over it

I want to sprint across the beach at 1am
I want to feel the sand between my toes as my running feet fall into beat with my pounding breath
I want to jump into the sea and explore a world previously unknown to man kind
I want to ride my bike across the island to the marina and help them feed the stingrays
I want to ride the ferry over to the gulf and stay there all day
I want to watch the sunset on the west end and see the sun disappear behind the ocean leaving the sky filled with incredible shades of oranges and reds
I want to feel the crashing of the waves against my legs as I swim deeper and deeper out
I want to stargaze in the hammock
I want my summer back

I can show it better in pictures
A vision board of who I want to be
A photo of a perfectly pink study set
A collage filled with blondes smiling besides their friends
A color coded closet
A to-do list with items like, do the laundry, drink more water, workout
A Spotify playlist packed with songs that make you feel like you’re at a frat party every night
A venti iced vanilla almond milk latte
Coordinated workout sets
This vision board of sorts shows the girl I wish to be
The motivation, joy, and love that would fill these photos is idealistic and improbable
However, I long for it more than anything in this world

My words tend to get stuck in my throat when I see you
I smile so happy and wide when I see you
You give me the biggest hug when you see me
You smile so big when you see me
But we say nothing
Because the words are stuck in our throats when we see each other