When I said first I loved you between fits of laughter and goodbyes
Your face went sour and your eyes blank you shoved me past that threshold and closed me out

I didn't say it again for months and months
when I slipped and said those three a second time
it was like breaking a moms favorite vase

We didn't speak for awhile but so much was said in that absence of love
I still love you but never like you thought
And I won't correct that error in you

we moved in slow motion
I was running through the waves
and you were in the deep end

dragged to shore and into his arms
all I see is light in the night
you are the stars and the moon

we move at high speeds with such clarity
were tangled in the storm
dancing in the dust clouds

You weren't a summer love or a great Hollywood romance
You were cold February evenings and sweat pants
I was comfortable and that's the most dangerous when it comes to love
I knew your routine, how you liked your coffee, what side of the bed you preferred and what kept you awake at night

You were pancakes on Mondays at 3
You were who to call when I couldn't stop shaking
You were the one I screamed at when I needed to blame someone
You were my first kiss
They warn young girls about boys like you
But you weren't leather jackets and loud music
You were the opposite of it all

You are 3 am showers because I still can't wash you off 8 months later
You are mid day prayers asking god to give me strength not to cry when I see you in hall
You are why I can't believe someone could ever love me properly
You are why my Top 25 are all sad love songs played in a loop
That's what they don't tell you when they say breakups are hard
None tells you you'll write poems like this lying on the bathroom floor after you learn it was all for nothing

I remember when I was 12 years old my grandfathers friends told me to never let a man hurt me. I will always remember those words but what I didn't know was when I believed every word you whispered in my ear was more painful than I could imagine because there's no medicine for betrayal no cast for my heart no surgery that can take away the memories. Some pain isn't physical...

I'm screaming why why why why, I was worth it ******
You betrayed every whisper and every kiss, you betrayed us

8 months ago I removed your blade from my abdomen to let the blood flow and heal
Last night it tore itself back open to make sure it wouldn't be forgotten
My skin is pumping out sticky red blood and my mouth strangled sobs

I have nothing to say to you but why why why
Stuffing gauze in my wound like a plug for a bubble bath, I know how much we loved those
Painting smiles on to prove that your deed burned in the fire I lit

I'm on my hands and knees watering the blankets you proclaimed your love on to
Maybe it'll wash it away, maybe it'll scrub out the crap you told me every day and night
I haven't spoken to you in forver but the lies won't stop

oh baby why


*a.b

I want to be the one you struggle with and keeps you strong when you want to fall the one who keeps your eyes open for so long they start to burn
I want you every second of every day and I shove that deep down and away until I fall into my cotton plush and cry out your name like it's the last thing I'll ever say

I think it'll always be you at the end of my day and I'm not okay with that

The feeling of you has since been washed away by the rain of a thousand storms, but every once in awhile the wind blows across my face and I feel where you kissed my cheek every afternoon and I wince.