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YOU ARE AN IDIOT.
no i'm not.
YES YOU ARE. YOU LOST HIM.
IT'S YOUR FAULT.
i said sorry.
SORRY DOESN'T CUT IT.
BAND-AIDS AREN'T FOR BULLETS.
i just didn't want him to get hurt.
i was trying to help.
YEAH? WELL, LOOK WHERE THAT GOT YOU.
what do you mean?
HONEY, YOU ARE BROKEN AND ALONE,
AFRAID OF YOURSELF.
i know i messed up, okay?
i just want to fix this. all of it.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
HE WON'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU.
i didn't ask to love him, okay?
i didn't ask for any of my emotions,
and yet here i stand, stuck with you.
DON'T YOU DARE TURN THIS ON ME.
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO RUINED EVERYTHING.
I'M NOT THE ONE WHO DOES IT EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
YOU ARE.
just leave me alone. please.
YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO THAT.
YOU DESERVE THIS AFTER WHAT YOU DID.
i know. i could just make you stop.
HOW?
the same way i could just make everything stop.
YOU DON'T POSSESS THAT POWER.
wanna bet?
goodbye.
*crash
Just the words that haunt me. Caps are my inner thoughts. Lowercase are my outer thoughts. I haven't pulled the trigger yet, and I probably never will. But the thought remains, day and night. All the time. I'm already dead inside. Outside doesn't seem half bad by comparison. Oh well.
  May 2019 Ashton Grayson Everly
Raziel
They’ll check your wrists,
But not your thighs,
They’ll check your smile,
But not your eyes
They’ll avoid the truth,
Believe the lies,
Nothing to sooth,
No reason to cry,
Our smiles are bright,
Eyes are a bit dull,
Wrists are clean despite,
The blade with an emotional pull,
And we’re emotionally unstable,
But they say that’s okay,
We are all a bit of a riddle,
But that’s the only thing we can convey,
And the world will open to swallow us up,
But that’s okay, at least our habits remain,
And when their arms finally open up,
We will show them the reflection they taught us to shame,
So we paint a smile with the color of red,
From the thighs they didn’t check,
And from our eyes we bled.
And they'll only understand,
When the noose hold us by our necks,
And if they had thought twice,

Maybe our eyes they would have checked.
It was cold.
I hated the bus.
I finally got home.
Ready to be us.

But I never got the chance.
I never thought to ask.
I forgot that good things
Can seldom last.

You've always been my moon.
I tried to be your sun.
But sitting here alone,
I'm the only one.

I thought I'd never get the chance
To, once more, hear your voice.
But now, four months later,
I've captured the beautiful noise.

When I got it,
Life was made easier for me.
All because
I now have more than memories.

I try not to think
About that dark day in December.
But, despite my strongest efforts,
I remember.
I miss you.
It’s unique to everyone.
Maybe it’s rain,
or the ocean.
Gasoline
or coffee.
How about fresh linens
or cinnamon apples?
You could smell new books
or old books,
fresh parchment,
cotton candy,
or bubble gum.
Maybe it’s chocolate,
or fruits,
or mint toothpaste for you.
How about flowers -
lavender
lilies
roses
daisies?
Carnival foods
like funnel cake,
and hot dogs.
Or air fresheners
that smell like erupting volcanoes.
New cars,
or ancient forests,
castles filled with only the finest
or abandoned ruins.
Things burning,
fresh-cut grass,
strong or subtle perfumes,
or maybe sterile hospital rooms.
If you’re into it, sweaty athletes,
or band kids,
or comic shops
where you can play your favorite card games.
Is it your room?
Your house?
Is it home?
Where you belong.
Curled up next to someone you love
on Halloween,
reading or watching a movie,
realizing this is what you were missing.
Is it makeup,
or hairspray?
Certain shampoos that trigger happiness?
Or candles with the best scent ever?
How about baking –
cookies
brownies
cakes?
Maybe it’s cologne,
or the smell of the air
as it changes from familiar to foreign.
It could be a theme park,
or the mountains.
How about old forts,
and rivers you grew up around?
You know these smells,
the ones you love.
Well, that’s my favorite.
It’s the smell of love.
oh look i wrote a long one. been a while.
WHAT could help?
nothing. I know.
things were SAID.
I am sorry.
life TRULY hurts.
i MEANT it
when i said I
LOVED
YOU
ENDLESSLY.
I miss you.
WHAT happened?
where WAS your mind?
did I miss something?
you weren't THINKING clearly.
I miss you.
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