My words aren't  graceful or eloquent
I've never been a good writer
And everything I want to say sounds inadequate
I can never find the right words to say
I could write volumes about you
But everything just comes out as a cliche
So I'll just listen to a love song
Because everyone's better at saying what I think
It's not unusual that you leave me tongue tied with no response
And everytime I try to string letters in a coherent  thought
I just get your name
Only your name

How dare you call yourself pro life
And then make me want to **** myself

How dare you say that you're a Christian
And then act with hatred and intolerance

How dare you tell your friends about your new diet plan
While I'm silently throwing up dinner upstairs

How dare you ignore and insult me
And then get angry at the fact that I'm withdrawn

How dare you tell me you love me
While my tears flow down my bruising cheek

How dare you destroy me on the inside
And wonder why I'm showing it on the outside

How dare you boast about my high grades
When you used to call me stupid when I was slow to learn

And how ******* dare you call yourself my mother
When you've become my worst enemy

i am a house with a door
a lighthouse with sand around it
where a man takes a **** at night
away from his friends

i am a cold accidental touch
of the false pinky finger of
a janitor at work at a high school

i am burned to death in my apartment
flipped out on ***** coke
sold to me by a ****** salesman in
an envelope marked "Kotex $$"

i am disappearing into roots
a rusted out minivan in a trailer park yard
that no one drives
filled with fast food bags and baseballs

i am a glimpse into a  lifespan
but only the part of the road that you can see
from your apartment building

i am an adventure
a warm wet raindrop
landing on your face
as you walk out of the door
onto your lawn in springtime

i am not a voice or an expression
like the quiet tattoo of a boat
you keep hidden in your brassiere

i am the cool dry pillow that you dream into
i collect butterflies and stamps
and old shoes from unconscious men
in the alleyways behind bars

and that's how i've decided to make a living

I remember that day in 7th grade
Back when you were still calling yourself Cassie
You were standing reserved and afraid
In gym class clad in shorts and words carved in your skin
That was the day I began to notice you

3 years later and we're best friends
Not much has changed except that you go by Nate now,
I still mess up pronouns sometimes,
Your body tells the tale of a war going on for years,
In that time
We've become a little bit wiser,
Hopefully a tad bit happier,
And your cuts go a little bit deeper

we’re hipster lovers with our
baggy sweaters and tortoise-rimmed
glasses.
your choice in music is too cool,
i gobble up literature like oreo milkshakes.
we’re hipster lovers
with our admiring Blake,
your multi-colored jeans, my eyeliner
thick and sharp.
you’re the hipster boy with unruly hair,
and cool as a cucumber temper.
i’m the hipster girl cool with too much sadness and
a fetish with Plath.
we make an awkward, cute team, you and i.

i’ll borrow your drug impacted jumper,
if you keep reading me zen poetry,
and we can dawdle inside indie
coffee shops while we hold
hands and sip
slowly.

more than I want to forget
I want to remember
you are a quiet calm
that I want to detail as you sleep
the tint and shade of your eyelids
as you inhale
exhale
illuminated by a soft glow
I want to remember
your voice was a river
when whispering about love
rushing, returning
in a rhythm
that matched
the slight upturn
of the corners of your lips
as if you just remembered I'm next to you
I want to remember
the small noises of your nature
your body ticks
like  a grandfather clock waiting for the sunrise
you make tiny noises in the bottom of your throat
as you move
you have told me you love me thousands of times
without opening your mouth
I wish to touch you
but I am afraid that if I do I will disturb your surface
as if you were water
ripples running over your skin
more than I want to forget
I want to remember
every piece
of you

supposed to apologize for all the times i've hurt you,
all the evil things i've said and done
over the five years we've not been together enough.
yet another thing we don't agree on, though -
what was wrong and what was right.
and politics, music, where and why to stay.
stuck in my gypsy ways and never been so stubborn.
clinging to my ideologies like the idols you see on sundays
while i watch football and hold rap church.
not sure what love is in the way you see it,
watched too many disney movies to believe in it.
some of my favorite things are make-believe
and sometimes i think you can't be mine
because you're too real.
i can feel your pulse in my hand and fall asleep to your heartbeat
as it slows from racing after chasing pleasure.
i can still smell you on my bed
and hear you in my head with those silly words.
i know in my heart and in my mind the only thing left
to do
is to let you go.
you don't fit in my plan -
the only plan i've felt confident and sane about -
but it kills me because you've always been my foundation -
my rock -
and this sand i dance on is shifty at best.
but you'll never be free enough to let go
and i'll never be carefree enough to not hear the regret.
i know we could do it,
you and me.
but the hurdles are greater than a few heartfelt and honest
words laced in breakdown.
but know that i'm sorry.
and that i miss you.